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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with DP after they upset DD?

320 replies

Violah · 28/12/2023 22:12

Sort of looking for advice on what to do but I think the damage will already be done.

DD13 was measuring her height and weight so that I could work out what size of clothing to order as she wanted a new coat.

She shouted her weight from another room so I could put it into the calculator. DP was astounded she weighed that much (more than him) to which I said before DD came through - do not make a big deal of this.

DD brought the scales through and weighed herself again and he pointed out to DD he weighed less than her.

DD left the room. I went to check on her and she was crying in bed. She pushed me away as I was tried to give her a cuddle. I tried to get across that she needn't worry about his stupid comment. But I know I've felt self-conscious all my life over weight so probably projecting those worries onto her.

I told DP off and I'm upset with him and on DDs behalf.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Tawlk · 28/12/2023 23:31

Autumnleaves89 · 28/12/2023 23:29

@Lemsipper HARD disagree. Voice of experience. It needs addressing in an appropriate, direct but sensitive way. Skirting around the issue helps nobody.

Horseshit

Tawlk · 28/12/2023 23:32

Autumnleaves89 · 28/12/2023 23:29

@Lemsipper HARD disagree. Voice of experience. It needs addressing in an appropriate, direct but sensitive way. Skirting around the issue helps nobody.

OP has already confirmed her daughter does not have a weight issue! What needs addressing?

trippily · 28/12/2023 23:32

What a twat he is. Do you think he was trying to make a point or is he just dumb as a post.

PaperDoIIs · 28/12/2023 23:35

@Tawlk wrong, OP doesn't THINK her DD has a weight issue. That could be true , but there are also plenty of parents (I know several)who think that when it simply isn't true. Denial doesn't help anyone, especially not the child.

Autumnleaves89 · 28/12/2023 23:37

PaperDoIIs · 28/12/2023 23:35

@Tawlk wrong, OP doesn't THINK her DD has a weight issue. That could be true , but there are also plenty of parents (I know several)who think that when it simply isn't true. Denial doesn't help anyone, especially not the child.

Absolutely.
So many people projecting their own issues here.

RicherThanYews · 28/12/2023 23:37

Just a heads up Op that the language you use now with your child can impact her physically and psychologically for the rest of her life so tread carefully. IF and only IF she is truly an unhealthy weight, it is better to focus on a joint goal of eating healthily together and educating yourselves on sensible choices rather than letting your arsehole teeny tiny DP make her feel like crap.

WinterDeWinter · 28/12/2023 23:38

Tell him that she naturally weighs more than he because he's unusually titchy for a man. More like a woman really.

See how he likes them apples.

Tawlk · 28/12/2023 23:38

PaperDoIIs · 28/12/2023 23:35

@Tawlk wrong, OP doesn't THINK her DD has a weight issue. That could be true , but there are also plenty of parents (I know several)who think that when it simply isn't true. Denial doesn't help anyone, especially not the child.

Well this is proper moronic…😂😂

Tawlk · 28/12/2023 23:40

Autumnleaves89 · 28/12/2023 23:37

Absolutely.
So many people projecting their own issues here.

Show quote history

So many people projecting their own issues here, like yourself completely making up fantasy’s about the OP and her daughter. How strange?

Didimum · 28/12/2023 23:41

PaperDoIIs · 28/12/2023 23:35

@Tawlk wrong, OP doesn't THINK her DD has a weight issue. That could be true , but there are also plenty of parents (I know several)who think that when it simply isn't true. Denial doesn't help anyone, especially not the child.

Overweight, underweight or healthy weight, the point of the thread is not about her daughter’s weight, so what has this got to do with anything?

AngryPrincess · 28/12/2023 23:43

What a horrid man!
He was rude to her and to you. (You specifically asked him not to do something and he did it)

He is commenting on her body. Her weight is the weight of her body.
He seems deeply unpleasant. Sorry she had to hear that.

Tawlk · 28/12/2023 23:43

Didimum · 28/12/2023 23:41

Overweight, underweight or healthy weight, the point of the thread is not about her daughter’s weight, so what has this got to do with anything?

