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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex Wife Boundaries

417 replies

2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 11:57

My ex wife and I share 50/50 custody of our children. I tend to have them slightly more than that over Christmas and half terms due to her work schedules (I am not complaining about that- any time that I spend with my kids in a gift). The kids spent Christmas with me and returned to her on Boxing Day.
She has started a relationship with another man (the kids were somewhat resistant to this, but I have been as supportive as I can be-he has even thanked me for this).
My boundary on this are that if the kids are with me, I don’t contact her unless absolutely necessary. She has her life to lead.
Yesterday, I received a call saying ‘we are coming over to your house now as he (my son) wants his other pair of trainers’.
I was actually having lunch with a lady that I have begun dating and said that ‘now is not convenient as I have company. Tomorrow will be fine’.
She slammed the phone down and then sent a text saying ‘Don’t bother I am going to buy some new ones’.
I think she is getting too aggressive here and not respecting boundaries. Or AIBU?

OP posts:
Illpickthatup · 28/12/2023 13:11

Hankunamatata · 28/12/2023 13:07

Suppose we don't know ex plans, perhaps they were heading out for lunch or doing a family thing and needed trainers that didn't look like they had been trashed. Literally heading out the door when realised dc left trainers at dad's

In orginal post the dad said they could wait until tomorrow an abrupt manner then a drip that he did offer ect.

Surely this is just a normal bump in co parent relationship?

Show quote history

When you have kids 50/50 usual practice is that the kids have everything they need at both houses. If mum didn't have appropriate trainers at her house then that's just tough. It's not up to dad to fill that gap.

Bestyearever2024 · 28/12/2023 13:12

2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 12:35

Which is what I didn’t want to happen. My ex introduced her new boyfriend to them very bluntly and it caused problems for several months, which I helped smooth over. Her new boyfriend thanked me for this.

🤣

MikeRafone · 28/12/2023 13:13

No one said you needed to invite them in for lunch and make introductions. Just give the kid the shoes.

no, but children are curious and when they get a feeling someone doesn't want them inside the house - they'll make a reason to come inside - ohh I need the loo. Its best to keep the children and date separate and especially as they have had issues coming to terms with the other parent going into a relationship - its sensible to keep things separate.

StragglyTinsel · 28/12/2023 13:13

Wristfolds · 28/12/2023 13:10

Christ on a bike… Rights, Entitlements, Boundaries… this sounds toxic AF. Not sure 50:50 is in these kids’ best interests if mum saying ‘hey I’m passing and realised our son left something, you in?’ Is honestly getting you invoking your entitlements.

There are numerous other civil, polite, even warm or apologetic responses you might have made beyond the passive aggressive 3rd person ‘Tomorrow will be fine’ (clue: for whom?!)

A child anted his trainers and a bunch of adults make it all about their rights and their time and them, them, them.

Honestly, just give the kid his shoes.

Not everything has to be a petty turf war between parents. Or a passive aggressive opportunity to set ‘boundaries’ with each other.

StragglyTinsel · 28/12/2023 13:14

MikeRafone · 28/12/2023 13:13

No one said you needed to invite them in for lunch and make introductions. Just give the kid the shoes.

no, but children are curious and when they get a feeling someone doesn't want them inside the house - they'll make a reason to come inside - ohh I need the loo. Its best to keep the children and date separate and especially as they have had issues coming to terms with the other parent going into a relationship - its sensible to keep things separate.

Pop out to the car. Hand the shoes over. Kiss child. Wave bye.

Hankunamatata · 28/12/2023 13:14

MikeRafone · 28/12/2023 13:13

No one said you needed to invite them in for lunch and make introductions. Just give the kid the shoes.

no, but children are curious and when they get a feeling someone doesn't want them inside the house - they'll make a reason to come inside - ohh I need the loo. Its best to keep the children and date separate and especially as they have had issues coming to terms with the other parent going into a relationship - its sensible to keep things separate.

