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Original poster

Husband wants kids to meet BIL's love children?

234 replies

perfumelover99 · 30/12/2023 06:21

So basically my husband has just told me that his brother has twins with another woman despite being married.

The twins are two years old and it had been very hush hush and even the wife didnt find out until recently, my husband knew from day one but I understand him not telling me as its none of my business.

My SIL is adamant that she does not want her kids meeting the twins or having anything to do with them and they are not aware that they have these new siblings.

The mother of the twins has requested via my BIL that she wants to meet us and our kids and sent us presents for the kids at Christmas.

Our children are 13, 10, 6 and 6 weeks old.

Im abit concerned about having our kids meet some random woman and how confusing it will be for our own kids explaining the situation especially since they are close with the cousins from the marriage and will obviously have to keep it a secret from the cousins are unaware of the twins and affair which I dont think is fair or right.

I also do not want my kids growing up thinking its acceptable to behave the way my BIL behaves and treats women.

The twins are innocent in all of this and I feel bad as most of the family have shunned them and have sided with my SIL who is now pregnant and if she gets wind that we may possibly meet this woman it will really upset her.

My husband and BIL are keen for meeting but I dont want my kids being caught in my BIL's mess.
I have told my husband that it will be best to wait until our kids are older and can make their own decisions.

My BIl is really upset by this and has stopped speaking to me and my husband.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
MCOut · 30/12/2023 09:44

What a trash man. I feel really sorry for your SIL but considering she is having another child with this dog, despite knowing he is carrying on behind her back I think it’s fair to say she’s accepted his behaviour.

She shouldn’t keep her children away from the twins. I know of similar situation and it caused so much resentment from both kids to their parents. They only found out because their cousins, despite being sworn to secrecy, spilled the beans in their teens.

Until she decides that she’s happy for her children to know about them it’s best for yours not to.

strawberrysea · 30/12/2023 09:45

GreatGateauxsby · 30/12/2023 08:15

This just gets weirder

SIL knew about the twins at 6M old….

in the 18M following she and BIL had unprotected sex and got pregnant.
she decided to keep the baby and has decided to have a third child with him…

🧐🙄🤯🤯🤯🤯

the mother of the twins is the least weird one IMO…. I can actually understand where she is coming from.
she wants her children to know their family and is showing good will to your children via gifts and friendly comms.

the SIL… no idea what’s going on there….i do have huge sympathy though as she must feel so powerless…

Edited

My thoughts exactly.

My jaw dropped when I read the word 'pregnant'.

BoohooWoohoo · 30/12/2023 09:45

I wouldn’t have accepted gifts from the mistress/BIL either. That’s going to be explosive if SIL and her children find out.

Redburnett · 30/12/2023 09:47

IMO you would be well advised to return all the gifts from the twins' mother with a curt note that you do not see her or them as part of your family and want no further contact from her at all. Otherwise the mother will continue to try and worm her way into the wider family. BIL's mess is his to deal with and should not involve you. Your DH needs to take a stand on this. Years down the line your DC can make their own decisions about whether they want to meet their cheating uncle's children, but I would do nothing to encourage it. The OW chose to have sex with a married man with no intention of leaving his wife, and chose to continue the pregnancy. She made those decisions. They do not give her the right to try and inveigle her way into your immediate family (your DH and your DC).

DeeLusional · 30/12/2023 09:48

If OP and her DCs meet the lover and her children, it will probably destroy their relationship with SIL and her DCs. The lover is trying to worm her way in and create a wedge with the aim of splitting up BIL and SIL. It's sad for the twins but OPs duty to her own DCs, don't destroy the relationship they already have with SILs children.

Jf20 · 30/12/2023 09:48

Redburnett · 30/12/2023 09:47

IMO you would be well advised to return all the gifts from the twins' mother with a curt note that you do not see her or them as part of your family and want no further contact from her at all. Otherwise the mother will continue to try and worm her way into the wider family. BIL's mess is his to deal with and should not involve you. Your DH needs to take a stand on this. Years down the line your DC can make their own decisions about whether they want to meet their cheating uncle's children, but I would do nothing to encourage it. The OW chose to have sex with a married man with no intention of leaving his wife, and chose to continue the pregnancy. She made those decisions. They do not give her the right to try and inveigle her way into your immediate family (your DH and your DC).

wow. How awful, but the cheating man gets a pass?

