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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m done with my dad - AIBU

215 replies

Lilllypad11 · 30/12/2023 18:27

Today my dad and I had a disagreement. I admittedly do always say “who you texting” when he’s on the phone. He asked me last night who I was texting. So I went “doesn’t matter” he said “you’ve been on that phone all of dinner and you always ask me who I’m texting and why I’m texting them so I don’t see what your problem is all of a sudden we can’t ask you”

I walked off.

I ignored him all today. I just chose not to bother or engage in any convo. He then says “I don’t know why you’re still not talking to me” so I said “yesterday you kept probing me for an answer like a kid and wouldn’t leave me alone” so then he decided to flip out and start arguing and said “I’m so fed up of you constantly having a moan lately. You always say it’s your period that makes you moody but everyone and every other woman just gets on with it. Then on top of that I’ve done everything to console you through the break up and I’ve dealt with the tears and the tantrums and it’s now been 4 months later. Fuck the stupid guy who’s clearly fucked off with another woman stop being a loser and waiting for that cnt to turn around and go and find someone better than him. You’re crying tears over some stupid fuck and you’re not understanding that he clearly doesn’t give a sit and had no respect for you. Why are you constantly wasting these tears on him. We’ve constantly been there for you but you need to stop” so of course, I’m not tolerating being called a loser by my father. I got in his face and told him what a loser he was for being such an unsupportive ahole and that quite frankly he could shove new year up his as.

I would also like to add he shouts very loudly so I shout even louder.

I picked up my keys and I’ve stormed off. My mums called me and said come and talk it out with him. I’ve refused. I’m just not tolerating being called a loser. It’s not nice and it’s so uncalled for.

Should I bother listening to his drivel.

OP posts:
Lookingatthesunset · 30/12/2023 19:53

Lilllypad11 · 30/12/2023 19:51

It’s my dad. It’s my dad who is the toxic one.

Show quote history

Are you actually this thick?

Did you read the replies you got?

I hope your dad and mum don't let your entitled arse back into their home!!

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 30/12/2023 19:55

Lilllypad11 · 30/12/2023 19:51

It’s my dad. It’s my dad who is the toxic one.

Show quote history

Really sounds like it.

I wonder why the bf left 🤔

I bet he's off living his best life somewhere, completely drama and toxicity free.

Original poster
Lilllypad11 · 30/12/2023 19:57

CatMadam · 30/12/2023 19:41

I think a lot of these commenters are lucky enough not to have toxic parents so are judging you through a lens that doesn’t apply to your situation. My dad was a narcissistic prick and would often rile me and my mum up then act shocked/like he was the victim when we would take the bait and get upset. It took me a long time to learn that ignoring his wee digs was the best course of action. I eventually went very low contact and it was very healing for me.

To those calling you immature/ a brat- having a toxic parent can often make adult children revert to childish behaviours, because their parents make them feel helpless and childlike.

yeah exactly. He’s so damn toxic. He’s always been this way. Starts it off. Raises his voice. Argues like an animal then starts bringing stuff up that’s not even relevant. Then claims I’m in the wrong here. Also called me a loser for absolutely no reason. I have become someone who gives as good as I get. I also feel my whole relationship broke down because of how toxic my dad is and that I learnt his ass hole ways and now I’m stuck with them.

OP posts:
DriftingDora · 30/12/2023 19:58

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 30/12/2023 19:55

Really sounds like it.

I wonder why the bf left 🤔

I bet he's off living his best life somewhere, completely drama and toxicity free.

Show quote history

Gawd, imagine having to work with someone like this? Every day a new drama...

I bet the boyfriend breathed one huge sigh of relief...

Original poster
Lilllypad11 · 30/12/2023 19:59

Lookingatthesunset · 30/12/2023 19:53

Are you actually this thick?

Did you read the replies you got?

I hope your dad and mum don't let your entitled arse back into their home!!

Show quote history

Maybe I am thick. But one thing I know for sure is my dad has always been this way. Even as a kid he was just someone who started arguments for no reason. Then growing up he’s done the same thing. I’m not saying I’m not in the wrong. I was in certain places. But all he ever drones on about is that I should give him respect. He name calls and says some very unfair things to me. Says sorry but does it all over again. I’ve learnt as I’ve got older my dad’s a really toxic old man. I have tried to distance myself for a while but it’s hard to.

