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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH hates people and will no longer tolerate people he doesn't like including both our families

320 replies

wendall456 · 27/12/2023 20:40

My DH (possibly undiagnosed autistic) is not a people person and finds people annoying. He really hates my family and isn't overly keen on his either but I like my family - this is where the problem lies. He feels like he is going to explode when around anybody apart from the few people he likes (which is probably 5 different people ). He hates any type of socialising apart from with his 4 friends who he likes. Every christmas we end up arguing about it and he this year he has said if he knew now how annoying my family were he would have dumped me within a few months . We have been together 18 yrs. He knows that there is not much he can do about it as they are my family but he wishes I could see how annoying they are . Last year he really struggled over christmas with having to tolerate people and he made a really good effort all of this year to learn to tolerate people but he has decided he can't live a lie anymore and "pretend" so from now on he is going to only like who he likes and not pretend by tolerating people he doesn't like.

He says life is to short to fake it and he understands that I like my family and I like his family too but he is no longer able to pretend to like people. This means this coming year instead of making an effort he will completely step away as he needs to look after his own mental health and do what is best for him not other people.

My argument to this is that I would never treat people the way he does and although he doesn't actually treat them particularly badly because they aren't his type of people he doesn't want to be around them at all and he is so much happier when he doesn't have to be play happy families.

So this year he wants no contact with either side or made or forced to be social with anyone he doesn't like.

AIBU to think he is being selfish or should he do what is best for him and what keeps him sane?

OP posts:
Shakespeareandi · 27/12/2023 22:14

Life IS too short. Nobody HAS to go to any gatherings. If it makes his mental health worse, then he can stay at home. You can go by yourself and any dc. I don't see the problem at all. Let the people who enjoy seeing each other get together. I would never make someone come if they didn't want to, or it would make their mental health worse.
I swear there was a different AIBU post last week where the OP said her OH's family were horrible to spend time with, and she didn't want to spend Christmas with them. Most people said, 'Don't go.' Not one person labelled that poster a "selfish pig". Making someone go despite them saying they would rather not, or their mental health will suffer that's selfish. Just go on your own with your DC

SanitySlowlyGoing · 27/12/2023 22:15

OP.. I do hope he doesn't mean you can't see them either, that wouldn't be good for you.
If he's still happy for you to crack on and see all the family then you can make it work. There will be family members who don't get it and will take it personally, but then there will be most who really couldn't care less!

Selenitetower · 27/12/2023 22:16

I’m a bit like your DH, I don’t see people that I can’t tolerate/who don’t bring value to my life. I’m incredibly quick to cut people off if being around them is emotionally and mentally draining rather than ‘cup filling’. I have nothing to do with my in laws, DH and the kids see them often but they also live 4 hours away so he visits them with the kids and it’s no big deal, when they visit here I am often at work and they will stay with MILs sister when in town. I don’t have anything to do with my family and yeah probably only have like 5-6 friends I actually want to spend time with. DH and I don’t have shared friends so I do my own thing he does his. It works for us. I think I’d feel quite resentful if DH made me spend time with people I genuinely can’t stand being around.

Howbizzare22 · 27/12/2023 22:17

He’s not autistic OP, he’s a cunt.

BrainInAJar · 27/12/2023 22:20

I'm surprised more people aren't commenting on DH saying he would have dumped her if he'd known what her family were like! That would make me seriously consider my marriage. What an insult.

And I have full sympathy with finding people hard work and wanting to opt out of social situations.

LegoHeads · 27/12/2023 22:24

BrainInAJar · 27/12/2023 22:20

I'm surprised more people aren't commenting on DH saying he would have dumped her if he'd known what her family were like! That would make me seriously consider my marriage. What an insult.

And I have full sympathy with finding people hard work and wanting to opt out of social situations.

Agreed, he sounds horrible. Being autistic (maybe) is no excuse for being so insulting and unkind.

Obviously up to you but I couldn’t live like that and I’d be ending the marriage.

Crucible · 27/12/2023 22:25

It's the anger at the heart of it that worries me for you OP. It's all terribly dramatic and limiting for anyone outside his sphere of special people. I'm not even clear that you are one of his 4 chosen ones.

Being around people you don't care for is not torture. Maybe some folks need to look up what torture is.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/12/2023 22:25

@wendall456

So, is he saying you can't see your family because he doesn't want to or is he just saying HE won't see them? And, is he saying he will absent himself if they're there or that they are not allowed in your (shared) home?

