Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To speak my own language to my child despite what my PIL think

564 replies

imnotfromroundhere · 27/12/2023 21:21

I'm from Country X but I moved here when I was 14 so effectively speak fluent English and I'm fully bilingual. I realise what a privilege it is and want my children to be bilingual too.

I've got 2 DDs - 2.5yrs and 7mo. The youngest one doesn't speak, the older one speaks X language better (says mini phrases in X but only single words in English). We've committed to doing one parent one language so I speak only X to them and my husband speaks only English. I'm a SAHM, neither goes to nursery, DH works full time so mostly they're just around me.

DH is close to his family so we see them about once a month. Every time I speak to either of my DDs in X they give me a look as if to say "huh?" or "you doing it again?" (Ie speaking in a language we don't understand) or they'll stop their own conversation and stare at me if for example they're talking and I say something to her like "let's put a jumper on" or "don't touch that" etc. Obviously my children's abilities and making them bilingual is far more important than making PILs comfortable. But still makes me feel horrible like they're all judging me and hate me.

DH says he doesn't notice it. Definitely there though. He's quite close to his family and scared to offend them.

OP posts:
CarrotCake01 · 30/12/2023 16:18

Libertyy · 30/12/2023 16:11

And what would OP’s In-laws be doing to include OP’s parents?

I'm sorry but I have no idea what you're talking about ?

Oriunda · 30/12/2023 16:57

CarrotCake01 · 30/12/2023 15:52

YANBU for wanting your children to know both languages, it sounds like a wonderful opportunity for them.

YABU for refusing to speak in English around the In Laws, it comes across as rude to deliberately exclude them. They're only there once a month.

Also, genuine question because I have no idea and I'm interested, is that the best way of teaching 2 languages to a toddler? Each parent communicating in a different language, it seems super confusing to me!

As the majority of posters here, either parents of multilingual kids, or the children of dual (or more) language parents, have stated repeatedly in this thread, OPOL is the best way of teaching two languages to a child. If done consistently (ie not breaking off into English to avoid said English speaker's ears combustion at the sound of foreign). It's really not confusing at all.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 30/12/2023 17:06

YABU for refusing to speak in English around the In Laws, it comes across as rude to deliberately exclude them.

Addressing your own children in the language which you speak to them is not 'refusing to speak English around the in-laws'. Presumably the OP speaks to the in-laws in English. She only uses her language when specifically addressing her dc.

Characterbunting · 30/12/2023 17:22

All that's needed is a quick explanation to PILs of the OPOL approach, surely?

Okay, OP isn't being rude because she's doing what's necessary, but she does need to offer an explanation - otherwise her behaviour does have the appearance of rudeless as can be seen from many, many of the comments on here.

To people not familiar with bilingualism (most of the UK), speaking in a language one or more of your party doesn’t understand seems rude (and indeed often is rude unless there's good reason as there is in this case).

To people who are familiar with bilingualism - please just accept this as a cultural difference or misunderstanding 😅

Just talk it over with them OP?

MargotBamborough · 30/12/2023 17:24

CarrotCake01 · 30/12/2023 15:52

YANBU for wanting your children to know both languages, it sounds like a wonderful opportunity for them.

YABU for refusing to speak in English around the In Laws, it comes across as rude to deliberately exclude them. They're only there once a month.

Also, genuine question because I have no idea and I'm interested, is that the best way of teaching 2 languages to a toddler? Each parent communicating in a different language, it seems super confusing to me!

Yes, it is the best way. But your suggestion undermines the method. Children who know that they can communicate with their minority language parent using the majority language have no incentive to speak the minority language.

CarrotCake01 · 30/12/2023 17:40

MargotBamborough · 30/12/2023 17:24

Yes, it is the best way. But your suggestion undermines the method. Children who know that they can communicate with their minority language parent using the majority language have no incentive to speak the minority language.

