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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband wants kids to meet BIL's love children?

234 replies

perfumelover99 · 30/12/2023 06:21

So basically my husband has just told me that his brother has twins with another woman despite being married.

The twins are two years old and it had been very hush hush and even the wife didnt find out until recently, my husband knew from day one but I understand him not telling me as its none of my business.

My SIL is adamant that she does not want her kids meeting the twins or having anything to do with them and they are not aware that they have these new siblings.

The mother of the twins has requested via my BIL that she wants to meet us and our kids and sent us presents for the kids at Christmas.

Our children are 13, 10, 6 and 6 weeks old.

Im abit concerned about having our kids meet some random woman and how confusing it will be for our own kids explaining the situation especially since they are close with the cousins from the marriage and will obviously have to keep it a secret from the cousins are unaware of the twins and affair which I dont think is fair or right.

I also do not want my kids growing up thinking its acceptable to behave the way my BIL behaves and treats women.

The twins are innocent in all of this and I feel bad as most of the family have shunned them and have sided with my SIL who is now pregnant and if she gets wind that we may possibly meet this woman it will really upset her.

My husband and BIL are keen for meeting but I dont want my kids being caught in my BIL's mess.
I have told my husband that it will be best to wait until our kids are older and can make their own decisions.

My BIl is really upset by this and has stopped speaking to me and my husband.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
DeeLusional · 30/12/2023 11:23

Ilovelurchers · 30/12/2023 09:48

I just read a reply (phone won't let me quote for some reason) saying OP "Has no responsibility to the twins"

Don't we all have a moral responsibility to each other? Especially to innocent children? I'd hate to live in a world where we don't.

How very noble of you. But sometimes we have to choose the best bad option.

Evilcountspatula · 30/12/2023 11:23

Ktime · 30/12/2023 10:04

Yes, OP needs to come and clarify, her absence is worrying.

Show quote history

I know right? Indeed a preposterous scenario and on balance I can’t believe I took the trouble to reply…..

Tinkerbyebye · 30/12/2023 11:24

YANBU. Your children should not be expected to lie because your bil wants his brother to meet children born as a result of an affair

your dh needs to understand that he simply shouldn’t put his children in the situation where they are lying to someone.

if that’s means bil doesn’t speak to you then good

NeedToChangeName · 30/12/2023 11:26

Has OP disappeared?

BIL sounds awful

Golaz · 30/12/2023 11:30

I had a similar situation growing up but with close family friends. Turns out the dad was basically a modern day bigamist and kept up with both women and families all along. Sounds like there may way be something similar going on here.

Golaz · 30/12/2023 11:34

perfumelover99 · 30/12/2023 07:12

A very good question.

DH says BIL has told her that he will never leave his wife and they cant be together but in a text DH showed me from Christmas where they exchanged pics of the kids BIL referred to the twins mom as "his girl" so it does make me wonder if the affair is ongoing?

Show quote history

100% this affair is ongoing, and it sounds like both women are aware, just have accepted that they will be in a poly situation 💁🏼‍♀️

HereForTheFreeLunch · 30/12/2023 11:37

DeeLusional · 30/12/2023 11:23

How very noble of you. But sometimes we have to choose the best bad option.

Show quote history

OP's responsibility is first and foremost to her own kids.

They should NOT be asked to keep a secret. The day the twins are out in the open and the whole family is aware, they can meet them if OP wishes.

Spidey66 · 30/12/2023 11:46

I haven't heard the term "love child(ren)" for about 30 years! For some reason it gives me the ick, but that's my issue.

Maintaining a relationship with the twins while keeping it secret from his wife and their kids is too much to expect especially for your children. I'd refuse. Your bil seems a horrible man for keeping both women dangling like this while they do the "pick me" dance.

Faceache45 · 30/12/2023 11:57

It's wrong for you and your family to meet the children and mistress and keep it a secret. Your children shouldn't be asked to keep secrets for anyone.

Honestly, I think SIL is in the wrong (probably an unpopular opinion). I understand that she is hurt, angry ect. However, she's chosen to stay with a man who's cheated on her and had children with someone else. Those children have a right to be members of there paternal family. They have a right to know their siblings. They are innocent. I don't think it's right or fair for her to exclude them. Her husband is at fault and he's the one that needs consequences not the children.

Anyhow, under these circumstances I wouldn't have any involvement. I'd also have a huge issue if my husband kept this secret from me. He's complict in the affair and lies. I'd question his integrity.

