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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH hates people and will no longer tolerate people he doesn't like including both our families

320 replies

wendall456 · 27/12/2023 20:40

My DH (possibly undiagnosed autistic) is not a people person and finds people annoying. He really hates my family and isn't overly keen on his either but I like my family - this is where the problem lies. He feels like he is going to explode when around anybody apart from the few people he likes (which is probably 5 different people ). He hates any type of socialising apart from with his 4 friends who he likes. Every christmas we end up arguing about it and he this year he has said if he knew now how annoying my family were he would have dumped me within a few months . We have been together 18 yrs. He knows that there is not much he can do about it as they are my family but he wishes I could see how annoying they are . Last year he really struggled over christmas with having to tolerate people and he made a really good effort all of this year to learn to tolerate people but he has decided he can't live a lie anymore and "pretend" so from now on he is going to only like who he likes and not pretend by tolerating people he doesn't like.

He says life is to short to fake it and he understands that I like my family and I like his family too but he is no longer able to pretend to like people. This means this coming year instead of making an effort he will completely step away as he needs to look after his own mental health and do what is best for him not other people.

My argument to this is that I would never treat people the way he does and although he doesn't actually treat them particularly badly because they aren't his type of people he doesn't want to be around them at all and he is so much happier when he doesn't have to be play happy families.

So this year he wants no contact with either side or made or forced to be social with anyone he doesn't like.

AIBU to think he is being selfish or should he do what is best for him and what keeps him sane?

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 27/12/2023 20:44

Hmmm. Do you have children?

I would say it's fine if he doesn't want to see anyone but that shouldn't stop you seeing the people you love. That might mean you going to visit your family while he stays at home by himself. Or if he goes away to visit a friend, you could invite people over.

I'm not sure I could live like that, though; I like socialising with DH. So it would be a dealbreaker for me. However, you've been together a long time, so there must be things you love about him and things that work?

Kitkatfiend31 · 27/12/2023 20:44

He is being unfair as he is not showing you any consideration. Personally I don't think I'd want to continue a relationship where I couldn't invite friends and family round. What do you actually do together?

TinyRebel · 27/12/2023 20:47

Part of being an adult is gritting your teeth and making an effort for the sake of people you wouldn’t normally choose to be friendly with for the sake of the person you purport to love.

mayorofcasterbridge · 27/12/2023 20:48

Not sure I could tolerate that tbh...

hattie43 · 27/12/2023 20:48

This is ridiculous. You cannot be expected to NC your family . He needs to resolve this .
Was he always like this

WonderLife · 27/12/2023 20:49

Why does he have to socialise if he doesn't want to?

Why can't he step away?

My DH (and DS) are similar and we just find a compromise that works for everyone - I socialise and he stays at home, or I have people round and he pops his head in to say hi and then gets on with things by himself upstairs.

Your way of being isn't the right or only way.

cansu · 27/12/2023 20:51

He is testing your reaction. If you accept this what next?

LittleOwl153 · 27/12/2023 20:52

I'd potentially accept him not coming with you when invited to see your family. I'd not tolerate not being able to have people in my home if I wanted to though.

You are definately heading in different directions though and I'd wonder how you can survive as a couple if you don't do anything together. Does he actually want to spend time with you?

Cattiwampus · 27/12/2023 20:54

@WonderLife , that’s how it works for us. DH isn’t social, other than with specific people in his academic sphere. Not unpleasant, he just fades into the background like a chameleon.
So the children and I did things we enjoyed and left him at home.
He did laundry, ironing and cleaning happily in an empty house.
It wouldn’t have occurred to him to stop me socialising with whoever I wanted to.

SleepPrettyDarling · 27/12/2023 20:55

Well, I assume that’s not how you want to live your life, so you are perfectly entitled to say his way is not your way. I’d feel utterly trapped by someone like that. And I’d worry about being isolated from friends, family and society.

Characterbunting · 27/12/2023 20:55

What is his solution to accommodate his preferences though?

Is he happy to stay upstairs with a book/tv while you invite family and friends over to socialise?
Which doesn't sound too bad, though it's still hard on you.

Or does he expect you never to invite people to your house?

Is he happy for you to be out and about socialising or will he grumble about this?

A lot depends on his expectations.

Wateroverwine · 27/12/2023 20:56

He needs to see others as humans with feelings seems he dehumanises people a lot other could do the same to him and he wouldn't like it

JaneyGee · 27/12/2023 20:56

I kind of sympathise with him. Having to socialise with people I don’t like is pure torture.

