‘You need to accept that both our mothers are going to move in with us’

[Wigglytuff123]

Is what DH said to me… instant chills

I do not speak the same language as my MIL, not even a little and I find her very very hard work, truthfully there’s a lot of water under the bridge. She’s just turned 60

now to my own mother fractious history. I was the scapegoated child and sibling golden child (single narcissistic mother, at points she was down right abusvie and cruel) the worm has turned somewhat as sibling has very similar narcissistic tendencies as mother and sticky fingers (Steals despite being mid 30s) and no longer talks to mother as was caught in the act. Mother is 70s

both single, divorced and widowed.

is dh right? Truthfully the thought of either of them living with us fills me with dread

what prompted this conversation was we’re planning a 3rd child and dh was making his case to consider a 5/6 bed house for a move, whereas I don’t think staying in a 4 bed with a garden office sounds too awful.

is he right? I don’t know why but I feel quite resentful to take on a mortgage in a much larger house for them to move in, and if one moves in the other will be pissed the other didn’t, and both together, no way.

at least my mum would be bringing capital, his mum wouldn’t be putting anything into the house

You also knew he was from a different culture before you married him so did you not have any conversations about this? The answers from white British people who don’t understand the cultural nuances for looking after our elderly and providing for them won’t be helpful to you

If there is a cultural expectation I am surprised it hasn’t come up before.

I’d divorce before I’d allow that to happen. Do not be a passenger in your own life @Wigglytuff123 Your DH is free to care for his own mother in old age but I suspect he means for you to care for both of them but you are free to make choices that affect your own time and energy and happiness.

He is supposed to look after his own mother and she looks after hers, that’s how it’s meant to go. You don’t have any responsibility towards your in laws, you just have to be kind to them and that’s it

What I find strangest and saddest about this is your 'is he right?' response, as if you can't trust yourself on this and would give him the benefit of the doubt even when it's not something you want to happen. This is your life and you have control of your choices. This is your home, your family and you absolutely do not have to accept any such thing just because he says so. No doubt he's ground away your self-belief and self esteem so he can get his own way because he's the head of the family or somesuch guff but now is the time to work on yourself, stand firm and don't get steamrollered into anything you don't want. And you clearly do not want this.

I'd definitely not be having that 3rd child (you already have one - DH)

Make it clear to him that he needs to look after his own mother that is his responsibility, and not yours to fulfil, that you won’t be offering any care as you have your own mother and this means your mother doesn’t move in either.

No, no and he'll no🤣

Compromise and buy a house with a two bed annex (with kitchen and bathroom) for one or both mums to live in fairly independently if necessary. In the meantime for office, gym or teenage children later. Or Doghouse for DH if he has any more 'Great' ideas.

Hell no that means 😆

'No, neither of our mothers will ever be coming to live with us nor will we ever be buying a house with them or anyone else, get that idea out of your head now and don't bring it up again' is all you need to say. Be very firm about these boundaries, if he brings it up again tell him he's welcome to go live with his mother and you'll get on with your own life.

Don't ever buy a house with anyone else.

This. I would go to any lengths to not have either of our mothers living with us.

We did, obviously but both parents were married then so things have changed very rapidly. I did say after his mums awful behaviour she can stay but I’m never living with her and he understood that, and she said because we moved to an area she didn’t want to live she’s rather die, admittedly that was during a temper tantrum of hers

So he thinks you exist to serve everyone else. Giant red flag. I’d be arranging my exit. And if you don’t do that at least take steps to make sure you can leave relatively smoothly in future ie have financial measures in place.

Op I'm from a similar expectation culture and refused to do this. So much so that i changed country. Your happiness is important and life is too short. Don't do it.put your foot down and threaten divorce.

Crikey.

I'd be splitting up, a 2 or 3 bed for me and kids, a 2 bed for him and his Mum.

She's just turned 60? She's only 10 years older than me 🤣😭. That's your best years gone, serving her.

No, just no. NO.

I think you've gone from having a horrible and demanding mother to having a horrible and demanding husband.

You have one precious life. Don't waste it with people like this.

That makes sense. I do understand where you’re both coming from but if it’s a no from you then it doesn’t happen because you’re his priority and your comfort should come first. However, he still needs to be looking after her if he’s Muslim because that’s his obligation but he should not be expecting you to lift a finger or expect you to have people in the house you don’t want. That’s his duty only

I'd stay in the 4 bed for the foreseeable.

I'd only have have a parent live with me if they were unsafe to live on their own (MIL was late 87 when we bought a house with a separate annex so she could join us).

IF at some point in the future you decide you need to have one/both of them live with you, you should consider a house with a separate annexe (a 2 bed annexe if necessary). Not an annexe tagged onto a house, but a separate property. That way at least you all maintain a degree of independence/privacy.

Oh god…this is a pickle. I can see how both of you might have assumed the other felt the same as you do, especially with the cultural pressures.

You’re heading into child number three and you need to have this conversation with your DH now rather than later. He needs to know how you feel because otherwise you are going to have a lifetime of feeling smothered and trapped in a life you desperately don’t want.

I’m so sorry…this is not going to be easy for you. (For my part, I’d take DH’s mum in a heartbeat but the thought if living with mine would terrify me!).

The DMs could live together in a house in the same town that’s big enough for a live in cater/housekeeper?

Light-hearted, kind of. We’ve got elderly parents and their future support very high in our agenda at the moment. I’m playing around with different possibilities!

I don’t envy you OP

I'm from a similar part of the world and in my extended family, the middle generation bought/rented a small flat nearby to house the elderly relative - this happened with both my grandparents for example, for many years they had a one bed flat each, a short bus ride from my mum (they separated). This has worked pretty well for us as the best of both worlds. Could this be an option?

"And you, dear husband, need to understand that the minute they enter this house, I will be leaving it, so good luck looking after the mothers, because you'll be the only one here. "

The very first date me and dh agreed no ageing relatives would ever be living with us...

To be fair to him, he is but he’s an only child so he gets a lot of shit for his less ‘cultural’ choice and I practically am and only child too.

chatting to him now he’s more concerned about my mum as she lives far away