Tandora · 30/12/2023 13:09

Faceache45 · 30/12/2023 11:57

It's wrong for you and your family to meet the children and mistress and keep it a secret. Your children shouldn't be asked to keep secrets for anyone.

Honestly, I think SIL is in the wrong (probably an unpopular opinion). I understand that she is hurt, angry ect. However, she's chosen to stay with a man who's cheated on her and had children with someone else. Those children have a right to be members of there paternal family. They have a right to know their siblings. They are innocent. I don't think it's right or fair for her to exclude them. Her husband is at fault and he's the one that needs consequences not the children.

Anyhow, under these circumstances I wouldn't have any involvement. I'd also have a huge issue if my husband kept this secret from me. He's complict in the affair and lies. I'd question his integrity.

I agree with all of this tbh

AlwaysGinPlease · 30/12/2023 14:40

PleaseBeADecentYear2024 · 30/12/2023 10:07

If I was SIL I'd be insisting we go for full custody of said twins. Then the kids can all be together in one household. If we didn't win, at least the OW would have to deal with the stress of a drawn out custody battle and losing as much time with her kids. Yes, I'd do it, and be quite happy to make the twins my own. Either that or kick my cheating DH to the curb, which is the more likely approach.

Unbelievable! How nasty that makes you sound. Poor children.

x2boys · 30/12/2023 14:53

Those poor kids what's bloody mess all.of the siblings/ half siblings😥

CarrotCake01 · 30/12/2023 14:59

YANBU, My children wouldn't be meeting with the twins either.
Sure, maybe when they're older and they can decide for themselves but I wouldn't be putting pressure on my children to be secret keepers in this situation.

It's a bit weird and sounds like this other woman is using all these meetings as her way in? Perhaps she believes they're a big happy family or something... really odd and it's definitely going to blow up eventually. I wouldn't be putting my children near that situation.

x2boys · 30/12/2023 14:59

Spidey66 · 30/12/2023 11:46

I haven't heard the term "love child(ren)" for about 30 years! For some reason it gives me the ick, but that's my issue.

Maintaining a relationship with the twins while keeping it secret from his wife and their kids is too much to expect especially for your children. I'd refuse. Your bil seems a horrible man for keeping both women dangling like this while they do the "pick me" dance.

Indeed its right up there with common law wife/ husband !

LilBooThang · 30/12/2023 15:11

It's so difficult because your SIL will be hurt if you and your children meet the twins.

However, it sounds as though everyone is washing their hands of the twins and that is not fair. They are innocent children and it will affect them emotionally as they go forward. They are family.

I think you need to discuss this with your SIL and tell her you appreciate how difficult this is, but you don't want the children to grow up feeling unloved!

Eekmystro · 30/12/2023 15:15

LilBooThang · 30/12/2023 15:11

It's so difficult because your SIL will be hurt if you and your children meet the twins.

However, it sounds as though everyone is washing their hands of the twins and that is not fair. They are innocent children and it will affect them emotionally as they go forward. They are family.

I think you need to discuss this with your SIL and tell her you appreciate how difficult this is, but you don't want the children to grow up feeling unloved!

It’s not her place to sort is it? I’d say it was DBils responsibility to work, with his wife and Girlfriend, on a suitable solution. By refusing for her children to meet in secret she is helping force DB to make a proper arrangement instead of the shit show he’s trying to organise (which will obviously implode at some point).

notlucreziaborgia · 30/12/2023 15:19

LilBooThang · 30/12/2023 15:11

It's so difficult because your SIL will be hurt if you and your children meet the twins.

However, it sounds as though everyone is washing their hands of the twins and that is not fair. They are innocent children and it will affect them emotionally as they go forward. They are family.

I think you need to discuss this with your SIL and tell her you appreciate how difficult this is, but you don't want the children to grow up feeling unloved!

Family means as much or as little as you want it to. They’re entitled to a relationship with people willing to have a relationship with them, but relationships with their paternal family isn’t something that can be demanded. The BIL and his girlfriend are the only ones ‘guilty’ of creating this mess, and they’re the only ones responsible for their children.

TheWillowTrees · 30/12/2023 15:20

LilBooThang · 30/12/2023 15:11

It's so difficult because your SIL will be hurt if you and your children meet the twins.

However, it sounds as though everyone is washing their hands of the twins and that is not fair. They are innocent children and it will affect them emotionally as they go forward. They are family.

I think you need to discuss this with your SIL and tell her you appreciate how difficult this is, but you don't want the children to grow up feeling unloved!

