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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To speak my own language to my child despite what my PIL think

564 replies

imnotfromroundhere · 27/12/2023 21:21

I'm from Country X but I moved here when I was 14 so effectively speak fluent English and I'm fully bilingual. I realise what a privilege it is and want my children to be bilingual too.

I've got 2 DDs - 2.5yrs and 7mo. The youngest one doesn't speak, the older one speaks X language better (says mini phrases in X but only single words in English). We've committed to doing one parent one language so I speak only X to them and my husband speaks only English. I'm a SAHM, neither goes to nursery, DH works full time so mostly they're just around me.

DH is close to his family so we see them about once a month. Every time I speak to either of my DDs in X they give me a look as if to say "huh?" or "you doing it again?" (Ie speaking in a language we don't understand) or they'll stop their own conversation and stare at me if for example they're talking and I say something to her like "let's put a jumper on" or "don't touch that" etc. Obviously my children's abilities and making them bilingual is far more important than making PILs comfortable. But still makes me feel horrible like they're all judging me and hate me.

DH says he doesn't notice it. Definitely there though. He's quite close to his family and scared to offend them.

OP posts:
Kendodd · 27/12/2023 21:42

Dotjones · 27/12/2023 21:23

You should speak in the language of the country you live in so I think YABU. You can still teach them the other language as a second one but the main language should be the local one e.g. French if you're living in France or Italian if you're living in Italy.

I didn't know Nigel Farage was on MN

Mylobsterteapot · 27/12/2023 21:42

My parents speak two different home languages. My half sibling speaks my Dad’s language, his wife English, and his children are bilingual. Everyone speaks English. If we are all together, I speak to my dad, sibling and niece and Nephew in our common language, to my mum in ours, and my SIL in English. It’s slightly mad, and must sound even more so to outsiders, but everyone is fine. Sometimes translations are given, but not always.
Crack on OP.

Soontobe60 · 27/12/2023 21:43

Gymmum82 · 27/12/2023 21:26

Absolutely disagree with everyone saying you should speak English to them. To bring children up bilingual the advice is 1 parent 1 language so you are absolutely doing the right thing and screw what your PILS think

The fact that the OP spends the vast majority of the time with the DC speaking her language means that the children are not getting an immersive experience of the language of the country in which they live. This is particularly important as they do not attend a childcare setting.
OP, I would suggest that you continue to converse in your own language with your DC but when other family members are there who don’t speak your language perhaps speak English to the DC. That way, the DC will really understand bilingualism.

Copperoliverbear · 27/12/2023 21:43

What @Onceuponaheartache said.

PrueRamsay · 27/12/2023 21:43

YANBU

My DIL is Spanish and is completely fluent in English, Spanish and another language. I really hope that if she and DS have DC they raise them to be bilingual.

I have tried to improve my own shit Spanish skills and hope that with DILS help, I will be able to keep up.

To be fair, it’s fairly fucking obvious what a parent is saying to a very young child, regardless of the language used, “ let’s put a jumper on” “don’t touch that” being the examples used by OP.

If ILS are pretending they have no idea what is going on, they’re being pretty shitty. Just carry on and ignore their rudeness.

IAmAnIdiot123 · 27/12/2023 21:43

Sounds like OPOL is a recognised method so I would keep that up if its working and wouldn't stop just because inlaws didn't like it. I do lots if things I'm sure my partners family don't like but oh well.

I know nothing about raising kids in a bilingual house so just wondered how OPOL works when you talk to your dh infront of the kids, presuming he doesn't speak your native language.

RatatouillePie · 27/12/2023 21:43

I'd speak language X with your kids all the time when it's just you and them, then when with the inlaws speak English.

Kids adjust to being bilingual really well so I wouldn't worry.

zaazaazoo · 27/12/2023 21:43

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 27/12/2023 21:31

So as you are predominantly with the children and already one is are more fluent in your home language how are they going to get on in nursery and school? Great to be bilingual but they really need to learn English as a first if you intend to stay in UK.

Again this is not how to create bilingual children. They will learn English as they live in an English speaking country. Typically children brought up to be bilingual learn both languages slightly slower than dc learning only one but with a very short time they are up to speed in both languages.

Bearbookagainandagain · 27/12/2023 21:44

I'm foreign, I completely understand your point about OPOL, but it is rude to speak a different language around your ILs when they can't understand.
Assuming it's just short visits once in a while, you are not going to disturb your child's ability to learn your language by using English in those specific circumstances. Particularly since she doesn't even get to speak much English in the first place!

Gunpla · 27/12/2023 21:44

Dotjones · 27/12/2023 21:23

You should speak in the language of the country you live in so I think YABU. You can still teach them the other language as a second one but the main language should be the local one e.g. French if you're living in France or Italian if you're living in Italy.

Such rubbish. One parent one language is acknowledged to be the way to bilingualism. Stick to your guns.

Smerpsmorp · 27/12/2023 21:44

Onceuponaheartache · 27/12/2023 21:23

Sorry I think it is rude to use a language they don't speak in their presence.

However you are not wrong to encourage your kids to be bilingual, it sill be an excellent advantage to them

They are specifically teaching a child a language, they need to do it 100% of the time. It's not rude at all.

PinkMimosa · 27/12/2023 21:45

I'd be more pissed off that they hadn't bothered to learn any of your language. When my DS lived in a different country and had a DO I started to learn the language because a. It was his language and it's what everyone spoke when I visited and b. I wanted to be fluent by the time any DNs arrived.

I think your DILs have been remarkably short sighted.

