To be upset with DP after they upset DD?

[Violah]

Sort of looking for advice on what to do but I think the damage will already be done.

DD13 was measuring her height and weight so that I could work out what size of clothing to order as she wanted a new coat.

She shouted her weight from another room so I could put it into the calculator. DP was astounded she weighed that much (more than him) to which I said before DD came through - do not make a big deal of this.

DD brought the scales through and weighed herself again and he pointed out to DD he weighed less than her.

DD left the room. I went to check on her and she was crying in bed. She pushed me away as I was tried to give her a cuddle. I tried to get across that she needn't worry about his stupid comment. But I know I've felt self-conscious all my life over weight so probably projecting those worries onto her.

I told DP off and I'm upset with him and on DDs behalf.

Any advice?

This. I’d be absolutely fuming at him girls are incredibly sensitive about weight at this age and there is extreme pressure to look a certain way- a comment like this can scar for a long long time. You warned him right before he said it. He’s a fucking dick head & im angry for you!! Also at 5’7 he’s a small man- fucking tell him that give him a taste of his own damn medicine!! You can definitely have a larger frame a weight a lot more than you look as a result. Ugh. I hope your DD is ok x

@Meemawdebs68 probably you should start your own thread.

Yes. That’s why I said obviously BMI is different for children 🙄

It’s still a range that allows for a healthy, tall 13 year old girl to weigh more than a short adult male.

I've had issues with weight all my life as a result of comments my dad made about me being bigger than my mum as a teenager (it would have been far worse if he said I was bigger than him!) even though now I look back at photos of myself in my 20s and I was tiny - size 8. But at the time I saw myself as being huge. He needs to be very careful with what he says.

He was insensitive and daft. However, as her father he has as much right to raise an issue (sensibly,sensitively and kindly) as you have to ignore it. Your daughter and partner might both be outliers, so her weight might be fine and in the healthy range but I doubt it. Check her BMI at least as a starting point. You can even try it as an adult to see what that comes up as. If all good , by all means show him and tell him to shut up once and for all.

However, you can't expect him to be quiet (as stupid as his methods are) if there's an issue there and you're ignoring it. Your daughter won't thank you either, especially when older and might even end up resenting you for gaslighting her and telling her she's fine when she isn't.

Don’t know how! Googled it and thought I’d done it right- will delete earlier post - sorry everyone!

I hit puberty early and pretty much weighed the same at 13 than I do now at 37! I was incredibly self conscious about how early I developed and I know a comment like this would have crushed me. OP is DP your DD’s dad? I feel it is a slightly different conversation depending but either way I would make it totally clear that a woman/girls weight is never ever something a male parental figure in her life should be making fun of. It would be wonderful if this wasn’t the type of society we lived in where comments like this hurt so deeply but they do and he needs to recognise this.

Those two sentences directly contradict each other. The calculation for children is completely different. As you said 🤷🏻‍♀️

So I see that you said that her father is a little bit taller than you and you're 5'7. But is she taller than him?

Exactly. I wish the self righteous know it all cunts on here who are completely missing the point of the thread by saying “his comment here isn’t the problem” would fuck right off. Now.

Why is this on this thread? (YANBU but you are being very stupid he sounds a complete dick).

Shame and put downs don't help people lose weight. If they did there'd be very few overweight people. If she's overweight, and it sounds likely, then she's struggling with an issue many adults also struggle with. His behaviour was mean and not helpful at all. If she is overweight it's important this is addressed in a way that won't make her more self conscious and worsen her relationship with food.

It’s entirely possible for a 13 year old girl to weigh more than an adult man, and for both of them to be a healthy weight. The problem here seems to be that the girl’s father doesn’t understand that - presumably because he’s not very good with numbers. And also: he might weigh more than he thinks he does.

There's a difference to saying "don't make a big deal of this" and "don't mention this". Him saying "oh I weigh less than you" isn't making a big deal of it, him saying "oi chubby I don't even weigh that much" is. It really depends what was said!

I do think the height / weight thing is pretty relevant because if he's a 5"8/5"9 man and is a normal weight, then a 5"2 13 year old weighs a substantial amount more then it's probably unlikely to be in the normal weight range for the teenager.

Your DP is completely out of order, a 5 7” man is small. You’ve said you don’t think your daughter’s weight is an issue so I’m assuming she is not worryingly overweight. I’d be much more concern about my 13 his mental health from such insensitive comments. So so damaging. I’m so shocked at all the backward faux outrage of a 13 year old weighing more than a small man. Have we f..ing learned nothing about shitty diet culture and its detrimental affect on MH. I’m heartbroken for your little girl, this will likely stick with her, please try and reassure her x

Oestrogen is a cross women bear. Not only does it largely control periods etc but it also encourages fat deposition in support of child bearing.

I weighed 50kg at the age of 13. I was tall (5'6") and a size 12. I was heavier than everyone in my class except a friend of mine who was about 6" shorter than me and broader. She wasn't fat though.

I think we put too much stall into weight.

Your DP btw is an insensitive twit.

Poor DD. She must feel terrible. Do not focus on weight but on nutrition. Increase protein but only because most of us are protein deficient. Take up an exercise that reduces the risk of fat deposits, eg running.

Sending hugs to your DD.

Hey, everyone. Heads up in case it’s not glaringly obvious (although it is), OP is not going to share her daughter’s weight or height on here, because IT IS NOT RELEVANT TO THE ISSUE. Does anyone need it lit up on a billboard or do you get it now?

StickMan mght have a skinny little body, but he's got a big fat head, and he needs to give it a fucking wobble. What a stupid thing to say to a teenage girl ESPECIALLY when he'd been asked not to say anything. Is he always this stupid?

No I would like to see it on a billboard. Thank you.

what did your dp want a medal, some people omg.

Clearly she is absolutely fine and his comment has made an impact.

OP she is 13. Please nip this in the bud with him - he should not be commenting on her weight. This is how eating disorders start. He's made such a big deal of how little he weighs, as if he's proud of it. Is he OK?

Tell her (and dp), muscle weights heavier than fat. She’s fit, he’s not.

Your DP was an idiot for mentioning it in front of your DD as girls can be very sensitive at this age.

But I'm going to have to also agree with other that have said you need to look carefully at her weight. At 13 she shouldn't weight more then her Dad. For example my DD is 16 hight wise between me and DH, she doesn't now and never has weighted more then DH (he's regular build in his correct weight range for hieght). In fact she's athletic very muscular (does a lot of sport) and is no where near his weight. And as a girl shouldn't be as women are normally lighter then men anyway.

I'll just point out again you are comparing her to her Dad, who she shares Genetics with not a random man.

Ok so my dh is 5ft 8 and weighs around 10 stone. Our dd is 5 ft 9 and weighs around 11 stone. Both are healthy weights and shapes. But dd weighs more than dh. A grown man.

So yes it's entirely plausible this 13 year old is a healthy weight and weighs more than a grown man.

What's more concerning is the grown man shaming her about her weight. He needs to apologise and explain his issues around weight are his issues not hers and he shouldn't put those issues on her.

And as a household promote a healthy attitude towards food and exercise

@Lemsipper HARD disagree. Voice of experience. It needs addressing in an appropriate, direct but sensitive way. Skirting around the issue helps nobody.