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Original poster

Husband wants kids to meet BIL's love children?

234 replies

perfumelover99 · 30/12/2023 06:21

So basically my husband has just told me that his brother has twins with another woman despite being married.

The twins are two years old and it had been very hush hush and even the wife didnt find out until recently, my husband knew from day one but I understand him not telling me as its none of my business.

My SIL is adamant that she does not want her kids meeting the twins or having anything to do with them and they are not aware that they have these new siblings.

The mother of the twins has requested via my BIL that she wants to meet us and our kids and sent us presents for the kids at Christmas.

Our children are 13, 10, 6 and 6 weeks old.

Im abit concerned about having our kids meet some random woman and how confusing it will be for our own kids explaining the situation especially since they are close with the cousins from the marriage and will obviously have to keep it a secret from the cousins are unaware of the twins and affair which I dont think is fair or right.

I also do not want my kids growing up thinking its acceptable to behave the way my BIL behaves and treats women.

The twins are innocent in all of this and I feel bad as most of the family have shunned them and have sided with my SIL who is now pregnant and if she gets wind that we may possibly meet this woman it will really upset her.

My husband and BIL are keen for meeting but I dont want my kids being caught in my BIL's mess.
I have told my husband that it will be best to wait until our kids are older and can make their own decisions.

My BIl is really upset by this and has stopped speaking to me and my husband.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Vinrouge4 · 30/12/2023 08:44

You are definitely not being unreasonable. Don’t get involved in your BIL’s mess. He needs to learn he can’t have his cake and eat it. This

Allwelcone · 30/12/2023 08:45

Dont do it OP!
You need to nip any normalising of this situation in the bud. Your kids are innocent parties and this isn't your mess.
Let him sort out playing happy families with his own.
Stand firm.

arewedoneyet · 30/12/2023 08:45

YouJustDoYou · 30/12/2023 08:23

Your BIL is a massive cunt.

Basically sums up my thoughts entirely

ttcat37 · 30/12/2023 08:47

Your BIL is a total piece of shit and there’s no way I would let my kids be involved in their immoral shitshow. The other woman sounds like she knew as well, in which case she’s as bad and also sounds needy and a nightmare. It’s not the twins’ fault but it’s not your problem either. I’d be pissed off with your DH as well considering he’s seemingly also accepting of this gross situation. Really feel for your SIL, how humiliating for her. I hope she’s divorcing him asap?
Edit to add. You seem concerned that BIL is upset and not talking to you anymore. Sounds like a win to me? Fuck his feelings. He deserves to feel upset. You owe him nothing. Him not talking to you anymore sounds like it solves a problem.

DisforDarkChocolate · 30/12/2023 08:48

I'm with you. Why put your children in the middle of this mess? To pressure your SIL to meet these children. Your BIL is fecking awful.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 30/12/2023 08:53

I think I'd be telling SIL about BIL trying to arrange this meeting. Make it very clear to BIL that you will not keep his secrets.

I'd be having serious doubts about my relationship with DH. He has been lying by omission to you and SIL, and he's now trying to make you lie to her.

I am absolutely appalled by BIL's behaviour. What do his and your DH's parents have to say about it all?

AuntMarch · 30/12/2023 08:53

Just out of interest, does the OW know that SIL is pregnant? Did she always know he was married?

Whether or not she knew what she was getting herself involved in and whether he's misled her at any point about the state of his marriage would influence how I felt about "letting her in" at any point... Still not sneaking around behind SIL/children's back though!

quisensoucie · 30/12/2023 08:55

So you DH has colluded with his brother for 2 years
Your BILs wife is doormat anough to accept the fact that her husband has fathered children and is actively involed in their lives outside their marriage. On top of that they are hiding this behaviour from their children, then want your kids to collude in the lie?
What a disgusting bunch of people. I would not want to be associated with any of them

LynetteScavo · 30/12/2023 08:59

I don't think the twins mother sees herself as the other woman. Your BIL is a complete and utter dick. I really feel for your SIL, what an awful situation.

I wouldn't be facilitating a friendship with the twins, but I would want my DC to be aware there are cousins living locally, as I wouldn't want them potentially getting together as adults.

I would discus this with SIL. While her reaction to not wanting her DC and I know about their half siblings (I would react in the same way) it will eventually come out, so at some point she will need to make her DC aware in her own way, rather than have them discover on ancestry DNA when their older, or by the OW randomly turning up at her house with the twins.

emilysquest · 30/12/2023 09:00

There are people who choose to live polygamous lives, I have known some, and I don't judge them negatively if everyone is consenting and on board, without coercion. In that situation the children were all well aware they were all part of the same family and no secrets were ever kept. That is emphatically not the case here and I would refuse to involve my children in it if I were you.

Ktime · 30/12/2023 09:01

I do feel a bit annoyed that my DH didnt tell me but apparently he was sworn to secrecy.

I don’t think such a thing should be kept from a spouse. My first thought was that your DH doesn’t seem to think what his brother did is that bad but hopefully that’s not the case as he’s agreed your family won’t be meeting BIL’s second family.

I would also minimise contact with BIL where possible.

Lwrenagain · 30/12/2023 09:03

Toomanysquishmallows · 30/12/2023 08:27

@Lwrenagain , my dd is in the opposite situation, my ex , his ow and their child are part of his family, dd has been blanked for 20 years.

Your poor daughter. I'm so sorry they've done this to her and you, fuckers. I hope he falls arse first on a cactus making every poo spikey & insufferable!

