To find SIL's comments on kids offensive?

[hmln]

SIL is in her mid 30s, childless and partner-less. She used to really want children but I think she's now given up on the idea.

I'm married to her brother, DH. We have DS 2 and DD 7mo. She constantly makes subtle digs at my kids and I previously thought it was just a phase, it would go away but it just hasn't and now that they understand more I feel like I need to say something. But what can I say? Each thing individually is minor but all taken together there's a theme. If I say anything to her directly she says she's joking or didn't quite mean it like that. But it adds up!

A few examples from the last few months:

1. DS is refusing to go to bed because he's excited at having arrived at his DGPs' house. I finally get him into bed after a 2hr battle. SIL "phew that looked hard, glad I'm not wasting hours of my evening like that on the regular hahahahah"
2. Whilst I was breastfeeding my DD I had to watch DS squeeze out a tube of toothpaste onto the floor and smear it. No one else was around to stop him and he wasn't listening to my "please stop" "please give me the toothpaste". SIL comes in and says "perks of being a mum eh"
3. DD kept us up for a night and we mentioned it in front of ILs because FIL literally asked how we slept. SIL "I think I value my sleep too much to have kids"
4. DH and I took turns entertaining the kids during the meal, MIL and FIL helped out a little too. SIL "feel so bad for parents, it effectively means you don't get to eat in peace for years on end!"
5. DS ran to cuddle and kiss DH with his face and hands covered in yogurt as DH came downstairs. Of course DH had to go change immediately, 5 minutes after he originally got dressed in the morning. SIL "eugh the joys of being loved by a toddler hahahah"
6. After DD fed some reflux came out. SIL "yuck, don't think I could bring myself to clean up anyone else's sick. Makes me vomit just watching this. You're so brave!"

Yeah shes trying to dismiss parenthood and how bad it is to make herself feel better. I absolutely can see this too OP. Its
quite sad really but at the same time you don’t need those comments, especially the sleeping comment.

😂😂😂

"So if I start saying things like "wow it must get so lonely for you not having kids or a husband" or "must be hard realising there's no one in the world thinking you're their mummy, their whole world, their most important person" that would be non offensive too, right?"

Pretty normal comments from a childless person - you on the other hand sound more than teeny weeny bit nasty

Autumnleaves89 I agree with you here.
Maybe some of us are just less dramatic/precious/hard work than others 😊

Speaking generally some people do make a mountain out of a molehill in many areas of their life and like to complicate things. It makes sense that some people will be dramatic about parenting as well.

No, it's not just her opinion 🤦‍♀️ RTFT.

😜

Ok. Because putting a baby on a fricking sofa and turning your back is so much better and easier than keeping a hold of your baby while walking over to your toddler.

Yeah that’s true. Wish I thought of that at the time. 🤗

Glad @EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness pointed out the craziest part.

I think OP framed the hell out of this story. There is no doubt that OP makes comments about parenthood while around parents-in-law and SIL, and we have no idea what kind of comments they are.

But if they’re anything like her comment here:
“… if my child runs to hug me (or DH) I'd say that's the biggest privilege in my life!”
Then she’s lucky her SIL doesn’t tell her to take a long walk off a short pier. SIL just makes comments about parenthood being difficult, and as 500 other MNers pointed out, IT IS.

But really, OP? Fucking really?!? You consider your toddler hugging you with yogurty hands the greatest privilege of your LIFE? So if you become Prime Minister or get knighted or win the Nobel Peace Prize or save millions of lives, that will all pale in comparison? I rolled my eyes so hard they got stuck. And if OP is saying things like this out loud, no wonder SIL felt the need to go to bat for being childless with her own comments.

Because if someone said things like OP’s comment:
“…you're their mummy, their whole world, their most important person.”
I would be crying with laughter at the sheer sanctimonious fuckery. So OP’s SIL is a better person than I am.

It sounds like she's just convincing herself that she doesn't want kids or she doesn't want you feeling sorry for her for not having them, when she wanted them. She's maybe just taking it a bit far. Which suggests it is bothering her. Maybe seeing your DC run and kiss his dad, actually made her sad for what she doesn't have, so she's said what she did as a self defense mechanism.
I definitely wouldn't get into a battle of 'who has it better' with her. She's not actually saying anything personal about your children at all. Just about parenthood. Smile and nod. If she ramps it up and it gets worse, laugh and say "We get it. You don't want kids and you think our life is awful for having them. But we're very happy, thanks."

In terms of hygiene, Kids are grim it’s a fact, but the reality of childlessness is heartbreaking and lifelong.
I chose my childlessness and regularly find my nieces nephews and godchildren hilarious in their ingenuity for mess and uproar - their parents do not share my feelings.

“must be hard realising there's no one in the world thinking you're their mummy” regardless of life choices this might be the most spiteful thing I’ve ever heard and you should be ashamed of yourself

In terms of hygiene, Kids are grim it’s a fact, but the reality of childlessness is heartbreaking and lifelong.

I really hate this narrative of wanting children and being unable to have them = lifelong heartbreak and unhappiness. It really isn’t true. I was childless originally, fertility issues. I’m now at peace with it (though have never forgotten how soul destroying persistent long term infertility is and empathise deeply with anyone in that situation) and love my childfree life. Feel it was a blessing in disguise.

It's unfair to judge others by your own experience.

Havent RTFT but I have no idea how a small person who opens toothpaste in order to smear it everywhere while being repeatedly asked not to could be perceived as annoying.
Absolute madness.

You watched your DS squeeze toothpaste out of a tube? No why SIL found it annoying.

I agree but making your peace with it is the tricky bit isn’t it. I am quite pragmatic about it all and generally find I am ambivalent to children on the whole but my friends granddaughter held my hand to go down a few steps a few months ago and just in that moment I felt that I had missed something.

I have always thought that there are many amazing life experiences that I haven’t had and now probably never will. Parenthood is one of them - although for me parenthood is one of the easiest to make my peace with as being child free has brought me a lot of peace after a traumatic start in life.

Why don’t you tell her that?

She's desperate to have kids. She doth protest too much.

Depends a bit on tone of voice. Was she trying to empathise in a fun way?

I often bork trying to pick up the dog poop, and I hate doing it. If someone made a joke about that, I wouldn't think they are being nasty about my choice to have a dog!

She is sick with jealousy and trying to persuade herself that she isn't.