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AIBU?

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Original poster

‘You need to accept that both our mothers are going to move in with us’

359 replies

Wigglytuff123 · 31/12/2023 15:24

Is what DH said to me… instant chills

I do not speak the same language as my MIL, not even a little and I find her very very hard work, truthfully there’s a lot of water under the bridge. She’s just turned 60

now to my own mother fractious history. I was the scapegoated child and sibling golden child (single narcissistic mother, at points she was down right abusvie and cruel) the worm has turned somewhat as sibling has very similar narcissistic tendencies as mother and sticky fingers (Steals despite being mid 30s) and no longer talks to mother as was caught in the act. Mother is 70s

both single, divorced and widowed.

is dh right? Truthfully the thought of either of them living with us fills me with dread

what prompted this conversation was we’re planning a 3rd child and dh was making his case to consider a 5/6 bed house for a move, whereas I don’t think staying in a 4 bed with a garden office sounds too awful.

is he right? I don’t know why but I feel quite resentful to take on a mortgage in a much larger house for them to move in, and if one moves in the other will be pissed the other didn’t, and both together, no way.

at least my mum would be bringing capital, his mum wouldn’t be putting anything into the house

OP posts:
laclochette · 31/12/2023 16:26

In South Asian culture the idea of outsourcing your parents' care to paid outsiders is genuinely shocking. It's like the idea of sending a baby to a baby farm would be to us. This is a really major cultural difference, so I'm not surprised it's coming up now.

IWishIUnderstood · 31/12/2023 16:26

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 31/12/2023 16:07

Why should she? Because it's her DH's mother and it would be good to be able to hold a basic conversation? Because any children will presumably be brought up in a bilingual environment?

My MIL didn't speak a word of English and it was way easier for me to learn a bit of her language rather than expecting her to learn mine. If you go into a cross cultural marriage, both partners need to be prepared to make a bit more of an effort imo.

Show quote history

My MIL didn't speak a word of English and it was way easier for me to learn a bit of her language rather than expecting her to learn mine.

Why?

Was she living in the UK at the time? If so, she should definitely be learning the language.

dapsnotplimsolls · 31/12/2023 16:27

Cnidarian · 31/12/2023 16:15

Hell no. Get the mothers a flat together they can share and watch the fireworks (from a distance). Or you never know maybe it will be wonderful and they will get on like a house on fire, just like Grace and Frankie 😆

Damn, you beat me to it! Make sure it's nearby so DH can visit to his heart's content.

WhateverMate · 31/12/2023 16:28

laclochette · 31/12/2023 16:26

In South Asian culture the idea of outsourcing your parents' care to paid outsiders is genuinely shocking. It's like the idea of sending a baby to a baby farm would be to us. This is a really major cultural difference, so I'm not surprised it's coming up now.

You're not surprised it's coming up years after their wedding day??

Ewock · 31/12/2023 16:28

Wigglytuff123 · 31/12/2023 16:23

No it’s not, with all respect you don’t know him, so let’s not go straight to the MN ltb

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But your title literally says 'you need to accept both mothers will be moving in with us' like the pp I would assume that meant it is happening regardless of your views, and you will be forced to accept it 🤷‍♀️

Lookingatthesunset · 31/12/2023 16:29

No, no, and just NO!!! Would the two of them even get on?

I'm early 60s and don't need to move in with anyone, thank you very much!

This is absolutely a hill I would die on. Just NO FUCKING WAY!

Lookingatthesunset · 31/12/2023 16:29

laclochette · 31/12/2023 16:26

In South Asian culture the idea of outsourcing your parents' care to paid outsiders is genuinely shocking. It's like the idea of sending a baby to a baby farm would be to us. This is a really major cultural difference, so I'm not surprised it's coming up now.

With all due respect, we do not live in South Asia.

UsingChangeofName · 31/12/2023 16:30

My reply would be 'you need to accept they will not be "

Yup.

Kdtym10 · 31/12/2023 16:30

Tell him to fuck right off. Our grandparents lived with us growing up- it wrecked my childhood.

Lookingatthesunset · 31/12/2023 16:31

Zanatdy · 31/12/2023 16:07

No but it’s normal to know that some cultures don’t put their elderly in care homes and many of the men expect their wife’s to do the caring.

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That doesn't make it acceptable in OUR culture in the UK.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 31/12/2023 16:31

IWishIUnderstood · 31/12/2023 16:26

My MIL didn't speak a word of English and it was way easier for me to learn a bit of her language rather than expecting her to learn mine.

Why?

Was she living in the UK at the time? If so, she should definitely be learning the language.

Show quote history

As a pp has already pointed out, some elderly Asian women may be barely literate in their own language. Learning another might not come so easily to them. That was certainly the case for my own MIL.

If you choose to marry someone whose family speaks a different language to your own, I do think it's common courtesy to at least try and learn a few words.

