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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘You need to accept that both our mothers are going to move in with us’

359 replies

Wigglytuff123 · 31/12/2023 15:24

Is what DH said to me… instant chills

I do not speak the same language as my MIL, not even a little and I find her very very hard work, truthfully there’s a lot of water under the bridge. She’s just turned 60

now to my own mother fractious history. I was the scapegoated child and sibling golden child (single narcissistic mother, at points she was down right abusvie and cruel) the worm has turned somewhat as sibling has very similar narcissistic tendencies as mother and sticky fingers (Steals despite being mid 30s) and no longer talks to mother as was caught in the act. Mother is 70s

both single, divorced and widowed.

is dh right? Truthfully the thought of either of them living with us fills me with dread

what prompted this conversation was we’re planning a 3rd child and dh was making his case to consider a 5/6 bed house for a move, whereas I don’t think staying in a 4 bed with a garden office sounds too awful.

is he right? I don’t know why but I feel quite resentful to take on a mortgage in a much larger house for them to move in, and if one moves in the other will be pissed the other didn’t, and both together, no way.

at least my mum would be bringing capital, his mum wouldn’t be putting anything into the house

OP posts:
Faceache45 · 31/12/2023 15:48

Absolutely not. I love my mum but I couldn't live with her. That's what retirement villages are for.

Goldbar · 31/12/2023 15:49

I'd tell him that the day either of them move in is the day you move out.

Libertyy · 31/12/2023 15:50

BeadedBubbles · 31/12/2023 15:46

I'd stay in the 4 bed for the foreseeable.

I'd only have have a parent live with me if they were unsafe to live on their own (MIL was late 87 when we bought a house with a separate annex so she could join us).

IF at some point in the future you decide you need to have one/both of them live with you, you should consider a house with a separate annexe (a 2 bed annexe if necessary). Not an annexe tagged onto a house, but a separate property. That way at least you all maintain a degree of independence/privacy.

I agree with this. If both need to then they have a separate living space and their own child takes care of them

2jacqi · 31/12/2023 15:50

never in a million years would I be tolerating either mother to move in!! you have enough to do without running round after them!

Fraaahnces · 31/12/2023 15:51

Noooooo waaaaay! You need two houses. One for him and the mothers and one for you.

Zanatdy · 31/12/2023 15:52

Well in his culture it’s very normal. Not something I’d want to do

Nanny0gg · 31/12/2023 15:52

Wigglytuff123 · 31/12/2023 15:28

Yes both would jump at the chance. My mother constantly mentions selling her house to buy a 6 bed together, constantly

his, also yes one of the issues she has with me now is that I refused to move into her house after marriage

Show quote history

Why are you being told?

Will he not listen to your NO!?

Libertyy · 31/12/2023 15:53

Faceache45 · 31/12/2023 15:48

Absolutely not. I love my mum but I couldn't live with her. That's what retirement villages are for.

Asians are very unlikely to do that unless worst case scenario

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 31/12/2023 15:55

olympicsrock · 31/12/2023 15:26

No is a complete sentence

"Absolutely fucking not" also works.

ActuallyChristmas · 31/12/2023 15:55

The best approach to staying young is to stay in your own home as long as possible. 60 and 70 year olds are still young

wronginalltherightways · 31/12/2023 15:56

You need to stand up for yourself and say No, Never Going to Happen

Seriously

Cyclebabble · 31/12/2023 15:56

Hi OP, I am ethnically Indian and I do understand how hard this pressure can be. My English DH has in the past put up with some relatives living with us, but this should always be a choice and there are relatives he just would not entertain. I am afraid you need to say a really clear no.

Grumpynan · 31/12/2023 15:57

No, no, no trust me NO

it will not work, having either or both is a recipe for disaster!

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 31/12/2023 15:58

The duty to care for elderly parents is very deeply ingrained in South Asian culture, OP, as I'm sure you know. I presume that you discussed expectations relating to this before getting married... what exactly was agreed at that time?

You say that you don't have even a few words of language in common with your MIL. Have you made no effort to learn any of your DH's mother tongue?

