To find SIL's comments on kids offensive?

[hmln]

SIL is in her mid 30s, childless and partner-less. She used to really want children but I think she's now given up on the idea.

I'm married to her brother, DH. We have DS 2 and DD 7mo. She constantly makes subtle digs at my kids and I previously thought it was just a phase, it would go away but it just hasn't and now that they understand more I feel like I need to say something. But what can I say? Each thing individually is minor but all taken together there's a theme. If I say anything to her directly she says she's joking or didn't quite mean it like that. But it adds up!

A few examples from the last few months:

1. DS is refusing to go to bed because he's excited at having arrived at his DGPs' house. I finally get him into bed after a 2hr battle. SIL "phew that looked hard, glad I'm not wasting hours of my evening like that on the regular hahahahah"
2. Whilst I was breastfeeding my DD I had to watch DS squeeze out a tube of toothpaste onto the floor and smear it. No one else was around to stop him and he wasn't listening to my "please stop" "please give me the toothpaste". SIL comes in and says "perks of being a mum eh"
3. DD kept us up for a night and we mentioned it in front of ILs because FIL literally asked how we slept. SIL "I think I value my sleep too much to have kids"
4. DH and I took turns entertaining the kids during the meal, MIL and FIL helped out a little too. SIL "feel so bad for parents, it effectively means you don't get to eat in peace for years on end!"
5. DS ran to cuddle and kiss DH with his face and hands covered in yogurt as DH came downstairs. Of course DH had to go change immediately, 5 minutes after he originally got dressed in the morning. SIL "eugh the joys of being loved by a toddler hahahah"
6. After DD fed some reflux came out. SIL "yuck, don't think I could bring myself to clean up anyone else's sick. Makes me vomit just watching this. You're so brave!"

I have three kids and I never wanted a yogurt-covered hug!! Nor have I ever had any desire to spend two hours putting them to bed. I'd also have slipped DD off the breast for the couple of seconds it would have taken to retrieve the toothpaste. Top tip - always keep your Sudocrem out of reach!!

I think you should cut your SIL some slack. You have got children, and she may never have them. It's clear that she is trying to convince herself. I feel sad for her.

I don't know why people think she's jealous. These incidents (with the exception of the hug) are no ones idea of aspirational, surely? Sounds to me more like she is a tactless and insensitive person who wants to rub your nose in it when her life is easier and more pleasurable than yours. Unfortunately there are people who do this, just because they're not very nice. Jealousy often doesn't come into it. But given you wouldn't trade your life for hers, it shouldn't matter if she does pity you.

She’s jealous. Next time she makes a comment you need to laugh (not sarcastic) like you are enjoying what’s she’s saying and agree.
Then say something like ‘ good job I love being a mum’

Why are you so defensive about it then?
We all know that but if you’re not a parent and can’t feel the unconditional love that makes it all ok, it does look pretty shit from the outside 😂 but if you’ve said she wanted kids and has had to make peace with not then she may well be reassuring herself of the silver linings which would generate huge compassion from me. I think this is best met with lightness and good humour.

I think these could be harmless or snide, based on context, your relationship otherwise, if your comments on this thread are things you'd say to her etc.

What does your DH think? That would be telling

It's called "sticking the boot in". Something negative happens to someone and you laugh at it, well, that's not very nice is it? Doing it consistently on a particular topic - especially when it is to parents struggling with children at a very demanding age - is clearly unpleasant behaviour. A normal aunt might offer to help out with the kids instead.

Clearly she is using the OP as an emotional punchbag to try to cope with her own issues and that is not ok.

Just sounds like someone enjoying their childfeee life or trying to convince themselves they’re happy being childfree. Either way, I’d counter every negative comment with something about how much I love it, despite the mess / tiredness / etc.

Wish I had thought of that at the time.

Agree, it's jealousy or cruel, try to rise above it....easier said than done I know....been there.

Smug how?

None of the examples given have been as a result of OP saying/doing anything directly to her.

