To find SIL's comments on kids offensive?

[hmln]

SIL is in her mid 30s, childless and partner-less. She used to really want children but I think she's now given up on the idea.

I'm married to her brother, DH. We have DS 2 and DD 7mo. She constantly makes subtle digs at my kids and I previously thought it was just a phase, it would go away but it just hasn't and now that they understand more I feel like I need to say something. But what can I say? Each thing individually is minor but all taken together there's a theme. If I say anything to her directly she says she's joking or didn't quite mean it like that. But it adds up!

A few examples from the last few months:

1. DS is refusing to go to bed because he's excited at having arrived at his DGPs' house. I finally get him into bed after a 2hr battle. SIL "phew that looked hard, glad I'm not wasting hours of my evening like that on the regular hahahahah"
2. Whilst I was breastfeeding my DD I had to watch DS squeeze out a tube of toothpaste onto the floor and smear it. No one else was around to stop him and he wasn't listening to my "please stop" "please give me the toothpaste". SIL comes in and says "perks of being a mum eh"
3. DD kept us up for a night and we mentioned it in front of ILs because FIL literally asked how we slept. SIL "I think I value my sleep too much to have kids"
4. DH and I took turns entertaining the kids during the meal, MIL and FIL helped out a little too. SIL "feel so bad for parents, it effectively means you don't get to eat in peace for years on end!"
5. DS ran to cuddle and kiss DH with his face and hands covered in yogurt as DH came downstairs. Of course DH had to go change immediately, 5 minutes after he originally got dressed in the morning. SIL "eugh the joys of being loved by a toddler hahahah"
6. After DD fed some reflux came out. SIL "yuck, don't think I could bring myself to clean up anyone else's sick. Makes me vomit just watching this. You're so brave!"

I'm not sure it's that clear, especially as we only have OP's side of the story. Maybe she truly doesn't want children and it's meant in a light hearted manner.

I'm a 'normal' Aunt and I certainly wouldn't be running back and forth helping with bedtime for 2 hours as an example.

I'm a parent and like I said, just don't see the issue at all.

I'd cut her some slack. Yes, her comments must be annoying but people who have generally really wanted children don't usually stop wanting them. She probably finds it very hard to see her brother settled with a family of his own. Her comments are all about parenting in general, and how tough it looks.

You're in the trenches and she's up there commenting on how muddy and miserable you must be. I get it, she's being rude.

I think you just need to tell her these comments are upsetting you. And that your dc are human beings, not inconveniences.

Just be honest, and be open to listening to her. See what happens.

DS is refusing to go to bed because he's excited at having arrived at his DGPs' house. I finally get him into bed after a 2hr battle. SIL "phew that looked hard, glad I'm not wasting hours of my evening like that on the regular hahahahah" well she's right. Hours spent fighting a tired child to sleep does feel like a waste of bloody time. We do it because we have to but no one opts for a child who takes hours to go down. The highlight of your life isn't an overtired toddler.

Whilst I was breastfeeding my DD I had to watch DS squeeze out a tube of toothpaste onto the floor and smear it. No one else was around to stop him and he wasn't listening to my "please stop" "please give me the toothpaste". SIL comes in and says "perks of being a mum eh"
True. She's hardly going to come in and commend him on his art work or his good behaviour. He was naughty, he didn't do as he was told and you ended up with a mess to clean up.

DD kept us up for a night and we mentioned it in front of ILs because FIL literally asked how we slept. SIL "I think I value my sleep too much to have kids"
Statement of fact.

DH and I took turns entertaining the kids during the meal, MIL and FIL helped out a little too. SIL "feel so bad for parents, it effectively means you don't get to eat in peace for years on end!"
Well she's not bloody wrong is she?

DS ran to cuddle and kiss DH with his face and hands covered in yogurt as DH came downstairs. Of course DH had to go change immediately, 5 minutes after he originally got dressed in the morning. SIL "eugh the joys of being loved by a toddler hahahah"
Well again, she hasn't slighted anyone or stated anything wrong. Personally toddler would have been held at arms length and cleaned first.

After DD fed some reflux came out. SIL "yuck, don't think I could bring myself to clean up anyone else's sick. Makes me vomit just watching this. You're so brave!"
Again it's a statement of fact and actually a complement to you.