Copperoliverbear · 27/12/2023 21:45

Also I think you should speak English to your children too so they speak both languages as much as possible. When they go to school they will only speak English there.

zaazaazoo · 27/12/2023 21:46

Honeyroar · 27/12/2023 21:36

I love languages and think it’s an absolute gift to learn two languages naturally from parents with different nationalities. But I think it wouldn’t do any harm to speak to them in their other language while you have visitors. I wouldn’t speak my second or third language in front of my husband with someone if they could speak English.

Conversations with your dh are potentially going to make others feel unnerved or left out. Conversations with a TWO YEAR OLD won't. Unless you are very paranoid

helpimgoingcrazyhere · 27/12/2023 21:46

Keep doing what you are doing. My ex speaks to our son solely in Spanish (his native language) and I speak in English. Our son at age seven is fully bilingual. My family love it and the few who are learning spanish try and speak it to him too. It’s something we are all proud of as its such a gift. And slowly we all pick up a few words. I don’t even think its an issue to speak it in front of other guests.

MargotBamborough · 27/12/2023 21:46

IntheSnowySnowyMountains · 27/12/2023 21:41

You're not really asking in the right place - if you asked the question anywhere where it's more common to be bilingual you'd get more support. Your PIL are being narrow minded. There are lots of bilingual (and trilingual) families where I live and the one parent one language technique is widely accepted and successful. Your PIL don't need to know everything you say to your children. It's fine to speak your own language when addressing your children directly and English if you're having an adult conversation with PIL in the presence of your children.

This.

It would be really useful if all the people responding could make it clear whether they are actually raising bilingual children or not.

I suspect most of the comments about rudeness are coming from people with absolutely no clue about this subject who just don't like other people speaking languages they don't understand in their presence.

Cosyblankets · 27/12/2023 21:46

gingerspiceandallthingsnice · 27/12/2023 21:37

My SIL speaks to her kids in her language and the kids reply to her in her language.

I don't think it's rude I think it's brilliant and fascinating that the kids speak two languages.

SIL normally tells me what she's just said as I'm probably looking at her expectantly Grin

This is the difference though.
I may be wrong but I'm getting the impression that OP is not explaining anything to the in laws. And that's why they don't like it.

PinkMimosa · 27/12/2023 21:46

*DSis that should say.

Gymmum82 · 27/12/2023 21:46

Soontobe60 · 27/12/2023 21:43

The fact that the OP spends the vast majority of the time with the DC speaking her language means that the children are not getting an immersive experience of the language of the country in which they live. This is particularly important as they do not attend a childcare setting.
OP, I would suggest that you continue to converse in your own language with your DC but when other family members are there who don’t speak your language perhaps speak English to the DC. That way, the DC will really understand bilingualism.

Show quote history

Once the children are in school their other language will go out the window. This is why it’s so so important to get it drilled in to them while they are young. They don’t need to learn English. They will get that from every day life as they grow in the country they live in.

Cubbysnowdog · 27/12/2023 21:46

I’d explain the one parent one language thing and carry on OP. Your children are very lucky to have a chance at being bilingual. Out of interest , how long do you have to do OPOL for? Is it forever??! Or just until you deem them fully speaking the other language?

sonjadog · 27/12/2023 21:47

The OP's child will pick up English very quickly when he starts nursery. His passive knowledge will be huge even if he doesn't speak much at present. Conversations with a 2 year old are not going to be long and involved, so the OP isn't going to be having long discussions in front of the grandparents. It would be different if her child was a teen and they were talking over dinner in a language the grandparents don't understand. Now, that would be rude. The range of conversation with a 2 year old is limited anyway, so I find it unlikely that they have no idea what the OP might be saying. It is usually fairly obvious from the context.

Stick with it, OP. This situation will right itself in time when your son is older and is learning in an English speaking environment. I wouldn't let some people's discomfort with hearing other languages spoken take away the gift you are giving your son.

Pookerrod · 27/12/2023 21:47

Living in London I have lots of mum friends who are from France, Spain, Italy etc. they all did opol.

Our kids are now teens and they’re all completely bilingual, some are about to sit GCSE’s in French in the summer at 14 years old.

They don’t really do opol now when in company as it is considered rude to speak a language in front of someone who can’t also speak that language but until your kids are fully bilingual you don’t have much choice and most people respect that.

Characterbunting · 27/12/2023 21:48

I think it's absolutely wonderful you're bringing up your children to be bilingual. Such an advantage for them.

However, I would probably choose to speak English to them around your PIL or others who don't speak your language. It excludes people to use a language they don't understand and that's a bit rude.

I mean, when your children are older and have friends over, would you speak to your children in X language even in the presence of their friends or friends' parents?

arethereanyleftatall · 27/12/2023 21:48

It's not one or the other!!

It's perfectly possible for op that her dds will be bilingual whilst not excluding people in the room from the conversation.

MargotBamborough · 27/12/2023 21:49

IAmAnIdiot123 · 27/12/2023 21:43

Sounds like OPOL is a recognised method so I would keep that up if its working and wouldn't stop just because inlaws didn't like it. I do lots if things I'm sure my partners family don't like but oh well.

I know nothing about raising kids in a bilingual house so just wondered how OPOL works when you talk to your dh infront of the kids, presuming he doesn't speak your native language.

It completely depends on the family but I would guess that usually the parents continue to speak to each other in whatever language they used to communicate before kids.

Although now I'm really strict about only ever speaking my language in front of my kids but both my husband and I speak each other's languages so often I just speak mine and he replies in his.