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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex Wife Boundaries

417 replies

2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 11:57

My ex wife and I share 50/50 custody of our children. I tend to have them slightly more than that over Christmas and half terms due to her work schedules (I am not complaining about that- any time that I spend with my kids in a gift). The kids spent Christmas with me and returned to her on Boxing Day.
She has started a relationship with another man (the kids were somewhat resistant to this, but I have been as supportive as I can be-he has even thanked me for this).
My boundary on this are that if the kids are with me, I don’t contact her unless absolutely necessary. She has her life to lead.
Yesterday, I received a call saying ‘we are coming over to your house now as he (my son) wants his other pair of trainers’.
I was actually having lunch with a lady that I have begun dating and said that ‘now is not convenient as I have company. Tomorrow will be fine’.
She slammed the phone down and then sent a text saying ‘Don’t bother I am going to buy some new ones’.
I think she is getting too aggressive here and not respecting boundaries. Or AIBU?

OP posts:
Onceuponaheartache · 28/12/2023 12:04

On the surface you are not being unreasonable however I strongly suspect there is a whole different side to this if the exw were to post.

Original poster
2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 12:05

How?

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 28/12/2023 12:07

Your son wants his trainers... he should be allowed to get them. He's your child. It's his home.

It's hard enough for children when there is a situation like this. This isn't a 'boundary' issue.

auntiesatthere · 28/12/2023 12:08

If a woman had wrote this everyone would say yes good you kept your boundary as you should and your right not to expose your child to a new person you are dating. Perhaps next time you could have said you can pop them around a bit later (assuming your date wasn't staying) but you had every right to say now is not convenient. She is clearly annoyed that you are seeing someone else. She can no longer dictate to you what you can and can't do. Good for you

Original poster
2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 12:08

But he has two other pairs. I am having a romantic lunch with someone. I have offered to take them over later on.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 28/12/2023 12:11

Your child wanted their trainers. All you had to say was give me a ring when you arrive and I will pop out with them to the car as I have company.

Tinkerbyebye · 28/12/2023 12:11

It’s your child that wants his trainers so well done for putting your new lady first instead of your child. Let’s hope that doesn’t continue

you could have put the trainers outside the door for them to collect

your kids should be coming first

CapturedLeprechaun · 28/12/2023 12:11

Could you not leave them in a bag outside the door/behind a bin? And then you could just message "no problem - I'm not available right now but have left them hidden in X place for you to collect". The kid wanted his trainers, so seems reasonable for her to message you

Ablondiebutagoody · 28/12/2023 12:12

Couldn't you just leave them outside for her to pick up?

WhateverMate · 28/12/2023 12:13

Why didn't you just put them on the doorstep?

Original poster
2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 12:13

I did offer to do that- she said don’t bother and hung up.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 28/12/2023 12:13

Dc may have two other pairs but mine usually want x pair and no persuading. I don't see the issue popping round to get trainers.

RedHelenB · 28/12/2023 12:15

GabriellaMontez · 28/12/2023 12:07

Your son wants his trainers... he should be allowed to get them. He's your child. It's his home.

It's hard enough for children when there is a situation like this. This isn't a 'boundary' issue.

This You could have left them outside to be picked up.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/12/2023 12:15

You couldn't have walked out to her car and handed them over? It would have taken one minute.

Original poster
2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 12:18

To just clarify- I did offer to leave them outside. She hung up.

OP posts:
HalloweenIsDone · 28/12/2023 12:18

Maybe you've been so reasonable and moved for her before she's gotten used to it and is now miffed you have suddenly said no. Maybe you should explain to her you were on a date and like she has asked you'd love some time to spend uninterrupted.

DocOck · 28/12/2023 12:19

I have my teens 50/50. They are free to come and go as they need to, especially if there's something they want but I understand the desire to have privacy and do expect them to give me a heads up if they are coming but I'd never say no, or if it wasn't going to be convenient I'd drop off what they wanted.

Original poster
2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 12:20

Which is exactly what I did.

OP posts:
Floppyelf · 28/12/2023 12:20

She’s batshit. You’re not her partner or skivvy. You were correct to set boundaries and actually you gave all the alternative options the posters here have suggested and yet she still hung up. She’s selfish, she only wants her alone to move on and you stay as a loveless log to her beck and call. Do not let her damage your relationship with your kids.

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 28/12/2023 12:21

I do agree that you probably could have said yes and then just met them at the door or left them outside. But don't listen to the overblown vitriol that will be flung your way on this board. It's so boring and predictable now.

You won't get any sympathy here I'm afraid OP. If it were the other way around, everyone would be cheering and it would be twisted to say that you were the manipulative, controlling ex husband.

Sounds like your son is not short of trainers and perhaps they could have waited or you could have agreed something. I suspect the tone of it "we're coming over to get them" not " Are you busy?" "are you home?" Got your back up slightly and I don't blame you. I imagine if it were the other way around that is how you would phrase it...respectfully. It's a shame the boundary you set with exw and new partner hasn't been reciprocated but this pattern plays out it all the time. Women is seen as entitled to do what she likes. Man is not. Woman allowed to get the huff about a man moving on and setting boundaries... even if she has got someone else. Man is not. 🙄

Hankunamatata · 28/12/2023 12:21

'we are coming over to your house now as he (my son) wants his other pair of trainers’.
I was actually having lunch with a lady that I have begun dating and said that ‘now is not convenient as I have company. Tomorrow will be fine’.
She slammed the phone down and then sent a text saying ‘Don’t bother I am going to buy some new ones’.'
Can you not see why she hung up. You told her basically to get lost and tomorrow would be fine. You keep dripping in that you said this and that. That's not what you orginally wrote

Original poster
2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 12:21

I did- I offered to put the trainers outside, but she hung up. I explained I had company, but this is what happened.

OP posts:
SecondUsername4me · 28/12/2023 12:21

2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 12:18

To just clarify- I did offer to leave them outside. She hung up.

Interesting that you didn't include this in your opening post.

Original poster
2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 12:22

I should have clarified that- apologies

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 28/12/2023 12:22

You're 50/50 residence. That doesn't mean you stop being a dad for 50 % of the time. Your children have to manage the logistics 100% of the time.

This isn't about your ex wife having boundaries. Its about you not wanting your lunch interrupted. But that's parenthood.