To speak my own language to my child despite what my PIL think

[imnotfromroundhere]

I'm from Country X but I moved here when I was 14 so effectively speak fluent English and I'm fully bilingual. I realise what a privilege it is and want my children to be bilingual too.

I've got 2 DDs - 2.5yrs and 7mo. The youngest one doesn't speak, the older one speaks X language better (says mini phrases in X but only single words in English). We've committed to doing one parent one language so I speak only X to them and my husband speaks only English. I'm a SAHM, neither goes to nursery, DH works full time so mostly they're just around me.

DH is close to his family so we see them about once a month. Every time I speak to either of my DDs in X they give me a look as if to say "huh?" or "you doing it again?" (Ie speaking in a language we don't understand) or they'll stop their own conversation and stare at me if for example they're talking and I say something to her like "let's put a jumper on" or "don't touch that" etc. Obviously my children's abilities and making them bilingual is far more important than making PILs comfortable. But still makes me feel horrible like they're all judging me and hate me.

DH says he doesn't notice it. Definitely there though. He's quite close to his family and scared to offend them.

Hrtft but I think (if you haven't already) you need to sit down with your in laws and talk through your approach and why you're doing it. It might be a nice way to involve them in encouraging the English side if they're currently stronger in X language because they spend the majority of their time around you. Maybe they could translate for granny and granda to encourage use of both languages if they're old enough? I don't see anything wrong at all with what you're doing but I can also see it feeling a little excluding to the grandparents if they're not used to it.

the benefits of following opol exceed the little bit of uncomfortableness that the parents in law may feel and they should be old enough to understand why she is talking her own language to make it not rude. It is ignorant on their part to find it rude.

It is ignorant on their part to find it rude.

Doesn't that depend on whether OP/her DH have actually talked through the opol language approach with PILs and if they've explained how necessary it is for her to speak her own language with the children at this young age?

I don't think OP has clarified if this discussion and explanation has ever taken place.

@Characterbunting agree, this thread shows lots of people don't understand it. They might just need help/ education to appreciate what's going on.

And if the PIL are like “well we don’t want to hear a different language being spoken around us” or something to that degree despite explaining it to them, then OP has a problem

Yes @Libertyy, exactly, but we don't actually know if that's the situation as the OP hasn't been back. And many posters seem to be automatically thinking the worst of the PILs anyway.

The fact is, most people in the UK aren't accustomed to bilingualism. The approach OP's family is taking does need a little explanation to ensure wires aren't crossed.

The fact is, most people in the UK aren't accustomed to bilingualism. The approach OP's family is taking does need a little explanation to ensure wires aren't crossed

No, but that could be because people think it's "rude" to speak foreign languages around English speaking people!

It is sometimes rude to be fair @Nicesalad.
It depends on the circumstances and whether you're excluding people.

What the OP's doing is necessary, but I used to work with a number of people who all happened to come from the same European country. Often 2 or 3 of them would speak their own language together in the lunch room, even when there was (only) one other person present who didn't speak that language. All spoke English fluently and they did this to a number of different colleagues in turn. All were friendly otherwise.

Ok, I do appreciate how badly they wanted to speak their native tongue, but it was rude to isolate and exclude a colleague like this in my opinion. Have lunch together somewhere else! (There were lots of options.)

In other circumstances - eg two separate groups chatting in different languages in the lunch room - it's not rude at all.

I know some English people are a bit sniffy about other languages being spoken in the UK, but I'd give PIL the benefit of the doubt here in the absence of further information. They may simply feel excluded. Rightly or wrongly, the fact OP hasn't been back to clarify her approach with them makes me wonder if she explained things to them at all.

To add, the work lunchroom was set up with one big table which everyone sat around. And the person excluded would always have been a colleague that the others worked closely with and often socialised with.
I found it all quite strange and yes, rude.

@Characterbunting But adults conversing in their native language is a completely different situation to a toddler learning to speak.

Definitely speak to them in your own language at the moment. When they are older I would speak in English when others are around. DH speaks another language to DC and I think it quite off putting when their friends are there. They find it unfriendly, I think.

Yes I know @MargotBamborough, absolutely agree.
I was replying to pp who said
"... people think it's "rude" to speak foreign languages around English speaking people!"

I was saying that, depending on the situation, sometimes it is rude. OPOL is very decidedly not that situation. Even so, I do think OP should have given PIL a heads-up and I'm not sure that happened.

I live in France, kids dad was French. We spoke English at home unless we had company.

Anyone saying that you shouldn't help you children be bilingual though is just idiotic. Of course you should speak your language to them at every opportunity. Just not when it isolates others.

My step kids also speak English now. They are very dyslexic and it is the one subject that they consistently excel at. DH tends to switch off when there is too much English going on.

We spoke English at home unless we had company.

This is different from the OPs issue though. She just speaks to her children in her language when she's having 1 to 1 interaction, put your jumper on etc. I would hope that when they are all sitting round the table having a conversation with the GPs they all use English. However when I suggested this is the normal way even with OPOL she got the wrong end of the stick and thought I didn't understand OPOL.