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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with DP after they upset DD?

320 replies

Violah · 28/12/2023 22:12

Sort of looking for advice on what to do but I think the damage will already be done.

DD13 was measuring her height and weight so that I could work out what size of clothing to order as she wanted a new coat.

She shouted her weight from another room so I could put it into the calculator. DP was astounded she weighed that much (more than him) to which I said before DD came through - do not make a big deal of this.

DD brought the scales through and weighed herself again and he pointed out to DD he weighed less than her.

DD left the room. I went to check on her and she was crying in bed. She pushed me away as I was tried to give her a cuddle. I tried to get across that she needn't worry about his stupid comment. But I know I've felt self-conscious all my life over weight so probably projecting those worries onto her.

I told DP off and I'm upset with him and on DDs behalf.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Didimum · 28/12/2023 22:30

Anothernewname123 · 28/12/2023 22:29

OP, you haven't said how much she weighs and how tall she is. Are you trying to make yourself feel better by not facing up to this?

Your partner might have been thoughtless and unkind but pretending everything is ok could be more harmful than his harsh words.

Why does she need to? It’s irrelevant to the issue she is posting about.

namechange1986 · 28/12/2023 22:31

Totally not appropriate and very thoughtless. It does sound like she's poss overweight. What size was the coat?

LifeExperience · 28/12/2023 22:31

DP needs to keep his comments to himself. She is not his child so he doesn't get an opinion, and if he won't stop, that is grounds for ending the relationship.

XiCi · 28/12/2023 22:34

Don't post how much your dd weighs OP it's not relevant. Men that are short (which OPs dp is) and skinny are very often lighter than women.
It's absolutely disgusting that he commented on her weight when you asked him not to and heartbreaking that she was in bed crying. What a horrible man.

WetBandits · 28/12/2023 22:34

Is he her Dad, OP? Most posters have assumed that he isn’t, but there’s nothing in your post that says he isn’t?

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/12/2023 22:37

Is he often a malicious prick? Surely this can’t be out of the blue - for him to act in such a nasty way?

Regardless of her weight/whether or not she needs to lose some, he should not have made that comment.

ireallycantthinkofaname · 28/12/2023 22:37

I'm more confused why you needed her weight for an item of clothing..... but if you have it now anyway you can just put it into a BMI calculator and if it suggests there might be an issue take it to your GP for more advice

Obviously no one except a medical professional should be saying anything about someone's weight

ExTheCheater · 28/12/2023 22:41

If she weighs more than a fully grown man at 13 I assume she is actually overweight?

Autumnleaves89 · 28/12/2023 22:42

Is she overweight as per her BMI? If she is that’s an issue you need to address (sensitively of course). You sound in denial and that won’t help your daughter.
Discuss with your husband how you can address it sensitively in a way that’s helpful to your daughter. I think your husband has been thoughtless rather than malicious.

Didimum · 28/12/2023 22:45

Autumnleaves89 · 28/12/2023 22:42

Is she overweight as per her BMI? If she is that’s an issue you need to address (sensitively of course). You sound in denial and that won’t help your daughter.
Discuss with your husband how you can address it sensitively in a way that’s helpful to your daughter. I think your husband has been thoughtless rather than malicious.

Unfortunately ‘thoughtless’ and ‘malicious’ won’t be differentiated in the mind of a 13yr old.

Lemsipper · 28/12/2023 22:45

What a stupid man, this is how eating disorders start.

What was he hoping to gain by this comment? Id be furious with him and probably see if I could convince DD he was only joking and of course he weighs much more than her.

Autumnleaves89 · 28/12/2023 22:45

Didimum · 28/12/2023 22:45

Unfortunately ‘thoughtless’ and ‘malicious’ won’t be differentiated in the mind of a 13yr old.

Show quote history

No probably not unfortunately

Didimum · 28/12/2023 22:45

ExTheCheater · 28/12/2023 22:41

If she weighs more than a fully grown man at 13 I assume she is actually overweight?