If he is saying he doesn't want to see them and will leave if they're there, then that's his decision and I'd carry on if I didn't want to leave him, I guess. But if he was saying that I was not allowed to see my own family and that they were 'barred' from our home, then fuck him I'd leave no question. No, actually I'd leave either way myself. Life's too short to live with someone's shit. And if you have children, I'd definitely leave either way, too.

As to him seeing his family or not, that's his decision and I'd wash my hands of any involvement.

My exH didn't want to be around my family, but that was pure jealousy because his family wasn't close like my family was. Not in each other's pockets, just we enjoyed each other's company. He couldn't stand it. He'd come to a family event and just get up and leave without a word to anyone. Not the main reason I left him, but it did make it easier!

GreatGateauxsby · 27/12/2023 22:26

We have been together 18 yrs

was he like this 18 years ago…? I.e. has he always felt like he is “going to explode” 🙄🙄🙄
or is this a more recent development???

I have no idea how you live like this or why you want to stayed married to someone who behaves like this.

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 27/12/2023 22:32

Interesting that he has said if he knew how annoying your family were he would have dumped you within a few months - I'm afraid I would have been dumping him within a few weeks if I knew he was going to behave the way he is!!

Does he work? How on earth does he avoid dealing with other people - none of us can completely shut ourselves off from others?

Frankly he sounds awful. I'm not sure I would want to continue to stay with someone so inflexible - and as for wishing you could see how annoying your family are, I wouldn't be tolerating that at all. I couldn't live with this and would have been long gone.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 27/12/2023 22:33

How on earth have you put up with him for 18 years?! It must be enormously restrictive to your social life and to what you're able to do as a couple. I could not be married to someone like that, whatever the reason for their behaviour.

Thepeopleversuswork · 27/12/2023 22:34

@AcrossthePond55

Even in the most benign interpretation possible, that he's not stopping the OP from seeing her friends and family but just reserves the right not to see them himself, he's still been a complete arsehole to her by telling her he would have left if he'd known when they met how much he would hate her family.

Why are people piling on to make excuses for him because he "might be" autistic or because he's not a "people person" or he might an introvert or whatever. That's as maybe (though in my view it's not an excuse for completely cutting off contact) but it's irrelevant.

What's relevant is that this guy is trying to make his wife believe that her family are so awful that if he'd known what they were like when he met her he wouldn't have married her. He's trashing the whole marriage and her whole sense of who she is, either to be abusive, to bring her down or to let himself off the hook from any future social events with her family. He's an arsehole.

Bitchassmosquito · 27/12/2023 22:35

So he's either a calculating, abusive cunt who is trying to drive a wedge between the OP and her family or just a sociopathic cunt with no friends who is jealous that the OP is better at relationships and is lashing out at her as a result. Not sure which is worse.

I don’t really see any evidence that he’s either of these things tbh. I’m not trying to argue he’s a personable person, because he obviously isn’t, but a sociopathic cunt? Because he won’t visit people he doesn’t like? Give over.

MrsBarryGrant · 27/12/2023 22:36

Have to say, I admire his honesty and wish I had the strength to do the same. I intend to make 2024 the year of saying no to things I don’t want to do. No excuses or made up lies, just no.

3ofus3 · 27/12/2023 22:38

I really struggle with socialising. This Christmas has been so hard. (Also waiting assessment)
Last year I promised myself to say no more. And I've stuck to it.
Fair play to him.

Autumnleaves89 · 27/12/2023 22:40

3ofus3 · 27/12/2023 22:38

I really struggle with socialising. This Christmas has been so hard. (Also waiting assessment)
Last year I promised myself to say no more. And I've stuck to it.
Fair play to him.

Fair play to him for speaking to his wife like a piece of shit?

Teenagehorrorbag · 27/12/2023 22:41

Hmm - very likely autistic, but that's neither here nor there, except maybe to help you understand how he feels.

What seems odd is you've been together so long - how has he been in the past? Is he perfectly capable of masking how he feels and being a jolly partner if he feels it appropriate? Or has he gone through hell on earth for you every year since you met? It does seem odd if this is a new issue?

I really feel for both of you as socialising with partners and families is important to most of us - but also if it's making a loved one feel ill we need to consider that. Hopefully you can find some sort of compromise....

Autumnleaves89 · 27/12/2023 22:48

@Teenagehorrorbag why very likely? You’ve never even met the man. Just as likely that he’s an arse hole.

