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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex Wife Boundaries

417 replies

2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 11:57

My ex wife and I share 50/50 custody of our children. I tend to have them slightly more than that over Christmas and half terms due to her work schedules (I am not complaining about that- any time that I spend with my kids in a gift). The kids spent Christmas with me and returned to her on Boxing Day.
She has started a relationship with another man (the kids were somewhat resistant to this, but I have been as supportive as I can be-he has even thanked me for this).
My boundary on this are that if the kids are with me, I don’t contact her unless absolutely necessary. She has her life to lead.
Yesterday, I received a call saying ‘we are coming over to your house now as he (my son) wants his other pair of trainers’.
I was actually having lunch with a lady that I have begun dating and said that ‘now is not convenient as I have company. Tomorrow will be fine’.
She slammed the phone down and then sent a text saying ‘Don’t bother I am going to buy some new ones’.
I think she is getting too aggressive here and not respecting boundaries. Or AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 13:34

CandyLeBonBon · 28/12/2023 13:24

It doesn't on the surface of it seem you were doing anything wrong but I have to ask - where was this romantic lunch taking place? At your house with dc there? Or were you out with your date and dc was at home?

I think if you were having a romantic lunch at with a relatively new date whilst dc was there, that might flavour her response?

Can you clarify OP? Not sure what the situation was?

It was taking place at my house. I had told my ex that I had a couple of dates with this new lady on Christmas Day (she comes round to open presents with the kids). I hadn’t said when, but that it was happening this week.
This isn’t the first time this has happened. I have had to have a former girlfriend hide in the lounge when my ex bought my son over crying saying ‘sort him out’ after banging on the door after she had an argument with him. I calmed him down and took him to his room, while my girlfriend made a discrete exit and he spent the night here.
I left out that I had offered to leave the shoes outside in the original post. I have apologised and clarified.

OP posts:
Cockapoo1211 · 28/12/2023 13:35

OP I applaud you 👏

Coolhwip · 28/12/2023 13:36

NewNameNigel · 28/12/2023 13:34

Hilariously I once mentioned on a thread that DSD had popped back to her mums for something (this is DSD not DP) and I got lambasted because this is mums free time and we should have a replica wardrobe here. Even though DSD was 14 at the time and has made the arrangements herself with her mum this was my fault

Edited
Show quote history

Exactly! I’ve seen the same time and time again.

I am a feminist and the step mum hate / first wife love on this forum is on another level.

OneTC · 28/12/2023 13:36

StragglyTinsel · 28/12/2023 13:09

Do you always play the victim too?

Us meanies noting that ‘I told her tomorrow would be fine (because boundaries) and she said she’d buy new ones and hung up’ is in no way the same as ‘I offered to leave the outside but that wasn’t good enough for the nasty cow’. Thats not leaving a detail out; its a different tale.

No one said you needed to invite them in for lunch and make introductions. Just give the kid the shoes.

Or just say you weren’t in. There’s no need to make a big fuss about how you are having a new lady-friend over for lunch and tomorrow will be fine for the shoes. Just as ‘sorry. I’m not in, but I could drop them round later’ would diffuse the situation.

Show quote history

Yeah OP why didn't you just lie?

Coolhwip · 28/12/2023 13:36

Cockapoo1211 · 28/12/2023 13:35

OP I applaud you 👏

Seconded 👏👏

Coolhwip · 28/12/2023 13:37

2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 13:34

It was taking place at my house. I had told my ex that I had a couple of dates with this new lady on Christmas Day (she comes round to open presents with the kids). I hadn’t said when, but that it was happening this week.
This isn’t the first time this has happened. I have had to have a former girlfriend hide in the lounge when my ex bought my son over crying saying ‘sort him out’ after banging on the door after she had an argument with him. I calmed him down and took him to his room, while my girlfriend made a discrete exit and he spent the night here.
I left out that I had offered to leave the shoes outside in the original post. I have apologised and clarified.

Show quote history

It was pretty obvious that your ex resents you moving on even though she has moved on.

Keep enforcing your boundaries.

CandyLeBonBon · 28/12/2023 13:37

@2ChildDad how many dates have you had - how long have you been seeing her? Sounds pretty soon to be playing happy families - especially as you have 50% of the time available for dating.

The trainers thing is a red herring I think? I imagine the trainers is a mask for the fact that she's upset you've possibly introduced your dc to a very early-days relationship too soon?

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 28/12/2023 13:38

NewNameNigel · 28/12/2023 13:34

Hilariously I once mentioned on a thread that DSD had popped back to her mums for something (this is DSD not DP) and I got lambasted because this is mums free time and we should have a replica wardrobe here. Even though DSD was 14 at the time and has made the arrangements herself with her mum this was my fault

Edited
Show quote history

Sounds about right!! Fit the story to the angle that suits the agenda. 😂 Zero self awareness, lots of rage.

Coolhwip · 28/12/2023 13:39

CandyLeBonBon · 28/12/2023 13:37

@2ChildDad how many dates have you had - how long have you been seeing her? Sounds pretty soon to be playing happy families - especially as you have 50% of the time available for dating.

The trainers thing is a red herring I think? I imagine the trainers is a mask for the fact that she's upset you've possibly introduced your dc to a very early-days relationship too soon?

Have you read that ex introduced her kids to her boyfriend so quickly that the kids got upset?

Or have you conveniently glossed over that?

OP is trying to avoid that by not introducing his kids to the woman so soon.

Summasolstice · 28/12/2023 13:39

That’s a change of story. At first you said ‘tomorrow will be fine’ then you backtracked and offered to leave them outside, bring to car or drop round later. Which sounds like you’re lying.

