Page 6 | DH hates people and will no longer tolerate people he doesn't like including both our families

wendall456 · 2023-12-27T20:40:14+00:00

My DH (possibly undiagnosed autistic) is not a people person and finds people annoying. He really hates my family and isn't overly keen on his either but I like my family - this is where the problem lies. He feels like he is going to explode when around anybody apart from the few people he likes (which is probably 5 different people ). He hates any type of socialising apart from with his 4 friends who he likes. Every christmas we end up arguing about it and he this year he has said if he knew now how annoying my family were he would have dumped me within a few months . We have been together 18 yrs. He knows that there is not much he can do about it as they are my family but he wishes I could see how annoying they are . Last year he really struggled over christmas with having to tolerate people and he made a really good effort all of this year to learn to tolerate people but he has decided he can't live a lie anymore and "pretend" so from now on he is going to only like who he likes and not pretend by tolerating people he doesn't like. He says life is to short to fake it and he understands that I like my family and I like his family too but he is no longer able to pretend to like people. This means this coming year instead of making an effort he will completely step away as he needs to look after his own mental health and do what is best for him not other people. My argument to this is that I would never treat people the way he does and although he doesn't actually treat them particularly badly because they aren't his type of people he doesn't want to be around them at all and he is so much happier when he doesn't have to be play happy families. So this year he wants no contact with either side or made or forced to be social with anyone he doesn't like. AIBU to think he is being selfish or should he do what is best for him and what keeps him sane?

Thepeopleversuswork · 27/12/2023 23:04

@wendall456

Thanks for clarifying. TBH he sounds even worse than he did in your original post.

We've already established that he's extremely socially inept and you'll never get past that, but this

He worries as I get older I will end up like my mum

Stands out as being uniquely vindictive and spiteful. That's a truly ugly thing to say to your spouse.

Everything you've said here screams of a petty, small-minded and selfish man with a chip on the shoulder who resents you for basically being in every way more likeable and socially capable than him.

You could maybe find workarounds to his phobia about seeing your family (if you want to - I wouldn't). But you'll never be able to move past the fact that he basically resents and hates you for being better than him.

Why would anyone stay with someone who is so determined not to enjoy life?

Thegoodbadandugly · 27/12/2023 23:05

wendall456 · 27/12/2023 22:57

Thanks for all the comments. Lots of different perspectives from different people - so a here a few points or answers to questions that people have asked.

He does not expect me to stop seeing my family or his family but he has no interest in seeing any of them next year because this previous year he tried to tolerate them and it has made him even less tolerant of them
He finds it hard to why I want to see them as to him they are annoying, loud, lazy, selfish, too posh, too alternative, too flash with money, etc etc.
He likes normal people the same as him (his words)
When I met him my parents lived 50 miles away and still worked and he probably only saw them a handful of times so he didn't really know them that well when we got married but they are very different to him and this is what he can't deal with. He can only tolerate people who he gels with, he can't do small talk or talk about stuff that doesn't interest him.
He worries as I get older I will end up like my mum.
We have kids and when they were little we had no help from either side and this has contributed to what he thinks of them and why.
I am very social and he was when I met him but as time has gone on he has watched people change to fit in with new social norms and he will not do this.
I have lots of friends and often go out and unless is a girls specific night out I always invite him and he declines. Never used to be a problem but he is he getting more annoyed when I do go out without him.
Going out together as a couple is hard due to childcare issues BUT when we do we have a brilliant time
He will do anything to avoid being anywhere near people including trains and supermarkets
He works but in a very solitary job where he does have to see anyone all day
My 17 yr old is very like him and my 14 yr old is a complete extrovert which he finds hard to handle.
And finally I suppose the one thing I do know is that it isn't just my family he doesn't like it is people in general.

He is now getting annoyed when you go out without him, this is very controlling, what does he want? He doesn't want to socialise but doesn't want you to socialise either. Red flags I'm sorry looks like he's trying to cut you off from everyone.

Porridgeinblankies · 27/12/2023 23:05

Your update has made it worse. All those things about your family goodness me!
Honestly. I am not that surprised.
People change as they get older. Sometimes for better sometimes for worse. They become more set in their ways but also perhaps feel safer in the marriage to exert what they truly think.
And quite frankly OP. Even he is not stupid enough to say it but I'd wonder if a tiny part of him isn't looking down on you.

He worries you'll 'end up like your mum' for a start.

I'd not be able to look at him the same way. End of the road. I'd be checking out of this marriage emotionally even if not ready to leave yet.

Does he even respect and like you still?