Scirocco · 27/12/2023 22:48

If you think he's autistic, it could be autistic burnout - unable to face any more surviving the stress of masking and navigating social situations. If it is, then he may need some time where he's told it's ok for him to not have to do social obligations, for him to use his own ways to reset and get himself together again enough that he can face it again. He could also use this as a trigger to motivate himself to go and get formally assessed and understand more about how his brain works so that he can develop better coping strategies.

If you think that's applicable to him, you could say to him that he's welcome to not socialise but you intend to continue, and you want him to seek a professional opinion on diagnosis.

Autistic burnout isn't a permanent state, people do recover, and he can develop coping strategies to minimise the risk of it happening.

However, if you don't think this is what's going on, and instead you think he's trying to hurt you and to isolate you from your loved ones, then you shouldn't stick around for that.

fancyflower · 27/12/2023 22:49

Howbizzare22 · 27/12/2023 22:17

He’s not autistic OP, he’s a cunt.

jfc these two things aren't mutually exclusive!

Epidote · 27/12/2023 22:54

If he doesn't bother with you going and socialising enjoy your family gatherings and leave him on his own stuff.

The issue here is not that he doesn't like to socialise and you do, the issue will be if you or him want to force the other to do it their way.

I ve voted YABU, if my partner thought that I was selfish after years of having bad time around people I don't like just to please him I wouldn't be impressed.

Crumpleton · 27/12/2023 22:55

My DH (possibly undiagnosed autistic) is not a people person and finds people annoying.

Haven't read all the replies so could be repeating..

First of all you need to get a diagnosis to see if DH is autistic instead of him just possibly being so.

The outcome will then determine if he genuinely has difficulties being around people as many autistic people do.

Original poster
wendall456 · 27/12/2023 22:57

Thanks for all the comments. Lots of different perspectives from different people - so a here a few points or answers to questions that people have asked.

  • He does not expect me to stop seeing my family or his family but he has no interest in seeing any of them next year because this previous year he tried to tolerate them and it has made him even less tolerant of them
  • He finds it hard to why I want to see them as to him they are annoying, loud, lazy, selfish, too posh, too alternative, too flash with money, etc etc.
  • He likes normal people the same as him (his words)
  • When I met him my parents lived 50 miles away and still worked and he probably only saw them a handful of times so he didn't really know them that well when we got married but they are very different to him and this is what he can't deal with. He can only tolerate people who he gels with, he can't do small talk or talk about stuff that doesn't interest him.
  • He worries as I get older I will end up like my mum.
  • We have kids and when they were little we had no help from either side and this has contributed to what he thinks of them and why.
  • I am very social and he was when I met him but as time has gone on he has watched people change to fit in with new social norms and he will not do this.
  • I have lots of friends and often go out and unless is a girls specific night out I always invite him and he declines. Never used to be a problem but he is he getting more annoyed when I do go out without him.
  • Going out together as a couple is hard due to childcare issues BUT when we do we have a brilliant time
  • He will do anything to avoid being anywhere near people including trains and supermarkets
  • He works but in a very solitary job where he does have to see anyone all day
  • My 17 yr old is very like him and my 14 yr old is a complete extrovert which he finds hard to handle.
  • And finally I suppose the one thing I do know is that it isn't just my family he doesn't like it is people in general.
OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 27/12/2023 22:59

@Bitchassmosquito

I don’t really see any evidence that he’s either of these things tbh. I’m not trying to argue he’s a personable person, because he obviously isn’t, but a sociopathic cunt? Because he won’t visit people he doesn’t like? Give over.

No, not because he won't visit people he doesn't like. Give over yourself, you know exactly what he's done wrong because we've already discussed it.

Because he's told his wife if he'd known how much he hated her family when they met he wouldn't have married her. Why are people banging on about how much they "struggle with socialising" and how honest and liberating he is. This isn't the point. The point is that he's trying to make his wife doubt herself, her marriage and her family.

5128gap · 27/12/2023 23:01

I have some sympathy with him tbh and don't think any of us should be forced repeatedly and at length to spend time with people if we feel uncomfortable. However, my sympathy wanes a little at his absolute rigidity as I think he could compromise for your sake, and agree to some contact to avoid there being a big issue with hurt feelings for you to deal with. I'd say him agreeing to short (an hour tops) contact very occasionally would be reasonable, and you extending your own visits and making them more frequently.