To find SIL's comments on kids offensive?

[hmln]

SIL is in her mid 30s, childless and partner-less. She used to really want children but I think she's now given up on the idea.

I'm married to her brother, DH. We have DS 2 and DD 7mo. She constantly makes subtle digs at my kids and I previously thought it was just a phase, it would go away but it just hasn't and now that they understand more I feel like I need to say something. But what can I say? Each thing individually is minor but all taken together there's a theme. If I say anything to her directly she says she's joking or didn't quite mean it like that. But it adds up!

A few examples from the last few months:

1. DS is refusing to go to bed because he's excited at having arrived at his DGPs' house. I finally get him into bed after a 2hr battle. SIL "phew that looked hard, glad I'm not wasting hours of my evening like that on the regular hahahahah"
2. Whilst I was breastfeeding my DD I had to watch DS squeeze out a tube of toothpaste onto the floor and smear it. No one else was around to stop him and he wasn't listening to my "please stop" "please give me the toothpaste". SIL comes in and says "perks of being a mum eh"
3. DD kept us up for a night and we mentioned it in front of ILs because FIL literally asked how we slept. SIL "I think I value my sleep too much to have kids"
4. DH and I took turns entertaining the kids during the meal, MIL and FIL helped out a little too. SIL "feel so bad for parents, it effectively means you don't get to eat in peace for years on end!"
5. DS ran to cuddle and kiss DH with his face and hands covered in yogurt as DH came downstairs. Of course DH had to go change immediately, 5 minutes after he originally got dressed in the morning. SIL "eugh the joys of being loved by a toddler hahahah"
6. After DD fed some reflux came out. SIL "yuck, don't think I could bring myself to clean up anyone else's sick. Makes me vomit just watching this. You're so brave!"

YABU none of those comments are offensive, in fact, all quite true and I don’t agree with PP saying is a mask for not having kids. Sounds like you need to relax.

well this is also entirely possible and I'm yet to find a parent (myself included) who didn't occasionally regret having children 😅

You both sound like you respond to vulnerable feelings by feeling defensive and reacting bitchily (even if you're only saying it in your head at this point).

You can't change the way she responds to her feelings but you can change the way you respond to yours. You can accept that her feelings are, at least in part valid, but also quite possibly a defense against her own sadness about not having kids, while not taking it as a personal attack on you.

"phew that looked hard, glad I'm not wasting hours of my evening like that on the regular hahahahah"
"Yep, it was pretty exhausting tonight! Thank god most nights are nowhere near this bad."

"Perks of being a mum eh"
"Haha I know, probably payback for the messes I made when I was a kid"

"I think I value my sleep too much to have kids"
"Ah, it's not such a bad swap though a couple of extra hours would be nice"

"feel so bad for parents, it effectively means you don't get to eat in peace for years on end!"
"All part of the job I guess!"

"eugh the joys of being loved by a toddler hahahah"
"Yeah, good thing it's the love that sticks and the dirt that washes out" or even just "Hard to mind really when he's so sweet"

"yuck, don't think I could bring myself to clean up anyone else's sick. Makes me vomit just watching this. You're so brave!"
"Oh thanks, I feel a bit vommy myself. You're right, this is the worst bit!"

Just be kind. It’s really hard to be single and childless when all you wanted was a family.

When my friend's dc was very young she had just been eating yogurt and ran to greet me. She put her head on my lap and when she got up again there was a smudged imprint of her face on my skirt. It was absolutely adorable. And very funny.

I was a single, childless adult for 15 ish years and it's really hard to say the right thing. Parents are always going on about how hard it is and how tired they are (obviously being a parent, I understand this!). So it might be that she's trying to affirm that, although doing it quite clumsily?

You can't say, "Wow, it looks so perfect and magical having children at Christmas," because a parent of young kids will come down on you like a ton of bricks and tell you how tired they are and how terrible their life is.

I think it would be best to just play it down, shrug and say, "Yeah but it goes so fast," or "yeah but it's not forever," or something like that.

Especially at Christmas.

Sounds like she's trying to convince herself she's better off childless, if she's always wanted them and doesn't see it happening now. You could try one of two things:

Ah yes SIL I remember those days when my evenings were my own. Count yourself lucky!

Or

Yeah it was hard work but I'd rather do this than not have the kids, they're so worth it.

Both are polite but push back at her the same thing she's doing to you. She'll either stop cos she gets upset like you are, or she'll kick off and you can tell her how you feel.

Or option 3. Tell her you'd rather she didn't point out to your children how much of an inconvenience they must be to their parents and ask her if she'd like to talk about anything. If she says no, ask her to keep her opinion on other people's reproductive decisions to herself.

We all have the lives we have - joyful, boring, sad, lonely (yep, even the mums!) - it is what it is. I find it a bit weird that mums and childfree women seem to be constantly placed in opposition to each other. As though there's some war of the women going on or something. Very strange.