Merrymouse · 27/12/2023 23:08

I have lots of friends and often go out and unless is a girls specific night out I always invite him and he declines. Never used to be a problem but he is he getting more annoyed when I do go out without him

It sounds as though he does find your sociability annoying. Whether that is a problem is for you to decide - but there is a difference between having a low social battery/finding social interactions challenging and having a general dislike of most people. He does sound like a bit of a twat.

JaneAustensHeroine · 27/12/2023 23:10

I think it’s ok OP as long as you are happy to see people independently and do your own thing. Marriage doesn’t mean being joined at the hip and you are two different people with different preferences and friendships.

It all depends whether you are happy with this and feel ok about his attitude towards your family. I’d be ok with it as long as he wasn’t outwardly rude to them but for some people that might be a deal-breaker.

Fraaahnces · 27/12/2023 23:11

There is no way I could live like this. He’s got serious issues and is telling you that his feelings are all everyone else having problems. Telling you that he is concerned that you will turn into your mother (implying that he will leave or kick you out if you do) is absolutely abusive, threatening behaviour. It is as though he is the centre of the universe and is the sun around whom everyone orbits. He is quite convinced he is not a part of the world.

ChaToilLeam · 27/12/2023 23:12

I really don’t think I could be bothered with him. It’s one thing for him to avoid social occasions but when you say he is getting annoyed at you for socialising and that he can’t handle your more extroverted child - well I‘m afraid he sounds rather unpleasant.

3ofus3 · 27/12/2023 23:12

@Autumnleaves89
In my post I only say about myself saying "no" more often and I've stuck to it. In the OPs original post she mentions that is what he has said he is going to do. So fair play to him to that. Or do you just say yes to people to please others?

miniatureroses · 27/12/2023 23:15

I wonder if he is suffering from autistic burnout and this is driving his unreasonable behaviours?

On one hand, I'm on his side (not faking it or giving time to doing things you just don't want to do.) On the other hand, you still have to be polite to people and, in a marriage, accept that you are part of extended families. He needs to find a way to meet his needs and not interfere with your and your children's relationships outside of him.

Him choosing his behaviours is one thing. Trying to choose yours is starting to sound a bit controlling, and that's not ok.

I wonder if this is something you can work through in marriage counselling with someone to help you communicate and find a way forward, or if things are such that you need to question the future of the marriage and if it can meet both your needs.

Tough position to be in, OP.

Howbizarre22 · 27/12/2023 23:17

His attitude stinks OP. I’m not saying he should be a best mates with your family but a few hours a year over Christmas- it’s human decency to just be pleasant & make the effort with the family of the one you love. A few HOURS a year fgs.
Im sick of all this post covid attitude of “I come first before anyone else it’s all about what I want from now” look I’m all for self care & doing more of what makes you happy but that’s not this. This is fucking hurtful & rude & self centred . I personally couldn’t be with someone like this. I don’t mind an introvert at all but sorry he’s a rude, miserable self centred fucker. You deserve someone kind & caring without the extreme me me me selfishness. It’s really Damn insulting to you to say he’d have dumped you years ago if he knew your family.

Epidote · 27/12/2023 23:18

OP, by your last update I think he is a bit of a arse "worrying about you ending like your mum" when he is a person who only likes a handful of people is a bit arsy and OTT.

I don't like many people but I don't judge them as posh, etc etc, just people I don't like because I don't like to be around of most of the people I know.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 27/12/2023 23:20

I would leave him. Let him be a recluse. You deserve a better life.

Original poster

wendall456 · 27/12/2023 23:20

To be fair the rest of the year the contact with family (both sides) is much more spread out but at christmas it is literally a week of fitting in seeing everyone and he is off work too and doesn't want to spend his holiday seeing and being around people. Tomorrow we have no plans so hopefully will get to out for a walk together without him having to see anyone but on Friday we are seeing his mum and brother and sister in law and nephew. I would like him to come but I do think he is definitely on people burnout and will probably flip out (which he has been honest about ) if he does come. I am not defending him but I do think I have packed to much social contact in to this week and he just can't cope - hence the nasty remarks about my family - or then maybe I am making excuses for him. I am so confused........................

OP posts:

randomstress · 27/12/2023 23:25

3ofus3 · 27/12/2023 23:12

@Autumnleaves89
In my post I only say about myself saying "no" more often and I've stuck to it. In the OPs original post she mentions that is what he has said he is going to do. So fair play to him to that. Or do you just say yes to people to please others?

