Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with DP after they upset DD?

320 replies

Violah · 28/12/2023 22:12

Sort of looking for advice on what to do but I think the damage will already be done.

DD13 was measuring her height and weight so that I could work out what size of clothing to order as she wanted a new coat.

She shouted her weight from another room so I could put it into the calculator. DP was astounded she weighed that much (more than him) to which I said before DD came through - do not make a big deal of this.

DD brought the scales through and weighed herself again and he pointed out to DD he weighed less than her.

DD left the room. I went to check on her and she was crying in bed. She pushed me away as I was tried to give her a cuddle. I tried to get across that she needn't worry about his stupid comment. But I know I've felt self-conscious all my life over weight so probably projecting those worries onto her.

I told DP off and I'm upset with him and on DDs behalf.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Youcannotbeseriousreally · 28/12/2023 22:14

Is the weight a weight to be concerned about? Is your DP actually tiny?

I wouldn’t want her upset but I also wouldn’t want to be supporting unhealthy weight if that’s the case ?

BornIn78 · 28/12/2023 22:15

Your 13 year old daughter weighs more than an adult male?

Is he particularly small?

Anothernewname123 · 28/12/2023 22:15

Help your daughter lose weight?

It's a good time to have a conversation about making sensible changes. If she weighs more than a grown man at 13, either he is unwell or she is quite seriously overweight.

DidiAskYouThough · 28/12/2023 22:16

Why is your boyfriend commenting on your child’s body? skin crawling.

YourNameGoesHere · 28/12/2023 22:17

If your 13 Year old daughter genuinely weighs more than your adult male husband then you need to refocus your anger at your husband and together help support her in losing weight!

SweetPetrichor · 28/12/2023 22:20

I think if she genuinely weighs more than him that’s more of issue than his comments!

Justcallmebebes · 28/12/2023 22:21

YourNameGoesHere · 28/12/2023 22:17

If your 13 Year old daughter genuinely weighs more than your adult male husband then you need to refocus your anger at your husband and together help support her in losing weight!

This. Sorry to pile on but if your 13 Yr old weighs more than an adult male, then you need to concentrate on that, not on your DP bringing attention to the fact

Didimum · 28/12/2023 22:22

SweetPetrichor · 28/12/2023 22:20

I think if she genuinely weighs more than him that’s more of issue than his comments!

Really? Weight can change. A shitty remark will stay with her forever.

Justcallmebebes · 28/12/2023 22:22

DidiAskYouThough · 28/12/2023 22:16

Why is your boyfriend commenting on your child’s body? skin crawling.

He wasn't

Original poster
Violah · 28/12/2023 22:22

I dont think she needs to lose weight though. She looks normal to me. She's always been larger framed than other girls her age and so was I growing up.

DP is not small (slightly taller than me and I'm 5.7) as such, but more a slim frame.

I'm broad shouldered and DD takes after me.

OP posts:
43ontherocksporfavor · 28/12/2023 22:23

He was out of order. He already expressed surprise to you in private and you asked him not to make a deal of it and he did. I’d be furious even if she is overweight, that is not the way to handle it. He needs to apologise to her and perhaps sensitively explain that he was surprised as she didn’t look that heavy. Damage limitation.Then help your DD to be a healthy weight.

43ontherocksporfavor · 28/12/2023 22:24

5ft 7 is small for a man . What’s her height and weight?

margotrose · 28/12/2023 22:24

If she's genuinely bigger and heavier than an adult male then I do think that's an issue.

But that doesn't mean his comment is acceptable.

riotlady · 28/12/2023 22:25

Justcallmebebes · 28/12/2023 22:21

This. Sorry to pile on but if your 13 Yr old weighs more than an adult male, then you need to concentrate on that, not on your DP bringing attention to the fact

Show quote history

I disagree, if she has problems with food then shaming comments from her stepfather are only going to make it worse.

Didimum · 28/12/2023 22:25

Justcallmebebes · 28/12/2023 22:21

This. Sorry to pile on but if your 13 Yr old weighs more than an adult male, then you need to concentrate on that, not on your DP bringing attention to the fact

Show quote history

Nope. Her weight, if problematic, can be discussed with appropriate concern in private with her mother, if he feels the burning need to bring it up. There is no need, whatsoever, for him to have highlighted it in that fashion.

SemperIdem · 28/12/2023 22:25

I would be furious with him for commenting after being explicitly asked not to.

However I would also quietly focus on ensuring your daughter is a healthy weight, it seems she might not be at the moment.

Freshstarts24 · 28/12/2023 22:26

How much does she weigh?

uclpp · 28/12/2023 22:26

A tall teen girl with broad shoulders could easily weigh more than a man who is short and skinny.

It was ridiculous of him to comment. Is he stupid? Has he never seen stuff about eating disorders?

theduchessofspork · 28/12/2023 22:27

Well he needs to be told that if he comments on your child’s weight or appearance again, you will have his balls.

I am fairly gobsmacked he commented even after you asked him not to. What’s that about??

If she needs to loose weight then work on that with her. It is unusual for a 13 year old girl to weight more than an adult man and be a healthy weight, but if she’s 5’10’ broad and athletic and he’s a 5’ 7’ beanpole then it is possible.

Gazelda · 28/12/2023 22:27

He owes her a huge apology for how he spoke to her. Sadly it can't be un-said.

But I think you should reflect honestly about her weight. While I see that you don't want her to obsess over it, there's no harm in chatting about healthy eating and a good body image.

eardefender · 28/12/2023 22:28

She is 13 and at such a self conscious age. You told him not to and he had to make a nasty point to put her down. I would be going nuclear on him and considering the relationship. He needs to apologise to her and you at the very least. What a prick.

roseheartfly · 28/12/2023 22:29

DidiAskYouThough · 28/12/2023 22:16

Why is your boyfriend commenting on your child’s body? skin crawling.

He hasn't commented on her body.

He's made a stupid comment about her weight.

This is awful for her to feel and I know how much it hurts. That said this will happen time and time again and it's better it's with the comfort of her family.

For me, I'd really not get her to focus on the number on the scales but how she feels about herself and point out now how men can be thoughtless.

Anothernewname123 · 28/12/2023 22:29

OP, you haven't said how much she weighs and how tall she is. Are you trying to make yourself feel better by not facing up to this?

Your partner might have been thoughtless and unkind but pretending everything is ok could be more harmful than his harsh words.

olympicsrock · 28/12/2023 22:30

He’s a dick. I would be furious with him.

Itsnamechange · 28/12/2023 22:30

He's out of order and I'd be furious with him. That being said you've not said what her height and weight is and I suspect you're sticking your head in the sand about it and she actually is overweight.
Both things can be true.