Purplewarrior · 27/12/2023 20:57

I think his needs are for him to consider and to meet.

However, if him meeting his own needs makes it intolerable for you to continue to live with him, then you should separate.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/12/2023 20:58

He says life is to short to fake it

He's not wrong. But that doesn't mean you have to stay with him.

TheSuggestedAmendment · 27/12/2023 20:59

cansu · 27/12/2023 20:51

He is testing your reaction. If you accept this what next?

This.

Take no prisoners. I’d say he if wasn’t much of a people person I wasn’t much of a him person. Life is too short for this and you must be firm in expecting good manners and respoect for your wishes as part of the basic relationship.

TwinklingLightsEverywhere · 27/12/2023 20:59

I think it is reasonable for him to set up boundaries and if that includes people he can't tolerate in his house then so be it.

He SHOULD consider the impact on you, but maybe he can't.

He definitely can't tell you who you can and can't see, including in your own home. Seems reasonable for him to be out when they visit or you go to see them.

Ultimately it is up to you to decide whether you can live with these boundaries.

Blinkityblonk · 27/12/2023 21:01

My issue with this would be the way that he has approached this, black and white, no flexibility, no discussion, just an assertion he's going NC with everyone except his few friends. What if he decides you aren't that relaxing, what with your needs to socialize, have friends and family and so on?

My husband is not super-sociable, but the way we work it is that I spend more time with my own family than he does, but if there's an important event (wedding, big birthday, anniversary) he attends, a kind of three-line whip event. Other than that he's pleasant if they are around, but if I go and visit them, he'd give it a miss.

You don't say if you have children, if you do, then his model of socializing would be even more problematic. I wouldn't want to be with someone who seems actively hostile to family, all family, with no good reason, he just doesn't seem a very understanding or nice person, perhaps you wouldn't have chosen him 18 years ago if you'd know he'd be like this.

Brefugee · 27/12/2023 21:03

if you don't want to leave you need to compromise. So in your shoes I'd say "ok, one Christmas i will stay home with you, and the next Christmas I'm going to my parents"

Or, if you can't go to your parents and the only way you can see them is for them to come to you, one Christmas you stay home with DH, and the next he goes to a hotel for 2 days while your family visit?

Blinkityblonk · 27/12/2023 21:03

I would also want a welcoming atmosphere in my home if my family called by, I wouldn't expect him to hang about chatting, but a pleasant welcome, help with food, would be a minimum. Amy less than that and he's cutting you off from your own family.

FinallyHere · 27/12/2023 21:03

Cattiwampus · 27/12/2023 20:54

@WonderLife , that’s how it works for us. DH isn’t social, other than with specific people in his academic sphere. Not unpleasant, he just fades into the background like a chameleon.
So the children and I did things we enjoyed and left him at home.
He did laundry, ironing and cleaning happily in an empty house.
It wouldn’t have occurred to him to stop me socialising with whoever I wanted to.

This.

My first relationship was all about taking everything in turns and equal time with each family.

I'm much happier now when we only do things together that we want to. Absolutely, it's not ok to try and control what the other person does by having established that you are each free to spend time as you want.

Hope you find what works for you.

topnoddy · 27/12/2023 21:04

hattie43 · 27/12/2023 20:48

This is ridiculous. You cannot be expected to NC your family . He needs to resolve this .
Was he always like this

That's not even mentioned !

WillowCraft · 27/12/2023 21:04

There needs to be a compromise here. Sometimes he can see family, sometimes you see them alone. Perhaps avoid people staying over. Or if they do, he is allowed to go to his bedroom when he's had enough, maybe every evening for example. For him to see no one all year is unreasonable but nor should he have to tolerate loads of noisy visitors in his home. He should not try to stop you from seeing people outside the home or having occasional visitors, especially if you can arrange visits for when he's doing other things.

Branleuse · 27/12/2023 21:04

Just because you've been with someone 18 years, doesn't mean you have to be with them forever

Confrontayshunme · 27/12/2023 21:05

Sounds exactly like my dad (also undiagnosed but definitely has autism). He has 3 friends and hates my mom's family and his own. We got used to going and doing what we want at Christmas, and if he felt like it, he would show up to eat for 30 minutes then leave instead of staying all day. Some Christmases, he would spend going on walks or watching tv, which meant he was happy and wr got our family time. My DH's family wouldn't dream of leaving one person out, but I grew up in a family where doing what made you happiest and not forcing everyone to do the same was okay.