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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wants kids to meet BIL's love children?

234 replies

perfumelover99 · 30/12/2023 06:21

So basically my husband has just told me that his brother has twins with another woman despite being married.

The twins are two years old and it had been very hush hush and even the wife didnt find out until recently, my husband knew from day one but I understand him not telling me as its none of my business.

My SIL is adamant that she does not want her kids meeting the twins or having anything to do with them and they are not aware that they have these new siblings.

The mother of the twins has requested via my BIL that she wants to meet us and our kids and sent us presents for the kids at Christmas.

Our children are 13, 10, 6 and 6 weeks old.

Im abit concerned about having our kids meet some random woman and how confusing it will be for our own kids explaining the situation especially since they are close with the cousins from the marriage and will obviously have to keep it a secret from the cousins are unaware of the twins and affair which I dont think is fair or right.

I also do not want my kids growing up thinking its acceptable to behave the way my BIL behaves and treats women.

The twins are innocent in all of this and I feel bad as most of the family have shunned them and have sided with my SIL who is now pregnant and if she gets wind that we may possibly meet this woman it will really upset her.

My husband and BIL are keen for meeting but I dont want my kids being caught in my BIL's mess.
I have told my husband that it will be best to wait until our kids are older and can make their own decisions.

My BIl is really upset by this and has stopped speaking to me and my husband.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
RowanMayfair · 30/12/2023 06:22

Your kids can't develop a relationship with these kids until their own siblings know about them. Expecting kids to keep a secret like this is ridiculous.

Ponderingwindow · 30/12/2023 06:27

Your children can’t be asked to keep secrets. If they meet anyone, they are free to talk about it with whoever they choose. The same
holds for you. You are not under any obligation to lie or keep secrets from your SIL.

I would make it clear that they need to leave me and my children out of this until BIL and SIL work things out between themselves. There will be no clandestine meetings with 3rd parties.

amylou8 · 30/12/2023 06:29

What a mess! Your poor SIL. I'd have no part in it, and would want my DC to have no part in it either.
I guess you can't actually stop DH introducing them, but he couldn't tell them that they were related because they wouldn't stay a secret for long if he did.

Lampzade · 30/12/2023 06:33

I think it is ridiculous expecting your dcs to keep this a secret.
Your BIL has to sort out his issues with his wife and dcs.
It is wrong to involve you and your dc in this matter

GreatGateauxsby · 30/12/2023 06:34

Put this straight back onto your BIL.

Be clear you are totally happy for your kids to have a relationship with their twin cousins, but it's not reasonable to expect your DC to lie about it and keep his secret to his other kids/their other cousins. It's just not right and not a responsibility they should bear.

What does he want to do?
He (and SIL) need to decide.

Separately family is family and I would not be against contact except for the secrecy issue.

Stresa22 · 30/12/2023 06:37

This reply has been deleted

We decided to take this down as it is not in the spirit of the site.

MissingMoominMamma · 30/12/2023 06:37

No. It isn’t fair on the twins’ half siblings, or your SIL.

The twins will have family on their mother’s side- don’t be guilt tripped into ignoring, and hurting, the feelings of family you already have a bond with.

JurassicFantastic · 30/12/2023 06:37

What the status of this woman's current relationship with BIL? Her sending gifts sounds as though they are still in a relationship and she wants to be accepted by the family, not just the children.

In terms of meeting the twins, agree with what PP have said. Your BIL can't have his cake and eat it. He can't be expecting you and your children to keep secrets from his wife and children, so if you meet the twins you are able to talk openly about it.

I also don't think it would be fair for cousins to meet before siblings meet.

These are issues he needs to resolve in his own marriage before getting pissy with you.

If having the twins in his family life is so important to him he is free to leave SIL and make his own decisions about what happens with their children and who they meet, on his time with them. If he doesn't want to do that then he needs to start treating SIL with some respect and not pressure you to treat her views with disrespect.

Crankyaboutfood · 30/12/2023 06:42

She is a headcase to be sending gifts. Way too much drama. I would steer clear and absolutely do not put your children in a position of having to keep secrets. What a mess.

JurassicFantastic · 30/12/2023 06:44

As a side note, I'd be very worried about and cross about DH keeping this a secret since day 1. He is not blameless in this either. On day 1 he could have said to his brother "you have a week to tell SIL or I do". But he didn't. He was happy to be complicit in cheating and lying - including to you. For years. Now he wants you to make his brother's life easier with no regard to the feelings of SIL or his brother's children.

Personally this is not a man I would want to be married to or would trust.

HoppingPavlova · 30/12/2023 06:45

Under no circumstances should you participate in this dysfunctional bullshit. I’d also really be questioning your relationship with DH if he thinks this is okay/normal/acceptable. Fuck that.

Shoppingfiend · 30/12/2023 06:49

She wants to buy your children presents???? What - this is odd - how is this a priority in this set up. I would say this is the last thing you want - she might start spending large amounts of money on things for your 3 children - you are then obligated to buy similar for hers??!!!
I would definitely leave it - anything you do affects your SIL and her children - i'd stay out of it.

Greenpolkadot · 30/12/2023 06:52

Your poor sil. Your quite right op, you can't keep a secret such as this from her and can't expect your own kids to do so either
I can't understand why this woman wants to go from zero contact with you all to exchanging gifts.
And the twins aren't old enough to understand a relationship with you and your family.
Stay loyal to your sil and bugger what the stupid men want.
Jesus..it's a huge mess..
Sending you a hug

Greenpolkadot · 30/12/2023 06:59

Apologies OP..just re-read your original post and see that sil already knows.She needs your support. You sound a strong person and I'm sure she's glad that she has you.

