To be upset with DP after they upset DD?

[Violah]

Sort of looking for advice on what to do but I think the damage will already be done.

DD13 was measuring her height and weight so that I could work out what size of clothing to order as she wanted a new coat.

She shouted her weight from another room so I could put it into the calculator. DP was astounded she weighed that much (more than him) to which I said before DD came through - do not make a big deal of this.

DD brought the scales through and weighed herself again and he pointed out to DD he weighed less than her.

DD left the room. I went to check on her and she was crying in bed. She pushed me away as I was tried to give her a cuddle. I tried to get across that she needn't worry about his stupid comment. But I know I've felt self-conscious all my life over weight so probably projecting those worries onto her.

I told DP off and I'm upset with him and on DDs behalf.

Any advice?

“She will be overweight”
An untrue statement

No judgement but it sounds like you’re in denial and the best thing you can do to help is acknowledge it. If you are worried about your daughter’s self esteem, it’s not this one comment that will damage it, it’s how you change things going forward.

Even if she were overweight, he was out of order to be so tactless, especially after having been warned not to be.

God yeah let's not let the man who made the comment take any responsibility here. OP it is down to you to sort or it will be all your fault

Untrue how?

A 13 year old weighing 10/11 stone is overweight, obese even.

She wasn’t. She was upset he made a comment about her weight in a tone that implies she is too heavy. Upsetting regardless of whether it’s true or not. She is also a teenage girl- they are extremely sensitive to anything about their weight. Even when they are normal weight or slim. It is a ridiculously sensitive issue at that age.

What an absolute fucking idiot he is!

The amount of people on here defending the comment is actually sickening.

Ignore the people saying a girl shouldn’t weigh more than a man! Please!
when I was at my lowest weight I remember a male friend who was taller than me was shocked I weighed more than him and it really affected me! I was so embarrassed! But I always had huge boobs and also I am not petite. I wore a size 8 skirt but my hands are really big so I know my frame is larger than an average female frame and there is nothing I can do about that!!!
I was also at my lowest weight because I was out every weekend taking drugs, not eating and dancing all night! So not healthy!
I really hope your daughter is ok!

OP I would try giving some reassurance to your little girl by confirming all the things that make her a beautiful human without focusing on her physical appearance (which may be absolutely beautiful but not the point), there’s lots of info out there from child psychologists. It’s a bit of a minefield as we are hard wired to tell little girls their worth in relation to how they look, their size, ability they have. .

It wasn't done well but he has a point.

My ex step daughter was obese. There was a fair amount of talk around healthy eating and exercise but she continued to get bigger. I had no say in what was happening. One day folding her clothes (she was not home) I put her trousers on to make a point to ex- they were big on me she was about 9ish I think. I really upset my ex and I accept it was unkind way of doing it but he couldn't believe she was that big he was just blind to it. You say she fits her clothes but if they are bigger size clothes she would fit? Denial will hurt her as much as the comment. I wonder if he's getting desperate has he raised her weight before with you?

But absolutely he should not have said that in front of her.

Not true. It’s height and frame dependent- not age. She could be tall at 13, say 5 10 for example and bmi would be 20- bottom end of healthy range. Stop trying to body shame teenage girls and stick to the point of the thread.

It is untrue statement because your statement says “will”, which means fact that the child is overweight, what are you struggling with? You don’t know, you can’t be sure so your statement is untrue. It’s pretty straight forward.

What a horrible man.

Well said!

Sorry mum 🙄

If he’s got under her skin with the comment, I think all you can do is get her talk about what he’s said, what it meant to her and why she feels that way. To articulate all the prejudice and value judgement that goes with the words so she can decide to reject it (or not).

An apology from him might stop her feeling rejected by him (it might not, and it might not be necessary) but it won’t make any difference to the way she will feel about her size because that isn’t simply about her father noticing or not. It’s about her knowing it already, feeling self conscious about it already and having anyone say it out loud in one fashion or another will have popped any little bubble of hope she had that it wasn’t noticeable.

Although you feel she looks fine, if she’s reacted this way to a comment like that from her dad - she already did not to some extent (which isn’t surprising because the majority of teen girls are self conscious and self critical about their size and looks). So you need to talk to her about the way society makes women feel about their bodies regardless of how they really are. Talk to her about looking at the science if she actually wants to judge whether she’s a sensible weight or not, not rely on the judgement of others, wether they are random people on the street, influencers on tiktok, or close friends and family. Talk to her about how society will judge her regardless of what she’s actually like and how to hold fast to a sense of self that doesn’t depend on always being appreciated by others. (None of which means I’m suggesting that fitting in won’t be important for her, just that she needs to understand the mechanics of how social judgement works so she can be more resilient about it and not internalize it).

He shouldn't have said anything to her particularly as you had warned him not to. If he is genuinely concerned he could raise it with you privately

You say she is not over weight - I would say to her - try not to be upset by your dad's crass, insensitive remarks. Weight isn't the only thing to consider there is also height/ gender/ blah blah. I was really effected by x discussing my weight as a young person and I don't want that for you. What are you thinking about what he said. Open a dialogue between you and see what she says - if she says I felt fine before he said anything you can re assure her she is fine. If she says I was a bit bothered and wanted to lose some but he has now made me feel worse - you can re assure her and discuss how as a family you might make healthier choices ( assuming you want to)

Child bmi is different to adult.

Being overweight as a child massively increases the risk of being overweight as an adult.

You’re welcome

Bullshit!
i haven’t grown in height since I was 13 - I’m 5ft 8. I weighed 10 stone and wore size 10-12 clothes as a teenager. Definitely wasn’t overweight.
a small man could easily weigh less than that.

It's a misconception that men always weigh more than women. Actually, for the average healthy sized man and healthy sized woman there often won't be a huge difference.

When you consider the proportion of men who are overweight, or who build muscle and increase the weight, you begin to see why we continue to have a skewed perception.

Likewise its a misconception that women must be slimmer than men - look at Beyonce and David Tennant - it really wouldn't surprise me if she weighed more than he does and is she in any way fat? No. She is stunning.

Your partner was an idiot and I cannot believe he is genuinely so thoroughly stupid & arrogant to not know the harm his words would do.

Good for you for not pandering to the posters who seem to believe your daughter must be obese (hopefully they'll achieve some enlightenment in 2024). As to your partner...In your shoes I think his attitude (not simply his ridiculous shock but his arrogance in making a thing of it when you warned him not to) would have me very seriously questioning my future with him.

Still struggling I see? You don’t have any information on the child’s BMI this is irrelevant.

@PurpleBugz arsehole

DP was totally wrong but reading between the lines here, is it possible he's frustrated by the massive amounts of denial going on about your daughter's weight?

I know builds vary but I don't believe a 13 year old, even with 'broad shoulders', would weigh more than a 5'8 (at least) man and not be overweight.

That isn't licence to be cruel or behave intensively, but come on, OP, you need to help her with this.

Actually no, very very few men in the UK will weigh less than 10 stone. And even fewer with a height more than 5'7"