WonderingWanda · 30/12/2023 09:03

This sounds incredibly complicated. So is the bil with his wife still or with this other woman? I think that makes a huge difference. If he is still with his wife but wants to facilitate some sort of extra family then this is bonkers what on earth is he playing at? If he has left his wife....or if his wife has any sense and has kicked him out and is now trying to form new life with this woman and the twins then as disgusting as his behaviour was I would say that this is the new normal. These twins are also his children and I doubt his wife will be able to keep them a secret forever as much as she doesn't want to hurt her own children.

TrolleyCase · 30/12/2023 09:03

I would never make a child lie or keep a secret like this. Other than perhaps a surprise gift for their other parent, children should not be burdened with the responsibility of secrets, especially life-changing ones like this.

JurassicFantastic · 30/12/2023 09:03

The twins are two years old and it had been very hush hush and even the wife didnt find out until recently

it was the twins mum that text SIL of my BIL's phone when he was asleep one time and this is when the twins were 6 months old

Which is it? Has SIL known for 18 months or just found our recently?

I'm beginning to smell a rat. Should have spotted it at the mention of twins.

LadyEloise1 · 30/12/2023 09:04

Did I read correctly that your sil is now pregnant despite knowing her husband has had an affair behind her back and has twins with the ow ?
Is her cheating husband the father of the baby she is expecting ?

AuContraire · 30/12/2023 09:05

Feel very sorry for your SIL, clearly her conceiving this latest baby was done as part of a pick-me strategy, to try and keep her family and marriage together after your awful, deceitful BIL's decision to destroy everyone's stability. But this baby will always exist in the shadow of these circumstances, which will make it very hard for SIL to enjoy it how she should. Ultimately this whole thing will tear her apart.

Poor baby. Poor SIL, and your poor neices and nephews (and the twins).

Tonight1 · 30/12/2023 09:05

This is so messy. For now, distance is best. OW seems to think she is family??

Keep close to SIL and discuss things with her. Surprised she wants to stay with him.

emilysquest · 30/12/2023 09:05

I'm beginning to smell a rat. Should have spotted it at the mention of twins.

Now I think of it, this.

AllEars112232 · 30/12/2023 09:05

JurassicFantastic · 30/12/2023 06:37

What the status of this woman's current relationship with BIL? Her sending gifts sounds as though they are still in a relationship and she wants to be accepted by the family, not just the children.

In terms of meeting the twins, agree with what PP have said. Your BIL can't have his cake and eat it. He can't be expecting you and your children to keep secrets from his wife and children, so if you meet the twins you are able to talk openly about it.

I also don't think it would be fair for cousins to meet before siblings meet.

These are issues he needs to resolve in his own marriage before getting pissy with you.

If having the twins in his family life is so important to him he is free to leave SIL and make his own decisions about what happens with their children and who they meet, on his time with them. If he doesn't want to do that then he needs to start treating SIL with some respect and not pressure you to treat her views with disrespect.

Exactly!
clearly this relationship is on going otherwise sending gifts to your children is totally bizarre.
I think you are right to refuse to drag your children into BIL’s seedy world.
Your DH is not acting reasonably, presumably because he has a misguided (in this case) loyalty to his twin.

TrolleyCase · 30/12/2023 09:07

And currently for the twins, perhaps ‘ignorance is bliss’. They are not being actively ‘punished’. They are actually being kept away from the big family dramas that might ensue if the new family is forced to ‘accept’ them.

I have no idea why the sil has stayed with this man. There must be some compelling psychological or practical reasons at play. But for now, her view should be respected. She must be so hurt and devastated. And is vulnerable right now.

I would not accede to a single one of bil’s requests. I would not really be able to even look at him right now.

What a mess.

Lydia777 · 30/12/2023 09:07

Agree! Your husband has behaved terribly and I would question the kind of person he is.

ElevenSeven · 30/12/2023 09:08

No, I wouldn’t have anything to do with them.

Ilovelurchers · 30/12/2023 09:10

Firstly, I don't think your children will be damaged in any way by meeting this woman and her children their cousins. They are going to meet people in their lives who have affairs (and much worse). It's OK - it's not contagious! It certainly wouldn't be right to ask your children to lie about or conceal the meeting however - is this what your husband their father is pushing for?

Your oldest child, and arguably the second oldest, are at an age where you can ask them if they have any interest in meeting these two year old twins or not. I would certainly be asking my daughter, who is 12, and would be guided by her answer.

What I wouldn't be doing is making any massive moral judgements about anyone involved. Clearly your brother and SIL have a highly unusual relationship, as she has accepted him having two children with another woman, and gone on to have more kids with him herself.

Different strokes for different folks - one assumes they are polyamorists or something? (I can't even spell it). As clearly, most people would leave their husband if he had twins with someone else, not crack on and have another baby with him.

It's up to them, isn't it? No point being angry on the SIL"s behalf when she clearly isn't that bothered about it herself.

The twins are CERTAINLY innocent parties on this, so I wouldn't deliberately exclude them from the family. I think that would be horrible. But it's up to your kids whether they want to meet them or not. If they don't I'd maybe meet the mom for a coffee myself and have a look at the babies or whatever she wants you to do. I wouldn't like to anyone about it tho - why should you?

liveforsummer · 30/12/2023 09:11

RowanMayfair · 30/12/2023 06:22

Your kids can't develop a relationship with these kids until their own siblings know about them. Expecting kids to keep a secret like this is ridiculous.

This. Your dc can't even know about these twins unless their cousins to. Hugely unreasonable for anyone to expect them to keep that secret and I'd be furious if they were my dc that anyone might think that's ok

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