I take after him in just creating arguments and it was what eventually probably ruined my relationship.

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 30/12/2023 20:00

@Lilllypad11 - why aren’t you offering/giving your parents whatever you were paying for your living expenses before your break-up? Can you see how this looks - as if you are mooching off your parents then throwing a strop when they speak to you in a way you don’t like?

And one small point - being on your phone during meals can often be seen as rude and ignorant, so I don’t blame your dad for mentioning this.

I am a parent to a child (ds3) who is of a similar age to you. If he needed to come home, of course we would take him in and help him out - but we would expect him to behave like a grown-up. In fact, he lived with us for a year during lock down, and we had no drama or bratty behaviour.

momonpurpose · 30/12/2023 20:00

DriftingDora · 30/12/2023 19:58

Gawd, imagine having to work with someone like this? Every day a new drama...

I bet the boyfriend breathed one huge sigh of relief...

Show quote history

Right! Just reading it is exhausting

Fuckmeicantbebothered · 30/12/2023 20:02

StinkyWizzleteets · 30/12/2023 19:51

I grew up with very toxic parents (unlucky for me in two different homes so no escape) - I would never have dared speak to either of them like OP did. Children of narcissists don’t respond like OP did, generally they’re too scared to and just want to please and keep the peace. We found other outlets and ways of escape. We didn’t start the fights at all ffs.

Show quote history

....and we certainly didn't stay at home until 27 did we?! Escaped at the first opportunity!

Even the tiniest detail of asking a parent who they're texting doesn't align with having the toxic parents I know.

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 30/12/2023 20:04

Remember it's school holidays....

Gymnopedie · 30/12/2023 20:08

Even as a kid he was just someone who started arguments for no reason.

OK OP. But answer me this, it's a genuine question. Why do you think it's acceptable for you to question him every time he's texting someone, who is it, but when he asks you the same question you go off like a Roman candle and he's being totally unreasonable?

(And maybe he only asked you to show how bloody irritating and intrusive it is.)

OldTinHat · 30/12/2023 20:41

CatMadam · 30/12/2023 19:41

I think a lot of these commenters are lucky enough not to have toxic parents so are judging you through a lens that doesn’t apply to your situation. My dad was a narcissistic prick and would often rile me and my mum up then act shocked/like he was the victim when we would take the bait and get upset. It took me a long time to learn that ignoring his wee digs was the best course of action. I eventually went very low contact and it was very healing for me.

To those calling you immature/ a brat- having a toxic parent can often make adult children revert to childish behaviours, because their parents make them feel helpless and childlike.

And were you living rent free with him at 27 like the OP? Or had you matured, moved out and gone LC?

OldTinHat · 30/12/2023 20:43

Maybe OP is a drama teacher getting ready for the new term?

fortnumsfinest · 30/12/2023 20:47

I’ve learnt as I’ve got older my dad’s a really toxic old man. I have tried to distance myself for a while but it’s hard to.

If you're dad is as awful as you say why don't you live in you're own home. It's not as if you are a teenager with nowhere else to go.
You're 27, not many people that age still live with their parents rent free. If you are really done with him it's time to stand on your own two feet

Grendell · 30/12/2023 20:58

You are just wasting energy pointing fingers and placing blame.

The situation is toxic. You need to extricate yourself from the situation.

Easy as that.

Winnipeg23 · 30/12/2023 21:02

Move out. Learn some respect. You sound spoiled and entitled.

CatMadam · 30/12/2023 21:24

Lookingatthesunset · 30/12/2023 19:43

It doesn't appear to be the parents who are toxic here...

Show quote history

Op has said multiple times that her dad shouting at her isn’t unusual. That’s not normal!

rainbowruthie · 30/12/2023 21:26

Are you at the hotel now?
Does your poor mum know where you are? Or are you hoping to worry your parents?
What are your plans after your two night hotel stay?

betterangels · 30/12/2023 21:47

CatMadam · 30/12/2023 21:24

Op has said multiple times that her dad shouting at her isn’t unusual. That’s not normal!

