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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex Wife Boundaries

417 replies

2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 11:57

My ex wife and I share 50/50 custody of our children. I tend to have them slightly more than that over Christmas and half terms due to her work schedules (I am not complaining about that- any time that I spend with my kids in a gift). The kids spent Christmas with me and returned to her on Boxing Day.
She has started a relationship with another man (the kids were somewhat resistant to this, but I have been as supportive as I can be-he has even thanked me for this).
My boundary on this are that if the kids are with me, I don’t contact her unless absolutely necessary. She has her life to lead.
Yesterday, I received a call saying ‘we are coming over to your house now as he (my son) wants his other pair of trainers’.
I was actually having lunch with a lady that I have begun dating and said that ‘now is not convenient as I have company. Tomorrow will be fine’.
She slammed the phone down and then sent a text saying ‘Don’t bother I am going to buy some new ones’.
I think she is getting too aggressive here and not respecting boundaries. Or AIBU?

OP posts:
Summasolstice · 29/12/2023 23:00

You did your parenting it was her turn

this is the attitude I am trying to argue against in 50/50 co-parenting and this thread. There’s no ‘turn-taking’ in parenting. You are a parent full stop. 100% of the time. Barring your child from their own house to get their own things isn’t a great parenting move.

CandyLeBonBon · 29/12/2023 23:12

Summasolstice · 29/12/2023 23:00

You did your parenting it was her turn

this is the attitude I am trying to argue against in 50/50 co-parenting and this thread. There’s no ‘turn-taking’ in parenting. You are a parent full stop. 100% of the time. Barring your child from their own house to get their own things isn’t a great parenting move.

Are you a separated parent?

Summasolstice · 29/12/2023 23:23

Yes @CandyLeBonBon We do 50/50 and are very amicable. I have no axe to grind here.

NewNameNigel · 29/12/2023 23:31

Summasolstice · 29/12/2023 23:23

Yes @CandyLeBonBon We do 50/50 and are very amicable. I have no axe to grind here.

Just out of interest, how would you react if your ex told you no if you asked him to get something from his house? Because I don't understand how you can be amicable if you react to being told no by accusing him of being a bad parent. Unless he nevers says no because he's afraid of your reaction.

Olive19741205 · 29/12/2023 23:32

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Summasolstice · 29/12/2023 23:34

Ha! Yes he’s terrified of me 🙃

he’d tell me to swing by later or whatever, we’d sort it, and that would be okay. In the original op the man said ‘I have company, tomorrow is fine’. I’d argue that tomorrow isn’t fine for the kid and that pompous attitude isn’t great for co-parenting

Olive19741205 · 29/12/2023 23:35

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Summasolstice · 29/12/2023 23:36

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CandyLeBonBon · 29/12/2023 23:41

Summasolstice · 29/12/2023 23:23

Yes @CandyLeBonBon We do 50/50 and are very amicable. I have no axe to grind here.

So it sounds as though you've not really experienced the toxicity a manipulative ex can bring to a shared relationship? Much as it would be great if all shared care arrangements could be like yours, there are those exes who delight in constantly trying to cause chaos and upset and in those circumstances, arrangements like yours have to be more strictly managed. It's not ideal but sadly there are unpleasant people out there who are determined to make the ex partner pay regardless of cost, which of course is completely unreasonable. This is one of those situations, by all accounts.

Olive19741205 · 29/12/2023 23:45

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Summasolstice · 30/12/2023 00:03

@CandyLeBonBon i do understand that. And sadly, i have many single mum friends that suffer from manipulative and abusive exes. But from the original few posts this didn’t seem to be the situation - and even if it is in this case a lot of the time I was responding to those who were arguing that the child needs ‘to put up with it as if it was their fault. Co-parenting is hard no doubt and I do appreciate this other perspective.

Olive19741205 · 30/12/2023 00:03

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NewNameNigel · 30/12/2023 01:12

Summasolstice · 29/12/2023 23:34

Ha! Yes he’s terrified of me 🙃

he’d tell me to swing by later or whatever, we’d sort it, and that would be okay. In the original op the man said ‘I have company, tomorrow is fine’. I’d argue that tomorrow isn’t fine for the kid and that pompous attitude isn’t great for co-parenting

So your ex would have to do what you said on the same day and waiting til the next day for something as trivial as a third pair of trainers wouldn't be good enough. You sound demanding.

Wateroverwine · 30/12/2023 02:28

Look on the bright side... your son wins because he gets a new pair for trainers.

Beezknees · 30/12/2023 07:22

Summasolstice · 29/12/2023 23:34

Ha! Yes he’s terrified of me 🙃

he’d tell me to swing by later or whatever, we’d sort it, and that would be okay. In the original op the man said ‘I have company, tomorrow is fine’. I’d argue that tomorrow isn’t fine for the kid and that pompous attitude isn’t great for co-parenting

But I don't co parent and I'd say exactly the same thing as OP if my DS wanted to get something from home while I was out.

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 30/12/2023 09:43

Oh my life, some people need to know when to let go and stop posting!! We get it- a strong exchange of views, everyone has different personal experiences so will have different angle. Move on!!

Happy New Year @2ChildDad . What you said about your son not knowing about the trainers is very sad but not surprising to some of us who have been through similar. Glad you got to the bottom of it.

Illpickthatup · 30/12/2023 09:48

Wateroverwine · 30/12/2023 02:28

Look on the bright side... your son wins because he gets a new pair for trainers.

I very much doubt she's actually going to buy new trainers. She's just saying that. Especially considering OPs update that the boy didn't even ask for the trainers.

A child will never "win" when one of their parents uses them as a pawn to control their ex.

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