To speak my own language to my child despite what my PIL think

[imnotfromroundhere]

I'm from Country X but I moved here when I was 14 so effectively speak fluent English and I'm fully bilingual. I realise what a privilege it is and want my children to be bilingual too.

I've got 2 DDs - 2.5yrs and 7mo. The youngest one doesn't speak, the older one speaks X language better (says mini phrases in X but only single words in English). We've committed to doing one parent one language so I speak only X to them and my husband speaks only English. I'm a SAHM, neither goes to nursery, DH works full time so mostly they're just around me.

DH is close to his family so we see them about once a month. Every time I speak to either of my DDs in X they give me a look as if to say "huh?" or "you doing it again?" (Ie speaking in a language we don't understand) or they'll stop their own conversation and stare at me if for example they're talking and I say something to her like "let's put a jumper on" or "don't touch that" etc. Obviously my children's abilities and making them bilingual is far more important than making PILs comfortable. But still makes me feel horrible like they're all judging me and hate me.

DH says he doesn't notice it. Definitely there though. He's quite close to his family and scared to offend them.

I'm a Brit living in a country where another language is the major one.

I always speak English to the kids no matter what

In front of pils, etc. Always.

This is harmful nonsense. OP's children will learn English well from their father and from school. They won't otherwise learn OP's language well. It is far better for them to grow up bilingual. Your idea hobbles the children's development.

You are doing it exactly the right way OP. Your children will pick up English through immersion ie TV, other relatives and then once they start school too. They may well go through a stage where they decide that they don't want to speak your language, a lot of children do, but they grow out of that and will thank you for giving them the gift of bilingualism. Just explain to the inlaws what you are doing and crack on!

FWIW it is NOT rude to speak in a language others can’t understand. The only people who think that are ignorant British who can’t speak any other languages

Keep at it OP, and ignore some of the batshit responses on this thread.

DH will hopefully speak to our baby in his native language, I hope to learn more of it myself as we go along, and if my parents don't like it then they're free to learn some infant level words and phrases in his language too.

Your children will still be bilingual, even if you speak English in your PiL presence. The odd hour speaking English with you won't hold them back.

You're choosing to speak in a language your inlaws don't while with your PiL, effectively excluding them from the conversation you're having with your dcs. Honestly, i do think that's rude.

I speak to my ds in my own language EXCEPT when we’re with people who don’t understand it. I think it’s important to teach him it’s unkind to exclude someone given we all also speak a common language. He’s a teenager now and completely bilingual.

It isn't, at all.

You don't understand how bilingually works clearly. You can't say it's great and that Op should do it then say not around monolingual English speakers! How well do you think they'd speak the other language in that case?

Once they start nursery/school, it'll be all English all the time, so you've no hope of them being bilingual unless you get your language really well-established now. I say crack on, though you could try talking to your in-laws and saying something like "I just realised we never spoke about this, I hope it doesn't seem rude me speaking to the kids in x, it's just that research has shown that this is the best way to ensure they're bilingual" (although actually wouldn't it be better in your DH learned your language and spoke it too?)
Obviously those saying you should just speak in English are wrong, but you can see from this thread how few people know what best practice is in this context, so I imagine your inlaws haven't thought about it and just feel a bit left out.

I'm British
I speak 3 other languages fluently
I think it's rude.

You are training their brains and you should only speak to them in your language nothing else regardless of who is around. The pathways forming is the most important thing. PIL’s should respect this.

It’s not rude and they will thank you for it when they are older. They’ll thank you for dual nationality too hope you have got their passports in your country too.

Totally disagree with the above posters. You are taking absolutely the right approach. Being bilingual is a huge advantage for the child and the best way to do it is to be consistent, the way you are being. And once they're in nursery or school, their English will also be fluent. It's not 'rude' to engage in normal parent-child chitchat in your language around other people. The children will understand soon enough that English is the language at PILs house, and they will engage with their grandparents in that language, no doubt about that.

It's a shame that your PILs don't see it for the bonus it is; they seem a bit close-minded.

So as you are predominantly with the children and already one is are more fluent in your home language how are they going to get on in nursery and school? Great to be bilingual but they really need to learn English as a first if you intend to stay in UK.

They will learn to speak both.

This.

The minority language parent has a constant uphill battle to get their kids to be bilingual and speaking the community language to their kids, even occasionally, just sends the message that it's OK for the kids not to speak the minority language.

Succeeding in your goal of getting your kids to be bilingual is more important than offending some people who think you should speak English all the time in front of people who don't speak your language.

There's absolutely no way I would risk failing to teach my kids my language for fear of offending other people.

My mother stopped talking to her children in her mother tongue as people thought it was rude, so only my eldest sibling is fluent. Keep doing what you're doing, being bilingual is a massive gift.

You are doing the right thing for your children. But it can feel odd to those who don't understand. Have you had a proper conversation with your in laws, explaining the theory of OPOL, and reassuring them that you're not using it to talk about them etc, but that consistency is very important for your child?

My SiL does this with my nephew, in a language I understand nothing of, and while I fully support it, sometimes it's unsettling not knowing e.g. if she's explaining something differently to him than I have to my DS (similar age). But I know why she's doing it, and that it must be exhausting for her switching from her language back to English with the adults and so on, so I respect her dedication!

It’s actually what is advised by SLT - to stick to one language consistently. Don’t listen anyone and continue what you are doing, your PIL should be less sensitive. What they are thinking that you are criticising them to 2.5 y.o. child? Or what? Of course you are just doing simple interactions about toys, food, clothes, going for a walk etc.

It appears some posters think you are having deep and complex conversations with a baby and 2 year old in your mother tongue. 😂

Just make sure you teach your little ones how to ask other people questions in your mother tongue as well as being able to answer them. Unfortunately I know some parents who are doing what you are doing and they have forgotten to do this.

Nothing wrong in what you’re doing, very important your child can speak to grandparents / other relatives in their native tongue.

They will be surrounded by English at nursery and everywhere else. They will be fine.

This rule only seems to apply to foreign people in England. English people normally think it's absolutely fine to speak English when abroad!

OP please keep speaking your own language to your children.

The kids' English skills will almost certainly surge ahead the moment they are in nursery or school and X language will lag behind. That's why it's so important to build the foundations in X language now. English will just happen naturally. We can probably assume the children's father is speaking English to them too.

If you want them to be bilingual, you have to stick to your strategy of one parent, one language. Once they go to school, English will dominate so much anyway. A second language is amazing gift.

Err, judging by this post I'm not sure you're the best person to assess what's rude and what isn't...