‘You need to accept that both our mothers are going to move in with us’

[Wigglytuff123]

Is what DH said to me… instant chills

I do not speak the same language as my MIL, not even a little and I find her very very hard work, truthfully there’s a lot of water under the bridge. She’s just turned 60

now to my own mother fractious history. I was the scapegoated child and sibling golden child (single narcissistic mother, at points she was down right abusvie and cruel) the worm has turned somewhat as sibling has very similar narcissistic tendencies as mother and sticky fingers (Steals despite being mid 30s) and no longer talks to mother as was caught in the act. Mother is 70s

both single, divorced and widowed.

is dh right? Truthfully the thought of either of them living with us fills me with dread

what prompted this conversation was we’re planning a 3rd child and dh was making his case to consider a 5/6 bed house for a move, whereas I don’t think staying in a 4 bed with a garden office sounds too awful.

is he right? I don’t know why but I feel quite resentful to take on a mortgage in a much larger house for them to move in, and if one moves in the other will be pissed the other didn’t, and both together, no way.

at least my mum would be bringing capital, his mum wouldn’t be putting anything into the house

You're getting a lot of "Hell no's" on this thread but tbh would it really be the end of the world they're both quite old and will probably pass away soon. In the past people looked after their elderly parents and they still do in most countries. Some consider it the right thing to do rather than dumping them in a home (not trying to guilt trip you into taking them if you really don't want to)

Ignore the posters telling you to divorce your husband who you already have two kids with 🙄 you get a lot of that on this site

Yes, I have. No point really me rehashing S Asian culture again. Hard for anyone not Asian to understand. Nothing superior or inferior about it. Just different.

OP is free not to do it. But her DH is showing respect to her mum by agreeing to move her in.

I think the issue, at least for me, isn’t that they’d be in super old age and due to pass away soon. Then I couldn’t leave someone out in the cold. Although I do absolutely maintain that there are some circumstances that care at home isn’t appropriate, like advance dementia and sometimes where there are complex medical needs and active pain management. The issue for me It’s that we’d have to pay a fortune to upsize and (actually like my mum I don’t want a house full of adaptations and that’s a hard line for me) and then but in order to upsize it would mean my mum selling her house and using most of the capital for another large house (prices coming close to 1m and no we don’t live in london before anyone asks) so she’d want to move in straight away (granted this would take time to get all this sorted probably 5+ years) but then she’d only be 75 and with no major health problems around for a while (not that I’d want her to die soon, don’t get me wrong). But then as soon as my mum moves in, enter tantrums from MIL. She’s pretended she was dying before, due to me not living there. That is the level of emotional blackmail.

dammed if you do and if you don’t as one poster said

I think it’s being both at the same time, as said it’s a gesture or respect, especially because culturally the wife’s parents don’t really factor into the equation as there is a belief she leaves her family because of marriage.

but he’s also being unrealistic of the problems it will cause with his own mum and a bit crazy to think that I’d jump at the chance to live with her again. Barely got out alive the first time.

@Wigglytuff123

That is the most straightforward message laying out the issues for you.

So, you would quite like to have things sorted out for your Mum, but you fear reprisal from your MIL?

It’s quite simple, if your Mum chooses to spend her money to allow her to live with you or to buy somewhere closer to you, that is her choice and she is facilitating it.

Your MIL can wait until it is medically necessary for her to move in (if ever).

Regards the home of adaptations, if you have an annexe or room for parent, have it on the ground floor.

One house near us have converted the adjoining garage to a Granny flat, another added a side extension, another a basement which exits onto the garden. You don’t need a stairlift.

Bathroom adaptations, usually you have a wet room which can be trendy, or a walk in bath or shower. The only eyesore I can think of is a few grab rails, the rest is removable.

As for her being “only” 75.

My Mum passed just over 60, my DH’s mid fifties. Several of my friends have just lost parents late 70s… who had no issues earlier but rapidly declined.

It would be wonderful if she goes on forever and I hope she does. But mid to late 70s is quite old as it is.

I really hope you get things sorted and everyone is happy with the outcome. MIL possibly, won’t ever be, but c’est la vie.

i don’t particularly want grab rails and most houses don’t have a full bathroom downstairs but that’s intricacies

theres also complications with my mum that she doesn’t approve of our life style (by that I mean lose adherence to a particular religions and is very very anti that specific group)and is very authoritarian especially with children, so even with her investing and bringing capital to get a bigger home it won’t be a walk in the park, simply being around her long term.

obviously you can never predict age, but I work in life insurance and we work on an assumption for mortality that for someone without pre existing health conditions that the average life expectancy for a woman of her generation is 93. So that’s what I’m basing it off, true no one knows what’s around the corner and that could change on a dime but at the mo she’s of could health and travels the world alone and with walking groups (not indicative of disease I know) but I’m going on the working assumption that moving in at 75 may well a similar scenario to her mum. She’s also still working

@Wigglytuff123 I

Regarding the grab rails, the most you would have is an extra stair rail, if there’s only one and it can be done in a classy way.

You might need a few in the en-suite bathroom for your relative around the bath/shower. But it’s minimal, the most you would need is getting tiling redone once they’re dead. And this would be a private space for your relative not a guest bath or family bath…

Most million pound houses I’ve been in have boot rooms, downstairs shower etc for when you get in and the ones with an annexe definitely have a private bathroom.

I completely understand where you’re coming from, and that this is an area you feel confident in. However, it can happen very quick, so all I can say is I hope you, and anyone with older family members, factors this into plans.

I don’t think you are going to come out with an “ideal” solution out of this. All you can do is assess what scenario/s give/s you the least trauma. Whatever you do with elderly in the family and a low number of willing siblings and extended family to help you will face some difficulty.

Yeah I don’t want guard rails period but yeah I appreciate what you’re saying

Wiggly stuff..wow...absolutely shocking blamey post. OP ..ignore this one