Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex Wife Boundaries

417 replies

2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 11:57

My ex wife and I share 50/50 custody of our children. I tend to have them slightly more than that over Christmas and half terms due to her work schedules (I am not complaining about that- any time that I spend with my kids in a gift). The kids spent Christmas with me and returned to her on Boxing Day.
She has started a relationship with another man (the kids were somewhat resistant to this, but I have been as supportive as I can be-he has even thanked me for this).
My boundary on this are that if the kids are with me, I don’t contact her unless absolutely necessary. She has her life to lead.
Yesterday, I received a call saying ‘we are coming over to your house now as he (my son) wants his other pair of trainers’.
I was actually having lunch with a lady that I have begun dating and said that ‘now is not convenient as I have company. Tomorrow will be fine’.
She slammed the phone down and then sent a text saying ‘Don’t bother I am going to buy some new ones’.
I think she is getting too aggressive here and not respecting boundaries. Or AIBU?

OP posts:
FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 28/12/2023 12:40

StragglyTinsel · 28/12/2023 12:37

Anyone would think the story changed when he realised it wasn’t going his way.

All this first wives nonsense isn’t helpful.
Framing this as some dispute with an ex misses the point. There’s a child who has to try to keep track of stuff between two houses. That’s shit enough without your father deciding his ‘boundary’ is not being in any way available to him outside of designated contact time.

Fair enough if you’re not in or something. But it’s really not that hard to hand something over at your own front door when you are already in.

Show quote history

If it was really about the trainers why was such a huge deal made of it? I'd have said "Leave them at the front door if you can't be disturbed" or something to that effect. Mum clearly doesn't care that much about boy getting his trainers either since she slammed the phone down and said don't bother.

TheShellBeach · 28/12/2023 12:40

ExtraOnions · 28/12/2023 12:39

“Romantic Lunch with a Lady” - can’t read that without hearing the voice of Alan Partridge

I know, it's very 1940s.

StragglyTinsel · 28/12/2023 12:40

ExtraOnions · 28/12/2023 12:39

“Romantic Lunch with a Lady” - can’t read that without hearing the voice of Alan Partridge

I think you could probably read the whole of the OP and subsequent updates in Alan partridge’s voice.

NorthernSpirit · 28/12/2023 12:40

You are NOT being unreasonable and are entitled to eat your lunch in peace & set a boundary.

Of course, the bitter EW’s club won’t agree with this as they can do what they want.

The EW has started a relationship and you have been very supportive. While the kids are with you - you don’t contact her. Yet - she doesn’t afford you the same boundary. You are entitled to the same.

She phoned you, it wasn’t convenient. End of.

She didn’t get her own way, do like a petulant child who didn’t get their own way, she slammed the phone down.

It won’t go your son any harm being with the trainers for a few days. In fact maybe it will teach him a lesson to remember his own things.

You have done nothing wrong. No need to pander to her. I can understand why she’s an ex.

StragglyTinsel · 28/12/2023 12:41

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 28/12/2023 12:40

If it was really about the trainers why was such a huge deal made of it? I'd have said "Leave them at the front door if you can't be disturbed" or something to that effect. Mum clearly doesn't care that much about boy getting his trainers either since she slammed the phone down and said don't bother.

Show quote history

Well both of them are shit parents, aren’t they?

Just because she behaved like an arse, it doesn’t mean he was not also being an arse.

Americansmoothie · 28/12/2023 12:42

2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 12:13

I did offer to do that- she said don’t bother and hung up.

Edited

Hold on a minute, in your OP you said:

I was actually having lunch with a lady that I have begun dating and said that ‘now is not convenient as I have company. Tomorrow will be fine’.

Where in that was there an offer to leave the trainers outside to be picked up, or an offer to run then round later? You've got a bad case of narrative drift here, mate.

Notimeforidiots69 · 28/12/2023 12:42

I'm so sorry for the shitty responses you've had on here... Please don't let it put you off posting, you'll always get the radical feminists chirping up!!!
I think you were well within your rights to try and organise a better time for the trainer collection. You have custody of your kids slightly more, as you've said. So why should your private time be interrupted, when you don't interrupt her time unless it's an emergency?! I think kids also have to learn that they can wait for things, not just snap their fingers and a parent do their bidding! That just teaches them that they can get what they want when they want it and bugger everything else! Good for you for holding out, I'm Team 2ChildDad on this one! 🤗

TheShellBeach · 28/12/2023 12:42

Why did you mention your ex's new bloke in your OP?

What's that got to do with the price of fish?

StragglyTinsel · 28/12/2023 12:44

Let’s just advise the Lady of the Romatic Lunch to run from this shite.

she doesn’t want to waste her time on dating Alan Partridge with his angry ex. Other men are available.