Show quote history

Agreed, where in the post did OP ask for advice on her daughter’s weight? It’s baffling.

Original poster
Violah · 28/12/2023 23:46

I'm asking how do I help her if damage has been done tonight?
As many have said, how you talk to teens at this stage in life can stick with them.

I'm feeling triggered and acknowledging the fact I'm projecting my own trauma of what went through onto her. But having said that she was upset with her dad's comment when I checked on her.

Helpful words required to help me help her. Trying to think what I would have needed to hear at her age so that I didn't spend my teens 20s and 30s feeling inadequate and a fat ugly pig.

OP posts:
Chevybaby · 28/12/2023 23:46

BornIn78 · 28/12/2023 22:49

Men that are short (which OPs dp is) and skinny are very often lighter than women

Shes not a woman though, she’s a 13 year old girl.

👋 5ft 11 and broad framed woman here, been this size since 12. lot of women i know did all their (vertical) growing before getting to high school

Didimum · 28/12/2023 23:52

Violah · 28/12/2023 23:46

I'm asking how do I help her if damage has been done tonight?
As many have said, how you talk to teens at this stage in life can stick with them.

I'm feeling triggered and acknowledging the fact I'm projecting my own trauma of what went through onto her. But having said that she was upset with her dad's comment when I checked on her.

Helpful words required to help me help her. Trying to think what I would have needed to hear at her age so that I didn't spend my teens 20s and 30s feeling inadequate and a fat ugly pig.

Honestly OP, I’d probably tell her that clearly your DP has his own issues surrounding weight (be that his own, other’s or both) and communication but that it has zero to do with her. Then I would make him apologise and specifically tell her he is uneducated in the spectrum of healthy weight and in how to express himself.

Tacotortoise · 28/12/2023 23:55

Tawlk · 28/12/2023 23:32

OP has already confirmed her daughter does not have a weight issue! What needs addressing?

Show quote history

Then why was she upset at weighing more than her dad?

Illbebythesea · 28/12/2023 23:55

I can remember every shitty comment my step dad made about my weight as a teenager, but what I remember more is my mothers general lax attitude to it and her shrugs of ‘well his just telling the truth.’ You should have called your husband out right there and then in front of her, but you didn’t. She won’t forget.

PaperDoIIs · 28/12/2023 23:57

Violah · 28/12/2023 23:46

I'm asking how do I help her if damage has been done tonight?
As many have said, how you talk to teens at this stage in life can stick with them.

I'm feeling triggered and acknowledging the fact I'm projecting my own trauma of what went through onto her. But having said that she was upset with her dad's comment when I checked on her.

Helpful words required to help me help her. Trying to think what I would have needed to hear at her age so that I didn't spend my teens 20s and 30s feeling inadequate and a fat ugly pig.

One comment won't cause long lasting damage. It just won't. If it's not just the one comment then you need to talk to him and come to an understanding. If her weight is actually fine,he needs to shut up. If it isn't if he must approach it he needs to do that in a sensitive way or leave it to you.

As for what to tell her , it all very much depends on what she thinks about herself , how she feels about herself and what she wants. This is what you need to find out and focus on and then go from there. Focus on health and fitness. It's just as bad telling her she's fine if she doesn't feel she is as telling her she isn't if she feels she is .It's natural this has upset her, just like any other stupid comment would, especially with a negative comparison.

Tawlk · 28/12/2023 23:57

Tacotortoise · 28/12/2023 23:55

Then why was she upset at weighing more than her dad?

