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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wants kids to meet BIL's love children?

234 replies

perfumelover99 · 30/12/2023 06:21

So basically my husband has just told me that his brother has twins with another woman despite being married.

The twins are two years old and it had been very hush hush and even the wife didnt find out until recently, my husband knew from day one but I understand him not telling me as its none of my business.

My SIL is adamant that she does not want her kids meeting the twins or having anything to do with them and they are not aware that they have these new siblings.

The mother of the twins has requested via my BIL that she wants to meet us and our kids and sent us presents for the kids at Christmas.

Our children are 13, 10, 6 and 6 weeks old.

Im abit concerned about having our kids meet some random woman and how confusing it will be for our own kids explaining the situation especially since they are close with the cousins from the marriage and will obviously have to keep it a secret from the cousins are unaware of the twins and affair which I dont think is fair or right.

I also do not want my kids growing up thinking its acceptable to behave the way my BIL behaves and treats women.

The twins are innocent in all of this and I feel bad as most of the family have shunned them and have sided with my SIL who is now pregnant and if she gets wind that we may possibly meet this woman it will really upset her.

My husband and BIL are keen for meeting but I dont want my kids being caught in my BIL's mess.
I have told my husband that it will be best to wait until our kids are older and can make their own decisions.

My BIl is really upset by this and has stopped speaking to me and my husband.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
MinervatheGreat · 30/12/2023 09:11

“JurassicFantastic · Today 06:37

What the status of this woman's current relationship with BIL? Her sending gifts sounds as though they are still in a relationship and she wants to be accepted by the family, not just the children.”

This in part from @JurassicFantastic !

She is pushing herself where it is currently not appropriate to do so.

A family is being imploded and she’s sending gifts? Really?

Your children can’t be expected to keep secrets. Your husband and his brother are being immature to attempt to foist this on the wider family.

Keep your kids out of it until BIL has sorted out his wife and the OW. Then and only then, it would be nice to welcome the twins.

Ktime · 30/12/2023 09:12

JurassicFantastic · 30/12/2023 09:03

The twins are two years old and it had been very hush hush and even the wife didnt find out until recently

it was the twins mum that text SIL of my BIL's phone when he was asleep one time and this is when the twins were 6 months old

Which is it? Has SIL known for 18 months or just found our recently?

I'm beginning to smell a rat. Should have spotted it at the mention of twins.

Good spot, @JurassicFantastic .

OP, please explain the discrepancy, as people are giving advice in good faith here.

Sodndashitall · 30/12/2023 09:12

Your BIL needs to understand that your DC cannot keep this secret. It's not even fair to ask this of them. Therefore if the SIL doesn't want her DC knowing then your DC can't meet them as they can't be expected not to say anything.
Forget the rights and wrong of the situation it's just not fair on your DC

LondonJax · 30/12/2023 09:13

happyduckk · 30/12/2023 07:29

I think both you and the SIL are being massively unreasonable. What you choose to do will have a massive impact on the lives of the twins.
They will see and feel the rejection and that will stay with them forever.
Regarding not wanting your children to copy BIL's behaviour, presumably your children will watch movies, play games and generally be present it in the world? Do you think them watching news of war will make them copy that behaviour and go off and kill people?
It's not BIL's behaviour that your children my copy - they will copy your behaviour. Whether you choose to be kind and inclusive or not is what your children will learn.

So finding out months/years later that your cousins knew you had half siblings won't damage the SIL/BIL children? They'll be fine will they @happyduckk, knowing that their 13, 10 and 6 year old cousins knew about the existence of these children before they did? That they all trundled off to meet them and 'play happy families' (which seems to be what the OW and BIL want). Have you actually read what BIL wants to happen and how his other kids know nothing about all of this? I'd say where was his backbone rather than pick on SIL and OP. If he really wanted this woman and the twins, he'd have grown some by now and explained it all to his children - with or without SIL blessing. Instead, all he's done, is sat back and enjoyed two families then blamed it all on SIL. What a catch!

