To speak my own language to my child despite what my PIL think

[imnotfromroundhere]

I'm from Country X but I moved here when I was 14 so effectively speak fluent English and I'm fully bilingual. I realise what a privilege it is and want my children to be bilingual too.

I've got 2 DDs - 2.5yrs and 7mo. The youngest one doesn't speak, the older one speaks X language better (says mini phrases in X but only single words in English). We've committed to doing one parent one language so I speak only X to them and my husband speaks only English. I'm a SAHM, neither goes to nursery, DH works full time so mostly they're just around me.

DH is close to his family so we see them about once a month. Every time I speak to either of my DDs in X they give me a look as if to say "huh?" or "you doing it again?" (Ie speaking in a language we don't understand) or they'll stop their own conversation and stare at me if for example they're talking and I say something to her like "let's put a jumper on" or "don't touch that" etc. Obviously my children's abilities and making them bilingual is far more important than making PILs comfortable. But still makes me feel horrible like they're all judging me and hate me.

DH says he doesn't notice it. Definitely there though. He's quite close to his family and scared to offend them.

It's the best time to learn two or more languages, research shows they may be a little later speaking but understand it first.
I don't think you should speak a foreign language in front of people who don't understand you though.

I think maybe the issue is arising because you are able to be at home and work with the DC on your language but as your DH is working the work on English is being neglected. I wonder if the older child would benefit from mixing with other children in a play setting such as nursery or mother and baby groups

I worked on cruise ships and sailed internationally with crew/staff from all over the world. We had an "English only" rule in guest areas or crew areas where the majority were English speaking. I knew people who were sacked for repeat offences.
I think this is very much an British/American thing. The ships I worked on were both British registered and US registered but apparently this rule wasn't applicable on other cruise lines.

Since you only see in-laws once a month, id make the effort to speak both in their presence. Your kids are lucky to have this opportunity

Completely agree

This child is 2.5! Many children can only speak single words in any language at this age. (That would be classed as delayed language development but is pretty common and nurseries are well equipped to deal with it). Also this child probably understands more language.

In the absence of any language difficulties, this child will learn English easily once they are more exposed. Usually fluent within 6 months if they have no English to start with, so less time for this DC. What won't work is to start with English and then try and introduce language X because the child won't see the point and will just speak in English. Being bilingual has many advantages, cognitively as well as socially.

As a SLT working with mostly bilingual families, it is disappointing that so many people still advise people to focus on English first. Sadly many adults can't speak the languages of their parents and grandparents because this was the advice given and it is still given to parents now. If you live in England and send your child to nursery/school in England, learning English is inevitable unless there are other learning needs.

The children live in the UK and their father's native language is English and when they eventually attend nursery/school it will be in English. There will already be a huge bias in favour of English.

The way to get her kids to speak both languages, as the minority language parent, is for the OP to speak her language to her kids 100% of the time, and screw what anyone else thinks.

This exactly. I live in a country with no official language but lots of pressure to fit in and many who immigrate here don't teach their children their language. It's a source of shame and a loss of culture, which causes identity issues. It's actually very serious to deprive a person their language and culture. It's one of the key markers of genocide. For example the US government forced indigenous children into boarding schools away from their families and would beat the children if they spoke their language. Generations on they are still recovering from this and trying to recover their language. The loss of culture has led to extreme health issues like alcoholism and mental illness. It's outright evil to oppress or repress others' culture and language. Full stop.

They'll probably struggle with the finer nuances of the Dostoyevsky conversations, but should work out 'train choo choo' within five mins of arriving. The same as other 2-3 year olds

What an amazing gift to give your children. OPOL is such a solid and well established method of encouraging bilingualism, ignore the daft sods who assume everyone speaking ‘forrin’ is talking about them.

While also teaching them to value their culture and identities despite the racist majority 💜

Keep going op. The best way to be bi lingual is to have one language you associate with one parent and another with another.
As they get older and can understand social mores you can explain about bit using a different language when I'm company and use the family language instead... But when they're so young, you should do it exactly as you are and the pils should be supportive it's a great skill for them to have.
That says, a lot of people don't understand about language development and acquisition and three best way to raise bi lingual children when they reside in a country with one main language... So it would be greatly beneficial to relations if you could educate them so they can understand. If they understand you might find them more supportive.

The OP's children are 2 and 7 months. What on earth do the PILs think she is saying to them that they're somehow missing out on? They're not having deep conversations about the meaning of life, and I doubt very much she's taking the opportunity to slag off the PIL.

My friend speaks to her children largely in Romanian. I don't speak more than a few words of it but I can get the gist and context of 'put your shoes on please' or 'you can have ice cream when you finish your dinner'.

I have bilingual children. Don't live in England and always speak to them in English. If you start speaking to them in another language one language one person doesn't work. Once the minority language is established then you can flip.
So my parents in law don't speak English and I have always spoken to my kids in English (between us) infornt of them. Parents in law at first not happy but they quickly got used to it.
Now the language is established if we are at parents in law I do tell eldest(12) to speak in thier native language.
One language one parent isn't forever...but having bilingual kids is such a gift.

By 'you' should educate them, I mean your DH and you as the children's parents.

If I was in your in law I would encourage it. But I'd expect you to teach me the same time so I could join in.

This is completely normal in bilingual families and your PIL will get over it. You should not be translating yourself for them because it undermines OPOL. It is natural that your DC will speak your language better now, and it’s actually an advantage to get them a really solid foundation in it because once they’re at school, the school language will become the dominant language. You need to build a foundation before then. Your DH can translate for his parents if they really care, or… they could learn your language (shocker there for all the ignorant monolinguals!)

The people I have known who took this approach always used the common language in the presence of others. Or for very young children just said things twice when in mixed company. Unless you are in another room having a private conversation, it is a bit odd to exclude people when you have the option of inclusion.

I speak exclusively to our children in Urdu, if someone doesn’t like it they have two options, 1 learn some Urdu, 2 to fuck off. My husband speaks to them exclusively in Swedish, he lives by the same rules.

That's how I would expect it to be if they both knew the language, makes sense.

I think it's a brilliant thing to do for your children honestly.

Can dh translate when you speak to dc?

Surely it would be better to help them along with their English moreso, given that they live here? They are better at X language because that's what you're teaching them. I dont think it's rude to use that language, but I think it's crazy to only use that language when they live here.

I have no first hand experience of this OP but I think you are giving your child a great gift of having two languages.

A lot of English people do feel aekward when others are speaking a foreign language. We are island people and aren't great at langauges and have this weird idea that people must be talking about us. Please explain what you are trying to do. Maybe find a FB group of bilingual parents for support to see how they best navigate this?

OPOL is a well recognised method of teaching bilingualism in children

People saying "it's rude" are totally missing the point and shouldn't comment on things they don't understand

You are not having a conversation with your husband and excluding your PILs, you are talking to your children.

Perhaps if they were so bothered they could learn OP's language.

Why? Do you not think children learn the language of the country they live in, where they go to school, to playgrounds etc without a parent teaching them?