The you do what my friend did. Hid her date in bedroom wardrobe (that's actually true as granny forgot something and had to come back)
😂😂😂😂

Illpickthatup · 28/12/2023 13:14

Wooloohooloo · 28/12/2023 12:59

I think when you have 50/50 contact it sort of necessitates frequent contact. There's no love lost between my ex and I but we have almost daily civil exchanges about DD and try to be as flexible as we can with each other as it benefits both of us.

My DH and his ex are the opposite. 50/50 and they only contact each other if there's an emergency or to request a change to the schedule. I don't see the need for daily contact.

JudgeJ · 28/12/2023 13:15

Onceuponaheartache · 28/12/2023 12:04

On the surface you are not being unreasonable however I strongly suspect there is a whole different side to this if the exw were to post.

Certainly it would be different she would be painting herself as the reincarnation of Mother Theresa and the OP as a villain incarnate, it's MN!

MikeRafone · 28/12/2023 13:17

StragglyTinsel · 28/12/2023 13:14

Pop out to the car. Hand the shoes over. Kiss child. Wave bye.

Show quote history

yeah, ive tried that and the blighters have still managed to get in the house as they need the looo....

From experience its either leave the shoes/object on the doorstep and go out for lunch - which isn't possible if you've jus prepared everything.

or say no its not a suitable time

Willyoujustbequiet · 28/12/2023 13:18

NorthernSpirit · 28/12/2023 12:40

You are NOT being unreasonable and are entitled to eat your lunch in peace & set a boundary.

Of course, the bitter EW’s club won’t agree with this as they can do what they want.

The EW has started a relationship and you have been very supportive. While the kids are with you - you don’t contact her. Yet - she doesn’t afford you the same boundary. You are entitled to the same.

She phoned you, it wasn’t convenient. End of.

She didn’t get her own way, do like a petulant child who didn’t get their own way, she slammed the phone down.

It won’t go your son any harm being with the trainers for a few days. In fact maybe it will teach him a lesson to remember his own things.

You have done nothing wrong. No need to pander to her. I can understand why she’s an ex.

This is such a huge stretch.

His son wanted his trainers. It's not even about his ex, she was putting her child first.

TattoedLady · 28/12/2023 13:19

In the real world OPs son isn't walking around barefoot and isn't going to be massively disadvantaged because he has to wait, what, 24hrs max to get access to his third pair of trainers. Nobody dies. Nobody is emotionally harmed for life. It's just a pair of trainers and it's just a couple of hours. It's really, honestly, not a big deal.

In that context, Mum's reaction is disproportionate...she knows that, in reality, no harm is done by her son not having the trainers for a couple of hours.

Newchapterbeckons · 28/12/2023 13:22

Ummm she doesn’t get to dictate to you how you spend your time. It’s ridiculous. Good on you. It seems she is not happy that you have other interests. It feels to me more about that than the trainers.

NonPlayerCharacter · 28/12/2023 13:23

I'm interested how you felt the need to mention your kids aren't happy about your ex's new relationship (and how it makes you amazing) but there's not a word about how they feel about yours, even though you're the one who kicked up a stink about handing over some trainers or even being contactable by your co-parent while having your own company. Yes, I know you offered to put them outside but there was clearly some crap going on before that.

Tbh, the pompous, self-congratulatory tone of the whole story puts me off anyway.

Your kid needed his shoes, you can take a quick break in proceedings to hand them over. James Bond can tell the lady she needs to wait a moment while duty calls, I'm sure you can too.

Needsomesupport84 · 28/12/2023 13:23

The replies here are wild, OP. Your only crime seems to be that you are male. That is literally it. If it was a woman posting about her ex intruding on her time and expecting to come round unannounced, you’d get an entirely different reaction.

CandyLeBonBon · 28/12/2023 13:24

It doesn't on the surface of it seem you were doing anything wrong but I have to ask - where was this romantic lunch taking place? At your house with dc there? Or were you out with your date and dc was at home?

I think if you were having a romantic lunch at with a relatively new date whilst dc was there, that might flavour her response?

Can you clarify OP? Not sure what the situation was?