One of the things that I'm working through teaching my teens is give and take.
You can't always have everything your way but you should sometimes, it is about balance.
Don't only be a people pleaser but don't only be a selfish arse either.

miniatureroses · 27/12/2023 23:25

wendall456 · 27/12/2023 23:20

To be fair the rest of the year the contact with family (both sides) is much more spread out but at christmas it is literally a week of fitting in seeing everyone and he is off work too and doesn't want to spend his holiday seeing and being around people. Tomorrow we have no plans so hopefully will get to out for a walk together without him having to see anyone but on Friday we are seeing his mum and brother and sister in law and nephew. I would like him to come but I do think he is definitely on people burnout and will probably flip out (which he has been honest about ) if he does come. I am not defending him but I do think I have packed to much social contact in to this week and he just can't cope - hence the nasty remarks about my family - or then maybe I am making excuses for him. I am so confused........................

This is where a marriage counsellor could help you two work out something without it devolving into lack of listening to each other. A week isn't much but if he is in autistic burnout, it might feel impossible. If you do use a counsellor, make sure it's someone who has a deep understanding of autism.

Does he have the option of taking his leave at another time of year? Can you have visitors for a shorter time next year? Would it help if you asked him if you can just get through this year and next year you'll work out something different with him?

I have an autistic family member who we visit who can only handle so much contact. He will sometimes take himself off to his room for some quiet time. I don't take offense as I know it's what he needs and he needs to be able to do that to enjoy our company.

A lot of his demands are unreasonable and controlling though, especially if you can't even go out yourself.

I'd also consider that he could be on the verge of a mental breakdown if this isn't typical behaviour from him. He may need immediate help without worrying about working out visiting schedules if he's about to have a mental health crisis.

StillCreatingAName · 27/12/2023 23:25

OP, you say you’ve been together 18 years, so is this behaviour a very recent thing? It sounds as though he’s on the cusp of a breakdown and this is a controlling mechanism he wants to put in place to stop any further spiral.

Has there been anything significant that’s happened recently to cause a trigger in his behaviour- such as bereavement, job loss, medical diagnosis (or the awaiting diagnosis) or similar? Or has he always had episodes like this over your time together?

Thegoodbadandugly · 27/12/2023 23:25

wendall456 · 27/12/2023 23:20

To be fair the rest of the year the contact with family (both sides) is much more spread out but at christmas it is literally a week of fitting in seeing everyone and he is off work too and doesn't want to spend his holiday seeing and being around people. Tomorrow we have no plans so hopefully will get to out for a walk together without him having to see anyone but on Friday we are seeing his mum and brother and sister in law and nephew. I would like him to come but I do think he is definitely on people burnout and will probably flip out (which he has been honest about ) if he does come. I am not defending him but I do think I have packed to much social contact in to this week and he just can't cope - hence the nasty remarks about my family - or then maybe I am making excuses for him. I am so confused........................

Your making excuses for him, he's emotionally blackmailing you, he's telling you he's going to kick off if he sees family before it's even happened that to me is pre meditated

Thecatmaster · 27/12/2023 23:26

I get his point. I have wasted time with people out of sheer politeness, but the point of him tolerating and socialising with your family is to be considerate of you and your feelings. Therefore this causes problems between you and affects him, causing him, probably more stress than had he just gritted his teeth and met up with them. His view is rather naive that he can just ignore whoever he wishes whenever he wants and he will somehow be happier and more fulfilled as a result. We form relationships with others around us because they are self serving and generally are beneficial, even if boring at times.

Delassalle · 27/12/2023 23:27

He must accept that he is the problem and if you have family round he is to go upstairs and stay out of the way.

Charlize43 · 27/12/2023 23:29

"Never used to be a problem but he is he getting more annoyed when I do go out without him."

Sounds like this has the potential to grow into a big problem.

Could he be clinically depressed and this is why he has become so antisocial?

ClareBlue · 27/12/2023 23:29

trytopullyoursocksup · 27/12/2023 22:06

There is a difference between enjoying people and finding it easy to spend time with them; and how much of people you actually need.
A lot of men think they are more self sufficient than they are, don't do any of the hard work (which it is, to many of us, to maintain a reasonably broad and stable group of associations), and just put all their needs on one or two people.

This isn't fair. If he is really happy to go off and live alone in the woods, let him. Let him deal with it when he's failing and infirm too, he must have a plan of some sort for that, as well. (he won't have a plan for this)

If his plan is to just associate on his own lazy selfish terms solely with a few people and his wife and therefore make increasing emotional and practical demands on her - ltb

(he may not even know himself that this is actually his plan)

This is so true. People like this, usually men, put all their needs on a partner which eventually becomes claustrophobic and unhealthy. Exactly what you say, they are not actually so self sufficient that they don't need people, they just focus everything on their partner. But a healthy situation is when we have social structures that support our partnership outside it. It's the old teenage romance when you say we don't need anybody but each other and neglect all your friends in an intense first love. It's usually the women who breaks out of that after a couple of years as they feel hemed in and restricted in making friends.
Nobody needs to be forced to spend hours socialising but a couple of hours at Christmas with your partner's family being civilised and friendly doesn't compromise being 'true to your self' and makes you less of a selfish twat.