Ilovelurchers · 30/12/2023 09:48

I just read a reply (phone won't let me quote for some reason) saying OP "Has no responsibility to the twins"

Don't we all have a moral responsibility to each other? Especially to innocent children? I'd hate to live in a world where we don't.

determinedtomakethiswork · 30/12/2023 09:51

This is crazy. Have you spoken to your sister in law?

Nanny0gg · 30/12/2023 09:52

perfumelover99 · 30/12/2023 07:01

In glad I am not the only one who thinks this is a messed up situation.

The twins mother sounds a bit too much, when I gave birth to my son she was begging my BIL to send her a picture of my son and then brought us loads of gifts the same day which BIL brought round.

Apparently BIL and the twins mum just co parent and but she is hopeful that that they will be a family one day and be together.

From what I understand my BIL had no intention of telling my SIL about the twins it was the twins mum that text SIL of my BIL's phone when he was asleep one time and this is when the twins were 6 months old.

I do feel a bit annoyed that my DH didnt tell me but apparently he was sworn to secrecy.
I do feel he is a bit scared of my BIL (he is older) and even though he dosent say much about it I know he thinks its a messed up situation as well judging by his comments.

I would be livid if my DH introduced our children into such a messed up situation.

If your SiL has decided to stay with him, how she handles the situation is up to her (though I don't know how long she can realistically keep all the children apart) and I think you should follow her lead. Your children shouldn't be expected to keep quiet

And the 'other woman' sounds a bit desperate (understandably) wanting to get involved with your family. Not on.

Tacotortoise · 30/12/2023 09:53

JurassicFantastic · 30/12/2023 07:09

I do feel a bit annoyed that my DH didnt tell me but apparently he was sworn to secrecy

This is such a cop out and you know it.

He chose to be sworn to secrecy. He accepted those terms. He could have said no.

Your DH is a man who valued a quiet life more than honesty - including to you. He was happy to help cover up his brother's cheating and lying for years.

Even now he's thinking of himself and his brother, not you, your children, your SIL or her children. And now he wants you and your children to join him in the dishonesty.

I really think you need to have a long hard look at who he is and think seriously about whether you can trust him in your marriage. I couldn't.

I don't agree at all. Not his secret to tell. Would you gallop to tell your BiL about your sisters infidelity?

ElevenSeven · 30/12/2023 09:53

Ilovelurchers · 30/12/2023 09:48

I just read a reply (phone won't let me quote for some reason) saying OP "Has no responsibility to the twins"

Don't we all have a moral responsibility to each other? Especially to innocent children? I'd hate to live in a world where we don't.

Of course we don’t.

People have every right to draw boundaries

Nanny0gg · 30/12/2023 09:54

happyduckk · 30/12/2023 07:29

I think both you and the SIL are being massively unreasonable. What you choose to do will have a massive impact on the lives of the twins.
They will see and feel the rejection and that will stay with them forever.
Regarding not wanting your children to copy BIL's behaviour, presumably your children will watch movies, play games and generally be present it in the world? Do you think them watching news of war will make them copy that behaviour and go off and kill people?
It's not BIL's behaviour that your children my copy - they will copy your behaviour. Whether you choose to be kind and inclusive or not is what your children will learn.

All the impact on the twins' lives is down to BiL and their mother

It's not the OP's fault or issue

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 30/12/2023 09:56

Your BIL is a prick who is having his cake and eating it. Both women seem to be playing the pick me dance and he is loving it.

Don’t engage. Support your SIL and I’d be telling her what BIL is wanting you to do and how he is treating you as you won’t comply with his happy families edict.

2024IWillBeNurturingMe · 30/12/2023 09:56

My BIl is really upset by this and has stopped speaking to me and my husband.

Ahh, your BIL is upset? Didumms. He is a shit bag who deeply upsets others and causes them no end of drama and grief. He is a turd of a man.

Who cares what he thinks or if he is upset. His love twins won't care if they don't see their half cousins who they don't even know.

Keep well out of it. Just tell your DH you want nothing to do with this. Tell your BIL, that you are not being a walk on part in his soap opera.

MistletoeandJd · 30/12/2023 09:58

As messy as this is there is 2 children entitled to a family. It is a huge mess and absolute poop storm really but the kids are innocents in this and deserve to see their family.

Onelifeonly · 30/12/2023 09:58

These twins are fine with their one and a half parents. They don't need to know their cousins or, come to that, half siblings at this point. At 2 they will have no understanding of the relationships anyway. Their mother sounds ridiculous if she is sending presents (= manipulation) and expecting to meet OP's children.

