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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find SIL's comments on kids offensive?

546 replies

hmln · 28/12/2023 18:28

SIL is in her mid 30s, childless and partner-less. She used to really want children but I think she's now given up on the idea.

I'm married to her brother, DH. We have DS 2 and DD 7mo. She constantly makes subtle digs at my kids and I previously thought it was just a phase, it would go away but it just hasn't and now that they understand more I feel like I need to say something. But what can I say? Each thing individually is minor but all taken together there's a theme. If I say anything to her directly she says she's joking or didn't quite mean it like that. But it adds up!

A few examples from the last few months:

  1. DS is refusing to go to bed because he's excited at having arrived at his DGPs' house. I finally get him into bed after a 2hr battle. SIL "phew that looked hard, glad I'm not wasting hours of my evening like that on the regular hahahahah"
  2. Whilst I was breastfeeding my DD I had to watch DS squeeze out a tube of toothpaste onto the floor and smear it. No one else was around to stop him and he wasn't listening to my "please stop" "please give me the toothpaste". SIL comes in and says "perks of being a mum eh"
  3. DD kept us up for a night and we mentioned it in front of ILs because FIL literally asked how we slept. SIL "I think I value my sleep too much to have kids"
  4. DH and I took turns entertaining the kids during the meal, MIL and FIL helped out a little too. SIL "feel so bad for parents, it effectively means you don't get to eat in peace for years on end!"
  5. DS ran to cuddle and kiss DH with his face and hands covered in yogurt as DH came downstairs. Of course DH had to go change immediately, 5 minutes after he originally got dressed in the morning. SIL "eugh the joys of being loved by a toddler hahahah"
  6. After DD fed some reflux came out. SIL "yuck, don't think I could bring myself to clean up anyone else's sick. Makes me vomit just watching this. You're so brave!"
OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 28/12/2023 18:38

Like others, I think she’s trying to convince herself that she’s better off. What she’s saying is annoying to you but it’s not offensive towards your children. I’d try laugh it off and move past it.

HoHoHoliday · 28/12/2023 18:38

"So if I start saying things like "wow it must get so lonely for you not having kids or a husband" or "must be hard realising there's no one in the world thinking you're their mummy, their whole world, their most important person" that would be non offensive too, right?"

No, that would make you a patronising @rse. She is making comments to reaffirm her own lifestyle choice, whereas you would be insulting a part of her life that you believe she is vulnerable in.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/12/2023 18:38

I'm ok with this and the reason is that... the 'norm' is having kids means success so I think it's ok for the childless to bang on about it not being so great. See also couples/singles - the 'norm' is couples means success so it's ok for single people to continually point out it's actually quite nice.

Flightsoffancy · 28/12/2023 18:38

What makes you think she's given up on the idea of her own kids? I suspect that she is inwardly sad not to have them and overcompensating with these comments, probably hoping the rest of the family won't feel sorry for her or ask her about having kids if she gets in there first. It's the sort of thing I might have done a few years ago, and have been in a lot of pain but unwilling to show it. Either way, I can see the comments might be a bit annoying but they're not personal to you or your kids and not IMO offensive. I'd probably just ignore them.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 28/12/2023 18:38

hmln · 28/12/2023 18:35

So if I start saying things like "wow it must get so lonely for you not having kids or a husband" or "must be hard realising there's no one in the world thinking you're their mummy, their whole world, their most important person" that would be non offensive too, right?

Except in our case it concerns two little people who could potentially overhear that they're perceived as "annoying"

Show quote history

You made a choice to have your kids. If she’s expressed that she made a choice not to have children I think comments like that would be fine, and people who choose to be childfree get them all the time. However it sounds like not having kids wasn’t a choice she made, in which case obviously the comments you’re suggesting would be somewhat cruel.

PaperSky · 28/12/2023 18:38

HoHoHoliday · 28/12/2023 18:31

Why do you feel offended? She's not criticising you, your life or your kids. She's expressing her opinion on not wanting to be a parent herself.

She is though, if she’s saying she feels sorry for parents etc.

Cant stand people who make these little passive aggressive comments.

Just don’t say anything!

