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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex Wife Boundaries

417 replies

2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 11:57

My ex wife and I share 50/50 custody of our children. I tend to have them slightly more than that over Christmas and half terms due to her work schedules (I am not complaining about that- any time that I spend with my kids in a gift). The kids spent Christmas with me and returned to her on Boxing Day.
She has started a relationship with another man (the kids were somewhat resistant to this, but I have been as supportive as I can be-he has even thanked me for this).
My boundary on this are that if the kids are with me, I don’t contact her unless absolutely necessary. She has her life to lead.
Yesterday, I received a call saying ‘we are coming over to your house now as he (my son) wants his other pair of trainers’.
I was actually having lunch with a lady that I have begun dating and said that ‘now is not convenient as I have company. Tomorrow will be fine’.
She slammed the phone down and then sent a text saying ‘Don’t bother I am going to buy some new ones’.
I think she is getting too aggressive here and not respecting boundaries. Or AIBU?

OP posts:
Beezknees · 29/12/2023 12:05

Summasolstice · 29/12/2023 00:50

So does OP have the right to demand to go to the child's mothers house when she's told him it's not a good time? That's the child's house too

no-one has a right to demand anything. But if the father/ mother were at home and the child wants their own belongings from their own house I’d expect that to be facilitated. I’m in an amenable co-parenting relationship but I feel sorry for a lot of the kids of parents on this thread. Life is hard enough when you have two houses and your parents don’t live together without a lot of the attitude shown here. They’re little kids. Not games to be played

It's not a "little kid" we're talking about though. It's an older child.

Original poster
2ChildDad · 29/12/2023 12:22

LaughingCat · 28/12/2023 13:29

@2ChildDad - let me get this straight, your kid wanted a specific pair of his trainers, but you were having lunch with your potential lady. You offered to leave them on the doorstep. You offered to take them round after your lunch. Or you offered to be in the next day, so your ex could pick them up.

I don’t understand the problem! You aren’t going to drop everything to be available there and then. As a kid, you learn that your parents will do what they can but it won’t always go your way and you might have to compromise.

Please ignore those who are saying you somehow betrayed your son by maintaining a healthy boundary. You gave options to make it work so he could have his trainers, and they weren’t taken. I don’t think you did anything wrong.

Sorry your lunch got a bit ruined!

Turns out, after talking to him on the phone (and to apologise), he didn’t know anything about it. Didn’t want the trainers. Said he had two further pairs.

OP posts:
ivfbabymomma1 · 29/12/2023 13:29

YANBU, Op

Coolhwip · 29/12/2023 13:30

2ChildDad · 29/12/2023 12:22

Turns out, after talking to him on the phone (and to apologise), he didn’t know anything about it. Didn’t want the trainers. Said he had two further pairs.

Show quote history

Ex really is a world class twat. You can now safely treat every word out of her mouth as a lie.

Summasolstice · 29/12/2023 16:36

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Olive19741205 · 29/12/2023 17:03

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Of course you'd say that. You're the one that expects your demands "to be facilitated" at all times. 🙄

Summasolstice · 29/12/2023 17:46

What are you talking about @Olive19741205

LaughingCat · 29/12/2023 18:23

2ChildDad · 29/12/2023 12:22

Turns out, after talking to him on the phone (and to apologise), he didn’t know anything about it. Didn’t want the trainers. Said he had two further pairs.

Show quote history

Holy. Shit.

Erm…not sure what to say about that. I hope you get to find out from your ExW what this has all been about.

LaughingCat · 29/12/2023 18:35

Summasolstice · 29/12/2023 00:50

So does OP have the right to demand to go to the child's mothers house when she's told him it's not a good time? That's the child's house too

no-one has a right to demand anything. But if the father/ mother were at home and the child wants their own belongings from their own house I’d expect that to be facilitated. I’m in an amenable co-parenting relationship but I feel sorry for a lot of the kids of parents on this thread. Life is hard enough when you have two houses and your parents don’t live together without a lot of the attitude shown here. They’re little kids. Not games to be played

But it was facilitated - the OP offered to leave the trainers outside their front door for the ExW to pick up. Is it other posters that you’re disagreeing with? (I’m losing the thread here 😂).

