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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH hates people and will no longer tolerate people he doesn't like including both our families

320 replies

wendall456 · 27/12/2023 20:40

My DH (possibly undiagnosed autistic) is not a people person and finds people annoying. He really hates my family and isn't overly keen on his either but I like my family - this is where the problem lies. He feels like he is going to explode when around anybody apart from the few people he likes (which is probably 5 different people ). He hates any type of socialising apart from with his 4 friends who he likes. Every christmas we end up arguing about it and he this year he has said if he knew now how annoying my family were he would have dumped me within a few months . We have been together 18 yrs. He knows that there is not much he can do about it as they are my family but he wishes I could see how annoying they are . Last year he really struggled over christmas with having to tolerate people and he made a really good effort all of this year to learn to tolerate people but he has decided he can't live a lie anymore and "pretend" so from now on he is going to only like who he likes and not pretend by tolerating people he doesn't like.

He says life is to short to fake it and he understands that I like my family and I like his family too but he is no longer able to pretend to like people. This means this coming year instead of making an effort he will completely step away as he needs to look after his own mental health and do what is best for him not other people.

My argument to this is that I would never treat people the way he does and although he doesn't actually treat them particularly badly because they aren't his type of people he doesn't want to be around them at all and he is so much happier when he doesn't have to be play happy families.

So this year he wants no contact with either side or made or forced to be social with anyone he doesn't like.

AIBU to think he is being selfish or should he do what is best for him and what keeps him sane?

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 27/12/2023 21:47

@Bitchassmosquito

Except he’s not trying to control her in any way

He is. He's trying to get her to agree with him about how annoying her family are (and presumably is unpleasant about them when the OP defends them) and to allow herself to be cut off from them because he insists on having to "step out" every time they visit. It's more or less textbook control.

Mirabai · 27/12/2023 21:47

Do you have kids OP?

Bitchassmosquito · 27/12/2023 21:47

But it's not ok for him to demand you stop seeing people

Beginning to suspect I’m wasting my breath here (so to speak) but there’s nothing in the OP to suggest he’s demanding she stop seeing other people just that he won’t see them.
You know she can go without him right?

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 27/12/2023 21:48

Porridgeinblankies · 27/12/2023 21:38

DH and I are both ND and don't particularly like people. Understand him coming for just a short visit or whatever instead of having to spend an entire day with them
but this
this year he has said if he knew now how annoying my family were he would have dumped me within a few months.

Is Unacceptable.

Getting quite annoyed at autism being used as an excuse for being a twat and these days everyone thinks they're 'something or other'. No need to mention it unless it impacts your life enough for you to start the diagnostic process. Geez.

Edited

👏 You win the thread.

It's possible to negotiate a less-peopley Christmas without insulting your spouse's entire family and insinuating that you regret your marriage.

And yes, I too am sick of "might he be autistic?" popping up on every thread about shitty male behaviour.

Noalcohol2024 · 27/12/2023 21:48

As soon as he said he would have dumped me if he knew what my family were going to be like I would have asked him to leave. How long will it be before the new ‘him’ decides that you are too annoying?

Newchapterbeckons · 27/12/2023 21:48

How can you lead any kind of fulfilling life op? If your life is limited to four people of HIS choice.
If you are to stay together a compromise is needed.

SanitySlowlyGoing · 27/12/2023 21:50

@Thepeopleversuswork
I hear you, and trust me you are not the first person I've heard ask this... and I can't explain it! He's not like it with me, he's funny, he's kind to me, he's a good provider, great with our DDs, we've been through a lot together.
Just because he doesn't like going out or socialising doesn't make him any less of a partner to me... if that makes sense!
A lot of my friends now joke about it and ask if he's burried under the patio as they never see him. Its just how we work.
And it does work for us x

Bitchassmosquito · 27/12/2023 21:50

He is. He's trying to get her to agree with him about how annoying her family are (and presumably is unpleasant about them when the OP defends them) and to allow herself to be cut off from them because he insists on having to "step out" every time they visit.

Where did you get that idea from?

Mirabai · 27/12/2023 21:51

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 27/12/2023 21:48

👏 You win the thread.

It's possible to negotiate a less-peopley Christmas without insulting your spouse's entire family and insinuating that you regret your marriage.

And yes, I too am sick of "might he be autistic?" popping up on every thread about shitty male behaviour.

Show quote history

Agreed. And of course there are plenty of ND people who actually like people and like socialising, even if it brings challenges for them.

Merrymouse · 27/12/2023 21:52

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 27/12/2023 21:48

👏 You win the thread.

It's possible to negotiate a less-peopley Christmas without insulting your spouse's entire family and insinuating that you regret your marriage.

And yes, I too am sick of "might he be autistic?" popping up on every thread about shitty male behaviour.

Show quote history

Agree

AdrianaLaCerva · 27/12/2023 21:53

How very selfish he sounds. YANBU OP. I would find this behaviour completely intolerable.