I also wouldn't be happy if my DH had kept a secret like this from me. I'd have expected him to tell his brother that he couldn't do that. But BIL obviously thrives on secrets so I can see he wouldn't understand.

If your DH insists on introducing your children OP, I'd definitely tell SIL.

DinoDays · 30/12/2023 09:58

JurassicFantastic · 30/12/2023 09:03

The twins are two years old and it had been very hush hush and even the wife didnt find out until recently

it was the twins mum that text SIL of my BIL's phone when he was asleep one time and this is when the twins were 6 months old

Which is it? Has SIL known for 18 months or just found our recently?

I'm beginning to smell a rat. Should have spotted it at the mention of twins.

Spot on! Always with the twins.

Farwell · 30/12/2023 10:01

I have doubts, but for the moment, will take this as being true...

The only person you support in any of this is your SIL. What does she want you to do?
All the pregnancy, twins etc are noise. If she wants to remain married to this man, rather than passing judgement on any of that, support her needs. If she has asked you to keep your family away from this other family, do so.
I am in an online support group for marriages with ongoing affairs and healing after them etc. There are plenty who have got past this kind of mess, even to the point where the wife shares parenting with the 'bonus' kids. I could not do that. But the key thing is listening to SIL needs. If she wants nothing to do with the other family, then help her with that.

PleaseBeADecentYear2024 · 30/12/2023 10:02

MistletoeandJd · 30/12/2023 09:58

As messy as this is there is 2 children entitled to a family. It is a huge mess and absolute poop storm really but the kids are innocents in this and deserve to see their family.

Presumably their mother has family she can introduce them to?

I would insist that BIL sort out the twins meeting his own kids first, SIL knowing and an acceptance that I would not to lying to SIL about anything. I would also refuse to allow my children to be part of any deception, so no asking them to keep secrets, too bad if they tell. BIL needs to get his own house in order before involving my kids, and in a honest way.

Ghostgirl77 · 30/12/2023 10:04

With the inappropriate gift giving it sounds like the mother of the twins is trying to win you over to prove to BIL what a great wife she’d be. I don’t know what your relationship with SIL is like but I’d be wary of getting involved.

As far as the kids go, the half siblings need to be told first, it wouldn’t be fair for your kids to know but not them. I’d be keeping yours away on principle until they are told.

betterangels · 30/12/2023 10:04

MistletoeandJd · 30/12/2023 09:58

As messy as this is there is 2 children entitled to a family. It is a huge mess and absolute poop storm really but the kids are innocents in this and deserve to see their family.

They are not entitled to OP's family. This is not a mess her children should be dragged into.

Whatafustercluck · 30/12/2023 10:04

This whole situation is batshit. Why is anyone trying to prioritise the twins' relationship with cousins when they don't even have one with their half siblings?! That's the issue that needs resolving - bil's/ sil's fucked up situation with the ow and twins. The fact that sil is pregnant with their third knowing full well what a scumbag her h is, is literally mind boggling. As others have said, I wouldn't mind my kids developing a relationship with their cousins, but that's completely the wrong focus here. Bil and sil need to sort their shit out first and this ow needs to back off. What a horrendous family dynamic you're being drawn into. Your bil sounds like an absolute tool.

MeridianB · 30/12/2023 10:04

He’s clearly having some kind of ongoing intimate relationship with the twins’ mother. If she’s telling his wife about them and then desperately trying to insert herself in your family then she’s not going to be demurely just chatting about business with him. Sex will be a key part of her MO.

So BIL has lied and is still lying. And he’s now trying to legitimise his immoral behaviour via your children! It would be a hard no from me. And if your DH couldn’t understand this I’d be questioning his values, too.

#TeamSIL

Ktime · 30/12/2023 10:04

DinoDays · 30/12/2023 09:58

Spot on! Always with the twins.

Show quote history

Yes, OP needs to come and clarify, her absence is worrying.

QuietBear · 30/12/2023 10:05

I've no comments to make about this particular situation, because, well twins...🙃

But when people have affairs they are nearly always manipulative and emotionally abusive. They will use their 'innocent' offspring to draw you into their bullshit and try to convince you that nothing they have done could possibly compare to your rejection of their child. It's all bollox!

I get to choose who I have in my life. I'm innocent too and have no interest in any 'love children' thrown my way, they are their parents concern.