To be upset with DP after they upset DD?

[Violah]

Sort of looking for advice on what to do but I think the damage will already be done.

DD13 was measuring her height and weight so that I could work out what size of clothing to order as she wanted a new coat.

She shouted her weight from another room so I could put it into the calculator. DP was astounded she weighed that much (more than him) to which I said before DD came through - do not make a big deal of this.

DD brought the scales through and weighed herself again and he pointed out to DD he weighed less than her.

DD left the room. I went to check on her and she was crying in bed. She pushed me away as I was tried to give her a cuddle. I tried to get across that she needn't worry about his stupid comment. But I know I've felt self-conscious all my life over weight so probably projecting those worries onto her.

I told DP off and I'm upset with him and on DDs behalf.

Any advice?

Some people are going on here about people being fatist but at the same time they seem to think it is OK to denigrate "small men" etc and suggest that they may have issues. One is as bad as the other. How do you even know that the father is "smaller than average?" Has OP said that ? Maybe I missed it. We do know though that the daughter weighs more than him. We don't know her size or weight as Op will not say so to me that speaks volumes. OP posted to ask about her partner commenting - perhaps as a father he is concerned but do agree that wasn't the time or the place.

OP said earlier up the thread he's only just taller than her and she's 5ft 7 and she describes him as slim and slight, so yes, he is smaller than average for a man.

Some people are going on here about people being fatist but at the same time they seem to think it is OK to denigrate "small men" etc and suggest that they may have issues

I think you missed the subtlety/ irony in the pp’s post. The point she was making is that (gendered) policing of body size is harmful and denigrating to all. OP’s partner may understand how wrong he was when he realises how it feels when the tables are turned on him,

When I was a kid of about 11 my dad was asking me and my older sister to give our weights for a flight we were doing. He made a comment about how heavy I was and how I was much heavier than my older (but tiny framed) sister. It has always stayed with me. I wasn't overweight then but was always heavier than I looked.

I’d stake my life on her being overweight. I’m fed up of fat apologists with warped views of what is healthy defending poor lifestyle choices. Adults can do what they like but it’s a parents responsibility to ensure their kids are as healthy as possible.

Where does the OP suggest the husband has issues with his height and weight?
The issues are clearly with the OP's husband being insensitive. With a dash of teenage sensitivity and the op's feelings relating to her childhood.

It's weird how many people are assuming the Dad is teeny tiny, rather than the dd being significantly overweight.

And I'd stake your life on her being a normal teenage girl who is going through puberty and has gained the average 20lbs that goes with it, which she'll lose naturally if she doesn't bow to society's idealisation that teen girls in puberty still need to be stick thin.

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/your-adolescent-daughter-doesnt-have-weight-problem-maryann/

There's no assumption though – OP herself said he's very slim and slight and isn't that much taller than her at 5ft 7. He might not be teeny tiny as you describe it, but he sounds a lot smaller in height and width than the average adult male.

I’d stake my life on her being overweight. I’m fed up of fat apologists with warped views of what is healthy defending poor lifestyle choices. Adults can do what they like but it’s a parents responsibility to ensure their kids are as healthy as possible.

This.
He might have gone about it in a gentler way, but of course a parent should be concerned about their child's health.
OP in terms of what you should do about it, then this has now opened the door to have that discussion. It is not healthy to carry excess weight, nothing to do with looks and everything to do with health. Your child's future health is greatly impacted by the choices you help her with while she is a child.

But OP said DP was "astonished" that she weighed more than him – if he feared she was overweight, why would he be surprised by the number* on the scale?

*Which is all it is, just a number. No indication of fitness or actual health.

You’d stake your life on it… why like? What the fuck is wrong with people on this thread. Absolute insanity on this thread! OP has not asked for advice on her daughter weight, OP has already stated that she does not think her daughter has a weight problem. Why the fuck are so many individuals obsessed with the child weight? It’s irrelevant to the post and advice that OP has asked for, what is wrong with these cretins?

Well said! Posters needling OP to share her daughter's weight is particularly sickening. They're just dying to be able to say she's fat. Grown women clamouring to denigrate a child for a number on a scale that won't be reflective of her health or fitness. Awful.

Yeah “staking your life on it” is not exactly a measured response. It suggests something powerful driving the agenda, esp as OP hadn’t asked for opinions on her DD’s weight and even the Dad seemed surprised she was heavy. The only hard stats we have are the dad’s- which do make him one of the smaller men of the men I know.

some of these comments are ridiculous, but any excuse to get a kicking in or go off on a tangent on MN

The dd's weight isn't the main issue - perhaps she is significantly overweight, or perhaps at 13 she's at her adult size, and a woman being slightly heavier than a man of similar height isn't that big of an issue - but either way, saying that to her in a way that is clearly designed to shame her AFTER being specifically told not to is completely cruel and unhelpful. It's not even if he said it unthinkingly - he said it, was told not to repeat it in front of the dd and then said it anyway - completely unnecessary.

If finding out the dd's weight shocked her father into considering her health the appropriate thing to do would have been to discuss it calmly with OP when dd wasn't around.

And that, folks, is the issue at hand.

I dont think she needs to lose weight though. She looks normal to me. She's always been larger framed than other girls her age and so was I growing up.

This is the bit that sticks out to me. If she’s muscular through sports (broad shouldered etc) then it is entirely possible she does weigh more than an adult man who is slender. I did at 13 and I went onto compete at the highest levels for my particular sport- and I was by no means ‘fat.’ You couldn’t be ‘fat’ in my sport.

Your DP needs to really apologise to her and if your DD is not fat, but just strong, he needs to make clear to her that is the case - because that IS something to be proud of. It’s on him to fix this, and not you.

But it may be worth monitoring her food anyway. You admit yourself that you have issues around weight and you might not be noticing if there are issues.

But either way your DP was a moron.

I'm not sure what you saw in my post that you thought 'denigrated' small men? At just over 5' 7" and 'slim build' which is in the OP, so maybe you did miss it, the OPs partner is objectively a small man compared to the UK average. That is a neutral statement of fact, and to see it as an insult is more reflective of the attitudes of the person who percieves it that way than the person making the comment. As for the possibility he has issues, well unfortunately the same stereotyping that shames women for being big, often leads men to have issues if they are small. Few men would be thrilled to be smaller than their teenage daughter I think. The OPs partner is making this a problem with her size, rather than his. Or, ideally, no ones.

The weight is relevant. How can it not be. That said, how your DP has reacted reflects badly on him as whether he was justified or not it shows he can't be mature, understanding and discreet.

He’s an idiot. My ex did the same for DS when he was 16, he said you weigh the same as your fat dad! DS did lose 2 stone then, under my guidance with working out his maintenance calories and how many a day he could eat. All done very sensibly, and to be honest he looks and feels a lot better for it. So for him, I think he’s glad his dad said that. Your DP owes your DD an apology, especially given you warned him. Idiot

How long have you been dating this man? The fact that you warned your partner and he still went on to degrade your daughter isn't on. He isn't even her father.

What is there to talk about? I'm not surprised your DD didn't want to engage. Even if she is chubby she's only 13 and ITS NOT YOUR PARTNERS PLACE!!.

Im sorry but he would be moving out if it was me OP.

Er, he is the girl's father. OP makes that clear in her posts.

I was heavier than my husband, back in the day when I had one, and I was by no means fat. Like the OP's daughter I am big-boned.

There is no such thing as "big-boned". If you are taller than someone else yes your bones will be bigger but only in proportion to your height. Old out of date excuse for being overweight.

Of course there is such a thing as big-boned. My wrist is way bigger than my dd's.

Also I was not overweight then. Why should I lie?