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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex Wife Boundaries

417 replies

2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 11:57

My ex wife and I share 50/50 custody of our children. I tend to have them slightly more than that over Christmas and half terms due to her work schedules (I am not complaining about that- any time that I spend with my kids in a gift). The kids spent Christmas with me and returned to her on Boxing Day.
She has started a relationship with another man (the kids were somewhat resistant to this, but I have been as supportive as I can be-he has even thanked me for this).
My boundary on this are that if the kids are with me, I don’t contact her unless absolutely necessary. She has her life to lead.
Yesterday, I received a call saying ‘we are coming over to your house now as he (my son) wants his other pair of trainers’.
I was actually having lunch with a lady that I have begun dating and said that ‘now is not convenient as I have company. Tomorrow will be fine’.
She slammed the phone down and then sent a text saying ‘Don’t bother I am going to buy some new ones’.
I think she is getting too aggressive here and not respecting boundaries. Or AIBU?

OP posts:
ExtraOnions · 28/12/2023 12:53

Radical Feminists… know your place

Wristfolds · 28/12/2023 12:55

Had your EW particularly asked for you not to contact her when the kids are with you? Seems you may have assumed she shares your preferences when she might not.

if it’s your first romance since the split I’d have just said I was out/popping out but would leave them in the porch.

How romantic can a lunch be?! Are you being euphemistic for mid afternoon sex 😅 we are all grown ups it’s fine to do that on your own time…

Original poster
2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 12:55

Namerequired · 28/12/2023 12:47

I don’t know why you are getting grief here. How is any different than if you were out of town for the day or something? It’s trainers, not medication.
I assume you are keeping the new partner from
your children for now, especially as they are struggling with mum having a new partner. I think that’s the right thing for the children so don’t see how it’s putting the new partner before them. You are also entitled to a life, and while you are a father 100% of the time, that doesn’t mean you are on the clock (needs/emergencies excluded) 100% of the time.
Is this the 1st ex knows of you dating? She’s maybe concerned how it will affect things. But the fact she hasn’t known is actually a good sign that you haven’t let it affect the kids.

I feel absolutely terrible for posting.
I am trying to protect my kids as much as possible. I don’t want them to meet someone that I am just dating after seeing how it affected them after their experience with their Mum’s new boyfriend (who is a really nice bloke). I left out some stuff on the original post, which I have clarified, but have been accused of ‘narrative drift’.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 28/12/2023 12:55

Americansmoothie · 28/12/2023 12:42

Hold on a minute, in your OP you said:

I was actually having lunch with a lady that I have begun dating and said that ‘now is not convenient as I have company. Tomorrow will be fine’.

Where in that was there an offer to leave the trainers outside to be picked up, or an offer to run then round later? You've got a bad case of narrative drift here, mate.

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😂😂😂😂

Original poster
2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 12:56

TheShellBeach · 28/12/2023 12:50

🤣🤣

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It was yesterday

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 28/12/2023 12:58

I'm astonished at some of these replies. If your were out doing an activity with your DC and one child decided the 2 pairs of trainers they had were not good enough and they wanted another pair which were at home, would you abandon the activity to go and fetch the other trainers immediately?

Wooloohooloo · 28/12/2023 12:59

I think when you have 50/50 contact it sort of necessitates frequent contact. There's no love lost between my ex and I but we have almost daily civil exchanges about DD and try to be as flexible as we can with each other as it benefits both of us.

Hankunamatata · 28/12/2023 13:00

Whataretheodds · 28/12/2023 12:58

I'm astonished at some of these replies. If your were out doing an activity with your DC and one child decided the 2 pairs of trainers they had were not good enough and they wanted another pair which were at home, would you abandon the activity to go and fetch the other trainers immediately?

My dc have different trainers for different stuff. So trainers for sports, trainers that can get trashed when playing and fancy trainers for going out (or teen dc posing)

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 28/12/2023 13:01

TheShellBeach · 28/12/2023 12:44

Just because she behaved like an arse, it doesn’t mean he was not also being an arse

.........and maybe, just maybe, his ex would have described these events very differently.