Yes, SIL AND BIL need to tell their children that these siblings exist. But that's their job. It's not the job of a 13 year old,10 year old or 6 year old to accidentally blurt it out. And what sort of idiot expects a 6 year old to keep that secret?! It's bad enough even asking the other two to keep it quiet - you may, if you're lucky, succeed. But a 6 year old? Are BIL and the OW living in cuckoo land? Or are they playing a very clever game by, eventually, having the 'secret' slip to the BILs children (but not by either of them) - forcing SIL hand?

It's the adults secret. It's for the adults to sort out. The twins won't suffer - the only people who can cause them heartache are BIL and OW if they tell them 'the family don't want to meet them'. That's not true. The family don't want their children dragged into something that only adults can sort out. Totally different and nothing to do with all the innocent kids on all sides.

Doyoumind · 30/12/2023 09:16

What a bunch of selfish adults (not you OP) and poor kids. Your BIL is an awful man. Obviously he shouldn't have been having an affair in the first place but when she got pregnant he should have come clean with everyone. He's messing up the lives of all his DC at the moment and the consequences will impact their whole lives.

Your SIL isn't blameless. Wtf was she doing getting pregnant in an attempt to trap him into staying knowing what she was bringing the child into?

And your DH expects his own DC to lie?

They all need to grow up and be honest. They aren't protecting the children by keeping quiet about it. They're just drawing out the deceit and making the whole situation more explosive in the long term.

Shinyandnew1 · 30/12/2023 09:16

My BIl is really upset by this and has stopped speaking to me and my husband.

I really don’t think this is much of a loss here-he sounds like a total tosser.

TempName247 · 30/12/2023 09:17

Goes without saying that BILs’ behaviour is disgusting and I feel massive sympathy for SIL, however I think she is wrong to keep her kids away from their siblings. BIL, as their father should absolutely be having regular contact with them, they are his children and I think any men who disown or don’t see their children are pathetic and the lowest of the low.

Esmerelda2024 · 30/12/2023 09:18

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

HerMammy · 30/12/2023 09:19

SIL found out 18mths ago, yet stayed and is now pregnant?
I've no sympathy for anyone here, keeping bringing kids into this hideous situation is madness.

Ktime · 30/12/2023 09:20

TempName247 · 30/12/2023 09:17

Goes without saying that BILs’ behaviour is disgusting and I feel massive sympathy for SIL, however I think she is wrong to keep her kids away from their siblings. BIL, as their father should absolutely be having regular contact with them, they are his children and I think any men who disown or don’t see their children are pathetic and the lowest of the low.

BIL is having contact with them. But it sounds like BIL is still shagging the OW so why should SIL let BIL play happy families with their dc and OW and her dc?

Tawlk · 30/12/2023 09:23

Wow BIL sounds like a piece of work, your poor SIL I feel terrible for her and he kids, it’s more important to show support to your SIL at this time, it would be a real breach of trust if you go see these kids behind her back, I doubt your relationship would come back from it. I also feel terribly sorry for the twins as they are completely innocent but it sounds like they have both their mum and dad in their lives and I assume some family on their mums side? It will probably become possible as they get older and your SIL and BIL split - which I assume they will by the sounds of him.

JFDIYOLO · 30/12/2023 09:24

Your BIL has two families, fathered another child on his wife while his mistress thinks they'll be together one day.

What must your poor SIL be going through?

Your husband knew - and kept it all a secret.

What else might your DH be hiding?

Two brothers who think that's how to respect women.

What was their father like? How were his sons brought up?

They are asking you to be complicit in this mess and to enmesh your children into it, and make them in turn keep secrets from their cousins (This is bound to fail, then it will be your fault, of course).

And now your BIL is upset and refusing to speak ... WTF? HE'S upset?? How is it his right to be upset about anything???

Cwtshcwtsh · 30/12/2023 09:26

Completely right, OP. There’s no way you and your DCs can be caught in the middle having to keep secrets. That’s a family implosion waiting to happen when SIL finds out. It would be another betrayal from people she should be able to trust on top of the one she’s already experienced from her (not so) DH. That’s a terrible position to put you in and I’d be angry for myself and my DCs that DH especially but also BIL were asking it of me. Stick to your guns for as long as the half-siblings don’t know. Sorry you’re in this position, and it’s none of your making.

mamacorn1 · 30/12/2023 09:26

Bil is having his cake and eat it, and these women are allowing this to happen. It’s sad really. Do not let your dh drag you into this. Keep your kids out. I guarantee the twins mum will start posting/sending pics of your kids with her kids to sil- she is trying to use you and your children as leverage within the family. Keep out of it all. This is going to get nasty in the end.