Ahh, okay. Well thank you for the explanation. The OPOL method is not something I've ever come across before so I am no expert whatsoever on this, I'll hold my hands up to that completely.
I only know 1 bilingual family and this isn't the approach they use at all.

(My comment about it seeming confusing was more in reference to the child, not me.) But perhaps I'm not giving the children enough credit! 🤷🏼‍♀️ I had images of a toddler trying to get across that they had a tummy ache or something but not necessarily knowing the words in the right language or switching between the 2 languages. Although as I say, I'm sure they have a way of dealing with it.

It does still sound restrictive though. Surely the mother in this scenario would need to speak English when out shopping or answering the phone or speaking to the child's father?

As said previously by others though, I do think there's a cultural divide at play here about whether it's rude or not 🤷🏼‍♀️

CarrotCake01 · 30/12/2023 17:48

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 30/12/2023 17:06

YABU for refusing to speak in English around the In Laws, it comes across as rude to deliberately exclude them.

Addressing your own children in the language which you speak to them is not 'refusing to speak English around the in-laws'. Presumably the OP speaks to the in-laws in English. She only uses her language when specifically addressing her dc.

No, I don't believe so. According to other posters they are each to stick to their own language so in this case the OP wouldn't use English around the children regardless of who they're talking to.

MargotBamborough · 30/12/2023 17:49

CarrotCake01 · 30/12/2023 17:40

Ahh, okay. Well thank you for the explanation. The OPOL method is not something I've ever come across before so I am no expert whatsoever on this, I'll hold my hands up to that completely.
I only know 1 bilingual family and this isn't the approach they use at all.

(My comment about it seeming confusing was more in reference to the child, not me.) But perhaps I'm not giving the children enough credit! 🤷🏼‍♀️ I had images of a toddler trying to get across that they had a tummy ache or something but not necessarily knowing the words in the right language or switching between the 2 languages. Although as I say, I'm sure they have a way of dealing with it.

It does still sound restrictive though. Surely the mother in this scenario would need to speak English when out shopping or answering the phone or speaking to the child's father?

As said previously by others though, I do think there's a cultural divide at play here about whether it's rude or not 🤷🏼‍♀️

I always speak to my children in my language but 99% of the time my son replies in the majority language. I just have to keep going and only speaking to him in my language in the hope that he starts speaking it eventually.

Honestly, I would not give a single crap if anyone thought I was rude for doing that, because my children learning my language is about a thousand times more important to me than anyone taking offence.

MargotBamborough · 30/12/2023 17:51

CarrotCake01 · 30/12/2023 17:48

No, I don't believe so. According to other posters they are each to stick to their own language so in this case the OP wouldn't use English around the children regardless of who they're talking to.

Obviously you don't talk to adults in a language they don't understand. But the OP is talking about talking to her child.

CarrotCake01 · 30/12/2023 17:59

Now that I understand the method a little more OP, I do get where you're coming from with it.

At the end of the day, you're making a decision that you feel is the best decision for your children and ultimately, that's your priority. I would do the same thing I think, despite what the IL's thought of that. But you do have to accept that some people will find it strange and some would find it rude. Sorry to hear it feels like they're giving you a hard time over it though.

Maybe have a childfree evening with them some time? Invite them over for a meal or something lighthearted like drinks or a games evening and they'll see that there's nothing personal, its just a parenting method and it doesn't mean there's bad blood between you.

Anametolove · 30/12/2023 19:20

You're doing it right! I'm at my ILs at the moment and only speaking French to my toddler despite no one else speaking it in the household.
That's the whole concept of OPOL, you can't switch it out due to context, you have to be consistent. Keep it up!
And explain the method to your ILs, they should be appreciative of you making the effort and giving the gift of bilingualism to their GC.

Kittybythelighthouse · 30/12/2023 19:39

@CarrotCake01 genuinely thank you for being the first person on this thread to admit you aren’t familiar with OPOL and to be prepared to change your views once you understood the method more. It’s really hard raising bilingual children in the UK specifically because there are so many people who don’t understand and get really sniffy about it. As evidenced on this thread they continue to be sniffy even when it’s explained over and over. It’s tough, so thank you.