Yes she's probably sad she's not having them and reassuring herself of all the negatives. But she hasn't dissed your life. She hasn't called them pointless little puke bags and declared you've ruined your life. And you want to reply on a way that will purposely hurt her by pointing out how you're so much better than her

Your children are not perfect. Your 7y old doesn't now have a complex about their sick not being the highlight of your day. Your 2 yo does need to learn to not misbehave and to not run around touching people covered in yoghurt.

The whole "I am aty happiest as my over tired child puke screams into my hair and smears into my ears" doesn't really ring true.

I think deep down she might be feeling sad about not having had children.

Rather than taking offence, I'd imagine that whether or not she wants kids, her being single means even if she does, it's not on the horizon in the near future.
I'd cut her some slack instead of raising your hackles when she makes such comments.

Completely agree with this.

Is your SIL me thats how i speak but its not in an awful way at all.
But she is right on what she says.

Agreed. She’s over compensating.

@hmln you seem very thin skinned and sensitive but that can be very normal as a mum with two very young children when you are sleep deprived and often exhausted.
I would recognize you are getting upset and anxious about relatively innocuous comments and try and see the humor in it all instead.
Nothing she has said is untrue about parenting and I wouldn't get righteous indignation about it. At the same time as a mum who had 3 kids 5 and under, I can understand it's not the greatest if she is making little comments rather than lending a helpful hand.
She is your children's aunt and will be in their lives forever, I would play the long game and know you choose to have kids and you are happy with your choice. Don't let her get a rise out of you and don't respond with unkindness but humor (if you have the energy!).

Fucking hell the comments “she’s bitter and childless”. She’s only mid thirties. 🙄.

She probably thinks that she’s being sympathetic with you.

Also - genuinely many people dgaf about being “mummy and their whole world”

I actually do think it's quite rude to make negative comments about other people's life choices in general. You wouldn't say "oh god, your job sounds absolutely awful, I'd hate to have to do that" or "god I'd hate to live in your area, what a dump" because it's rude, and so is this

Having said that, the obvious answer is she's making herself feel better that it hasn't happened for her so I'd probably just ignore it

It's not "lighthearted" given the phrasing and that it's focused on this one topic repeatedly. It's a consistent pattern of mocking the OP whenever her children do something less than ideal and saying how horrible it must be to have children. Per the examples she is also doing this when the children can hear her. I'm really surprised anybody thinks this is acceptable.

Suppose it's a fine line between having a bit of a moan and constantly needling.

Parent to parent is different because you're all in it together.

But the SiL constantly making digs would be a problem for me (been there) and it's not amusing, it's just belittling.

This

The thing is that it doesn't sound like she is "chuffed with her choices"

Nothing she has said sounds in any way like a dig

She sounds very insecure.

I suppose it depends on how you take it. I'd laugh and agree with her most of the time so I would take it as lighthearted because being a parent isn't always plain sailing.

I also wouldn't have a problem with her saying any of the examples in the OP in front of my child.

She probably thinks that she’s being sympathetic with you.

🧐🫣

Presumably if she was that socially inept she'd be making equally unpleasant comments on other topics, not exclusively about children.

Nothing about the examples given suggests she is empathising with the OP. Somebody having a lighthearted joke but who genuinely sympathised would offer to help not mock them repeatedly and tell them having children (which will be a major focus on OP and her DH's life, time and energy right now given the children's ages) is shit. Clearly it is a very unpleasant way to behave to her brother and his wife, and to their children.

Do you really, honestly think that?
Are you really saying that if your child covered you in yoghurt just after you got dressed you would smile and think what a privilege it wax for you?
What a load of rubbish some people on here come out with

Except in our case it concerns two little people who could potentially overhear that they're perceived as "annoying"

They're 2 and 7 months old! They won't understand what she's saying! Have a bit of compassion! Clearly it's hard for her being around your nice little family unit when it's something she wants and doesn't have!

This. And I'd have moved the toothpaste and your toddler, breastfeeding or not Also a 2 hour battle to get your dc to bed is way too long.

Exactly.
I’m presuming the people who are saying it’s no big deal, are ones who would do it themselves.

I find people who constantly pipe up with unasked for opinions quite tedious in general, fair enough if asked, but otherwise, just don’t.

It’s really self absorbed, do you think your opinions are just so important and so insightful, everyone must hear them immediately 🙄

Sounds like bittersweet comments to me. Trying to make jokes while really would possibly love to have what you have? Just MO. X