To speak my own language to my child despite what my PIL think

[imnotfromroundhere]

I'm from Country X but I moved here when I was 14 so effectively speak fluent English and I'm fully bilingual. I realise what a privilege it is and want my children to be bilingual too.

I've got 2 DDs - 2.5yrs and 7mo. The youngest one doesn't speak, the older one speaks X language better (says mini phrases in X but only single words in English). We've committed to doing one parent one language so I speak only X to them and my husband speaks only English. I'm a SAHM, neither goes to nursery, DH works full time so mostly they're just around me.

DH is close to his family so we see them about once a month. Every time I speak to either of my DDs in X they give me a look as if to say "huh?" or "you doing it again?" (Ie speaking in a language we don't understand) or they'll stop their own conversation and stare at me if for example they're talking and I say something to her like "let's put a jumper on" or "don't touch that" etc. Obviously my children's abilities and making them bilingual is far more important than making PILs comfortable. But still makes me feel horrible like they're all judging me and hate me.

DH says he doesn't notice it. Definitely there though. He's quite close to his family and scared to offend them.

Well, I'm not British.
I speak another language as well as English.
I do think it's rude.
Possibly different for OP if her children are at a stage where they won't understand her instructions if said in English - but, in general, of course it's rude to exclude people.

As someone who is British and has brought up their children in a country with 4 national languages I absolutely agree with the posters who say a) speak your mother tongue b) give them a bit more exposure to the local language English but you speak your mother tongue c) most British don’t get the process to being multilingual, as it just doesn’t have the same importance in the uk d) it helps your children and gives them advantages cognitively by being bilingual. Courage.

I am also from another country and speak my language to my children and I have never understood why so many British people think it is rude to speak in a language they don’t understand. I have never witnessed that attitude in my country of origin when people speak in another language! Unfortunately it is a sad reality that you are going to have to contend with in society, not just with your in-laws. I would try to get partner on board to understand you and explain to them why this is important for you to speak to the children in your language. The children will learn English from society as well as your partner and once they start school it will be even harder to keep up the minority language. I would say just persevere in a positive way. Unfortunately in my case it led to a bit of isolation as I often avoided hanging out with others so I could just speak to my children in my language. They are both bilingual but the younger one has less vocabulary and prefers English and has sometimes get embarrassed if I speak my language in front of others! And I often address them in English in front of others for the sake of not appearing to be rude but it is worth persevering and speak to them in your language as much as you can. Good luck!

TBF one of the kids at DSs school started in yr 1 and didn't speak English well at all. He really struggled for most of the year. I think for the kids sake you need to ensure they can communicate with peers and teachers

You should keep with OPOL if you want to ensure bilingualism. Due to the Brexit campaign, many people feel quite strong opposition to everything that is not British but you should not leave ignorants to influence your parenting style. If you really want to include them in the conversation, you can also translate everything for them.
I personally, never feel offended when my friend speaks to her children in a language I can’t understand.

Bloody hell, can people not see the wildly different contexts between 'two adults speaking a language no one else in the room speaks for serious commentary/conversation' vs 'parent speaking short instructive sentences to small child just learning language'...

They are worlds apart.

OP - I would get DH to explain to them OPOL and that the things you say to the kids are things like 'lets take your jumper off' or 'do you need the toilet' etc, nothing sinister or rude!

If they still act like twats... well clearly they are just twats.

Carry on OP. One parent one language is the way to go. I'm glad your husband is supportive.

You've had a lot of answers here from monolingual people. Bilingualism is a gift. Good luck!

Of course they do, but they learn an awful lot at home too so they are likely behind their peers English language wise given that they are 2.5 and can only say single words. Surely a good balance of both is better.

I think you should speak x to your children except when you are with people who don't speak x. It won't hinder your children learning your language, and you will be teaching your children to be considerate of others. You could also just repeat in English, for the benefit of others in the room.

You have the opportunity to teach them two languages and to not take it would be letting them down. If you are speaking to the child why does everyone else need to know what you are saying? If you are speaking to everyone speak in a language everyone understands.

This.

You see them once a month but absolutely have to be bi-lingual 24/7?

Grow up.

My friends children are fluent tri lingual with resumable use of a 4th... and learnt successfully using the opol method. They speak their mother's language, their father's language (both parents speak to them exclusively in that) then they also have the mother+father language which is different again as they met in a third country. The majority language in the country they live in is the father's language. Then at school they use a 4th which is Russian as the country is close to Russia.
But people don't give you the side eye when you do that where they live as multi lingual families are common and people understand that children have to be helped to learn more than one language at once.

It's extremely rude

Also a sweeping statement about Brits not speaking other languages

As demonstrated by this thread, most people don't understand how OPOL works as the best way to raise bilingual children. The key is engaging your in-laws, explaining it to them and seeing how they vest want to be involved or support. My parents will often say to me kids "oh what does that mean?", when daddy speaks to them.in his language, encouraging the kids to translate and thereby reinforcing the bilingualism. They've even goty daughter to teach them some phrases and she tests them on it 😄 But that's because they're on board.

Include your in-laws, communicate with them (with your DH of course) and hopefully they'll be less judgemental and support your efforts

This is correct. If you speak the majority language you cannot switch it up to be polite - it is hard enough to get your DC to maintain their 2nd language once they reach school age. You must keep going!

Except it will damage their ability to be fluent in OP's language.

My greatest regret with bringing up our children is that we didn’t do what you’re doing. Although my wife’s language isn’t much use outside her own country it’s so good for brain development and leading subsequent languages. Your child will catch up with English very quickly when they join school. It may frustrate the in laws but they aren’t the most important people here. We have a ground who switches to another language to speak to her child, we can’t understand what they are saying but it really doesn’t matter.

OPOL doesn’t work like that - the parents have to be consistent. DT’s grew up in London but English is their third language as DH and I spoke to them in our separate languages.

Are you an expert Cinateel?! It absolutely WILL impact her kids learning her language of she switches all the time. There is extensive research to prove it.

YANBU you are doing exactly what you should to raise bilingual children, keep going.
I find U.K. particularly insular compared to continental Europe so your PIL’s reaction is par for the course.

Of course you should teach them to be bilingual. You speaking your language, and DH speaking English is the most logical plan. BUT surely for a couple of hours once a month when you’re in the presence of your in-laws you could speak English? It’s a little bit rude to exclude them in the conversation when you can speak perfect English. It’s not going to harm your child’s language development if once a month you say ‘put your jumper on’ in English and speak your language for the rest of the time.

Yeah, you're being really bloody rude.

You see their grandparents once a month, and on that day for the few hours you are there, all communication with their grandchildren, you do in a language only you understand.

Because the other 99% of the month when you speak to them in language X would be ruined otherwise right

It's like a weird passive superiority thing you've got going on, that you're bilingual, and DC are, but PIL aren't, but you enjoy demonstrating this every time you visit.

I am also bilingual and would never dream of actively excluding my own children's grandparents like this.

Or the pils could grow up.

The reason we have the manners not to speak in another language or whisper in company is so not to exclude or have someone ill at ease winding what you're saying.
But in this situation, the pils should trust their dil not to be bad mouthing them, or to translate anything that is worth sharing so as not to exclude them - that would include some things but not the 'get your shoes on' stuff... and at the tender age the children are at the consistency is very important, she is raising their GC and giving them a huge gift.

OPOL is very simple I wouldn’t speak to the child in the other language until they’re quite secure. If you have to offer brief translations.