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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with DP after they upset DD?

320 replies

Violah · 28/12/2023 22:12

Sort of looking for advice on what to do but I think the damage will already be done.

DD13 was measuring her height and weight so that I could work out what size of clothing to order as she wanted a new coat.

She shouted her weight from another room so I could put it into the calculator. DP was astounded she weighed that much (more than him) to which I said before DD came through - do not make a big deal of this.

DD brought the scales through and weighed herself again and he pointed out to DD he weighed less than her.

DD left the room. I went to check on her and she was crying in bed. She pushed me away as I was tried to give her a cuddle. I tried to get across that she needn't worry about his stupid comment. But I know I've felt self-conscious all my life over weight so probably projecting those worries onto her.

I told DP off and I'm upset with him and on DDs behalf.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Whyohwhywyoming · 28/12/2023 22:54

Zara sizing is awful, they only go up to a size 14. And BMI doesn’t mean much - one of my dcs goes to acrobatic gymnastics and the teen girls there are very lean but very muscular, as a result many have higher than typical BMIs

Birdcar · 28/12/2023 22:55

What your partner said is not your biggest problem here.

StarlightLime · 28/12/2023 22:56

Whyohwhywyoming · 28/12/2023 22:54

Zara sizing is awful, they only go up to a size 14. And BMI doesn’t mean much - one of my dcs goes to acrobatic gymnastics and the teen girls there are very lean but very muscular, as a result many have higher than typical BMIs

They still won't be bigger than grown men.

Prawncow · 28/12/2023 22:56

A teenaged girl who is tall can weigh more than a skinny, short man and still be perfectly healthy.

Original poster
Violah · 28/12/2023 22:56

Because that's the thing - you'd never have known it. Both dd and dp look healthy in body shape to me!

Obsessing over actual weight was all I ever knew growing up and it was a misery. But looking back at photos I had nothing to worry about.

OP posts:
twistandfart · 28/12/2023 22:58

Whyohwhywyoming · 28/12/2023 22:54

Zara sizing is awful, they only go up to a size 14. And BMI doesn’t mean much - one of my dcs goes to acrobatic gymnastics and the teen girls there are very lean but very muscular, as a result many have higher than typical BMIs

BMI is helpful unless in extreme cases. It's not helpful to say it's inaccurate.
Regarding Zara only going up to s size 14, hopefully that should be fine for the OPs daughter. If she's bigger than a 14 at age 13 then she's very likely to be overweight (the OP has not suffered this is the case though)

Freshstarts24 · 28/12/2023 23:01

Her weight is relevant to the post though, Unless her Dad is really underweight for an adult man.

If she is overweight, pretending she isn’t is not helpful for her.

mumguilt999 · 28/12/2023 23:01

JFC these comments.

OP your daughter's weight is irrelevant. What's relevant is the fact that her idiot of a father thought it appropriate to shame her after you specifically told him not to.

My own husband is about 5"7 and weighs ten stone but has 34" waist. Our eldest kid is slightly taller, about a stone heavier, but has a 28" waist. People carry weight differently. The child's weight isn't the bloody issue, it's the father's disgusting gloating attitude.

I feel for you, OP. This kind of thing would really have messed me up as a kid so I really hope you can sort it asap.

AliceMcK · 28/12/2023 23:02

Ffs please don’t listen to all this shit on here op. My DNiece is 13 is “heavy” shes tall & broad, she’s still growing, is fit, healthy, sporty and looks bloody good.

Give your P a bloody good slap

Itsnamechange · 28/12/2023 23:02

Violah · 28/12/2023 22:56

Because that's the thing - you'd never have known it. Both dd and dp look healthy in body shape to me!

Obsessing over actual weight was all I ever knew growing up and it was a misery. But looking back at photos I had nothing to worry about.

She doesn't have to obsess over her weight op, you can make changes to her lifestyle without making it about weight or dieting.

I'm concerned you have good intentions by not wanting to give her a complex about her weight but in doing so are ignoring the fact that she's actually overweight. Your perception of her looking "fine" might not reflect the realities of her health.

scoutingfor · 28/12/2023 23:04

DD is DPs daughter.