@Appleofmyeye2023 you’re consistently missing the point that with OPOL the parent MUST be consistent in the minority language (when engaging with the child) or the chances of establishing it are greatly reduced. It’s particularly critical to do so in the early years. She must be absolutely consistent. It’s a tried and tested method and it’s done for a reason. The benefits to the child are lifelong and immense. This is more important than a PIL’s feelings. That said, we have absolutely no reason to think that the OP communicated in the spirit of your example. She gave us examples “let’s put your jumper on” etc. banal ordinary things. The dad speaks to his children only in English, as per the OPOL method, so the grandparents are not excluded from any “festivities”. I’m sure he keeps them in the loop as is normal in many countries all over the world outside of the UK. However, if you had your way the OP’s own family, who may only speak the minority language, WOULD ACTUALLY be excluded from fully engaging with their grandchild forever if the child only spoke English, which the OP is doing her best to avoid. Do you only have this much regard for the GP’s who are English? Why?

Appleofmyeye2023 · 30/12/2023 19:57

Kittybythelighthouse · 30/12/2023 19:39

@CarrotCake01 genuinely thank you for being the first person on this thread to admit you aren’t familiar with OPOL and to be prepared to change your views once you understood the method more. It’s really hard raising bilingual children in the UK specifically because there are so many people who don’t understand and get really sniffy about it. As evidenced on this thread they continue to be sniffy even when it’s explained over and over. It’s tough, so thank you.

@Appleofmyeye2023 you’re consistently missing the point that with OPOL the parent MUST be consistent in the minority language (when engaging with the child) or the chances of establishing it are greatly reduced. It’s particularly critical to do so in the early years. She must be absolutely consistent. It’s a tried and tested method and it’s done for a reason. The benefits to the child are lifelong and immense. This is more important than a PIL’s feelings. That said, we have absolutely no reason to think that the OP communicated in the spirit of your example. She gave us examples “let’s put your jumper on” etc. banal ordinary things. The dad speaks to his children only in English, as per the OPOL method, so the grandparents are not excluded from any “festivities”. I’m sure he keeps them in the loop as is normal in many countries all over the world outside of the UK. However, if you had your way the OP’s own family, who may only speak the minority language, WOULD ACTUALLY be excluded from fully engaging with their grandchild forever if the child only spoke English, which the OP is doing her best to avoid. Do you only have this much regard for the GP’s who are English? Why?

Jeez, even the experts or parents of bilingual children accept jury is not done with OPOL approach and there’s room for flexibility and kids are way more adaptable in a lot of cases, and at end of day it comes down to individual circumstances

https://multilingualparenting.com/one-parent-one-language-opol-is-dead-long-live-opol/

https://www.minilanguagesforkids.com/blog/why-we-do-not-use-opol-one-parent-one-language/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/life-bilingual/201504/one-person-one-language-and-bilingual-children

amd any other number of articles and commentators I’ve just spent precisely 3 minutes looking up.

i think there’s a lot of OPOL zealots on here. Clearly there are a bunch of different options to us3 or combine ensure your child is bilingual depending on your circumstances. It seems most of it comes down to how much effort a parent will make.

I’m done. I’m basically being accused of racism and colonialism, which is ironic since my mum was from non English speaking family and bilingual 🤷🏼‍♀️.

One parent, one language – OPOL is dead, long live OPOL!

Is the era of the 'one parent, one language' strategy over? Or is there life in the old OPOL still?

https://multilingualparenting.com/one-parent-one-language-opol-is-dead-long-live-opol/

Kittybythelighthouse · 30/12/2023 20:10

@Appleofmyeye2023 there is no method for anything under the sun that absolutely everyone follows. OPOL is the standard though and for good reason. Even if it was not the primary recommended approach it is the one OP chose and that should be uncontroversially respected as it is pretty much everywhere except little England.