I have no doubt she would describe a lot of things about all this differently. 😂

AlwaysWearSPF · 28/12/2023 13:02

Hankunamatata · 28/12/2023 12:11

Your child wanted their trainers. All you had to say was give me a ring when you arrive and I will pop out with them to the car as I have company.

He was having lunch. You can't just pop over they are no longer together and she should know better if it's not a good time then come back another time.

Dotcheck · 28/12/2023 13:03

Hankunamatata · 28/12/2023 12:11

Your child wanted their trainers. All you had to say was give me a ring when you arrive and I will pop out with them to the car as I have company.

This. You made it unnecessarily difficult

Whataretheodds · 28/12/2023 13:04

Hankunamatata · 28/12/2023 13:00

My dc have different trainers for different stuff. So trainers for sports, trainers that can get trashed when playing and fancy trainers for going out (or teen dc posing)

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I get that. I do too. But I'm baffled by the posters who seem to think that not dropping everything to provide the correct pair of shoes within a few hours means you don't care about your kids.

LadyBird1973 · 28/12/2023 13:04

Don't feel bad for posting. You haven't done anything wrong. No child ever died from having to wear alternative trainers for a day!
As a parent, you are still a person and entitled to make plans that don't involve accommodating every whim your child or ex wife has, at any given moment.
I'm still married to the father of my children and I'd not want to be interrupted if we were having a romantic lunch and the kids were meant to be elsewhere!
Your kids were with their mum, as they were supposed to be and she doesn't have a right to demand access to you or your house whenever it suits her - I completely understand not wanting them on the doorstep before you are ready to introduce them to a potential new partner.

Willyoujustbequiet · 28/12/2023 13:04

GabriellaMontez · 28/12/2023 12:07

Your son wants his trainers... he should be allowed to get them. He's your child. It's his home.

It's hard enough for children when there is a situation like this. This isn't a 'boundary' issue.

This.

Not sure why you are putting a lunch date before your son.

AlwaysWearSPF · 28/12/2023 13:06

Tinkerbyebye · 28/12/2023 12:11

It’s your child that wants his trainers so well done for putting your new lady first instead of your child. Let’s hope that doesn’t continue

you could have put the trainers outside the door for them to collect

your kids should be coming first

They are trainers and like OP said he has another pair. He's not putting a lady first he had company, his son isn't going to die if he doesn't have them right then! He could have dropped them down later that day. They are separated and boundaries are healthy to have for the children and parents.

SpaghettiSauceOnTheCarpet · 28/12/2023 13:06

Probably have a chat with ExW and son in a few days to calm things down going forward and set boundaries then. It was a pair of trainers that DS left not medication, what would they have done if you were out? Of course you could have left them in a bag outside but DS might have realised you were in and gotten upset at being shut out as you favoured your date. Try not to view this as a massive deal move forward in the right way for you and DS.

Hankunamatata · 28/12/2023 13:07

Whataretheodds · 28/12/2023 13:04

I get that. I do too. But I'm baffled by the posters who seem to think that not dropping everything to provide the correct pair of shoes within a few hours means you don't care about your kids.

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Suppose we don't know ex plans, perhaps they were heading out for lunch or doing a family thing and needed trainers that didn't look like they had been trashed. Literally heading out the door when realised dc left trainers at dad's

In orginal post the dad said they could wait until tomorrow an abrupt manner then a drip that he did offer ect.

Surely this is just a normal bump in co parent relationship?

AlwaysWearSPF · 28/12/2023 13:09

2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 12:21

I did- I offered to put the trainers outside, but she hung up. I explained I had company, but this is what happened.

You did nothing wrong there's a lot of unreasonable people throwing shade your way. You both have set healthy boundaries and she just didn't stick to them that day.

Illpickthatup · 28/12/2023 13:09

TheShellBeach · 28/12/2023 12:46

It does though.
If he was at the pub he wouldn't be at home to give the trainers to his son.

