To find SIL's comments on kids offensive?

[hmln]

SIL is in her mid 30s, childless and partner-less. She used to really want children but I think she's now given up on the idea.

I'm married to her brother, DH. We have DS 2 and DD 7mo. She constantly makes subtle digs at my kids and I previously thought it was just a phase, it would go away but it just hasn't and now that they understand more I feel like I need to say something. But what can I say? Each thing individually is minor but all taken together there's a theme. If I say anything to her directly she says she's joking or didn't quite mean it like that. But it adds up!

A few examples from the last few months:

1. DS is refusing to go to bed because he's excited at having arrived at his DGPs' house. I finally get him into bed after a 2hr battle. SIL "phew that looked hard, glad I'm not wasting hours of my evening like that on the regular hahahahah"
2. Whilst I was breastfeeding my DD I had to watch DS squeeze out a tube of toothpaste onto the floor and smear it. No one else was around to stop him and he wasn't listening to my "please stop" "please give me the toothpaste". SIL comes in and says "perks of being a mum eh"
3. DD kept us up for a night and we mentioned it in front of ILs because FIL literally asked how we slept. SIL "I think I value my sleep too much to have kids"
4. DH and I took turns entertaining the kids during the meal, MIL and FIL helped out a little too. SIL "feel so bad for parents, it effectively means you don't get to eat in peace for years on end!"
5. DS ran to cuddle and kiss DH with his face and hands covered in yogurt as DH came downstairs. Of course DH had to go change immediately, 5 minutes after he originally got dressed in the morning. SIL "eugh the joys of being loved by a toddler hahahah"
6. After DD fed some reflux came out. SIL "yuck, don't think I could bring myself to clean up anyone else's sick. Makes me vomit just watching this. You're so brave!"

Exactly. Just had tea with my newly 4 yo twins sat on my lap and barely eating but managing to get their elbows into everything. Od love a peaceful meal, they've both got colds so I'm over snotty faces wanting kisses, I hate bedtime when they won't sleep and I have my own mattress in their for the middle of the night wake ups. Why do we have to pretend parenting is perfect?

She’s bluffing. It’s her coping mechanism because she knows it’s never going to happen to her. Inside she’s heartbroken and would love to be knackered and covered in yoghurt. She wants everything you’ve got.

We struggled to conceive and were constantly asked when we were having children at family gatherings. I’d often say ‘Ergh no thanks’ and ‘I like my lavish holidays too much’. Because the alternative was to say ‘I can’t have children, we’ve spent tens of thousands on treatment, but it’s not happening’. That would have been heartbreaking for me and embarrassing for the person I was talking to. So Instead I was a bit of an ice-queen who put up this child hating front.

Go easy on her, just ignore it.

As a child free person myself I have to say that I frequently have thoughts like this. I have so much respect and admiration for people who are parents because when I witness what they do it looks like bloody hard work. I suppose that when you're in it you just get on with it, but when you don't have children yourself you honestly wonder how people manage.

I wouldn’t be offended.

But I do think she rude. Who verbalises these things out loud.

If your dh brought you a cup of tea and she was there you wouldn’t go ‘oh so glad I have husband who makes me a cup of tea’ or ‘I am so glad I dont have to go to bed alone. Couldn’t imagine sleeping in a bed without a partner….even if I did have extra space’

I am a single parent. There’s plenty I see in people’s relationships that make me glad I am single. I wouldn’t say it out loud.

I am sure some people I know feel they are glad they aren’t in my position. But they aren’t going to it verbalising it out loud.

I’m a mum and spending hours sat on the floor in the dark is indeed wasting my time. Nor is it a privilege to be smeared with yoghurt. You sound very ‘I’m a mummy now’, maybe that’s naturally put her off.

Why don't you just answer back with your own view as expressed here

'I love the cuddles so much I don't mind the goo'
'I never feel as though I am wasting my evening. I enjoy putting my children to bed'

Although quite frankly I would think you were a bit of a Pollyanna if you did really think/ say that

I'd be saying 'God yeh your best off out of it' and 'well any time you want to babysit..'
They are fairly lighthearted unserious comments. I could not get upset about this.