HootyMcBoob · 29/12/2023 19:07

Olive19741205 · 29/12/2023 17:03

Of course you'd say that. You're the one that expects your demands "to be facilitated" at all times. 🙄

Show quote history

It's clear that @Summasolstice is desperately trying to save face after being humiliated in this thread. 😂

Eleganz · 29/12/2023 19:18

2ChildDad · 29/12/2023 12:22

Turns out, after talking to him on the phone (and to apologise), he didn’t know anything about it. Didn’t want the trainers. Said he had two further pairs.

Show quote history

That's quite sad isn't it? Have you been on the dating scene long? Is this particular woman you are dating getting a bit more serious than previous ones?

Summasolstice · 29/12/2023 20:38

@HootyMcBoob that’s a lame and mean attempt at bullying. All I’ve posted about is to think of things from the child’s POV as this is a hard situation for them.

Why on earth would I be humiliated from this thread?

And why did you feel the need to post that?

Needsomesupport84 · 29/12/2023 21:34

Summasolstice · 29/12/2023 20:38

@HootyMcBoob that’s a lame and mean attempt at bullying. All I’ve posted about is to think of things from the child’s POV as this is a hard situation for them.

Why on earth would I be humiliated from this thread?

And why did you feel the need to post that?

Child didn't give a crap though and most kids would be fine with wearing a different pair/getting their shoes later on. Was very clear that ex was being manipulative and trying to pry. I've had experience of this as have many others on this thread. Abusive/gaslighting people don't stop acting like that just because you end the relationship. They will continue to try to control you for as long as they can and messing up your dating life gives them a lot of pleasure.

Summasolstice · 29/12/2023 21:52

@Needsomesupport84 to be honest none of us know the true story, apart from op and his ex. I was just trying to stand up for the kids in the scenario. I stand by that. Sorry if you’ve experienced abusive relationships that’s never ok.

Olive19741205 · 29/12/2023 22:08

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HootyMcBoob · 29/12/2023 22:12

Summasolstice · 29/12/2023 20:38

@HootyMcBoob that’s a lame and mean attempt at bullying. All I’ve posted about is to think of things from the child’s POV as this is a hard situation for them.

Why on earth would I be humiliated from this thread?

And why did you feel the need to post that?

It most definitely wasn't an attempt at bullying. It was a reference to your flippant "cool story, bro" after your insistance that the OP should be more accommodating to the EW every time she clicks her fingers, when it
transpired that the DC didn't need the trainers, after all.

Summasolstice · 29/12/2023 22:21

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Summasolstice · 29/12/2023 22:25

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Olive19741205 · 29/12/2023 22:27

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Stop with the patronising "chill out" shit. It's true. I really can't stand people like you. I'm absolutely entitled to feel like that. Your comments are so so so predictable. From calling people bullies to then telling folks to "chill out" when you're called out on YOUR bullying and nasty comments and now you're saying the OP just made up the whole scenario. Bloody hell. You really hate being wrong don't you.

Olive19741205 · 29/12/2023 22:29

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No absolutely not. Oh who needs to chill out now 😂You're very rattled. Do you always behave like this when you're called out on your nasty behaviour. Do you often call people shit parents and then scream bully?

CandyLeBonBon · 29/12/2023 22:33

@Summasolstice you basically told a load of parents on here that if we don't think like you we're shit parents and that you feel sorry for our kids.

If you think the op isn't genuine, report him to @MNHQ

But youve made it clear that your way is the only way which is highly inflammatory. Not sure what response you expected tbh.

And saying 'but I was just thinking of the kids' really doesn't wash!

Olive19741205 · 29/12/2023 22:34

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I predict a long list of my previous comments now...textbook. 3,2,1

Original poster
2ChildDad · 29/12/2023 22:37

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I assure you that this was true. I made a mistake in not putting in originally that I had offered to put the trainers out in a bag. I have apologised for that. There was no ulterior motive, just me being clumsy. I have found it hard to lay down boundaries with my ex-wife and I just posted to get another perspective, of which I have had several. Thank you for your thoughts and I hope you have a Happy New Year.

OP posts:
Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 29/12/2023 22:56

No she over stepped the mark .
You should be allowed to entertain /date for whatever you like in your own home at ease .
You did your parenting it was her turn and she should have realised why she couldn’t just turn up once she had spoken to you .
Obviously if and when you are ready then you would tell the kids this is not your exes choice to make

F it was me I’d have made an excuse on your behalf so not to make the kids suspicious .

Summasolstice · 29/12/2023 22:57

I predict a long list of my previous comments now...textbook. 3,2,1

I guess people call you out a lot then? @Olive19741205