Husband wants kids to meet BIL's love children?

[perfumelover99]

So basically my husband has just told me that his brother has twins with another woman despite being married.

The twins are two years old and it had been very hush hush and even the wife didnt find out until recently, my husband knew from day one but I understand him not telling me as its none of my business.

My SIL is adamant that she does not want her kids meeting the twins or having anything to do with them and they are not aware that they have these new siblings.

The mother of the twins has requested via my BIL that she wants to meet us and our kids and sent us presents for the kids at Christmas.

Our children are 13, 10, 6 and 6 weeks old.

Im abit concerned about having our kids meet some random woman and how confusing it will be for our own kids explaining the situation especially since they are close with the cousins from the marriage and will obviously have to keep it a secret from the cousins are unaware of the twins and affair which I dont think is fair or right.

I also do not want my kids growing up thinking its acceptable to behave the way my BIL behaves and treats women.

The twins are innocent in all of this and I feel bad as most of the family have shunned them and have sided with my SIL who is now pregnant and if she gets wind that we may possibly meet this woman it will really upset her.

My husband and BIL are keen for meeting but I dont want my kids being caught in my BIL's mess.
I have told my husband that it will be best to wait until our kids are older and can make their own decisions.

My BIl is really upset by this and has stopped speaking to me and my husband.

Am I being unreasonable?

When the cousins know about their own siblings or when your dc reach 16/18 I would give them the option of meeting them. Depending on the maturity of your dc. Until then they do not have the maturity to not know but refrain from discussing it. Possibly explain to both older dc at the same time so they can discuss with each other. I would also be making it clear to my dc that while you don't agree with the set up you think they are old enough to manage the decision on whether to meet them or not. Until then your dc only know once their cousins know.

I would tell them at some point though because as soon as they are easily accessible on social media then either the mother or the twins themselves will contact them directly.

Poor SIL, she needs to end the marriage, the betrayal is immense.

You should keep you and your children away from this until the adults directly involved come to an agreement and the children are all aware of the situation.

I would though discuss it all with SIL before my older dc so she has some control over the narrative.

Sil is mad to have stayed and gotten pregnant a third time. Shes not helping herself here either.

Whatever you do it will be wrong - there's no win in this situation and I'd be absolutely fuming at bil for putting me and my kids in the middle of his shit show! It's probably good that dh didn't tell you, as it meant you weren't in the position of having to tell sil yourself. As a brother, your dh can argue that his primary loyalty was to his blood relative, but you wouldn't have had that argument. So by jot knowing, it's saved you the dilemma of what to do. Or kicked the can down the road at least.

I think I'd refuse to do anything without it being open and honest with sil. You can't do anything about their fucked up family situation but you can refuse to be complicit in lying to her. Agree with pp that you should ideally meet the twins when they are with their dad, if it's going to happen. The mum sounds pushy and batshit.
But whatever you do, someone is going to be annoyed. I think I'd let that person be bil, who is a piece of shit and shouldn't be enabled to have his cake and eat it!

I think both you and the SIL are being massively unreasonable. What you choose to do will have a massive impact on the lives of the twins.
They will see and feel the rejection and that will stay with them forever.
Regarding not wanting your children to copy BIL's behaviour, presumably your children will watch movies, play games and generally be present it in the world? Do you think them watching news of war will make them copy that behaviour and go off and kill people?
It's not BIL's behaviour that your children my copy - they will copy your behaviour. Whether you choose to be kind and inclusive or not is what your children will learn.

Your SIL should have developed some self respect and left this awful, awful man as opposed to have got knocked up by him.

I’d be very concerned in your shoes too about your DH’s deviousness.

Your DC should absolutely not have a relationship with the twins until their half siblings do. I think your BIL should ask their mother to back off. I feel very sorry for the twins in all this having such sh*tty, dysfunctional parents.

Jeezus what a mess. Your poor poor SIL. Why is putting up with it? I suppose because she's pregnant and feels she has no choice. :(

Imagine being heavily pregnant and knowing your husband was off "visiting" his other kids. Most women when they're that pregnant won't want lots of high energy sex. However a woman who's desperate to get "her man"'will be offering it on a plate! He's obviously shagging the ass off the OW.

He's living the life of Riley.

I would have no part of it OP, the OW sounds as mad as a hatter! This will probably escalate if BIL doesn't leave his wife.

SIL should take back control of her own life, throw him out and tell her kids.

Also your DH's attitude leaves a bad taste, think I'd feel he was tainted being involved. Why did his brother tell him? To boast? It's all such a mess.

"We'd be delighted to get to know your twins, and will happily meet them when you have ALL of your DC together with you, with your DW's knowledge. We will not be meeting them on their own and keeping it a secret, there have been enough secrets already."

I assumed if she only recently found out and is pregnant enough for the wider family to know that BIL deliberately disclosed after she was pregnant knowing she would feel trapped and have to stay with him.

I could be mistaken of course.

You say we will not ever ask our kids to keep secrets like that. So do you still want then to meet knowing sil and her kids will 10,000% for sure find this out? And if I ever find you deceiving me or keeping another affair secret from someone’s spouse I do not care who what or why it’s our marriage that is at risk. Your brother is frankly a bit if a shit person so if I don’t always want to hang out with them and poor sil you will have to accept that.