People say my job sounds disgusting and they couldn't do it all the time to me! (Dental Hygienist)

Both of my DCs were speaking in full sentences by 2.5 so they'd have understood what was being said by maybe 1.5.

Her comments are fine. I would prefer her agreeing/noticing when they are being annoying than feeling like I can never vent/moan as I am lucky to have kids when sil doesn't.

Bot nothing negative is happening.
Op sees two hour put downs as the best use of her time, the toddler smearing toothpaste as the joy of young children,yoghurt kisses as a privilege, clearing up vomit as #makingmemories so she's merely commenting on the brightest parts of ops day, according to ops rhetoric

To me these sound like the comments of someone who is trying to convince herself and the rest of the world she doesn’t want kids. It’s smacks of someone who protests too much and is actually sad.

This made me chuckle heartily! I wouldn’t have said it like this but I agree. Are you seriously saying small kids aren’t annoying op? I do mean this kindly - I think you are sleep deprived and in the thick of it, and she is an easy place to put your rage. She’s pointing out some of the shit things about having kids, that’s definitely not needed, but you are taking it very personally. Do you have other beefs with her?

I don't think it's rude or offensive at all, I think you're being very oversensitive. Anyway if I were you i would laugh along and reply "yeah good job they're cute eh?".

YABU, her comments don’t seem to be digs or particularly mean. People say stuff sometimes, let it go

Reading the comments again, the only one that is borderline is the "wasting my evening" and even that could be just thoughtless phrasing. I hate spending ages too much putting g my kids to bed, it's not enjoyable and they just need to sleep! Her other comments really aren't in any way offensive.

it 100% sounds like she's sad she has no children. I just can't see any other reason for that number of comments and the way they are put across. I think someone who was childfree and happy would potentially comment on how hard parenthood looks but it would be phrased differently.

I think you protest too much, OP.

I’m amazed that you sat there watching your son squeeze a tube of toothpaste on the floor. Why didn’t you stop him? Thats ridiculous carry on.

👏👏👏👏

well, we don't know for sure, do we? And as I said in an earlier post I often have the same thoughts as the SIL. As women we're brainwashed to think that our highest calling is to be mums, but when you look at what mums actually do it really puts you off. I can't say I am sad that I never got to experience being a mum. I'm sure it's really amazing to have children, but it sometimes seems like a nightmare to someone looking on from the outside.

Yabu she’s not wrong about any of. I’ve three children and the amount of times I’ve said to dh after witnessing some newborn or toddler something that I’m soooo glad we are out of that stage.

I certainly do not miss or feel jealous of a parent having to spend hours trying to get a baby or toddler to sleep. I certainly do not miss baby spit up or changing nappies or the mess children create and I’m not trying to convince myself I don’t want children since I have three already 😂

Well, the op has collected all these comments over time. Why they have stayed in her head we'll never know. Perhaps she is sad that she didn't remain child free like the SIL?

I’m amazed that people don’t think the SIL is being undermining and judgy. If she can’t say something nice to parents with DC at the most demanding stages she should just keep her negativity to herself.
If she’s normally a decent kind person I would assume there is other stuff going on and try hard to do water off a duck’s back time with her but focus on trying to build some connections with the DC and her when they’re not yoghurt smeared😂

I have 4dc and would see her comments as funny/relatable because although having children absolutely fills my life with joy it's a)not the same for everyone and b)bloody hard work.
Her comments are true. I've looked after babies (others and my own) for nearly 30 years, if a baby threw up on me I'd laugh it off. But I definitely have friends who would vomit and that reaction is no better or worse than mine.
If you take comments like this to heart you will struggle with the unsolicited "advice" of strangers you will inevitably receive over the next decade.
"God your kids are hard work" and "God having kids is hard work" are not the same thing iyswim.

If she is saying these things in front of your DC then yes that is highly unreasonable and very inconsiderate. I wouldn't make snarky remarks back. Probably just tell your DH to sit her down and be clear that it's not helpful, kind or appropriate to make remarks in front of the kids.

She's being an absolute asshole, but for some reason om here people act lkke it's acceptable to make digs like this towards mothers but not the other way round. What a horrible woman. I'd just keep saying 'it's better than the alternative' every time she says something bitchy about children or parenting.