CharliesAngels81 · 28/12/2023 13:25

It is funny reading these responses women can be crazy exes too.

I've witnessed some batshit stuff that no mother should do.

Women are certainly not angels

Luxell934 · 28/12/2023 13:26

It seems like the child was the only one who suffered here though just so you could stick to your “boundaries” with your ex to spite her, when in reality you probably upset your child.

StragglyTinsel · 28/12/2023 13:26

In fact maybe it will teach him a lesson to remember his own things.

One if the worst things about having divorced parents is being surrounded by selfish adults with little to no empathy.

Theres a reason why research about ‘nesting’ shows that adults hate not having a single home and having to keep moving between different places, never having all your stuff in one. But we expect children to do it all the time.

And then, if they want their stuff, the adults turn it into some argument about their time and their boundaries etc.

given the child doesn’t have a key, he’s probably young enough that having to keep track of all his stuff is tough.

NonPlayerCharacter · 28/12/2023 13:27

CharliesAngels81 · 28/12/2023 13:25

It is funny reading these responses women can be crazy exes too.

I've witnessed some batshit stuff that no mother should do.

Women are certainly not angels

Oh no, I thought that was what MN was...a place where women gather to claim to be angels. Thank God for the mass MRA intrusion to set us all straight.

SecondUsername4me · 28/12/2023 13:28

Luxell934 · 28/12/2023 13:26

It seems like the child was the only one who suffered here though just so you could stick to your “boundaries” with your ex to spite her, when in reality you probably upset your child.

The child had two other pairs of trainers to wear, and his mum took him to buy a fourth pair.

This child is the opposite of "suffering" in this scenario.

LaughingCat · 28/12/2023 13:29

@2ChildDad - let me get this straight, your kid wanted a specific pair of his trainers, but you were having lunch with your potential lady. You offered to leave them on the doorstep. You offered to take them round after your lunch. Or you offered to be in the next day, so your ex could pick them up.

I don’t understand the problem! You aren’t going to drop everything to be available there and then. As a kid, you learn that your parents will do what they can but it won’t always go your way and you might have to compromise.

Please ignore those who are saying you somehow betrayed your son by maintaining a healthy boundary. You gave options to make it work so he could have his trainers, and they weren’t taken. I don’t think you did anything wrong.

Sorry your lunch got a bit ruined!

Wristfolds · 28/12/2023 13:31

Maybe you just need to get to a place with your ex where you feel able to reflect on your own emotions and be more vulnerable?

I wonder how she may have responded to a message that owned part of the problem and was honest about your likely state of mind like ‘So sorry feels a bit awkward saying but I actually have someone over and would appreciate a bit of space just for another hour or so. I can leave them outside or drop over later? Please could you hold off mentioning to DS as I will wait to see how things develop’

Bestyearever2024 · 28/12/2023 13:32

CharliesAngels81 · 28/12/2023 13:25

It is funny reading these responses women can be crazy exes too.

I've witnessed some batshit stuff that no mother should do.

Women are certainly not angels

And?

So.... some women are batshit. The OP is patently batshit.....its all equal? Eh? 🤪

GIVE THE CHILD THEIR TRAINERS

Then no batshittery need occur

NewNameNigel · 28/12/2023 13:34

Needsomesupport84 · 28/12/2023 13:23

The replies here are wild, OP. Your only crime seems to be that you are male. That is literally it. If it was a woman posting about her ex intruding on her time and expecting to come round unannounced, you’d get an entirely different reaction.

Hilariously I once mentioned on a thread that DSD had popped back to her mums for something (this is DSD not DP) and I got lambasted because this is mums free time and we should have a replica wardrobe here. Even though DSD was 14 at the time and has made the arrangements herself with her mum this was my fault

Coolhwip · 28/12/2023 13:34

Willyoujustbequiet · 28/12/2023 13:18

This is such a huge stretch.

His son wanted his trainers. It's not even about his ex, she was putting her child first.

Show quote history

If she was putting her child first she would have been fine OP leaving the trainers outside.

Nosy cow wanted to get in the house.