BananaSpanner · 30/12/2023 07:00

Hang on, are BIL and SIL still married? And he is still in contact with other woman and still keeping secrets from SIL and trying to arrange for family to develop relationships with his new children behind the back of his wife and children? That is beyond deceitful and absolute madness.

I would not block a relationship with the twins in the future, as you say they are innocent in this, but it needs to be out in the open.

Original poster
perfumelover99 · 30/12/2023 07:01

In glad I am not the only one who thinks this is a messed up situation.

The twins mother sounds a bit too much, when I gave birth to my son she was begging my BIL to send her a picture of my son and then brought us loads of gifts the same day which BIL brought round.

Apparently BIL and the twins mum just co parent and but she is hopeful that that they will be a family one day and be together.

From what I understand my BIL had no intention of telling my SIL about the twins it was the twins mum that text SIL of my BIL's phone when he was asleep one time and this is when the twins were 6 months old.

I do feel a bit annoyed that my DH didnt tell me but apparently he was sworn to secrecy.
I do feel he is a bit scared of my BIL (he is older) and even though he dosent say much about it I know he thinks its a messed up situation as well judging by his comments.

OP posts:
ItsMyPartyParty · 30/12/2023 07:02

What a mess. No I would not want my kids having a relationship with them if it involved keeping them a secret from the cousins. If the cousins knew, then I’d be happy for my kids to know them.

BIL needs to get real here, sounds like he’s enjoying having two families. There’s a lot more hurt to come if he doesn’t grow up quickly.

Original poster
perfumelover99 · 30/12/2023 07:04

Greenpolkadot · 30/12/2023 06:59

Apologies OP..just re-read your original post and see that sil already knows.She needs your support. You sound a strong person and I'm sure she's glad that she has you.

Aww thank you for your kind words.
I am doing my best to support SIL.

OP posts:
BananaSpanner · 30/12/2023 07:04

So is the affair still ongoing? Or has he separated from SIL?

CherriesInChocolate · 30/12/2023 07:05

I’d be happy for the children to meet during BIL’s contact time. That would be the most appropriate way for the children to build a relationship with their father’s extended family.

The gifts and meetings with the other woman I would say no to.

Original poster
perfumelover99 · 30/12/2023 07:09

BananaSpanner · 30/12/2023 07:00

Hang on, are BIL and SIL still married? And he is still in contact with other woman and still keeping secrets from SIL and trying to arrange for family to develop relationships with his new children behind the back of his wife and children? That is beyond deceitful and absolute madness.

I would not block a relationship with the twins in the future, as you say they are innocent in this, but it needs to be out in the open.

They are still married and she is currently pregnant with their third child.

BIL regularly goes to the twins house and spends time with them from what my DH tells me.

It does seem as if he is enjoying having two families and DH tells me that he is on very good terms with the twins mom and she gives him advice with his business.

OP posts:
JurassicFantastic · 30/12/2023 07:09

I do feel a bit annoyed that my DH didnt tell me but apparently he was sworn to secrecy

This is such a cop out and you know it.

He chose to be sworn to secrecy. He accepted those terms. He could have said no.

Your DH is a man who valued a quiet life more than honesty - including to you. He was happy to help cover up his brother's cheating and lying for years.

Even now he's thinking of himself and his brother, not you, your children, your SIL or her children. And now he wants you and your children to join him in the dishonesty.

I really think you need to have a long hard look at who he is and think seriously about whether you can trust him in your marriage. I couldn't.

Original poster
perfumelover99 · 30/12/2023 07:12

BananaSpanner · 30/12/2023 07:04

So is the affair still ongoing? Or has he separated from SIL?

A very good question.

DH says BIL has told her that he will never leave his wife and they cant be together but in a text DH showed me from Christmas where they exchanged pics of the kids BIL referred to the twins mom as "his girl" so it does make me wonder if the affair is ongoing?

OP posts:
Unescorted · 30/12/2023 07:14

By asking your children to keep quiet about the twins when they speak to their cousins is asking them to be complicit. Your BIL and DH are asking your children to lie and potentially ruin the long term relationship they have and will have because your BIL cannot sort his crap out with his wife.

That would be an over my dead body situation for me.

Once BIL stops his cake and eat it lifestyle then I would have no problem with them meeting the twins. They after all are also innocent victims of the chaos your BIL is creating.

Mumoftwo1312 · 30/12/2023 07:15

A similar story happened to my best friend from school. She found out around age 11/12 that her dad had a second family with a son, when the son was about 5yo (ie she had a half brother she never knew). She had to keep the second family a secret from her (childless) step mum, who hed been married to since my best friend was a toddler.

She was totally and utterly devastated and felt betrayed by her dad - I remember at the time being so at a loss how to comfort her, it was all so dreadful and bizarre. The dad kept living a double life between the two women, the boy's mum and the second wife. After years of this, my BF became convinced that the stepmum did know, but pretended not to. A dreadful secret to have to keep so young.

My BF felt like she wasn't "enough" for her dad, that he had to go have another child. Also from a culture that traditionally prefers boys. It was heartbreaking for her.

This is going to be a total bombshell to your poor nieces and nephews (SIL's kids, but also OW's kids) when they find out. I'd urge everyone to tell the truth asap. If the 2yo twins grow up knowing the truth too then itll just be their normal.

I wouldn't be surprised if the BIL was living part time with the OW as a couple rather than just co parenting.