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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex Wife Boundaries

417 replies

2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 11:57

My ex wife and I share 50/50 custody of our children. I tend to have them slightly more than that over Christmas and half terms due to her work schedules (I am not complaining about that- any time that I spend with my kids in a gift). The kids spent Christmas with me and returned to her on Boxing Day.
She has started a relationship with another man (the kids were somewhat resistant to this, but I have been as supportive as I can be-he has even thanked me for this).
My boundary on this are that if the kids are with me, I don’t contact her unless absolutely necessary. She has her life to lead.
Yesterday, I received a call saying ‘we are coming over to your house now as he (my son) wants his other pair of trainers’.
I was actually having lunch with a lady that I have begun dating and said that ‘now is not convenient as I have company. Tomorrow will be fine’.
She slammed the phone down and then sent a text saying ‘Don’t bother I am going to buy some new ones’.
I think she is getting too aggressive here and not respecting boundaries. Or AIBU?

OP posts:
Floppyelf · 28/12/2023 12:23

To all the users throwing unsubstantiated vitriol at the OP… you only evidence why you’re an ex partner when you project your own issues on an anonymous forum.

StragglyTinsel · 28/12/2023 12:24

The thing about your romantic lunch with a lady is that you still are a father. Sometimes kids will interrupt stuff and any woman in a relationship with you will need to understand that.

My DS is always dropping by to get X, Y and Z when he’s at his dad’s. It’s his stuff. It’s hard enough having to live between two parents without but being able to get your best trainers because you left them at the other parent’s house.

You setting this ‘boundary’ isn’t going to be very fair on your DS. Tomorrow may be fine for you, but he can’t wear his trainers today.

Given your ex’s reaction do you invoke ‘boundaries’ like this regularly that mean she has to manage upset children or buy replacements.

Coolhwip · 28/12/2023 12:24

YANBU, OP, you did nothing wrong. Just be warned there are a whole bunch of First Wives on this forum who are anti step mum and pro First Wife to the point First Wife can do no wrong, no matter how twatty she is.

You can safely ignore them.

Coolhwip · 28/12/2023 12:25

StragglyTinsel · 28/12/2023 12:24

The thing about your romantic lunch with a lady is that you still are a father. Sometimes kids will interrupt stuff and any woman in a relationship with you will need to understand that.

My DS is always dropping by to get X, Y and Z when he’s at his dad’s. It’s his stuff. It’s hard enough having to live between two parents without but being able to get your best trainers because you left them at the other parent’s house.

You setting this ‘boundary’ isn’t going to be very fair on your DS. Tomorrow may be fine for you, but he can’t wear his trainers today.

Given your ex’s reaction do you invoke ‘boundaries’ like this regularly that mean she has to manage upset children or buy replacements.

It’s his stuff but the son can take them outside the house.

The ex clearly wanted an excuse to interrupt her ex and barge in.

Eekmystro · 28/12/2023 12:25

YANBU - it’s a fair boundary to have and you held it well. I’d just leave it and let it go, don’t rise to her behaviour. The thing with boundaries is that by their very nature they sometimes need to be enforced.

GabriellaMontez · 28/12/2023 12:28

StragglyTinsel · 28/12/2023 12:24

The thing about your romantic lunch with a lady is that you still are a father. Sometimes kids will interrupt stuff and any woman in a relationship with you will need to understand that.

My DS is always dropping by to get X, Y and Z when he’s at his dad’s. It’s his stuff. It’s hard enough having to live between two parents without but being able to get your best trainers because you left them at the other parent’s house.

You setting this ‘boundary’ isn’t going to be very fair on your DS. Tomorrow may be fine for you, but he can’t wear his trainers today.

Given your ex’s reaction do you invoke ‘boundaries’ like this regularly that mean she has to manage upset children or buy replacements.

The term 'boundary' has become very well used. Sadly, regularly with a quite different meaning to its original.

Bestyearever2024 · 28/12/2023 12:28

Your child should have access to their property at any time

That doesn't mean your child should have access to YOU 24/7/365

You simply leave the child's property in an available place

I expect your ex-wife got annoyed because you said 'tomorrow' as an initial response, which isn't fair to your child

Pineapplewaves · 28/12/2023 12:28

Your ex asked if she could call round to collect something, you said that now was not convenient but you could drop the item round later - nothing wrong with your response. I wouldn't be dropping everything if my DS wanted something from my house during his DF's time either.

Your ex slamming the phone down and going into huff makes me think she didn't really want the trainers? Did she know you were having a new girlfriend round?