Terrrence · 28/12/2023 18:38

I've had 3 children and I do think the food hug was gross. I would have wiped the yoghurt off before he left wherever he was eating it.

She is just acknowledging how hard parenting is and seeing the good points about not having children. Who would want to be kept awake all night etc? I think it is better than her feeling upset at not having DC. She is still young enough to have them but maybe she won't. Looking after young children isn't for everyone.

Theunamedcat · 28/12/2023 18:39

I wouldn't really be too bothered until the children are old enough to listen and have understanding of the negative comments my sister was like this she started when she had plenty of time to have children and has continued in her criticism for over 20 fucking years to the degree where my 15 year old was upset she was putting me down for how he was behaving (he is autistic so some conversations are unusual) her dictating behaviour can be hurtful drives a wedge in between a relationship she claims to have wanted with them

SutWytTi · 28/12/2023 18:39

hmln · 28/12/2023 18:33

Well I'd say putting my child to bed isn't wasting my evening and if my child runs to hug me (or DH) I'd say that's the biggest privilege in my life! Whether he's covered in yogurt or not.
And I don't want him to hear, after he's hugged me (or DH) that this is annoying. It's not.

Hearing this won't hurt him. She's a bit part in his life really, an auntie who is broadly nice and makes the odd sarky remark won't dent him.

Coolhwip · 28/12/2023 18:39

hmln · 28/12/2023 18:35

So if I start saying things like "wow it must get so lonely for you not having kids or a husband" or "must be hard realising there's no one in the world thinking you're their mummy, their whole world, their most important person" that would be non offensive too, right?

Except in our case it concerns two little people who could potentially overhear that they're perceived as "annoying"

Show quote history

You know little children aren’t literally thinking their parents are their whole world, right?

Again, I think your way of speaking could be getting SIL’s back up, hence her comments to get you back.

YouBringLightIn · 28/12/2023 18:40

Sirzy · 28/12/2023 18:31

That to me sounds like she is trying to convince herself she isn’t upset she hasn’t got children

Yes, this.

The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

Let her enjoy her child free time, she can be chuffed with her choices, you can enjoy the snuggles.

Hatty65 · 28/12/2023 18:40

So if I start saying things like "wow it must get so lonely for you not having kids or a husband" or "must be hard realising there's no one in the world thinking you're their mummy, their whole world, their most important person" that would be non offensive too, right?

No. It would be utterly and unforgiveably bitchy, and you are aware of that. By all means make this kind of comment if you want to ruin your entire relationship with your inlaws.

Speaking as someone whose eldest DD can't have children I would go absolutely nuclear at you if you made this kind of comment to her in my house (or anywhere else). There would not be any coming back from that one.

GrumpyPanda · 28/12/2023 18:41

Grimchmas · 28/12/2023 18:32

I'd make a comment right back next time.

"Are you OK SIL? You often make comments about how our kids are proving to you that you don't want kids. You do know you don't need to prove anything to us don't you?"

Or the old classic "did you mean to be so rude?"

....and that would be you being rude, then.

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 28/12/2023 18:41

She's being rude. Especially as your children will get older and hear what she says.

Since you say she used to really want children, it sounds like a case of "the lady doth protest too much"

arethereanyleftatall · 28/12/2023 18:41

hmln · 28/12/2023 18:33

Well I'd say putting my child to bed isn't wasting my evening and if my child runs to hug me (or DH) I'd say that's the biggest privilege in my life! Whether he's covered in yogurt or not.
And I don't want him to hear, after he's hugged me (or DH) that this is annoying. It's not.

Ok, after this comment, I can see why she might do this. Are you one of those people who believe that there is only one right way to go through life, and having kids is it?
It's marvellous for you that you think it's a privilege, other people actually don't.

stillavid · 28/12/2023 18:41

God, I have 3 dc and pretty much agree with everything SIL said.

Jojobees · 28/12/2023 18:42

Nothing she said is offensive. I’d be annoyed if some one allowed my food smeared child down from the table without cleaning them. I don’t want a hug from my children covered in food. It’s not a privilege.
Your attempt at stopping a 2 year old smearing toothpaste was ineffective. Remove 7m old from the breast, remove toothpaste from toddler and relatch 7m old.