Relevance to the issue?

whynotwhatknot · 28/12/2023 22:46

even if she is overweight thats not the way to point it out

5ft 7 isnt tall though

Lemsipper · 28/12/2023 22:47

Autumnleaves89 · 28/12/2023 22:42

Is she overweight as per her BMI? If she is that’s an issue you need to address (sensitively of course). You sound in denial and that won’t help your daughter.
Discuss with your husband how you can address it sensitively in a way that’s helpful to your daughter. I think your husband has been thoughtless rather than malicious.

FOR GOD SAKE.

You don’t need to “address” it with her. Stop creating issues for her self esteem.

Just incorporate more family activities that involve exercise, get into a sporty hobby and make healthier family meals which have less calories without mentioning it.

Willywanker1 · 28/12/2023 22:47

Violah · 28/12/2023 22:22

I dont think she needs to lose weight though. She looks normal to me. She's always been larger framed than other girls her age and so was I growing up.

DP is not small (slightly taller than me and I'm 5.7) as such, but more a slim frame.

I'm broad shouldered and DD takes after me.

Large frame is a bit of a myth. We vary in height but there's no such thing as big boned. Not enough to make up for big differences in weight. My shoulders used to be big when I was over weight...
I hope your daughter is ok but I wish someone had talked to me about my awful weight at 13 rather than let me battle it alone for the next 25 years.

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 28/12/2023 22:47

Context is key here, how much does your DP/DD actually weigh? Because if her BMI is normal, then YANBU, however if it's overweight/obese then you're absolutely focusing on the wrong issue here and YABU.

Original poster
Violah · 28/12/2023 22:48

I'm not sharing her height and weight because she fits into her clothes so what would be the point. She is absolutely fine.

She was always consistently high on the percentiles from birth and never followed the average.

Clothing wise she mostly wears oversized hoodies and Nike Pro leggings. But she's asked for something more grown up this time - It's a cropped Faux leather coat from zara. I've no clue what the sizing is like and when I saw that calculator to work out what size you require I thought I'd give it a go. Wish I bloody didn't now.

DD is DPs daughter.

OP posts:
MistletoeandJd · 28/12/2023 22:48

How much does your oh weigh ?

BornIn78 · 28/12/2023 22:49

Men that are short (which OPs dp is) and skinny are very often lighter than women

Shes not a woman though, she’s a 13 year old girl.

MistletoeandJd · 28/12/2023 22:50

Sorry cross posted but if he's slightly smaller then you ( 5ft7 ) and she's taller then her age weight can become very very complex. If he's on the much lighter side and she's carrying extra height it may be perfectly reasonable for her to weigh more. Some adult men I know weigh 9 stone 🤷‍♀️ and some girls hit puberty earlier.

StarlightLime · 28/12/2023 22:52

Violah · 28/12/2023 22:48

I'm not sharing her height and weight because she fits into her clothes so what would be the point. She is absolutely fine.

She was always consistently high on the percentiles from birth and never followed the average.

Clothing wise she mostly wears oversized hoodies and Nike Pro leggings. But she's asked for something more grown up this time - It's a cropped Faux leather coat from zara. I've no clue what the sizing is like and when I saw that calculator to work out what size you require I thought I'd give it a go. Wish I bloody didn't now.

DD is DPs daughter.

I'm not sharing her height and weight because she fits into her clothes so what would be the point. She is absolutely fine.
It kind of depends on what size the clothes are, really?

Prawncow · 28/12/2023 22:52

It makes no difference what the girl weighs. The issue is that she wasn’t self conscious about her weight, the OP’s partner decided to make a point of telling her she weighs more than him despite being asked not to and the girl ended up in tears.

This is the kind of thing that sticks with you into adulthood. What the fuck was your DP thinking?

twistandfart · 28/12/2023 22:53

No her dad shouldn't have commented and he needs to apologise.

Alongside this, if your 13yo DD weighs more than her dad then. She's likely to be overweight and that should be addressed, sensitively and appropriately of course.

StarlightLime · 28/12/2023 22:54

Prawncow · 28/12/2023 22:52

It makes no difference what the girl weighs. The issue is that she wasn’t self conscious about her weight, the OP’s partner decided to make a point of telling her she weighs more than him despite being asked not to and the girl ended up in tears.

This is the kind of thing that sticks with you into adulthood. What the fuck was your DP thinking?

How could you fail to notice that you're bigger than your father at 13?

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