Honeyroar · 27/12/2023 21:55

I’m him in female form! I’m thoroughly sick of my husband’s family’s Xmas. They adore Xmas, do it massive, very boozy, very loud with obligatory games (which must be as loud as possible). It always has to be at their house to fit round their grown up kids schedules. Always at a time that is incredibly awkward for us as we have horses to do before we come. I’ve been to more than ten over the 18 years I’ve been with my husband (I often worked Xmas so missed a few). For the past few years I’ve done a quieter Xmas for my elderly parents and avoided the in laws big do, but they started doing a second and third meal on the 26th/27th so we could still come! Last year my dad had just died and I had to work most of Xmas so I dropped my husband off for the meal, went to work, and picked him up later. I walked into a room of pissed up people playing a rowdy game, who insisted I joined in that moment, despite me saying I didn’t want to. I was finding Xmas tough as it was without my dad. This year I have refused flat to go. I’m in my 50s, I’m having the quiet Xmas I want! I think my husband is a little miffed, but I’m not stopping him going. I feel like I’d actually rather leave my marriage than be pushed into doing more of these big xmases!

Merrymouse · 27/12/2023 21:56

How will this play out if either of your parents need more care?

Thepeopleversuswork · 27/12/2023 21:56

Bitchassmosquito · 27/12/2023 21:50

He is. He's trying to get her to agree with him about how annoying her family are (and presumably is unpleasant about them when the OP defends them) and to allow herself to be cut off from them because he insists on having to "step out" every time they visit.

Where did you get that idea from?

The OP says:

Every christmas we end up arguing about it and he this year he has said if he knew now how annoying my family were he would have dumped me within a few months.

You are being deliberately obtuse if you're claiming you can't see how offensive and controlling it is to try to make your spouse feel that you would have ended an 18 year marriage before it began if you had known in advance how much you hated their family.

That's a deliberate attempt by someone to neg their spouse, to chip away at their sense of self and self-esteem, to make them doubt their judgement and to make them feel that they need to choose between their family and friends and their spouse. And just breathtakingly rude and hurtful.

It's one thing to want not to be overwhelmed with family or to want some solitude: that I could totally understand. But we're talking about someone going out of their way to sabotage the way the person they are supposed to love most feels about their family and their marriage. It's shitty as fuck and I just don't buy that anyone actually thinks it's OK.

Mojolostforever · 27/12/2023 21:57

TinyRebel · 27/12/2023 20:47

Part of being an adult is gritting your teeth and making an effort for the sake of people you wouldn’t normally choose to be friendly with for the sake of the person you purport to love.

This. We can't like everybody, but most people make some effort when they are in family or friendship groups. It's called being sociable. No doubt some people find it harder than others, but it's not that hard to nod and smile.

Merrymouse · 27/12/2023 21:57

How would this play out if either of you need more care?

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 27/12/2023 21:58

He's a selfish pig.

ThereIbledit · 27/12/2023 22:02

So this year he wants no contact with either side or made or forced to be social with anyone he doesn't like.

OP can you please clarify if this means that he doesn't want either of you to have any contact, or just that he doesn't want any contact?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 27/12/2023 22:06

Thepeopleversuswork · 27/12/2023 21:22

But he isn't only choosing whether to spend time with people or not. He's imposing this worldview on his wife, trying to control her social life and insulting her family into the bargain.

Show quote history

He has done 18 years her way, though?

trytopullyoursocksup · 27/12/2023 22:06

There is a difference between enjoying people and finding it easy to spend time with them; and how much of people you actually need.
A lot of men think they are more self sufficient than they are, don't do any of the hard work (which it is, to many of us, to maintain a reasonably broad and stable group of associations), and just put all their needs on one or two people.

This isn't fair. If he is really happy to go off and live alone in the woods, let him. Let him deal with it when he's failing and infirm too, he must have a plan of some sort for that, as well. (he won't have a plan for this)

If his plan is to just associate on his own lazy selfish terms solely with a few people and his wife and therefore make increasing emotional and practical demands on her - ltb

(he may not even know himself that this is actually his plan)

TooDyed · 27/12/2023 22:06

Husband is like this, ex boyfriend was like this too. I’m not sure why I attract such odd balls.

Bitchassmosquito · 27/12/2023 22:06

You are being deliberately obtuse if you're claiming you can't see how offensive and controlling it is to try to make your spouse feel that you would have ended an 18 year marriage before it began if you had known in advance how much you hated their family

It was offensive certainly. It implied that he doesn’t think the marriage was worth the hassle. Perhaps this is a sign the relationship is on the rocks.

However it doesn’t indicate he is trying to turn her against her family or force her to stop seeing them.

SkaneTos · 27/12/2023 22:07

Does he think everyone likes him?

Hardbackwriter · 27/12/2023 22:10

I wonder how he'd feel if OP said anything this insulting about his four chosen friends who are the only people he considers tolerable.

Thepeopleversuswork · 27/12/2023 22:10

Bitchassmosquito · 27/12/2023 22:06

You are being deliberately obtuse if you're claiming you can't see how offensive and controlling it is to try to make your spouse feel that you would have ended an 18 year marriage before it began if you had known in advance how much you hated their family

It was offensive certainly. It implied that he doesn’t think the marriage was worth the hassle. Perhaps this is a sign the relationship is on the rocks.

However it doesn’t indicate he is trying to turn her against her family or force her to stop seeing them.

Edited

So he's either a calculating, abusive cunt who is trying to drive a wedge between the OP and her family or just a sociopathic cunt with no friends who is jealous that the OP is better at relationships and is lashing out at her as a result. Not sure which is worse.

Either way would be an immediate dealbreaker for me.