The person who needs to take responsibility for the twins is BIL, by being honest for once. It’s not the job of OP’s children to take on the burden of lying for their uncle.

puddypud · 30/12/2023 15:33

LilBooThang · 30/12/2023 15:11

It's so difficult because your SIL will be hurt if you and your children meet the twins.

However, it sounds as though everyone is washing their hands of the twins and that is not fair. They are innocent children and it will affect them emotionally as they go forward. They are family.

I think you need to discuss this with your SIL and tell her you appreciate how difficult this is, but you don't want the children to grow up feeling unloved!

Why would they feel unloved? They have a mother and a father who are both involved in their lives. Presumably the mother probably also has her own family too. Why do you need cousins to feel loved?

HerMammy · 30/12/2023 16:44

Everyone saying oh poor SIL, she knew 18mths ago and chose to stay and get pregnant with this man, it's the kids I feel sorry for, stuck in a shitshow

BusyMum47 · 30/12/2023 17:38

@perfumelover99 You're not being at all unreasonable- your BIL is a massive bell3nd & can go eff himself! Who does he think he is, having the nerve to be angry with you guys for understandably not wanting to get dragged into his shameful mess! Does he really expect all of you to play happy families with his '2nd' family but lie to his '1st' one?! What a colossal prick! His poor kids (all of them) & his poor wife - especially being pregnant! Also, the 'other woman' can eff off too - she knew he already had a wife/kids but got involved anyway & now wants to behave like it's all completely normal?! Jesus Christ!

Original poster
perfumelover99 · 30/12/2023 18:09

So the OW knew he was married and he apparently he did make it clear to her that it was just sex when they met and that he would never leave his wife.

When BIL fell asleep she used his phone to text my SIL "when are the kids meeting"?.
DH reckons she did this in the hope of splitting them up.

SIL has known about the twins for 18 months and chose to stay with him on the condition that the children do not meet.

The children he has with my SIL are 13 and 7 and have a baby on the way.

The issue me and DH have is that he will always defend his BIL and in his eyes he can do no wrong.

My DH even had the cheek to tell me that it must of been SIL fault for the reason that BIL cheated.
Usually BIL is very judgemental and dislikes cheaters but on this occasion BIL gets a pass Blush.

Its probably for the best the kids dont meet the twins as it will just be to confusing and no way will my kids be expected to lie for BIL.

OP posts:
DeeLusional · 30/12/2023 18:15

HereForTheFreeLunch · 30/12/2023 11:37

OP's responsibility is first and foremost to her own kids.

They should NOT be asked to keep a secret. The day the twins are out in the open and the whole family is aware, they can meet them if OP wishes.

Show quote history

Misundestanding..I totally agree that they should not be asked to meet the cousins and keep a secret.

Haveyouanyjam · 30/12/2023 18:31

This is all absolutely baffling. What is so amazing about your BIL that these two women are acting like this? I cannot fathom.

It’s ridiculous that your SIL stayed with him on the basis that they agreed to lie to their children about them having siblings. I understand it’s humiliating and hurtful for her but the later the children find out the worse the damage will be. And it would primarily damage their relationship with BIL not their mum. Not to mention damaging for the poor twins who never asked to be born into such an awful situation. So BIL is allowed to care for his children but in secret?? That’s madness and gives him such an easy opportunity to duck out of responsibilities at home and continue his affair with the twins’ mum.

SIL needs to wake up and realise their mum isn’t going down quietly…it sounds like BIL is trying to appease her by suggesting their children meet yours instead. Sooner or later the OW will realise he is never leaving his wife and will
show up at their home. I bet any money.

If I were you I would say in front of all of them that you feel extremely uncomfortable being involved in any lies and you won’t be lying to your children, though you are fine to not mention anything for now as they don’t know yet. That the OW is clearly not going to give up trying to be part of the family and they need to make a plan of how they are going to deal with this for their children, so you can consider the same for yours, who will be much less impacted.

Either she is part of the family or she is completely cut out, BIL cannot realistically be a father to her children properly and physically at the same time as maintaining this lie.

Sugarfree23 · 30/12/2023 18:55

I think the OW is trying to make sure that BILs family ie his brother knows and acknowledges her children.

I think SIL is being a bit daft not acknowledging the children.
That's going to cause tons of ill feeling in the future sooner or later the kids will findout about each other.

Whither it be randomly out shopping. Imagine trying to explain two kids calling you Dad in front of your other kids in the middle of Asda.

The other mum being ill and needing the Dads support

10 years time on Facebook or whatever.
Or 20 years when one of them decide to do a DNA know your Ancestors.

It will come out somehow. And it's better they are told carefully rather than it coming out the woodwork randomly.