To find SIL's comments on kids offensive?

[hmln]

SIL is in her mid 30s, childless and partner-less. She used to really want children but I think she's now given up on the idea.

I'm married to her brother, DH. We have DS 2 and DD 7mo. She constantly makes subtle digs at my kids and I previously thought it was just a phase, it would go away but it just hasn't and now that they understand more I feel like I need to say something. But what can I say? Each thing individually is minor but all taken together there's a theme. If I say anything to her directly she says she's joking or didn't quite mean it like that. But it adds up!

A few examples from the last few months:

1. DS is refusing to go to bed because he's excited at having arrived at his DGPs' house. I finally get him into bed after a 2hr battle. SIL "phew that looked hard, glad I'm not wasting hours of my evening like that on the regular hahahahah"
2. Whilst I was breastfeeding my DD I had to watch DS squeeze out a tube of toothpaste onto the floor and smear it. No one else was around to stop him and he wasn't listening to my "please stop" "please give me the toothpaste". SIL comes in and says "perks of being a mum eh"
3. DD kept us up for a night and we mentioned it in front of ILs because FIL literally asked how we slept. SIL "I think I value my sleep too much to have kids"
4. DH and I took turns entertaining the kids during the meal, MIL and FIL helped out a little too. SIL "feel so bad for parents, it effectively means you don't get to eat in peace for years on end!"
5. DS ran to cuddle and kiss DH with his face and hands covered in yogurt as DH came downstairs. Of course DH had to go change immediately, 5 minutes after he originally got dressed in the morning. SIL "eugh the joys of being loved by a toddler hahahah"
6. After DD fed some reflux came out. SIL "yuck, don't think I could bring myself to clean up anyone else's sick. Makes me vomit just watching this. You're so brave!"

Well, all those things are true, looks like she's focussing on the benefits of not having dc. I don't really see the problem. She's not criticising your dc, she's just saying parenting is bloody hard (and it is).

That to me sounds like she is trying to convince herself she isn’t upset she hasn’t got children

Why do you feel offended? She's not criticising you, your life or your kids. She's expressing her opinion on not wanting to be a parent herself.

I'd make a comment right back next time.

"Are you OK SIL? You often make comments about how our kids are proving to you that you don't want kids. You do know you don't need to prove anything to us don't you?"

Or the old classic "did you mean to be so rude?"

I don't see the issue. Most of her comments are accurate, I don't see what's offensive about them.

Which is how the OP has helpfully spun the story for you.

I think she's projecting the fact she hasn't had any kids but wanted them by trying to convince herself she doesn't want them tbh

Believe it or not OP some people do not want children. It's fine. You just crack on.

Well I'd say putting my child to bed isn't wasting my evening and if my child runs to hug me (or DH) I'd say that's the biggest privilege in my life! Whether he's covered in yogurt or not.
And I don't want him to hear, after he's hugged me (or DH) that this is annoying. It's not.

She sounds jealous and sad. You have something she'd like and she's trying to convince herself she is better off as she is. I'd just ignore it.

I couldn't get upset about any of that.

They aren't criticisms of your children.

I can't see anything offensive. All her comments are on the lines of it's difficult to be a mother, so if you liked her more or she were one of your family rather than an inlaw you could perceive her comments as being supportive.

You're not wrong but the people I know who don't want children don't constantly make comments like that.

So if I start saying things like "wow it must get so lonely for you not having kids or a husband" or "must be hard realising there's no one in the world thinking you're their mummy, their whole world, their most important person" that would be non offensive too, right?

Except in our case it concerns two little people who could potentially overhear that they're perceived as "annoying"

It’s very hard to be a childless woman at that age in terms of societal expectations and the bullshit people subject you to.

I’d absolutely give her a pass on these comments. I chuckle along with relatives without children and chime in with my own ‘you went to a restaurant? what’s that then?’

Going childless is the harder path to take - though absolutely, fantastically worth it for so many - so for that I’d be kind.

I agree with Sirzy. It is very hard to want to have children and not being able to have them. I thinks she is just trying to convince herself that it is better to be childless because the alternative hurts even more.

You have 2 options here:

1. Listen to what she says and ignore it.
2. Sympathise with her about how hard must be not to have children when she wanted them and involve her in your children's life.

I am sure that given the choice she would love to enjoy the kids.

I have children and don't see anything she said as offensive, I'd agree with her most of the time.

It sounds like deep down she wanted children and so she’s trying to convince herself that a childfree life has its advantages. I’m single and childless and much as I love my DNs I admit it is hard watching my siblings have kids and coming to terms with the fact it isn’t likely to happen for me. Obviously that’s not necessarilly an excuse for making rude/ negative comments but it is difficult when life doesn’t work out the way you thought it would and tbh most of the comments you’ve mentioned seem pretty innocuous and aren’t really untrue or unreasonable.

She's not wrong! Yes very possibly she's trying to convince herself.

Your approach to trying to get DS to stop squeezing the toothpaste sounds...ineffective. Did you ask her to take the toothpaste from him?

Yabu. Nothing to get upset about. I also agree with above poster that she is trying to convince herself she's better without children when she possibly feels the complete opposite deep inside.

Making.a mountain out of a mole hill.

I don't feel those comments are personal about your specific kids, so I'd just let it go.

It comes across as either she's rather tactlessly expressing genuine gratitude at avoiding the mess and chaos, or she's covering up her disappointment.

Either way, least said soonest mended.

If she makes any mean comments about your specific child, that'd be different.

None of these are 'digs' at your kids.

if my child runs to hug me (or DH) I'd say that's the biggest privilege in my life!

Do you talk like this in front of SIL, OP?

Because if you are these are digs about her being childless.

I would love to hear SIL’s side because I get the feeling you’re not giving us the full picture.

From your examples, I think you're taking it far too personally. She is largely talking about parenting as a whole, not parenting your specific children.

She's acknowledging just how difficult it can be which is accurate.

I don’t think any of those comments are offensive personally. None of them are aimed at you or your children. She’s just commenting on the differences between those with children and those without. As others have said maybe she’s trying to detach herself from the feelings that she may never have kids.