BitOutOfPractice · 27/12/2023 23:29

So he’s getting more curmudgeonly, intolerant and controlling As he gets older?

I have to say he doesn’t sound very nice. Especially when you say his intolerance extends to his own wife and son.

the comment about dumping you if he’d known your family is really hurtful. Really nasty.

I notice you don’t include yourself op on the list of people he likes. What a sad state of affairs.

FlyingMonkeyNever · 27/12/2023 23:31

Lordy!
A lot of people, autistic or not, find Christmas overwhelming.
He sounds like this Christmas has done him in, and he’s expressing that he’s had enough.

Yes, he was rude and his requirements going forward are pretty extreme, esp. declaring that he doesn’t want anything to do with his own family either!
But, if this is how he feels, you need to get to the bottom of this. Did anything particular happen with family over Christmas that would make him say this after 18 years of seeing both sides of your family?

As other pp have asked - Do you have children? As his behaviour will obviously have a negative impact on the quality of their relationships with family and friends if their father is allowed to blight their lives with his selfish demands.

I believe I’m likely to be autistic. DH too. We both have several diagnosed and undiagnosed family members who also fit the bill. Our DS9 is awaiting an ASD Assessment via his school (nearly got expelled).

I have a few family members that I keep away from for good reason, but I wouldn’t cut off both sides of my whole family as a result. Luckily, the problem family members keep to themselves at Christmas and other big family gatherings, so we don’t worry about seeing them.

OP - If your DH wants to help himself and save his marriage, he’s going to have to seek out an ASD Assessment.

AnotherEmma · 27/12/2023 23:33

wendall456 · 27/12/2023 22:57

Thanks for all the comments. Lots of different perspectives from different people - so a here a few points or answers to questions that people have asked.

He does not expect me to stop seeing my family or his family but he has no interest in seeing any of them next year because this previous year he tried to tolerate them and it has made him even less tolerant of them
He finds it hard to why I want to see them as to him they are annoying, loud, lazy, selfish, too posh, too alternative, too flash with money, etc etc.
He likes normal people the same as him (his words)
When I met him my parents lived 50 miles away and still worked and he probably only saw them a handful of times so he didn't really know them that well when we got married but they are very different to him and this is what he can't deal with. He can only tolerate people who he gels with, he can't do small talk or talk about stuff that doesn't interest him.
He worries as I get older I will end up like my mum.
We have kids and when they were little we had no help from either side and this has contributed to what he thinks of them and why.
I am very social and he was when I met him but as time has gone on he has watched people change to fit in with new social norms and he will not do this.
I have lots of friends and often go out and unless is a girls specific night out I always invite him and he declines. Never used to be a problem but he is he getting more annoyed when I do go out without him.
Going out together as a couple is hard due to childcare issues BUT when we do we have a brilliant time
He will do anything to avoid being anywhere near people including trains and supermarkets
He works but in a very solitary job where he does have to see anyone all day
My 17 yr old is very like him and my 14 yr old is a complete extrovert which he finds hard to handle.
And finally I suppose the one thing I do know is that it isn't just my family he doesn't like it is people in general.

I'm sorry but based on this I think you should leave him.

There's nothing wrong with introverts at all, but he sounds like an unpleasant person who is getting worse. He's a misanthropist. I couldn't love someone who was so critical and intolerant of my family, and who didn't want to go out but didn't like me going out either. His dislike of human interaction is so extreme that it must restrict your lives as a couple and family.

Merrymouse · 27/12/2023 23:33

wendall456 · 27/12/2023 23:20

To be fair the rest of the year the contact with family (both sides) is much more spread out but at christmas it is literally a week of fitting in seeing everyone and he is off work too and doesn't want to spend his holiday seeing and being around people. Tomorrow we have no plans so hopefully will get to out for a walk together without him having to see anyone but on Friday we are seeing his mum and brother and sister in law and nephew. I would like him to come but I do think he is definitely on people burnout and will probably flip out (which he has been honest about ) if he does come. I am not defending him but I do think I have packed to much social contact in to this week and he just can't cope - hence the nasty remarks about my family - or then maybe I am making excuses for him. I am so confused........................

So the answer is to preserve some extended quiet time and spread out the family visits over December and January and/or schedule them so you just have a couple of family days for each side of the family.

However that doesn’t deal with the mean remarks and grouchiness about you spending time with friends.