TheShellBeach · 28/12/2023 12:44

Just because she behaved like an arse, it doesn’t mean he was not also being an arse

.........and maybe, just maybe, his ex would have described these events very differently.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 28/12/2023 12:44

Your son should be able to come into his home and get his trainers. He didn’t have to stay and you didn’t have to entertain your ex wife, but he should I have been allowed to enter his home to get his belongings. It was really unreasonable to say no when you were home.

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 28/12/2023 12:45

TheShellBeach · 28/12/2023 12:42

Why did you mention your ex's new bloke in your OP?

What's that got to do with the price of fish?

I'm guessing perhaps highlighting what he perceives as double standards and his suspicion about what her motives were.

Illpickthatup · 28/12/2023 12:45

Oh FFS! So a child wants something so everyone must stop what they are doing because god forbid a child is inconvenienced by not having something they want.

OP has every right to tell his ex now is not a good time. It doesn't matter if he's entertaining a girlfriend or out at the pub with his friends.

TheShellBeach · 28/12/2023 12:46

Illpickthatup · 28/12/2023 12:45

Oh FFS! So a child wants something so everyone must stop what they are doing because god forbid a child is inconvenienced by not having something they want.

OP has every right to tell his ex now is not a good time. It doesn't matter if he's entertaining a girlfriend or out at the pub with his friends.

It does though.
If he was at the pub he wouldn't be at home to give the trainers to his son.

Namerequired · 28/12/2023 12:47

I don’t know why you are getting grief here. How is any different than if you were out of town for the day or something? It’s trainers, not medication.
I assume you are keeping the new partner from
your children for now, especially as they are struggling with mum having a new partner. I think that’s the right thing for the children so don’t see how it’s putting the new partner before them. You are also entitled to a life, and while you are a father 100% of the time, that doesn’t mean you are on the clock (needs/emergencies excluded) 100% of the time.
Is this the 1st ex knows of you dating? She’s maybe concerned how it will affect things. But the fact she hasn’t known is actually a good sign that you haven’t let it affect the kids.

StragglyTinsel · 28/12/2023 12:47

I feel like 70% of the posts started today feel like bad creative writing projects?

In many cases, the kid would just have a key so you’d find him popping in for his trainers unannounced mid Romantic Lunch. That would make a better plot.

The writing tone needs improving though. Unless you want the narrator to be an insufferable arse?

TwoSurfingFrogs · 28/12/2023 12:48

Sorry op, but as a man you will get torn apart on here regardless of what you do.
If you were the mum on the other hand............

Onceuponaheartache · 28/12/2023 12:48

Interesting drip feed to make the exw look unreasonable.

As I day. Would love to hear this from her perspective. Strongly suspect it would be wildly different

KnickerlessParsons · 28/12/2023 12:49

Your lunch can't be that romantic if you're posting on MN at the same time.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 28/12/2023 12:49

Illpickthatup · 28/12/2023 12:45

Oh FFS! So a child wants something so everyone must stop what they are doing because god forbid a child is inconvenienced by not having something they want.

OP has every right to tell his ex now is not a good time. It doesn't matter if he's entertaining a girlfriend or out at the pub with his friends.

If he was out that would be different. He was busy but there’s no reason his sim couldn’t have just run in and got his trainers. It’s his home too after all.

TheShellBeach · 28/12/2023 12:50

Maybe "having a romantic lunch with a new lady" is a euphemism for having a wild time in bed.
That's more likely why the OP didn't want to be disturbed

TheShellBeach · 28/12/2023 12:50

KnickerlessParsons · 28/12/2023 12:49

Your lunch can't be that romantic if you're posting on MN at the same time.

🤣🤣

Eekmystro · 28/12/2023 12:50

People saying to let the son in to get the trainers. Would that not have led to more issues with introducing the date earlier than father might have planned to. If dad was out on a date he wouldn’t be expected to drop and return home immediately, so I don’t see the difference.

Honestly a child waiting a few hours for trainers or grabbing them from outside because their parent is busy is not the end of the world. I’d think that was preferable to introducing a date who may not be long term to a child and everyone feeling awkward.

StragglyTinsel · 28/12/2023 12:51
Hey Girl Flirt GIF by Baby Cow

It always amazed me how keen some MNers are to jump to the defence of any man posting on here.

The poor love is just beset by evil first wives and angry radical feminists.

This gif is live action footage of the Romantic Lunch.

StragglyTinsel · 28/12/2023 12:53

TheShellBeach · 28/12/2023 12:50

Maybe "having a romantic lunch with a new lady" is a euphemism for having a wild time in bed.
That's more likely why the OP didn't want to be disturbed

If he answered the phone mid wild shag, then it’s even worse.

Swipe left for the next trending thread