Whilst I was breastfeeding my DD I had to watch DS squeeze out a tube of toothpaste onto the floor and smear it. No one else was around to stop him and he wasn't listening to my "please stop" "please give me the toothpaste". SIL comes in and says "perks of being a mum eh"

You got off rather lightly.

Plenty of other ILs would have a lot more to say in these circumstances. Not everyone is thrilled that a parent would sit by while a toddler squeezed toothpaste onto the floor.

I think I read it differently to most other posters.

I don't think she's expressing jealousy, or at least not that alone.

I think she's having a dig at your ineffectual/weak parenting and you are choosing to see that through the lens of her being jealous rather than reflecting on why you view yourself as the helpless victim of a two year old with a tube of toothpaste.

My DC1 was 22 months when their sibling came along, btw, and I can't imagine passively watching them smear toothpaste anywhere because no one else was around. .Lol

I'm childfree by choice and would think what your SiL said but wouldn't say it out loud.

I think there are two things going on here - 1) you're oversensitive and 2) you don't want her hurting your child's feelings. If you can 1) get over yourself to the point where you can have a lighthearted laugh with her about how annoying your and every child can sometimes be, you could then 2) tell her you don't want to risk your children's feelings getting hurt by being called annoying so could she refrain from joking about it in their presence? Basically, if you and she weren't setting yourselves up in opposition to each other you'd be able to sort out the actual issue here quite easily.

So if I start saying things like "wow it must get so lonely for you not having kids or a husband" or "must be hard realising there's no one in the world thinking you're their mummy, their whole world, their most important person" that would be non offensive too, right?

These are not comparable because being a wife and mother is still widely perceived as societally normative, so if you made these comments you would be punching down.

I spend hours every night getting my eldest to bed, he's currently on the ADHD pathway. My youngest takes about half an hour. I Def do not feel the 2 hours a night plus are a privilege. Anyway she's not judging your parenting or kids, she's reminding herself of the realisites of parenting, I had 5 yes of miscarriages before my son and I'm sure I've done similar. Have some empathy

I’ve got kids and reading the first post reminded me of some things I’m glad to not have to do any more. Some bits of parenting is annoying, I don’t think she’s having a dig at your kids. Plus sometimes people feel like they just have to say something to make something less embarrassing. She could have come in to your kid squeezing toothpaste out and said oh wow what a mess, but rather tried to make a joke out of it saying the perks of parenthood. What is she really supposed to say about being covered in yoghurt when really she’s probably thinking yak or just saying nothing and then appearing judgemental. She’s maybe just trying to make the situation lighthearted.

I think you’re being a touch sensitive about it OP.

She sounds sad and is trying to make herself feel better that she doesn't have what you have - to be honest the fact that you are having to ask about this shows a distinct lack of empathy on your part OP - it's obvious why she is doing it. Cut her some slack

No, because you have a husband and kids and are happy, and you aren't having to watch her getting things you badly want and are getting less and less likely to have. I can't believe you think this is comparable.

She is obviously hurting like mad and badly wants a family and that's clearly what's causing this. It's not the most mature or nicest way of dealing with it but she probably thinks you can handle it since you're happy and glad to have your children so why would you care what she's saying?

I think it's quite difficult to find the right comment for someone who has spent 2 hours putting a toddler to bed. Considering the circumstances, I don't think hers are too bad. She didn't criticize you, your parenting or your child. She empathized with you. She tried to lighten the atmosphere and made you look selfless by admitting her own selfishness.

Same, and I'd have had a conniption!!!

You sound a bit unhappy in yourself OP for any of those comments to bother you.

I'm a mother of 3 and I agree with most of what she said 🤣🤣

The watching a toddler squeeze toothpaste. As a parent with a 3 yr age gap and spirited eldest I'd have continued feeding daughter while holding with 1 arm, crouched down, taken toothpaste with a firm nope, we don't do that and probably surf board lifted my eldest onto the other knee so I'd a hold of both kids.

Not in my own house, in my own house I'd have watched him smear the toothpaste and thought fuck it and cleaned it up later but at someone else's house definitely

You both sound like you respond to vulnerable feelings by feeling defensive and reacting bitchily

It's hardly the OP who has been bitchy here!

In all honesty, OP sounds far more insecure, cruel and envious than her SIL does in the carefully spun scenarios in the OP.

I think she's having a dig at your ineffectual/weak parenting and you are choosing to see that through the lens of her being jealous rather than reflecting on why you view yourself as the helpless victim of a two year old with a tube of toothpaste.

@dingdonggooley

This is a solid point and I thought the same when I read it. No way would I keep breastfeeding for the duration of my toddler squeezing toothpaste onto the floor. The baby would be put aside for a minute and the toddler would have the toothpaste removed from them and told we do not do that. Hopefully the toddler was in the bathroom at the time so it wasn't a hard clean-up, but I think "helplessly" begging a child to stop doing something rather than applying basic parental discipline may be rather telling.