MargotBamborough · 30/12/2023 20:44

Appleofmyeye2023 · 30/12/2023 19:57

Jeez, even the experts or parents of bilingual children accept jury is not done with OPOL approach and there’s room for flexibility and kids are way more adaptable in a lot of cases, and at end of day it comes down to individual circumstances

https://multilingualparenting.com/one-parent-one-language-opol-is-dead-long-live-opol/

https://www.minilanguagesforkids.com/blog/why-we-do-not-use-opol-one-parent-one-language/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/life-bilingual/201504/one-person-one-language-and-bilingual-children

amd any other number of articles and commentators I’ve just spent precisely 3 minutes looking up.

i think there’s a lot of OPOL zealots on here. Clearly there are a bunch of different options to us3 or combine ensure your child is bilingual depending on your circumstances. It seems most of it comes down to how much effort a parent will make.

I’m done. I’m basically being accused of racism and colonialism, which is ironic since my mum was from non English speaking family and bilingual 🤷🏼‍♀️.

I don't think "I've just spent 3 minutes Googling this" is quite the winning argument you seem to think it is.

Kittybythelighthouse · 30/12/2023 21:20

@MargotBamborough I had a quick look at the first article shared and even this supposed anti OPOL source states that: “consistency does play a role for the minority language – the lesser the exposure, the greater the need for the speaker of that language to be consistent. This was also found in the De Houwer study in that in families where one parent spoke only the majority language and the other used both the majority and the minority language only 36% of the children became bilingual (vs 97% in families with consistency from the minority language parent)
If the ^‘minority language at home’^ mL@H strategy is not an option, e.g. when there is no language that both parents feel comfortable in speaking with the children, the natural choice is OPOL. It has worked for many families and will continue to do so, and especially in scenarios where there is not an equal amount of exposure to all the languages a child is learning.”

So, basically what we have been saying? 😭😅

BigButtons · 31/12/2023 07:59

I had friends once- French father, English mother. They have now gone to live in France , but I remember the father being exasperated that the kids were not speaking French to him even though he was speaking only in French to them. In the end he would ignore what they were saying if they spoke In English. It worked!

GothConversionTherapy · 31/12/2023 08:11

Lots of posters here making it clear why Brits are bad at languages.

PIL might benefit from learning a bit of your language themselves, then they can help the kids, won't feel left out and expand their minds a little.

Libertyy · 31/12/2023 09:11

The responses to this thread just prove that schools needs to place more emphasis on learning a second language. Most of the world is bilingual, plus it’s a good life skill to have.

MargotBamborough · 31/12/2023 10:05

Libertyy · 31/12/2023 09:11

The responses to this thread just prove that schools needs to place more emphasis on learning a second language. Most of the world is bilingual, plus it’s a good life skill to have.

I mean, you're not wrong, but it is not really the same problem as what is being discussed here.

I do think it is genuinely difficult for native English speakers to learn foreign languages due to the global domination of English as a language of business and culture, particularly in the Western world. If you grow up in France or Belgium or the Netherlands and you want a decent professional job one day, you know that you need to learn English. And in most of these countries English as a foreign language will be a compulsory subject until you leave full time education. If you grow up in the UK or the USA or Australia and speak English as your first language, you have no way of knowing whether the most useful foreign language for you is going to be French, Spanish, German, Mandarin, Russian, Portuguese, Arabic or any number of other languages. You can start learning when you are small but unless your parents have a particular desire for you to speak a particular language and facilitate that as an extracurricular activity from a young age, any language instruction you get will be what is chosen, effectively at random, by your school. It may not be the language you wish you spoke later in life. That's not to say it isn't worthwhile, it's just that I think it's easier to see the point in learning English as a second language compared to most other languages.