Do you regularly pipe up with your opinion on peoples lives when they haven’t invited you to, simply because you were present when things occurred?

If so, maybe stop!

I'm with you there. Nuts to watch a child do this. Also to the hugging while covered in food 🫣

With the exception of the wasting your evening thing, none of those comments are rude or offensive.

It sounds to me like someone trying to connect and maybe struggling because you have children and she doesn't. Obviously you know her and we don't and you're there to judge the tone too.

Also, all of those things are true and she seems to be acknowledging how hard it looks.

The thing is, kids are gross. Cleaning up snot, vom and chewed up food is fucking horrible even when it's your own.

I rarely get through a whole meal with my friends if their small kids are around without them having to be up and down.

So yes maybe it's clumsy but I think you're being silly and a bit precious.

Did op say anything about being smothered in yogurt?!?

Don't find these offensive at all! She's trying to be sympathetic. All these things are true.
You don't get to eat in peace and constantly have to clear up vomit. She's right!

Put yourself in her position - she wants children and may not be able to have them. That's a huge thing to come to terms with.

Your children won't be harmed by hearing anything you mentioned. They know you love them and don't find them annoying. It won't hurt them to realise that not every single aspect of parenting is a joy.

It’s clearly borne out of jealousy or sadness that her life hasn’t turned out the way she wanted.

If she was secure with her child-free life, she wouldn’t need to keep up the subtle digs at yours.

Don’t say anything though, just grit your teeth and leave her to her barbed comments.

Yes point 5. Her husband had to change.

Just ignore it. She might have spent too much time on social media as well. On Tiktok there's a viral "trend" called The Girl With The List which started off as a girl making a list of reasons why having kids suck. Then it took on a life of its own where every video that touches upon something negative related to kids, pregnancy or childbirth results in hundreds of comments calling for the the girl with the list. It's mostly lighthearted stuff but it obviously touches on a nerve with some people.

A lot of the things she's saying to you sounds suspiciously similar to the List Girl trend. She probably saw some of those clips within the childfree community and is now regurgitating the facts to convince herself she believes them. It's much easier for your to let it go then turn into into drama.

None of those comment are digs.
None of it is offensive 🙄
They are all things that parents also say to each other.

So if I start saying things like "wow it must get so lonely for you not having kids or a husband" or "must be hard realising there's no one in the world thinking you're their mummy, their whole world, their most important person" that would be non offensive too, right?

Exactly @hmln . It is the equivalent of you saying "gosh, it must be lonely to be childless and miss out on experience the unique love between a child and their parent."

Nobody would think that's ok and what she is doing is just as unpleasant.

She is being bitchy. No need for it

"Glad I'm not wasting my evening" is quite obviously not sympathetic.

If you think that those nasty comments you have just written are in line with the ones you have received and stated in your Op then, you are not only delusional but also a complete cow.

Agree with PP - the thing about the lady doth protest too much applies here. I suspect she is actually a bit jealous, can’t you just laugh along / ignore? My SIL is a bit like this too but I can see that it’s all about her and not about me really so I just nod along

I have kids and agree with her 😂.

She's clearly justifying herself and probably struggles with her expectations for life not being what she thought. Smile and nod and let her in to help etc as she can.

YABU. Massively oversensitive.

Not offensive in the slightest, but accurate.

I have kids following years of fertility issues - and, shock horror, sometimes the bedroom routine is tedious, I'd be irritated by the yoghurty hands, and yes there are many things that were easier before children, and things I missed.

Perhaps YOU are sensitive because she's hitting a nerve - you're quite vehement about what a privilege parenting is, and how it's all such a JOY - perhaps you are in fact the lady that "doth protest too much" because you feel truth in what she's saying and there's a tiny part of you that misses the pre-children freedoms, which you then feel guilty about and you're feelings are actually annoyance that she's triggered those feelings with her comments.

FYI - missing pre children things is normal. Finding the whole parenting experience utter perfect joy - not so much. There isn't a parent alive who hasn't thought, "JUST GO TO SLEEP!" at least once, or been frustrated by one of a million different things.