SutWytTi · 28/12/2023 18:42

hmln · 28/12/2023 18:35

So if I start saying things like "wow it must get so lonely for you not having kids or a husband" or "must be hard realising there's no one in the world thinking you're their mummy, their whole world, their most important person" that would be non offensive too, right?

Except in our case it concerns two little people who could potentially overhear that they're perceived as "annoying"

Show quote history

Those comments are much worse IMO.

Justcallmebebes · 28/12/2023 18:42

I can't see she's said or done anything wrong. Maybe she's pissed off at your smugness?

ACynicalDad · 28/12/2023 18:42

I’d want to say, but wouldn’t, if you ever met someone wonderful and wanted to create a family with them I’m sure you’d realise just how minor these issues are, how quickly they will pass and how wonderful it is to build a loving family together.

Toottooot · 28/12/2023 18:43

Awwww aren’t you superior to her for having a husband and 2 geets. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 28/12/2023 18:43

Sirzy · 28/12/2023 18:31

That to me sounds like she is trying to convince herself she isn’t upset she hasn’t got children

I agree. Ignore her.

Terrribletwos · 28/12/2023 18:43

hmln · 28/12/2023 18:28

SIL is in her mid 30s, childless and partner-less. She used to really want children but I think she's now given up on the idea.

I'm married to her brother, DH. We have DS 2 and DD 7mo. She constantly makes subtle digs at my kids and I previously thought it was just a phase, it would go away but it just hasn't and now that they understand more I feel like I need to say something. But what can I say? Each thing individually is minor but all taken together there's a theme. If I say anything to her directly she says she's joking or didn't quite mean it like that. But it adds up!

A few examples from the last few months:

  1. DS is refusing to go to bed because he's excited at having arrived at his DGPs' house. I finally get him into bed after a 2hr battle. SIL "phew that looked hard, glad I'm not wasting hours of my evening like that on the regular hahahahah"
  2. Whilst I was breastfeeding my DD I had to watch DS squeeze out a tube of toothpaste onto the floor and smear it. No one else was around to stop him and he wasn't listening to my "please stop" "please give me the toothpaste". SIL comes in and says "perks of being a mum eh"
  3. DD kept us up for a night and we mentioned it in front of ILs because FIL literally asked how we slept. SIL "I think I value my sleep too much to have kids"
  4. DH and I took turns entertaining the kids during the meal, MIL and FIL helped out a little too. SIL "feel so bad for parents, it effectively means you don't get to eat in peace for years on end!"
  5. DS ran to cuddle and kiss DH with his face and hands covered in yogurt as DH came downstairs. Of course DH had to go change immediately, 5 minutes after he originally got dressed in the morning. SIL "eugh the joys of being loved by a toddler hahahah"
  6. After DD fed some reflux came out. SIL "yuck, don't think I could bring myself to clean up anyone else's sick. Makes me vomit just watching this. You're so brave!"

No, I get it and it used to really grate on me and at the time I didn't have any answers. I sympathise tho, it's really annoying!!

And no, I don't think it's just passing comment cos she doesn't have kids...it's bitchy and uncalled for.

flawlessandfearless · 28/12/2023 18:44

Hatty65 · 28/12/2023 18:40

So if I start saying things like "wow it must get so lonely for you not having kids or a husband" or "must be hard realising there's no one in the world thinking you're their mummy, their whole world, their most important person" that would be non offensive too, right?

No. It would be utterly and unforgiveably bitchy, and you are aware of that. By all means make this kind of comment if you want to ruin your entire relationship with your inlaws.

Speaking as someone whose eldest DD can't have children I would go absolutely nuclear at you if you made this kind of comment to her in my house (or anywhere else). There would not be any coming back from that one.

This.

It would be a vile way to respond to someone who wants to be a parent.

fruitsalad87 · 28/12/2023 18:44

I'm not sure why any of this offended you at all? It's not said in a mean spirited way it is just the perks of parenthood and some of them are shite. I think she's complimenting you if anything.