Show quote history

She is upset at her dad commenting that she weights more than him end of.. nowhere has the OP stated that her daughter is overweight.

user1492757084 · 28/12/2023 23:58

He needs to apologise and resolve in his head to never comment on another person's weight again - unless he is their paid Dietition.
You, however, should use seeing the shame your daughter has about her weight as an opportunity to get fitter and eat healthier with her. The size is not the most important but being healthy is.
You choose to take a walk with her every evening.
You choose to not buy sweet snacks or fast food and choose to cook more from scratch with your daughter.
Don't buy fizzy sweet drinks but embrace iced water.
Make or invent a new salad every few days.
Swap out sausages for an egg, eat one chop not two and double the vegetable portion on your plates..
Eat some almonds not a packet of Jelly beans etc

Ophy83 · 28/12/2023 23:59

He needs to fix it. He needs to tell her that she's beautiful and lovely and believe it.

SemperIdem · 29/12/2023 00:00

Tawlk · 28/12/2023 23:57

She is upset at her dad commenting that she weights more than him end of.. nowhere has the OP stated that her daughter is overweight.

Edited
Show quote history

She weighs more than an adult man at 13, she will be overweight.

slore · 29/12/2023 00:01

Violah · 28/12/2023 22:48

I'm not sharing her height and weight because she fits into her clothes so what would be the point. She is absolutely fine.

She was always consistently high on the percentiles from birth and never followed the average.

Clothing wise she mostly wears oversized hoodies and Nike Pro leggings. But she's asked for something more grown up this time - It's a cropped Faux leather coat from zara. I've no clue what the sizing is like and when I saw that calculator to work out what size you require I thought I'd give it a go. Wish I bloody didn't now.

DD is DPs daughter.

It's blatant from your refusal to state your daughter's size and from your euphemistic description of her as "broad shouldered" etc, that your child is at least in the overweight category and probably obese, and that this has been a lifelong problem.

You think she looks normal because 70% of the population are overweight. It is quite literally the norm now and it has distorted people's perceptions of what healthy looks like.

Desensitization to her size doesn't mean she actually is healthy. Also she wouldn't be so upset about her size if she wasn't actually overweight.

Try raising her self-esteem by focusing on everything not weight related so that she develops her identity and confidence on things outside of her health and appearance.

In the mean time, the whole family should subtly eat healthier, you can do things like increase your vegetable intake to 7 a day, swap meat for beans, and either drink herbal teas or use a plant based milk in tea and coffee (milky drinks increase the daily calorie intake). If you focus on adding foods in rather than cutting foods out it doesn't feel restrictive and is actually enjoyable.

Don't single your daughter out with this health kick or she will see herself as a problem, but if she's overweight she needs to change her lifestyle now before she does damage to her health later in adulthood.

In terms of her dad, he should just say something like "I'm sorry for being rude. I should know by my age to not talk about people's weight!" and leave it at that. If he says too much he'll upset her more. This apology puts the full responsibility of his rudeness on himself, without making excuses or drawing attention to her being upset.

Howbizarre22 · 29/12/2023 00:02

Violah · 28/12/2023 23:46

I'm asking how do I help her if damage has been done tonight?
As many have said, how you talk to teens at this stage in life can stick with them.

I'm feeling triggered and acknowledging the fact I'm projecting my own trauma of what went through onto her. But having said that she was upset with her dad's comment when I checked on her.

Helpful words required to help me help her. Trying to think what I would have needed to hear at her age so that I didn't spend my teens 20s and 30s feeling inadequate and a fat ugly pig.

You’re a growing girl….your dad is a small short man….you look great- it’s about shape & proportion not weight especially at this age where your body is rapidly changing….we women distribute weight differently to men…your dad doesn’t understand this…..you’re a gorgeous girl and you’ll look fab in the coat……your dad is thick …or..he’s joking/winding you up….he was being touchy/sensitive about his small size as a man…..ignore him….

positive reinforcement on how she looks and how great she is. Get him to apologise and explain he was winding her up but now realises he was stupid- he forgot how unfunny these types of jokes are. Him to tell her how great she looks.

Tacotortoise · 29/12/2023 00:03

Tawlk · 28/12/2023 23:57

She is upset at her dad commenting that she weights more than him end of.. nowhere has the OP stated that her daughter is overweight.

Edited
Show quote history

"End of" makes no sense. If her dad is tiny and super light, and she is tall and a healthy weight then why would she care?

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