Show quote history

No, but then you remove yourself from the situation and limit contact. You don't bitch and shout back while living rent-free in his house for months.

Testina · 30/12/2023 21:58

“I also feel my whole relationship broke down because of how toxic my dad is and that I learnt his ass hole ways and now I’m stuck with them.”

Oh come on, you’re 27! Take some responsibility.

I learned some very unhelpful behaviour from both my parents - I still “feel” them as options. For example, if my children are playing up, the “option” of taking whatever they are doing and binning it (e.g. a Lego model) and sending them out of the room to be given the silent treatment all day does cross my mind. But I recognise it as a response that I learned in childhood - and make a different choice.

You can learn new behaviour.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 30/12/2023 22:07

Lookingatthesunset · 30/12/2023 19:30

He's probably had a bellyful of it over Christmas tbf!

Show quote history

Yes, this is true. Since reading OP’s subsequent posts I just think she needs to move out and give her dad distance from her and her dramas.

MohairTortoise · 30/12/2023 22:10

OP, You don't seem to believe the majority of posters who are saying you are the problem.
FWIW, it matters not who is the toxic one in this situation. The answer remains the same. You need to remove yourself from the situation permanently.
How quickly do you think you can move out?

Daisybuttercup12345 · 30/12/2023 22:19

Time to grow up and start acting your age and not your shoe size!!
If you aren't happy move into your own place.
I wouldn't put up with your attitude either.

DriftingDora · 30/12/2023 22:39

Lilllypad11 · Today 19:59

Maybe I am thick. But one thing I know for sure is my dad has always been this way. Even as a kid he was just someone who started arguments for no reason. Then growing up he’s done the same thing. I’m not saying I’m not in the wrong. I was in certain places. But all he ever drones on about is that I should give him respect. He name calls and says some very unfair things to me. Says sorry but does it all over again. I’ve learnt as I’ve got older my dad’s a really toxic old man. I have tried to distance myself for a while but it’s hard to.

I take after him in just creating arguments and it was what eventually probably ruined my relationship.

No, you ruined it all on your own, if you acted as batshit as you have on here. He's well out of it and deserved a medal for putting up with you, as does your father. Grow up.

PlacidPenelope · 30/12/2023 22:41

CatMadam · 30/12/2023 19:41

I think a lot of these commenters are lucky enough not to have toxic parents so are judging you through a lens that doesn’t apply to your situation. My dad was a narcissistic prick and would often rile me and my mum up then act shocked/like he was the victim when we would take the bait and get upset. It took me a long time to learn that ignoring his wee digs was the best course of action. I eventually went very low contact and it was very healing for me.

To those calling you immature/ a brat- having a toxic parent can often make adult children revert to childish behaviours, because their parents make them feel helpless and childlike.

Oh come on, the OP is on the one hand having tears and tantrums over the break up with her ex boyfriend and then on the other going on dating sites, on one hand can only afford to pay her parents when she can with whatever she can and on the other looking to have lip fillers and is able to just book into a hotel for two nights, one the one hand continually questions her father about who he is texting on his phone on the other throws a strop, storms off and gives the silent treatment when he turns the tables and asks her.

Yes the situation is toxic and the root of that toxicity is the OP.

OP is blaming her father for everything yet chose to go and live there, the OP's idea of parental support is that they (and any guests) should put up with her tears, tantrums, moodiness, intrusive questioning and general obnoxiousness and on top of that pay for the privilege.

Time the OP grew up, accepted responsibility for herself, her actions and her attitude and shipped out of her parents house and stood on her own two feet.

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 31/12/2023 15:25

Fuckmeicantbebothered · 30/12/2023 20:02

....and we certainly didn't stay at home until 27 did we?! Escaped at the first opportunity!

Even the tiniest detail of asking a parent who they're texting doesn't align with having the toxic parents I know.

Show quote history

This…..so much this it’s unreal.

I am a people pleaser to a fault, I escaped at 17 and am now LC with my dad and NC with my mum.

The way OP speaks to her father is not the way someone who grew up with narcissistic/abusive parents speaks to their parents.

OP - you sound like a fucking handful.