Your sil's self-esteem must be on the floor to not only put up with this but thinking getting pregnant again will keep bil around. What a mess. Poor children. All 5 of them.

If I were in your situation, I'd keep out of it and not meet the family. It's far too messy.

I wouldn't have anything to do with any of this, other than giving all my support to SIL. BIL meeting the twins at the OW's house? That should be a big no. He should be nowhere private with her at all. He can't be trusted. I'd be worried about your DH too. He's been complicit in this, so I'd not feel too comfortable about what that might say about him.

This whole situation sounds like an absolute disaster.

I can understand your DH wanting to see the children (he is their uncle of course), and I can sort of maybe understand him wanting the children to meet them. But I would make it clear to DH and BIL that under no circumstances were my children to be told to lie, and that I was also not going to lie. So if SIL says to me "what did you all do last weekend", I'd be answering honestly.

What you choose to do will have a massive impact on the lives of the twins.

The twins have bugger all to do with SIL and OP!!!! They're not their responsibility at all!! Especially the SILs! What a weird stance.

Yes the twins are innocent in all this but why does the SIL and her kids have to make sure they're ok?

The first time I met my teenage half sister, who's 43 years younger than me (yes 43 not a typo) was at my dad's funeral. I was lovely to her, told her some funny stories about dad and sent her some photos of him and his family. Haven't spoken to her since. If she wants to contact me, that's fine, but I don't owe her anything.

When I started a thread on here all those years ago, when she was born, a lot of people like you posted saying I HAD to meet her. I had a responsibility.

No I didn't and I had to look after my own mental health for my sake and the sake of my kids. She seems to have turned out ok, and I'm ok.

If 2 parents decide to have a kid, then it's the responsibility only of them. Unless, of course there are vulnerabilities involved.

It’s a very weird situation and it feels like BIL is happily living two lives.

I feel for his wife and very surprised she stayed with him. I fully understand her wanting her family to be kept separate but I’m not sure how long this can continue if BIL wants to start integrating them.

I wouldn’t allow your children to meet. It’s very unfair and confusing to them. Especially if they have to keep it a secret from their cousins, it won’t work and someone will accidentally say something.

The twins mum seems to live in hope that they will be a family but it also seems like BIL is feeding her lies so
no wonder she’s hanging around. She’s buying gifts as she feels part of the family which he clearly has encouraged.

I would be firm with your dh and say no. BIL needs to sort his own mess and figure out what’s happening with his two families before dragging yours into it. I understand your dh not telling you as it wasn’t his secret to share but I think my dh would be so disgusted by it that he’d tell me.

Never ask kids to keep adults things secret. It sets a bad precedent for other kinds of secrets between them and adults.

No issues with them knowing their cousins. But openly, with everyone knowing them.

And what about the massive impact on OPs kids, being asked to keep this very large, very adult secret from their family? What message does that send them about secrets and lying?

The twins mum shouldn't be telling them that their other family doesn't want to meet them. They're children. It's her and their fathers responsibility to do what's right for them. And OP is responsible for doing the right thing for their children.

I wouldn’t meet the twins, you’re a complete step removed from this situation, the question of integrating the children lies firmly with SIL. Until then, it’s nothing to do with you. Your husband has put you in a horrible situation.

What the fuck? This is hideous. Your BIL is a cunt.

What a messy situation!
I would refuse purely on the basis that I wouldn't want to teach my children that it is ok to keep secrets like that.

When did Sil find out? How old are her children?
When they know about their siblings existence then fine. I probably wouldn't involve myself particularly but I would explain to SIL that those children are still DHs nephews/nieces and that you understand him wanting them to meet. But until then no, I wouldn't put that responsibility on my kids.

Throw it back to BIL, tell him they can meet your kids but due to their ages you can't guarantee they'll keep it a secret so if he's happy to go ahead on the basis they'll probably tell his kids and wife 🤷‍♀️ I'd make sure the did find out but I'm an arsehole 🫣

It would be a no from me. Currently they are still together, and I couldn't play happy families with a woman who clearly wants to be in a relationship and have a family relationship when the SIL & BIL are still together (for the moment anyway) the way she's trying to force her way into the family would make me bloody uncomfortable, and your husband seeming to support it would be very uncomfortable for me too, to be honest. I wouldn't be accepting presents, or allowing your husband to give her any information or ohotos. If he has decided to welcome this woman, I wouldn't be agreeing with him

@Hiddenvoice "I feel for his wife and very surprised she stayed with him. I fully understand her wanting her family to be kept separate but I’m not sure how long this can continue if BIL wants to start integrating them."

I am surprised too, but if she did end the marriage she'd immediately lose any control over that and he could be taking their children to the twins house every time he has contact. It'll happen eventually.

This just gets weirder

SIL knew about the twins at 6M old….

in the 18M following she and BIL had unprotected sex and got pregnant.
she decided to keep the baby and has decided to have a third child with him…

🧐🙄🤯🤯🤯🤯

the mother of the twins is the least weird one IMO…. I can actually understand where she is coming from.
she wants her children to know their family and is showing good will to your children via gifts and friendly comms.

the SIL… no idea what’s going on there….i do have huge sympathy though as she must feel so powerless…

You’re right, it’s a very painful situation for her and feels like it’s lose/ lose type of thing.