That's unfortunate. What a cunt he is.

Ariela · 28/12/2023 23:05

@Willywanker1 I disagree, I'm not slim slim as in turn sideways I disappear, but weigh considerably more than anyone ever suspects - yet still fit a 14. Can't go smaller due to big boobs.

Frozensun · 28/12/2023 23:05

Gee, people can be crappy sometimes. A 13 yo is so self conscious anyway and this is the type of comment that sticks. If she has consistently been on the higher height and weight percentage, I’d suggest you search for the height & wright charts that go up to 19 yrs (WHO?). If it shows her height and weight are around the same percentage, I’d look to show her that she is tracking as she has always done since a baby. And maybe tell her she has a weedy father, which is his issue not hers!

roarrfeckingroar · 28/12/2023 23:05

Your adult male partner weighs more than your teenage daughter??!

The problem isn't his reaction.

DeeLusional · 28/12/2023 23:06

Violah · 28/12/2023 22:22

I dont think she needs to lose weight though. She looks normal to me. She's always been larger framed than other girls her age and so was I growing up.

DP is not small (slightly taller than me and I'm 5.7) as such, but more a slim frame.

I'm broad shouldered and DD takes after me.

Have you actually checked with medical sources that DD is actually in the normal weight range for her age and height? So many parents are in denial about their children being overweight, it's become so normalised that many just don't see it, not helped by the many overweight girls on tv programmes these days.

Fionaville · 28/12/2023 23:10

He's a dickhead for making a point of it and upsetting her.
Even if she does need to lose weight, there's ways of going about it, without giving her issues like this.

Prawncow · 28/12/2023 23:11

For adult women who are 5’8, the healthy weight range I’d around 9 stone to 11 stone. BMI is obviously different for children but it still means that it’s very possible to have a healthy 13 year old girl weigh more than a grown man.

Mulhollandmagoo · 28/12/2023 23:12

Unrelated, but if you're buying anything from Zara, I would try and get into a store and try it on, there sizing is terrible! My sister gets about 4 different sizes from there and they all fit! The size guides seem to be pretty pointless.

Grilly · 28/12/2023 23:12

Given she has both of your genes you’d expect her to be short or average height. I’m guessing you weigh a lot more than your partner? It’s very, very unusual to weigh more than your father at 13.

Weight shouldn’t be a secret or something to make anyone sob about. He’s stating a fact, not calling her a hideous fat pig.

Allfortheloveofabiscuit · 28/12/2023 23:12

The issue isnt with your dds body - you do not need to make lifestyle changes as others have suggested, you need to tell your dp to never EVER comment on her weight or body size again and keep doing what you're doing.

People here are assuming the teenage girl is overweight rather than considering that maybe your dp is underweight - it doesnt even enter their heads, which shows the depth of the problem in society.

Meemawdebs68 · 28/12/2023 23:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

StarlightLime · 28/12/2023 23:13

Prawncow · 28/12/2023 23:11

For adult women who are 5’8, the healthy weight range I’d around 9 stone to 11 stone. BMI is obviously different for children but it still means that it’s very possible to have a healthy 13 year old girl weigh more than a grown man.

A 13 year old girl is far from a grown woman...

steff13 · 28/12/2023 23:13

He shouldn't have said anything, or perhaps should have addressed it to you privately to discuss whether or something needed to be addressed with her.

Looking fine to you is not a sufficient measurement of whether she's a healthy weight.

scoutingfor · 28/12/2023 23:14

roarrfeckingroar · 28/12/2023 23:05

Your adult male partner weighs more than your teenage daughter??!

The problem isn't his reaction.

It's as big a problem as her weight, potentially bigger as this is the kind of shite comment towards young developing females then can catapult them into eating disorders.

Borth · 28/12/2023 23:14

OP, you are minimising your daughter’s weight. Your DP was insensitive but he clearly has a point. Don’t let your issues with weight affect your daughter.

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