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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wants kids to meet BIL's love children?

234 replies

perfumelover99 · 30/12/2023 06:21

So basically my husband has just told me that his brother has twins with another woman despite being married.

The twins are two years old and it had been very hush hush and even the wife didnt find out until recently, my husband knew from day one but I understand him not telling me as its none of my business.

My SIL is adamant that she does not want her kids meeting the twins or having anything to do with them and they are not aware that they have these new siblings.

The mother of the twins has requested via my BIL that she wants to meet us and our kids and sent us presents for the kids at Christmas.

Our children are 13, 10, 6 and 6 weeks old.

Im abit concerned about having our kids meet some random woman and how confusing it will be for our own kids explaining the situation especially since they are close with the cousins from the marriage and will obviously have to keep it a secret from the cousins are unaware of the twins and affair which I dont think is fair or right.

I also do not want my kids growing up thinking its acceptable to behave the way my BIL behaves and treats women.

The twins are innocent in all of this and I feel bad as most of the family have shunned them and have sided with my SIL who is now pregnant and if she gets wind that we may possibly meet this woman it will really upset her.

My husband and BIL are keen for meeting but I dont want my kids being caught in my BIL's mess.
I have told my husband that it will be best to wait until our kids are older and can make their own decisions.

My BIl is really upset by this and has stopped speaking to me and my husband.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Mumof2teens79 · 30/12/2023 08:16

No, it's not fair on anyone and will only cause confusion.

There is no inherrent right or need to meet cousins...I means cousins are nice but if you haven't got any you don't miss them.
I think it will cause far more psychological damage to the twins to be introduced to part of the family when they are secret from another part....and they have no idea why!

If BIL won't make a clean break with OW (she text from his phone while asleep, she wants to meet his family and sends gifts....they are together and sgecwants more) then SIL 100% needs to end it....unless everyone agrees to live polygamously!

Once everyone is clear, and children know M& D have split....then slowly he introduces concept of other family. Meeting cousins comes much later.

MushMonster · 30/12/2023 08:16

Do not get your children to meet anyone. It is your BIL who has to sort it. Your SIL and her children need to meet them up before.
Also, I thonk the adults need to get to know this woman before introducing any children. It sounds a bit too much.

rainbowstardrops · 30/12/2023 08:19

Bloody hell, what an arse your BIL is! So his wife AND OW are both pregnant now?! Yuk!

I'd be telling him it's up to him if he fucks around but that me and the kids would NOT be playing happy families with them! Your poor SIL.

When/if it's all out in the open and the children are all older then maybe but absolutely not now! I'd also knock the excessive present malarkey on the head too.

To be honest, I'd be taking a pretty dim view of your DH too, especially as he knew from day 1. So all the family occasions etc where you've all been together and your DH knew his brother was fucking around. Dispicable.

justhadenoughofitall · 30/12/2023 08:19

I wouldn't let my children meet the BIL again as he is a dangerous arsehole!

Lwrenagain · 30/12/2023 08:20

The twins haven't done fuck all wrong and quite possibly their mum had no idea BiL wasn't a single man.
This happened to a cousin of mine and her DD was absolutely shunned by her birth father's entire family.
Like the twins mum, she tried hard to be liked by her DDs fathers family or siblings by sensing letters of DD updates and gifts, they told her she should have terminated and to fuck off, called her a gold digger etc, completely untrue she just fell pregnant after a ONS and sadly the person who has lost the most was not just her DD but also her siblings who have no idea she exists.
Your BiL is a selfish cunt. I'm sorry you're all suffering because he couldn't even have the decency to have protected sex when he was cheating on SiL. Scumbag.

Freeasabird76 · 30/12/2023 08:21

Totally off topic,but.. your sister in law found out about the affair and children 18 months ago but is still with him and pregnant again.
It isn't any winder they are treating her like a mug when she is allowing it.

TheWillowTrees · 30/12/2023 08:21

Your poor SIL.

You should keep your children well away from the whole toxic mess. Sounds like the OW is trying to manage your SIL out of her own life. Please don’t add to the betrayal by joining in the lies.

The adults in the situation need to resolve it. Then you can think about what, if anything, this means for your children, and take your time. You absolutely shouldn’t let them be used by the adults for their own purposes in the way that’s being suggested.

Your husband also sounds like a deceitful fuck, for what it’s worth.

SunflowerSeeds123 · 30/12/2023 08:22

The twins should meet their siblings, obviously. But the twins mum sounds like she wants to be part of the family which is batshit to my ears. But the twins shouldn't meet their cousins until they've met their siblings!

The BiL is a piece of work isn't he? His poor wife. Glad to see OP is supporting her. I'd distance myself from Bil and his mess, personally.