HowNice23 · 31/12/2023 15:59

It might be the cultural norm but there are lots of cultural norms that are crap and horrible. Hope you can stand up for yourself and come up with a new way of doing things that won't make you miserable.

Faceache45 · 31/12/2023 16:00

Libertyy · 31/12/2023 15:53

Asians are very unlikely to do that unless worst case scenario

Show quote history

It would be an issue in my culture. However, axe murdering your mother or MIL is an issue in all cultures.

WhateverMate · 31/12/2023 16:00

Zanatdy · 31/12/2023 15:52

Well in his culture it’s very normal. Not something I’d want to do

It's not normal to marry someone and then tell them years down the line they need to accept both mothers will be moving in with them.

Not normal at all.

NewyearNewyear2024 · 31/12/2023 16:01

Tbf this is something that can work for many families. Off the top of my head I can think of four families where an elderly relative has moved in. Two have a separate annexe. All women, thinking about it. I would consider it for my parents except I have difficult teenagers and I’m sure they wouldn’t want to 🤣.

MorrisZapp · 31/12/2023 16:01

'is he right' wtf? Are you married to the world's headmaster or something? He's as right or wrong as any other human being and you get to choose who you live with under all laws that I'm aware of.

NewyearNewyear2024 · 31/12/2023 16:01

No cultural expectations in any of those examples btw.

IWishIUnderstood · 31/12/2023 16:02

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 31/12/2023 15:58

The duty to care for elderly parents is very deeply ingrained in South Asian culture, OP, as I'm sure you know. I presume that you discussed expectations relating to this before getting married... what exactly was agreed at that time?

You say that you don't have even a few words of language in common with your MIL. Have you made no effort to learn any of your DH's mother tongue?

You say that you don't have even a few words of language in common with your MIL. Have you made no effort to learn any of your DH's mother tongue?

Well the MIL clearly hasn't so why should the OP?

It's not even clear if the MIL lives in the UK and learned to speak English?

Libertyy · 31/12/2023 16:02

HowNice23 · 31/12/2023 15:59

It might be the cultural norm but there are lots of cultural norms that are crap and horrible. Hope you can stand up for yourself and come up with a new way of doing things that won't make you miserable.

Do you think looking after your elderly is crap and horrible? What about putting them in a care home because you don’t think it’s your responsibility but someone else’s? You may think the first one is horrible but many Asians find the second one horrible. Two different cultures, nobody is wrong, but one is the norm in one and the other is the norm in the other

WhateverMate · 31/12/2023 16:04

Libertyy · 31/12/2023 16:02

Do you think looking after your elderly is crap and horrible? What about putting them in a care home because you don’t think it’s your responsibility but someone else’s? You may think the first one is horrible but many Asians find the second one horrible. Two different cultures, nobody is wrong, but one is the norm in one and the other is the norm in the other

Show quote history

Do you think looking after your elderly is crap and horrible?

Being TOLD by your husband you NEED TO ACCEPT they'll be moving into your home is crap and horrible, for sure.

FictionalCharacter · 31/12/2023 16:05

Doteycat · 31/12/2023 15:28

My reply would be 'you need to accept they will not be ".
I wouldn't stay in that marriage if that's that's he thought.

That was my immediate thought.
He has no right either to dictate to you, or to speak to you like that.

Divorce is an option that's open to you.

Olinguita · 31/12/2023 16:06

Say no. I do appreciate the cultural aspect as I'm married to an Indian myself but I think that it's possible to find ways to care for elderly relatives without having them live with you full time. Financial support, long visits, more frequent contact and involvement - absolutely fine by me. But I think multigenerational households are fraught with problems and I sense there are people in my generation who are pushing back against the practice both in the UK.
I don't know any South Asian friends or relatives who have able-bodied parents or PILs living with them full time, apart from one family in the UK, but they have a gigantic family home, the PILs go to India for months at a time and the MIL is highly educated and was a working mum in her day (and is pretty progressive in her outlook).
My MIL has been angling to move in with us too but she is an extremely difficult, high-conflict character and has alcohol issues. I'm afraid my sanity and the stability of my marriage has to trump culture so I've said no. My husband doesn't particularly want to live with her either but now he has the convenient excuse of the evil English DIL tearing the family apart. Lovely.