‘You need to accept that both our mothers are going to move in with us’

[Wigglytuff123]

Is what DH said to me… instant chills

I do not speak the same language as my MIL, not even a little and I find her very very hard work, truthfully there’s a lot of water under the bridge. She’s just turned 60

now to my own mother fractious history. I was the scapegoated child and sibling golden child (single narcissistic mother, at points she was down right abusvie and cruel) the worm has turned somewhat as sibling has very similar narcissistic tendencies as mother and sticky fingers (Steals despite being mid 30s) and no longer talks to mother as was caught in the act. Mother is 70s

both single, divorced and widowed.

is dh right? Truthfully the thought of either of them living with us fills me with dread

what prompted this conversation was we’re planning a 3rd child and dh was making his case to consider a 5/6 bed house for a move, whereas I don’t think staying in a 4 bed with a garden office sounds too awful.

is he right? I don’t know why but I feel quite resentful to take on a mortgage in a much larger house for them to move in, and if one moves in the other will be pissed the other didn’t, and both together, no way.

at least my mum would be bringing capital, his mum wouldn’t be putting anything into the house

just say no. I would meet his comment with “well actually that is a joint decision and I don’t want that right now, maybe I’ll never want that”

‘I tried but dh wouldn’t help and they’d mock me’

Your husband mocks you? And joins in with another person who’s mocking you?

How can you love such a person? Is this a wonderful example for your kids?

Anyway it feels like compromise will be necessary. He can't just lay this out as a non-negotiable demand. Could you live somewhere with space for your MIL but in a separate granny flat kinda way, and have carers come in to do whatever was needed as she got less able? Could you move somewhere near good residential care, so he can visit twice a day if that's what he wants... Etc. These things may take a long time to come round to, so I would be patient as the possibility of other ways of doing it sink in and percolate. For both of you.

NOBODY should be forced to live with ANYBODY they don't particularly get on with.

Ok to clear a few things up:

i know a few words but I can’t really speak the language, it’s also a sub dialect so it makes it quite hard for someone to learn without instruction and no one willing to teach me but I did try and they’d make fun of me, and then bitch about me about random petty things and one day I stepped back and said, I can wear the clothes, cook the food and speak the language and bend over backwards but it’ll never be enough, so I took a massive step back and stopped trying.

dh isnt the type to force anything, he received a huge amount of pressure for me to move into her house and name our kids the family names, im talking harassment in the street and he didn’t, so him saying it apparently (according to him) was him saying you’re mum is older and alone and wants to move in. If she gets poorly and lives 3 hrs away what would you do then? His mum however lives 15 mins away. But I do feel sometimes he feels very torn, his mum lays it on thick

And yet you don't think people should learn the language of the country they've chosen to live in?

How can you talk about compromise?

The OP is clearly not Asian.

Exactly. Both cultures are completely important here. One should not be dismissed and it doesn’t matter which culture this is, they both need to be considered and understood so the couple can come to a compromise they both feel comfortable with.

Woaaah no not him, his family, his mum and some extended relatives, I’d practice and practice and then when I’d try to speak to them, a lot speak English but chose not to, they’d burst out into laughter and mimick me.

it was one of the reasons dh was like no don’t bother learning

@Lookingatthesunset really? So if someone didn't get on with their 13 year old they could just tell them to get out and leave the home, and you'd be fine with that?

Our notions are deeply culturally conditioned, and the sort of obligations that we in the UK generally take for granted regarding parents and their relationship with their children, other cultures extend to people and their relationship with their elderly parents.

I'm the same age as his mum is!! I work fulltime, own my own home with DH, have 2 adult children living at home, and don't anticipate needing to be cared for, much less move in with anyone (not that any of my kids has anywhere to move into yet lol!) any time soon!!

As for your mother - how can he possibly think you should live with her after the way she treated you??!

Correct but I’m also not of British origin either and living with elderly relatives is also a cultural thing for me too

Don't be ridiculous. Your 13 year old is your responsibility. Your mother/MIL aged 60/70 is not. Not remotely comparable. Stop splitting hairs.

Do they have their mothers living with them?

Hell would freeze over before mil or my own mother would live with us

Again, this is your cultural belief so for many people it is our responsibility. Not helpful to the OP who also says living with elderly parents is a cultural thing to her too

Yes, but just because it's cultural, do you have to, in this day and age, accept a situation that would make your life a misery?

I could never have lived with either my parents (and I was very close to them) and definitely not my ILs. It never became an issue. The only one who needed care was my mum who died from cancer in her early 60s, and we managed that in turn as a family in her house.

Other than that they want to, is there any current necessity for this? Being in my early 60s with grown up children still living at home and having a number of older friends, including some in their 70s (all healthy, fit and active), the idea of someone in my age group 'needing' to live with younger family members is absurd. So I assume it's the cultural expectation only?

A friend of mine bought a house where they converted a downstairs room (possibly ex garage, can't recall) into a self-contained bedsit for her widowed mother. They lived fairly separate lives until her mother became sick much later. That might be a possibility for one, at least?

My mil had two periods where she lived with us for a few months between flats. She lived and cooked separately from us - was mid to late 80s at the time. Mind you, she was very easy going. I would never have wanted to live with my mother though - she annoyed me a lot just when I visited from late teens on (ie from after I had lived independently) so I quite understand your predicament.

Does your DH mean eventually (anything can happen between now and then) or soon?

It's a legal responsibility!!!!

I haven't said that anywhere, and yes, generally speaking, I do absolutely think that people should learn the language of the country where they're living - when I lived overseas, I felt incredibly irritated by the sheer number of lazy Brits who didn't make an effort.

However, I also recognise that there are sometimes barriers that might get in the way of this - lack of confidence, lack of literacy in the native language, cultural factors etc. I'm not saying it's a good thing, but I can see why it's less straightforward in some cases than others. Regardless, if I was marrying into a family where another language was spoken, I would consider it only reasonable to make an effort to learn at least a bit.

Honestly, I wouldn't bother rising to it.

Which the OP tried and got the piss taken out of her.

Nope, nope and nope.

Ask him if a divorce is worth the argument.

Imagine inventing a law in your own head and stating it as fact, with 4 exclamation points 😄🥴

I think the OP has explained quite rationally why she hasn't learned the language. She hasn't had support or encouragement and has in fact been derided when she tried.

I do agree that Brits are very lazy in terms of speaking foreign languages, to the point it's embarrassing. I speak French and Spanish and feel at a disadvantage when I am in a country where I don't speak the language. In Spain in the summer, the hotel receptionist was amazed when my DC1 spoke to him in fluent Spanish, as he didn't expect that from an English speaker.

However, I not long ago encountered a lady from Eastern Europe who has lived in the UK for 20 years and claims not to speak English!!

I'm not saying that the OP should just accept whatever her DH says, but she can't just dismiss his perspective either. The cultural norms of both people need to be respected

Spot on, @MrsBennetsPoorNerves

Trouble is, from the thread title alone ("you need to accept ...") it's not immediately obvious how the DH is respecting OP's own culture and needs