StragglyTinsel · 28/12/2023 12:29

2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 12:21

I did- I offered to put the trainers outside, but she hung up. I explained I had company, but this is what happened.

You apparently said ‘tomorrow will be fine’, which is both condescending and passive aggressive. That’s quite different to ‘I’ll leave them outside’ or even just handing them over to your DS at the door.

You started your OP with two paragraphs of irrelevant information about your ex’s new relationship. Why was that? it’s got nothing to do with you being annoyed your date was interrupted.

Is that annoying? Yes. Absolutely. But it’s actually about your son not your ex. Just give the boy his trainers next time.

Pineapplewaves · 28/12/2023 12:29

Coolhwip · 28/12/2023 12:24

YANBU, OP, you did nothing wrong. Just be warned there are a whole bunch of First Wives on this forum who are anti step mum and pro First Wife to the point First Wife can do no wrong, no matter how twatty she is.

You can safely ignore them.

Agree!

GabriellaMontez · 28/12/2023 12:29

2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 12:21

I did- I offered to put the trainers outside, but she hung up. I explained I had company, but this is what happened.

Oh wow. Just seen this update. Quite different from the OP.

Eekmystro · 28/12/2023 12:29

How old are your children op?

Azandme · 28/12/2023 12:31

I'd have handed them over at the door.

This is my dd's home, as is her dad's house. I would NEVER refuse my child access to her home. What sort of message does that send?

DisforDarkChocolate · 28/12/2023 12:31

GabriellaMontez · 28/12/2023 12:07

Your son wants his trainers... he should be allowed to get them. He's your child. It's his home.

It's hard enough for children when there is a situation like this. This isn't a 'boundary' issue.

I agree. All the OP had to do was meet them at the door with the trainers.

Eekmystro · 28/12/2023 12:32

Azandme · 28/12/2023 12:31

I'd have handed them over at the door.

This is my dd's home, as is her dad's house. I would NEVER refuse my child access to her home. What sort of message does that send?

What if the child then wants to come in. He then has to introduce the date to his child.

User1343 · 28/12/2023 12:33

Aw bless him, poor kid. It’s his house, his trainers, he wanted those particular ones. It’s not his fault he doesn’t have the right ones with him at all times, like he would if he had one home.

Put your feelings about your ex and this new lady to one side and let your kid come collect anything he wants/needs whenever he wants. Or even better, take it to him.

Original poster
2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 12:33

Yes, she did.

OP posts:
Original poster
2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 12:35

Which is what I didn’t want to happen. My ex introduced her new boyfriend to them very bluntly and it caused problems for several months, which I helped smooth over. Her new boyfriend thanked me for this.

OP posts:
Coolhwip · 28/12/2023 12:36

2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 12:33

Yes, she did.

It’s not clear what you’re replying to. Hit ‘Quote’ on the post you want to reply to.

StragglyTinsel · 28/12/2023 12:37

GabriellaMontez · 28/12/2023 12:29

Oh wow. Just seen this update. Quite different from the OP.

Show quote history

Anyone would think the story changed when he realised it wasn’t going his way.

All this first wives nonsense isn’t helpful.
Framing this as some dispute with an ex misses the point. There’s a child who has to try to keep track of stuff between two houses. That’s shit enough without your father deciding his ‘boundary’ is not being in any way available to him outside of designated contact time.

Fair enough if you’re not in or something. But it’s really not that hard to hand something over at your own front door when you are already in.

TheShellBeach · 28/12/2023 12:37

2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 12:33

Yes, she did.

Can you please stop randomly posting without quoting the person to whom you're replying?
The thread doesn't make sense otherwise.

TheShellBeach · 28/12/2023 12:39

2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 12:35

Which is what I didn’t want to happen. My ex introduced her new boyfriend to them very bluntly and it caused problems for several months, which I helped smooth over. Her new boyfriend thanked me for this.

What is what you didn't want to happen?
Use the quote function please.

ExtraOnions · 28/12/2023 12:39

“Romantic Lunch with a Lady” - can’t read that without hearing the voice of Alan Partridge

StragglyTinsel · 28/12/2023 12:39

2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 12:35

Which is what I didn’t want to happen. My ex introduced her new boyfriend to them very bluntly and it caused problems for several months, which I helped smooth over. Her new boyfriend thanked me for this.

You wouldn’t have to introduce anyone to hand over some trainers at the doorstep.

Why are you banging on about your ex’s new relationship as if it’s relevant here?

And why do the men that post on MN so often have the same supercilious tone?

TheShellBeach · 28/12/2023 12:40

Anyone would think the story changed when he realised it wasn’t going his way

🤣🤣