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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To speak my own language to my child despite what my PIL think

564 replies

imnotfromroundhere · 27/12/2023 21:21

I'm from Country X but I moved here when I was 14 so effectively speak fluent English and I'm fully bilingual. I realise what a privilege it is and want my children to be bilingual too.

I've got 2 DDs - 2.5yrs and 7mo. The youngest one doesn't speak, the older one speaks X language better (says mini phrases in X but only single words in English). We've committed to doing one parent one language so I speak only X to them and my husband speaks only English. I'm a SAHM, neither goes to nursery, DH works full time so mostly they're just around me.

DH is close to his family so we see them about once a month. Every time I speak to either of my DDs in X they give me a look as if to say "huh?" or "you doing it again?" (Ie speaking in a language we don't understand) or they'll stop their own conversation and stare at me if for example they're talking and I say something to her like "let's put a jumper on" or "don't touch that" etc. Obviously my children's abilities and making them bilingual is far more important than making PILs comfortable. But still makes me feel horrible like they're all judging me and hate me.

DH says he doesn't notice it. Definitely there though. He's quite close to his family and scared to offend them.

OP posts:
Onceuponaheartache · 27/12/2023 21:23

Sorry I think it is rude to use a language they don't speak in their presence.

However you are not wrong to encourage your kids to be bilingual, it sill be an excellent advantage to them

Dotjones · 27/12/2023 21:23

You should speak in the language of the country you live in so I think YABU. You can still teach them the other language as a second one but the main language should be the local one e.g. French if you're living in France or Italian if you're living in Italy.

VickyEadieofThigh · 27/12/2023 21:24

You can either ignore them or sit down and discuss with them the fact that bilingualism is fantastic for children and you'll be doing it whether or not they 'approve'.

Possimpible · 27/12/2023 21:24

Tricky one. When you're around your PIL could you say the phrase in both languages? It is quite rude to speak a language around people who don't understand it, if you all speak a different language fluently. Could be an issue as they get older and you spend time around different people.

maddening · 27/12/2023 21:25

I would just introduce nursery to get the english speaking going.

KnowledgeableMomma · 27/12/2023 21:25

You know both languages and you want your children to be bilingual......why wouldn't you want them to converse with ALL their family???? YABU for only speaking language X and wanting your children to as well, in a house where their other relatives only speak English.

Branleuse · 27/12/2023 21:25

Keep doing opol. My husband didn't keep up with his language with the kids past toddlerhood, and it's a big regret now

Weepingskies · 27/12/2023 21:25

It’s brilliant for your kids to have the chance to be bilingual and great that you’re doing that for him. But I can totally understand your PIL feeling very uncomfortable if you’re all together and speaking a language they don’t understand - don’t think I’d do that especially as it’s only once a month or so. Different if you were living with them but u think if you have guests it would be kinder not to exclude them from conversations

Lovepeaceunderstanding · 27/12/2023 21:25

My FIL spoke excellent English but spoke when I was around to exclude me. Maybe translate for your P’sIL. It’s a fantastic advantage to be bilingual so keep on going on with that while making sure those around you don’t feel excluded.

Cosyblankets · 27/12/2023 21:25

Onceuponaheartache · 27/12/2023 21:23

Sorry I think it is rude to use a language they don't speak in their presence.

However you are not wrong to encourage your kids to be bilingual, it sill be an excellent advantage to them

I agree with this.

By all means encourage your children to speak both languages but it is rude to only speak your language in their presence. Where is the harm in using both languages when you're with them? Use your own language and repeat in English?

MargotBamborough · 27/12/2023 21:26

Ignore other people's opinions.

Bilingualism is one of the greatest gifts you can give your children but if you are the minority language parent you need to speak it to them consistently. Switching to the community language every time it's more difficult to speak the minority language will undermine your efforts and reduce your children's chances of being truly bilingual.

Gymmum82 · 27/12/2023 21:26

Absolutely disagree with everyone saying you should speak English to them. To bring children up bilingual the advice is 1 parent 1 language so you are absolutely doing the right thing and screw what your PILS think

WhateverMate · 27/12/2023 21:26

But still makes me feel horrible like they're all judging me and hate me.

Have you missed a massive backstory or something? Why do you think they hate you?

Daffyyellow · 27/12/2023 21:26

At home it’s great to encourage bilingualism. When with other people it is rude to exclude by using a different language.

edwinbear · 27/12/2023 21:27

You should speak in the language of the country you live in

WTAF?? OP isn’t allowed to speak to her own children, in her mother tongue because she lives in the UK? Did you mean to be so rude?

Reugny · 27/12/2023 21:27

Onceuponaheartache · 27/12/2023 21:23

Sorry I think it is rude to use a language they don't speak in their presence.

However you are not wrong to encourage your kids to be bilingual, it sill be an excellent advantage to them

This is exactly what you are dealing with.

I don't think it is rude.

Then again myself and quite a few other people I know have managed to learn to eavesdrop by understanding languages we have no direct culture links to thanks to people talking in foreign languages around us.

WillowCraft · 27/12/2023 21:27

I think it's fine to speak to a 2 year old in a foreign language. It would be rude to hold a conversation in a language they didn't understand but it's probably pretty obvious what you are saying anyway and isn't going to be anything particularly interesting. If PIL really don't like it they can always learn some of the basics themselves.
I would probably stop doing it in their presence once your child is school age.
Does your husband speak your language?

MargotBamborough · 27/12/2023 21:27

Dotjones · 27/12/2023 21:23

You should speak in the language of the country you live in so I think YABU. You can still teach them the other language as a second one but the main language should be the local one e.g. French if you're living in France or Italian if you're living in Italy.

WTF.

🙄

InsomniacA · 27/12/2023 21:27

I think it is wonderful that you are teaching your children your own language.

But you should also teach them that it is quite rude to talk in a language not understood by the people around you. If your PILs speak only English and you also speak English, it is rude for you and your children or anyone else to speak in another language around them.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 27/12/2023 21:28

Have you explained opol to your in laws?

I had a friend in an old job who did opol and it was very odd when her husband was out with us and only spoke to their children in his language, but it didn’t seem exclusionary or rude because we knew what he was doing and why

MargotBamborough · 27/12/2023 21:28

edwinbear · 27/12/2023 21:27

You should speak in the language of the country you live in

WTAF?? OP isn’t allowed to speak to her own children, in her mother tongue because she lives in the UK? Did you mean to be so rude?

So ignorant.

mizu · 27/12/2023 21:28

As a language teacher of 27 years (EFL and ESOL so predominantly adults) I think it's so important for child to have both languages.

Maybe it's because I'm surrounded by people from other countries/cultures all the time but I don't think it's rude to speak your language to the children - wherever you are.

GenXisthebest · 27/12/2023 21:28

I would speak to your DC in X when you're at home and in English when you're with your PILs. I think it's a bit rude to speak in a language they can't understand.

PerpetualStudent · 27/12/2023 21:28

One parent one language is a recognised approach - explain this to your in laws and carry on giving your DC the wonderful gift of bilingualism. If you’re living in the UK the English will all balance out once they’re in school, no rush

Lammveg · 27/12/2023 21:28

Surprised at these replies! YANBU and well done for teaching your kids your language. DH speaks to DC only in his language and my family who are English don't see a problem with it. It's not like they're being excluded from huge conversations that you're having with your young child lol.

Saying 'speak the language of the country you're in' in this case is so ignorant. Its so hard to teach a minority language when the kids will hear English all of the time.