What is under discussion here, in this thread, is helping children to learn more than one language as a native language. So already, the level we expect from our children is going to be much higher. I live in France and work in a professional job where most of my colleagues are not native English speakers but work in English every day. They have a high level of English by most people's standards and will all have studied it throughout their university education and used it regularly in their professional life since. But if my children grow up to speak English to the same level they speak it, I will consider that my efforts to teach them my language haven't been entirely successful. I want my kids to speak English the way native speakers speak it, the way I speak it, not the way educated professionals who speak it as a second language speak it.

My boss can negotiate a liquidated damages clause in a contract in English. But he has no knowledge of English nursery rhymes, English children's books, very limited understanding of English culture, and if he tried to speak to my mother in English and talk about her childhood memories, there would be a language barrier. I don't want there to be a language barrier between my children and my parents and extended family.

And that is what is at stake here.

The OP's parents in law might feel (unreasonably in my view) that they are being excluded from the conversation if the OP addresses her children in her language in their presence. They might worry (more reasonably, but wrongly) that their grandchildren will not learn English properly unless their mother speaks to them in English and uses English at home, and that there will be a language barrier between them and their grandchildren later on. This will not happen because they are growing up in the UK and English will be their dominant language. What might happen, if the OP's efforts to teach her children her language fail, is that her children are unable to communicate effectively with their other grandparents and extended family. The ones they already see less often because they live abroad.

Some of the people on this thread are so concerned with rudeness they they are failing to consider what is really at stake here. And it's so much more important than whether some people are offended.

Characterbunting · 31/12/2023 10:42

The thing is the PIL may not be offended at all if the process is explained to them properly.

Just speaking a language they don't understand in their presence without any explanation as to why it's so necessary - that could be easily be mistaken for rudeness.

A conversation needs to be had. OP never clarified if she had that conversation and explained the OPOL process to them.

user1477391263 · 31/12/2023 11:30

Appleofmyeye2023 · 30/12/2023 19:57

Jeez, even the experts or parents of bilingual children accept jury is not done with OPOL approach and there’s room for flexibility and kids are way more adaptable in a lot of cases, and at end of day it comes down to individual circumstances

https://multilingualparenting.com/one-parent-one-language-opol-is-dead-long-live-opol/

https://www.minilanguagesforkids.com/blog/why-we-do-not-use-opol-one-parent-one-language/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/life-bilingual/201504/one-person-one-language-and-bilingual-children

amd any other number of articles and commentators I’ve just spent precisely 3 minutes looking up.

i think there’s a lot of OPOL zealots on here. Clearly there are a bunch of different options to us3 or combine ensure your child is bilingual depending on your circumstances. It seems most of it comes down to how much effort a parent will make.

I’m done. I’m basically being accused of racism and colonialism, which is ironic since my mum was from non English speaking family and bilingual 🤷🏼‍♀️.

Yes, people do use different approaches. Some families do "We all speak English outside the home, we all speak Swahili (or whatever) at home." Some do "three days a week we all speak English, four days we all speak Swahili."

These approaches aren't going to work for the OP as she is the only speaker of this language in her family.

Given that she is the only language input for this language and given that her child will know perfectly well that she is also a native speaker of English, the risk that her child will start refusing to speak the language and English will take over bit by bit is relatively high if she adopts a "flexible" approach. She'd be wise to stick to what she is doing right now, and being quite "strict/rigid" about using her language only and not constantly switching over to English every time she's in the presence of someone who pulls a face whenever they hear someone speaking in a different language.

Peasand · 31/12/2023 20:42

It’s just plain rude to talk in a language in front of people who don’t understand what you’re saying

MargotBamborough · 31/12/2023 20:49

Peasand · 31/12/2023 20:42

It’s just plain rude to talk in a language in front of people who don’t understand what you’re saying

FFS read the thread.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 31/12/2023 20:52

Pacificisolated · 28/12/2023 18:15

It is rude to speak one language to your child around family if it excludes them from understanding the conversation and you have a common language. How much time do you spend with ILs? Surely it wouldn’t be so frequent that it would undermine your child’s language acquisition.

Maybe not with the in-laws but if you take the same approach with everyone then it undermines it