To speak my own language to my child despite what my PIL think

[imnotfromroundhere]

I'm from Country X but I moved here when I was 14 so effectively speak fluent English and I'm fully bilingual. I realise what a privilege it is and want my children to be bilingual too.

I've got 2 DDs - 2.5yrs and 7mo. The youngest one doesn't speak, the older one speaks X language better (says mini phrases in X but only single words in English). We've committed to doing one parent one language so I speak only X to them and my husband speaks only English. I'm a SAHM, neither goes to nursery, DH works full time so mostly they're just around me.

DH is close to his family so we see them about once a month. Every time I speak to either of my DDs in X they give me a look as if to say "huh?" or "you doing it again?" (Ie speaking in a language we don't understand) or they'll stop their own conversation and stare at me if for example they're talking and I say something to her like "let's put a jumper on" or "don't touch that" etc. Obviously my children's abilities and making them bilingual is far more important than making PILs comfortable. But still makes me feel horrible like they're all judging me and hate me.

DH says he doesn't notice it. Definitely there though. He's quite close to his family and scared to offend them.

You are doing exactly the right thing to help your children speak both languages. Both parents speak their language to the child. You are both giving your children a great gift by doing this. Did this here, adult son currently speaks four languages!!! Best of luck!

It's an amazing opportunity to bring your DC up bilingual if you can and you are going the right way about it by starting them early.

Ignore what anyone else thinks. When your kids are getting A** GCSEs at age 14 in your mother tongue, you can guarantee your in-laws will be bragging to all their friends about it and saying how smart their GCs are.

Carry on doing what you're doing; it's a fantastic chance for your DC that you're offering them. If they can speak two languages from a young age then they are much more likely to be able to pick up other languages too later in life.

Well done you.

I live in a place where lots of kids start nursery or reception speaking very little English and they pick it up very very fast. OP's children will already understand the English their Dad and Grandparents speak to them, even if they currently favour Mum's language to speak. They'll be fine.

I love languages and think it’s an absolute gift to learn two languages naturally from parents with different nationalities. But I think it wouldn’t do any harm to speak to them in their other language while you have visitors. I wouldn’t speak my second or third language in front of my husband with someone if they could speak English.

yanbu. Speak to them in whatever language you want but maybe when you’re with others offer a translation as a courtesy … say to pil. ‘I was just telling him to leave that’ etc so it’s not rude. You also need to have a think about primary school as you don’t want them to get behind as they need to learn English. By the time they’re 4 they will need more words in English if they’re going to a state primary

I would carry on as you are. Regrets here that we didn't do this with our kids who don't understand or speak their dad's language. Has DH not explained to his parents your joint decision? If you aren't spending that much time around them could you repeat in English for them on those occasions?

Wow I can't even read these comments. I think your only mistake is posting this here. I think your kids are very lucky. If someone were parenting their children in another language I didn't speak I would enjoy the sound of it and try to learn some as well to contribute! It's absolutely beautiful and I hope you hold your head high and continue on proudly. You have every right to be exactly who you are and speak exactly the way you want to, as well as raise your children the way you want. You're giving them a big gift. Men can be really oblivious with things like this so don't hold it against your DH. I hope he stands up for you if they ever say anything outright. I think you're doing a fabulous job and don't let them get you down!

Yanbu

This 100%. As much as it’s advantageous for your children to be bilingual it’s extremely rude to be in the presence of your PIL and only speak your language. I also believe it’s unreasonable you’re not doing more to teach your children English if you and them reside primarily in England/ an English speaking country. How are they supposed to speak English at nursery/school if your husband is barely around to teach them. I think if you live in a country you/your children should make a decent effort to speak the language. Regardless of what that language may be. As good as it is that your children are learning multiple languages, It’s hardly a flex that your children can only speak singular words of the language of the country they are growing up in. It will make their learning hard for them and their teachers if they’re not fluent by school age. How is that fair? Your PIL are well within their rights to be upset. Your posts reads that you believe it’s a good thing to be setting them up to be at a disadvantage language wise to the other children of their age if you choose to stay in an English speaking country.

Yep.

unless you see them like 2 hours per day just speak to your kids in English for an hour or two

Can't believe the first few responses, this is why it is so hard to raise bilingual kids in this country. Keep doing OPOL, especially since your language is the one your children will hear less of.