DobbyRuth · 30/12/2023 08:23

Absolutely not in a million years! I would not allow this woman and her twins to have anything to do with my life.

YouJustDoYou · 30/12/2023 08:23

Your BIL is a massive cunt.

Starseeking · 30/12/2023 08:24

Let BIL keep on not speaking to you, probably ideal, given the situation.

GreatGateauxsby · 30/12/2023 08:25

YouJustDoYou · 30/12/2023 08:23

Your BIL is a massive cunt.

Also agree wholeheartedly with this.

Jf20 · 30/12/2023 08:26

This is awful I can’t believe everyone is punishing the kids. And that the wife is now pregnant. Did he cheat on her or was it before they got together?

anyone who encourages a man to not be involved with his kids, is a pos in my book.

puddypud · 30/12/2023 08:26

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Cnidarian · 30/12/2023 08:27

This! Poor SIL, but she stayed and has got pregnant again by this awful man, on the condition that the existence of her own children's half siblings of the same age are completely ignored. More lies. Even though if he is co parenting she must know he goes to see her and the children, and he's clearly still in a relationship with her. Fool me once....

You've taken the lie from your husband very generously, I don't think I would've been so understanding. His lies made him complicit in this deceit. And now he is entertaining further lies, and entangled your children in his web? Absolutely not. Sounds like you all would be a much better family without BIL in it. I feel a bit sorry for twin mum, she raised twins alone and has clearly been strung along that she and her children will be one day part of the family. More lies from BIL. Imagine the lies he has told each woman about the other, and continues to use their hatred of each other to justify more lies. They should raise their kids together in a commune without him.

Toomanysquishmallows · 30/12/2023 08:27

@Lwrenagain , my dd is in the opposite situation, my ex , his ow and their child are part of his family, dd has been blanked for 20 years.

Jf20 · 30/12/2023 08:27

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I’m appalled you attacked that poster for advocating for these innocent children, what’s wrong with you?

LangMayYerLumReek2024 · 30/12/2023 08:28

RowanMayfair · 30/12/2023 06:22

Your kids can't develop a relationship with these kids until their own siblings know about them. Expecting kids to keep a secret like this is ridiculous.

Absolutely this.

Although I think you and DH should meet them.

Ktime · 30/12/2023 08:30

My BIl is really upset by this and has stopped speaking to me and my husband.

Your BIL is using your kids as proxy siblings because he knows he can’t let all his kids meet.

Like fuck would I allow my children to be used as props so he can give his second family the illusion of a happy big family.

If SIL finds out she will stop you seeing her kids.

Stick to your guns, OP.

puddypud · 30/12/2023 08:30

@Jf20 nothing wrong with me thanks very much. Everything wrong with blaming the innocent OP and SIL though. You can also direct your comment to the other posters who called that stupid reply out too.

2jacqi · 30/12/2023 08:31

@perfumelover99 so basically, all the men in the family have been keeping a huge horrendous secret from their wives??? that is shitty. as for your hubby wanting your kids to meet the other kids, then your hubby is as idiotic as his brother. your poor sister in law must be in absolute bits and she will be wondering whether to make BIL her ex! she need serious supporting at this time and thank goodness you are supporting her because her bastard of a husband is centainly not!! are there any grandparents in this horrendous family??? all this because BIL couldnt keep his dick in his trousers!!

Jf20 · 30/12/2023 08:32

puddypud · 30/12/2023 08:30

@Jf20 nothing wrong with me thanks very much. Everything wrong with blaming the innocent OP and SIL though. You can also direct your comment to the other posters who called that stupid reply out too.

I don’t need to do it multiple times. The children exist. The wife forgave enough to keep shagging him ans have another child. Why punish the children.

I abhor this, forgive the cheating bloke but get the kids to fuck

Grimpo · 30/12/2023 08:36

It's pretty obvious that your BIL likes having two women and two families in his life, whilst the twins' mother wants him to be with her. There is absolutely no way you should get involved with any of this rubbish, and you should be asking your husband some hard questions about why he is condoning and facilitating it.

stepintochristmas1 · 30/12/2023 08:37

Sounds like bil is trying to force everyone to be a part of his double life , he really is wanting to have his cake and eat it .This is despicable , more like an experiment to see how far he can push those around him and your husband has rolled over .

puddypud · 30/12/2023 08:38

@Jf20 are you ok? No one said to forgive the cheating bloke and that the children don't exist are that these twins need to be punished. I certainly didn't. Don't make a habit of making things up. I'm within my rights to post here to someone saying the OP and her SIL are unreasonable for wanting to protect THEIR own children from this situation. Both are entirely innocent in this situation because you know, neither of them have cheated and have a secret family. They have no responsibility to these twins.

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