Original poster
Wigglytuff123 · 31/12/2023 16:32

laclochette · 31/12/2023 16:26

In South Asian culture the idea of outsourcing your parents' care to paid outsiders is genuinely shocking. It's like the idea of sending a baby to a baby farm would be to us. This is a really major cultural difference, so I'm not surprised it's coming up now.

its always been there as you’d expect but we’d drawn a conclusion on the subject because of his mums attitude

what’s a baby farm?

he’s also bucked many cultural trends, like not living with her after marriage, marrying of his own choice outside the culture

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 31/12/2023 16:32

Lookingatthesunset · 31/12/2023 16:31

That doesn't make it acceptable in OUR culture in the UK.

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No it doesn't, but if you marry across cultures, compromise is necessary on both sides to make it work.

Lookingatthesunset · 31/12/2023 16:32

Libertyy · 31/12/2023 15:31

Yeah I thought so. Unfortunately, he also has an obligation to his mother to make sure she is provided for but that doesn’t mean that your comfort or your quality of life gets affected. He needs to ask you and if it’s a no then he sorts his own mother out separately

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Let him move in with her then!!!

TeaGinandFags · 31/12/2023 16:32

Wigglytuff123 · 31/12/2023 15:30

South Asian

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You're living in England now.

Location trumps culture.

Ask him who died and put him in charge?

Lookingatthesunset · 31/12/2023 16:33

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 31/12/2023 16:32

No it doesn't, but if you marry across cultures, compromise is necessary on both sides to make it work.

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NOT to the extent of having a mother/mother-in-law move in. That's not a compromise.,

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 31/12/2023 16:33

IWishIUnderstood · 31/12/2023 16:26

My MIL didn't speak a word of English and it was way easier for me to learn a bit of her language rather than expecting her to learn mine.

Why?

Was she living in the UK at the time? If so, she should definitely be learning the language.

Show quote history

And no, she wasn't living in the UK.

DeeLusional · 31/12/2023 16:34

Libertyy · 31/12/2023 15:33

You also knew he was from a different culture before you married him so did you not have any conversations about this? The answers from white British people who don’t understand the cultural nuances for looking after our elderly and providing for them won’t be helpful to you

Is DH from a different culture, or are OP and DH from the same culture but 2nd or 3rd gen, while MIL is 1st generation and never learned English?

RosesAndHellebores · 31/12/2023 16:34

Is divorce the norm in South Asian cultures? His mother appears already to have bucked a trend if not.

laclochette · 31/12/2023 16:35

@WhateverMate well, that it's coming up, is what I meant. Surprised it didn't get discussed before marriage though, to be honest!

Original poster
Wigglytuff123 · 31/12/2023 16:35

Lookingatthesunset · 31/12/2023 16:31

That doesn't make it acceptable in OUR culture in the UK.

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And it doesn’t make it right either

OP posts:
MzHz · 31/12/2023 16:38

Doteycat · 31/12/2023 15:28

My reply would be 'you need to accept they will not be ".
I wouldn't stay in that marriage if that's that's he thought.

Absolutely this

”H this won’t ever happen, because the second either one of them crossed the threshold to move in, you’d better hold the door open cos I’d be leaving through it.”

that’s what I said to my OH on the subject of his mother and any notion of her moving in

laclochette · 31/12/2023 16:38

@Wigglytuff123 Oh a baby farm was an awful Victorian thing where people who couldn't afford to raise their children sent them off, as infants, to be looked after by a woman who looked after lots of babies. It was a system ripe for abuse, as you can imagine. I was just trying to think of something that we would genuinely find shocking and unthinkable in English culture today as a comparison, because I think sometimes people think of "cultural differences" as just like serious/big differences of opinion, when they are actually more major than that. More like different moral universes.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 31/12/2023 16:38

TeaGinandFags · 31/12/2023 16:32

You're living in England now.

Location trumps culture.

Ask him who died and put him in charge?

Show quote history

If you adopt that kind of attitude in a cross cultural relationship, it's pretty much doomed to fail. One partner shouldn't have to do all of the adapting. There needs to be proper discussion, negotiation and compromise.

I'm not saying that the OP should just accept whatever her DH says, but she can't just dismiss his perspective either. The cultural norms of both people need to be respected.

OwlWeiwei · 31/12/2023 16:40

You can tell your mother you have no intention of living with her. You can tell her, if you like, that you were the scapegoat and DSis the golden child and it hasn't made you kindly disposed towards caring for her in her old age. She should keep the house and sell it when she needs care.

DMiL is trickier, as your DH has the right to want his mother to live with him in her old age. What he doesn't have the right to do is sacrifice your life to become her carer, which I suspect is what he is assuming will happen without bothering to give it too much thought. Explain that he will be her primary carer, he will need to book supplementary care for her, he will need to find substitutes via agencies if that care falls through. And if he doesn't like the sound of all that and feels miffed at you suggesting it, then maybe he doesn't really want the responsibility of her living with you.