My nieces are bilingual and SIL always spoke her language to them. Not being arseholes, nobody in the family had an issue with it. On the other hand PILs didn't raise DH and his siblings bilingual on medical advice 🙄'because it'll confuse them' which is a big regret for DH.

Keep speaking in your own language. Get your DH (or you) to explain the OPOL approach so they are aware, but don't change anything.

My SIL speaks to her kids in her language and the kids reply to her in her language.

I don't think it's rude I think it's brilliant and fascinating that the kids speak two languages.

SIL normally tells me what she's just said as I'm probably looking at her expectantly

@Whatevershallidowithmylife young children pick up new languages incredibly quickly. It eh op’s child is already having English spoken at home by the father anyway.

It’s great your kids are bilingual, truly amazing.

DC is 2.5, it’s not like you can have a full on conversation with them, that would be rude towards PIL. Little instructions is fine imo.

This is an insane POV, IMO.

I live in a foreign country, but we speak English in our home. I have enough to function on a basic level in society, but DC are all schooled in the local language, and so are fluent with local accents.

Your children are in a sensitive period for language and need to be exposed to large amounts of vocabulary in order to become fully bilingual.

Many families I know, do as you do. Even if Dh was not English mother tongue, I would only ever speak to my DC in my mother tongue, and encourage him to do the same.

Your PIL are displaying passive aggressive xenophobic tendencies and there is no way I would tolerate it. They are always welcome to learn some of that language alongside their grandchildren, if they don't want to feel like they are 'missing out'.

I know children around me (I am a teacher in an international school) who speak up to 5 languages, having been exposed to them since birth. It's amazing what children are capable of absorbing, and I am always gobsmacked at the limits adults are capable of applying to the children, due to their own deeply embedded insecurities.

It is not rude. It just needs explaining to the parents why it is this way. As the children's language improves, they will rapidly master speaking to OP in X and others in English.

For the sake of once a month, explain to them, then grit your teeth and carry on. Get them grounded in X now or it will not happen.

SIL has been trying to do this with her child, but once her child started nursery, the second language (SIL mother tongue) has slid massively backwards.

If they are fluent in language X and can muddle along in English, they will quickly learn more English once they start nursery. It is important to have a solid base in at least one language, and then it's relatively easy for young children to learn another language. Plus these children are hearing a fair amount of English but the oldest is probaby using mostly X as it is easier. She may well not be going to nursery for at least 6m and will have developed her skills in both languages by then anyway.

OP keep doing what you are doing. They need as much exposure as possible to your language to balance out the inevitable English they will hear almost everywhere else.

I think you can still teach your children your native language without being horribly rude to talk in a foreign language in front of your in laws that they don't understand a word of.

I think that what you're doing is great, but agree with others for the rare occasions that you're with wider family in their home it would be more considerate to speak English.
You know that you're saying "lets put a jumper on" - MiL & Family might well think you're saying "Nanny in a PITA" / "how soon can we escape & go home" etc - no wonder they exchange glances

They will learn it through their Dad and school. The way children learn best is one language per parent. Being bilingual is great for brain function, protective against Alzheimer’s, and makes it much easier to pick up a third language.

.. but I would agree you can use English to be polite when with the PIL, even if you have to then repeat instructions in language X

That's not how you create bilingual children

This. And that bilingualism is the best gift you can give your children.

Keep up what you’re doing.

You're not really asking in the right place - if you asked the question anywhere where it's more common to be bilingual you'd get more support. Your PIL are being narrow minded. There are lots of bilingual (and trilingual) families where I live and the one parent one language technique is widely accepted and successful. Your PIL don't need to know everything you say to your children. It's fine to speak your own language when addressing your children directly and English if you're having an adult conversation with PIL in the presence of your children.

My cousin's are multilingual but my auntie and uncle are English, they moved abroad before my cousin's were born. My grandparents had a very basic knowledge of their language but me being younger had absolutely none. We used to spend all our school holidays together at our grandparents and they would speak their home language which would upset me as I felt left out and that I was being talked about so my grandparents introduced a rule that inside their house, only English could be spoken. Not just for my sake, but because they couldn't always understand what they wanted or needed.