AlwaysGinPlease · 30/12/2023 09:27

YABU ...for using the term love children

Ktime · 30/12/2023 09:29

AlwaysGinPlease · 30/12/2023 09:27

YABU ...for using the term love children

It’s in the dictionary 🤷🏻‍♀️

Evilcountspatula · 30/12/2023 09:30

I can’t even begin to understand why you think people might think you’re being unreasonable for not wanting to go along with this. Having said that, practically everyone in this scenario sounds unhinged - the BIL seems to think nothing untoward has happened, ditto the OW, your SIL for bringing another baby into this mess and your DH for being complicit in the first place (sworn to secrecy my arse), so I can imagine that you may have been gaslighted into thinking any of this is normal or reasonable. Unless both parties in a marriage are in a consensual open relationship, it really, really isn’t. There are nine children in total who stand to be very damaged by this shit show if your BIL carries on and has his way - including four who really don’t need to be involved at all, ie yours.

TeaMistress · 30/12/2023 09:31

This all sounds very strange. Your husband actively colluded with his brother who by the sounds of it is still cheating on his wife. His wife is now pregnant with a third child and the mistress has 2 year old twins which were the product of their ongoing affair. Said mistress is now expecting to be treated as part of the family and is overstepping boundaries by trying to insinuate herself and her children into your lives?? Erm I would be taking your poor SIL to the nearest solicitor and then firmly making it clear to your husband that his brothers mistress comes nowhere near you or your children. Utterly batshit that this woman is sending gifts and wanting to meet you all..even more batshit that your husband is encouraging this....

PrueRamsay · 30/12/2023 09:32

Given that SIL has known for 18 months, and has chosen to stay with BIL, and even have another child with him, she is wrong for denying her DC a relationship with their half siblings.

That end of things really needs sorting out before your own children should be involved OP.

What a dreadful mess.

Pumpkinpie1 · 30/12/2023 09:38

Id be concerned about your husbands support of his brothers affair . His silence is support. It doesn’t bode well for your family and relationship keeping secrets.
If his Brother thinks this is an acceptable way to treat women. I think stopping talking to him is a blessing.
I certainly wouldn’t want your children getting thrown into his drama.
Your poor SIL It’s like he wants to cause her pain.

betterangels · 30/12/2023 09:41

JurassicFantastic · 30/12/2023 06:44

As a side note, I'd be very worried about and cross about DH keeping this a secret since day 1. He is not blameless in this either. On day 1 he could have said to his brother "you have a week to tell SIL or I do". But he didn't. He was happy to be complicit in cheating and lying - including to you. For years. Now he wants you to make his brother's life easier with no regard to the feelings of SIL or his brother's children.

Personally this is not a man I would want to be married to or would trust.

I definitely thought this first thing. Your husband is, at best, being weird to want to involve his children and family in this mess. I'd be telling him that. I'm shocked he thinks that's appropriate.

LlynTegid · 30/12/2023 09:41

I am assuming this thread is genuine.

I agree with you OP.

Pumpkinpie1 · 30/12/2023 09:43

And the misstress she sounds …… keep your self and your kids far away from this mess. Watch your husband his approval of his brother behaviour is a massive 🚩

LifeonMarsnotVenus · 30/12/2023 09:43

Twins you say? Aye righty ho.

(Think Eastenders has mislaid one of its crappy writers…)

BoohooWoohoo · 30/12/2023 09:44

Your children shouldn’t meet the twins until their siblings meet. Asking your kids to keep this secret is a disaster waiting to happen and the children should be protected.

In your shoes, I’d be relieved that I didn’t know the secret. It would have made interactions with SIL and her kids awkward and made me feel guilty. However I’d be concerned that your h thinks it’s ok to ask your kids to keep this secret. Did he find it hard to keep the secret or did he think that the brotherly bond was more important?