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It's his own personal time. What if he was in the middle of more than lunch and suddenly his kid's at the door or the ex looking for trainers. He should be allowed to do what he wants in his own time without having to worry about being interrupted. The same courtesy he's afforded to his ex.

My DH's ex is a horror show and if I knew she was dropping by the house for something I wouldn't be able to relax.

It's wasn't an emergency, the child isn't going to die because he got a pair of trainers the following day. OP did the right thing pushing back. If he doesn't hold his boundaries there's a chance the ex will continue to push and push until suddenly there's a daily excuse for popping by his house. The child is living between 2 homes and as unfair or hard as that may be, that's his reality and he needs to learn that if he wants to have something he needs to remember to take it from the other house when he leaves.

AlwaysWearSPF · 28/12/2023 13:09

Coolhwip · 28/12/2023 12:24

YANBU, OP, you did nothing wrong. Just be warned there are a whole bunch of First Wives on this forum who are anti step mum and pro First Wife to the point First Wife can do no wrong, no matter how twatty she is.

You can safely ignore them.

Glad I'm not the only one who thinks this!

StragglyTinsel · 28/12/2023 13:09

2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 12:55

I feel absolutely terrible for posting.
I am trying to protect my kids as much as possible. I don’t want them to meet someone that I am just dating after seeing how it affected them after their experience with their Mum’s new boyfriend (who is a really nice bloke). I left out some stuff on the original post, which I have clarified, but have been accused of ‘narrative drift’.

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Do you always play the victim too?

Us meanies noting that ‘I told her tomorrow would be fine (because boundaries) and she said she’d buy new ones and hung up’ is in no way the same as ‘I offered to leave the outside but that wasn’t good enough for the nasty cow’. Thats not leaving a detail out; its a different tale.

No one said you needed to invite them in for lunch and make introductions. Just give the kid the shoes.

Or just say you weren’t in. There’s no need to make a big fuss about how you are having a new lady-friend over for lunch and tomorrow will be fine for the shoes. Just as ‘sorry. I’m not in, but I could drop them round later’ would diffuse the situation.

MikeRafone · 28/12/2023 13:09

Tinkerbyebye · 28/12/2023 12:11

It’s your child that wants his trainers so well done for putting your new lady first instead of your child. Let’s hope that doesn’t continue

you could have put the trainers outside the door for them to collect

your kids should be coming first

you're not going to cancel a date just because your ds who has two pairs of trainers at his mums house, wants to collect the trainers at his dads house.

Keeping dating away from dc in the early stages is very sensible, adults are allowed to relax at home in their own place with a date, without dc making demands and everything having to be cancelled

in fact its good for dc to know that adult parents do have a life outside of them.

having a date at home is not putting your date before your dc, its life and parents are allowed one

Bestyearever2024 · 28/12/2023 13:10

2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 12:55

I feel absolutely terrible for posting.
I am trying to protect my kids as much as possible. I don’t want them to meet someone that I am just dating after seeing how it affected them after their experience with their Mum’s new boyfriend (who is a really nice bloke). I left out some stuff on the original post, which I have clarified, but have been accused of ‘narrative drift’.

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Good lord! The child didn't have to MEET anyone. Calm the fuck down.

Trainers. In bag. By door. Close door.

The fact that ex wife didn't agree to this is because you were so high handed and dismissive at the outset

Tooshytoshine · 28/12/2023 13:10

You weren't unreasonable.

You were not with your kids and they had shoes.

Hope you enjoyed your lunch.

Wristfolds · 28/12/2023 13:10

Christ on a bike… Rights, Entitlements, Boundaries… this sounds toxic AF. Not sure 50:50 is in these kids’ best interests if mum saying ‘hey I’m passing and realised our son left something, you in?’ Is honestly getting you invoking your entitlements.

There are numerous other civil, polite, even warm or apologetic responses you might have made beyond the passive aggressive 3rd person ‘Tomorrow will be fine’ (clue: for whom?!)