I’m Divorced 50/50 and we’re often popping in to pick up child’s stuff. It’s not their fault you’re making them live across two homes - you should make it easy for them not harder. Sounds like you just wanted a show off.

TheShellBeach · 28/12/2023 13:39

I left out that I had offered to leave the shoes outside in the original post

Why though?
Why leave pertinent details out, and include all kinds of extraneous crap about your ex's new bloke?

Any time I have with my children is a gift

Except when you're entertaining a lady and your little boy needs his shoes.

Wristfolds · 28/12/2023 13:39

You told your Exw you were dating on Christmas Day while your kids opened gifts?

It may have been more discreet to text this information at a less sensitive time and give her privacy to process it.

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 28/12/2023 13:40

CandyLeBonBon · 28/12/2023 13:37

@2ChildDad how many dates have you had - how long have you been seeing her? Sounds pretty soon to be playing happy families - especially as you have 50% of the time available for dating.

The trainers thing is a red herring I think? I imagine the trainers is a mask for the fact that she's upset you've possibly introduced your dc to a very early-days relationship too soon?

How is seeing someone and not introducing them to the kids straightaway 'playing happy families?' This is a very confusing take on the situation. I'd say he is being cautious by not introducing this person straightaway?

Illpickthatup · 28/12/2023 13:42

2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 13:34

It was taking place at my house. I had told my ex that I had a couple of dates with this new lady on Christmas Day (she comes round to open presents with the kids). I hadn’t said when, but that it was happening this week.
This isn’t the first time this has happened. I have had to have a former girlfriend hide in the lounge when my ex bought my son over crying saying ‘sort him out’ after banging on the door after she had an argument with him. I calmed him down and took him to his room, while my girlfriend made a discrete exit and he spent the night here.
I left out that I had offered to leave the shoes outside in the original post. I have apologised and clarified.

Show quote history

Sounds like you absolutely need boundaries with this women. To be fair, I don't know why you even told her you had a date that's none of her business. Going forward, just keep your private life private until you're at the point of introducing someone to the kids.

LAMPS1 · 28/12/2023 13:42

You are a father first and foremost.
It’s not just your home, it’s the children’s home too.
Dating in this situation is tricky but your date needs to understand fully, who you are.
Your DS needed his trainers. I think you could have said ‘ok, sure’ and nipped out to the car with them or even let him in to get them and introduce him to your friend. Why make a thing of it.
Or is there a back story of your ex not wanting you to move on ?

Original poster
2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 13:43

Wristfolds · 28/12/2023 13:39

You told your Exw you were dating on Christmas Day while your kids opened gifts?

It may have been more discreet to text this information at a less sensitive time and give her privacy to process it.

It was not when we were opening gifts. She came around for gift opening and we discussed how things were going later. Not the sort of thing to be discussing in front of kids.

OP posts:
blackpanth · 28/12/2023 13:44

Yanbu

Beckafett · 28/12/2023 13:45

@2ChildDad I totally agree with your view on this. However like others have said you will never 'win' on here as lots of people who have never been in your situation will comment and try and trip you up.

CandyLeBonBon · 28/12/2023 13:45

@Coolhwip the op states she's in a relationship but I can't read anywhere that the dc was upset because they were introduced early? Where does he write that?

No I'm not glossing over anything - the only reference I can see to the ex wife's relationship is this: She has started a relationship with another man (the kids were somewhat resistant to this, but I have been as supportive as I can be-he has even thanked me for this).

Obviously if I've missed something I'm happy to be corrected.

Original poster
2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 13:45

Summasolstice · 28/12/2023 13:39

That’s a change of story. At first you said ‘tomorrow will be fine’ then you backtracked and offered to leave them outside, bring to car or drop round later. Which sounds like you’re lying.

I’m Divorced 50/50 and we’re often popping in to pick up child’s stuff. It’s not their fault you’re making them live across two homes - you should make it easy for them not harder. Sounds like you just wanted a show off.

I have clarified that I did offer to leave the trainers outside. I am not trying to ‘show off’ in any way.

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 28/12/2023 13:46

Apologies @2ChildDad I misread your op and thought your dc was with you whilst you were having lunch. My mistake!

OneTC · 28/12/2023 13:46

CandyLeBonBon · 28/12/2023 13:45

@Coolhwip the op states she's in a relationship but I can't read anywhere that the dc was upset because they were introduced early? Where does he write that?

No I'm not glossing over anything - the only reference I can see to the ex wife's relationship is this: She has started a relationship with another man (the kids were somewhat resistant to this, but I have been as supportive as I can be-he has even thanked me for this).

Obviously if I've missed something I'm happy to be corrected.

First 5 lines of the OP?

Hadjab · 28/12/2023 13:48

StragglyTinsel · 28/12/2023 12:39

You wouldn’t have to introduce anyone to hand over some trainers at the doorstep.

Why are you banging on about your ex’s new relationship as if it’s relevant here?

And why do the men that post on MN so often have the same supercilious tone?

Show quote history

Do they, or do you read it with a supercilious tone because they are men?

auntiesatthere · 28/12/2023 13:48

Oh well perhaps your ex has now realised that she can't just say she's coming over now to get X,Y and Z she needs to check it ok. Yes it's your child's home but you had a woman there and it's too soon to introduce this woman to your child, you offered to leave them outside she didn't want that, you offered to nip them by later on. It's tough cookies for her and yes your child has every right to have their trainers abut waiting until after lunch is not exactly the end of the world

OhmygodDont · 28/12/2023 13:48

You should have answered it with the I’ll pop them on the step as I’m currently doing something or just declared you was out and it wasn’t possible. Unless child has a key.

You say your ex didn’t know you was having a date that day so it’s not like she was deliberately trying to crash your thing.