Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 12 13

Original poster

DH hates people and will no longer tolerate people he doesn't like including both our families

320 replies

wendall456 · 27/12/2023 20:40

My DH (possibly undiagnosed autistic) is not a people person and finds people annoying. He really hates my family and isn't overly keen on his either but I like my family - this is where the problem lies. He feels like he is going to explode when around anybody apart from the few people he likes (which is probably 5 different people ). He hates any type of socialising apart from with his 4 friends who he likes. Every christmas we end up arguing about it and he this year he has said if he knew now how annoying my family were he would have dumped me within a few months . We have been together 18 yrs. He knows that there is not much he can do about it as they are my family but he wishes I could see how annoying they are . Last year he really struggled over christmas with having to tolerate people and he made a really good effort all of this year to learn to tolerate people but he has decided he can't live a lie anymore and "pretend" so from now on he is going to only like who he likes and not pretend by tolerating people he doesn't like.

He says life is to short to fake it and he understands that I like my family and I like his family too but he is no longer able to pretend to like people. This means this coming year instead of making an effort he will completely step away as he needs to look after his own mental health and do what is best for him not other people.

My argument to this is that I would never treat people the way he does and although he doesn't actually treat them particularly badly because they aren't his type of people he doesn't want to be around them at all and he is so much happier when he doesn't have to be play happy families.

So this year he wants no contact with either side or made or forced to be social with anyone he doesn't like.

AIBU to think he is being selfish or should he do what is best for him and what keeps him sane?

OP posts:

Friedfriedplantain · 27/12/2023 21:26

They're probably not all that annoying though. He sounds very intolerant.
I wouldn't stay with someone who spoke that way about my family.

AzureBlue99 · 27/12/2023 21:26

It's all about him, isn't it? No consideration for other people. He sounds like a controlling arse.

AzureBlue99 · 27/12/2023 21:27

Meant to add, I don't like a lot of people. I avoid when I can, fake it when I can't.

Thegoodbadandugly · 27/12/2023 21:27

Sounds like a controlling narcissist to me.

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 27/12/2023 21:28

Thepeopleversuswork · 27/12/2023 21:22

But he isn't only choosing whether to spend time with people or not. He's imposing this worldview on his wife, trying to control her social life and insulting her family into the bargain.

Show quote history

He hasn’t insulted the family. In fact he’s worked extremely hard to mask and tolerate the situation over the course of 18 years and now no longer feels he has the energy to keep up that pretence and would rather be honest. It takes a huge amount of force to fake niceties in his situation, it’s like living dishonestly and is unbearable.

existentialpain · 27/12/2023 21:32

He sounds incredibly self centred. I'm actually very introverted and struggle being around people but i would make an effort for a partner. He isnt considering your feelings at all, not trying to find a compromise that works for you both. It's all about him. He sounds very hard work and self-centered and for me that would be a deal breaker.

Bitchassmosquito · 27/12/2023 21:33

He's imposing this worldview on his wife, trying to control her social life

He isn’t saying she can’t socialise.* *

Eekmystro · 27/12/2023 21:33

Sounds like he’s taking a bit of an extreme approach. Why does he need to not see them at all? Can’t he just lower contact or try to see them in situations that he manages more easily.

Of course if his decision is to cut contact with his and your family then that is his choice. Has he thought through the consequences of that though. How it might affect you or your family, that if he burns these bridges he will loose some of the most enduring relationships he has. I mean if some illness happened does he have people that would help him outside family. Maybe he is ok with these consequences.

yoshiblue · 27/12/2023 21:34

I have a neurodiverse child and have ADHD myself and totally appreciate how draining 'people' can be. It's not as simple as grin and bear it. I understand your DH's POV and if he wants to limit contact with others; don't blame him one bit.

I personally don't need to go as far as that, but recognise meeting with family in particular needs to be more on my terms to help us cope - especially to manage my DS's needs which can be complex. He finds Christmas generally overwhelming and overstimulating at a time when its cold, dark and he's tired. He's only little, but maybe those are some of the feelings your DH has too?

Thepeopleversuswork · 27/12/2023 21:36

@brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

He hasn't insulted the family. In fact he’s worked extremely hard to mask and tolerate the situation over the course of 18 years and now no longer feels he has the energy to keep up that pretence and would rather be honest. It takes a huge amount of force to fake niceties in his situation, it’s like living dishonestly and is unbearable.

He said (quoting the OP):

this year he has said if he knew now how annoying my family were he would have dumped me within a few months.

That's an astonishingly hurtful and insulting thing to say to your spouse. You're basically telling them the whole basis of your marriage is false because you don't like their family. And she is meant to do what, exactly? He wants her to fall into line an allow him to be a misanthropic twat and prevent her family coming to the home.

And as for this "masking": boo hoo. I'm sorry but we're talking about making a bit of an effort for a couple of hours a year to pretend to be pleasant to people who are important to your spouse. I have every sympathy for someone having to do this for eight hours a day, five times a week, but for a few hours at Christmas?

He's a controlling, self-absorbed arse and OP would be happier without him.

Seaside3 · 27/12/2023 21:36

If he doesn't want to socialise, and is happy to let you do your thing, that's great.

The bit about dumping you. That's not great and I'm not sure i would forgive someone for that.

Porridgeinblankies · 27/12/2023 21:38

DH and I are both ND and don't particularly like people. Understand him coming for just a short visit or whatever instead of having to spend an entire day with them
but this
this year he has said if he knew now how annoying my family were he would have dumped me within a few months.

Is Unacceptable.

Getting quite annoyed at autism being used as an excuse for being a twat and these days everyone thinks they're 'something or other'. No need to mention it unless it impacts your life enough for you to start the diagnostic process. Geez.

SanitySlowlyGoing · 27/12/2023 21:39

My DH of 25+ years is just like this. For years I would force him, push him, bride him etc into family or friends events, he'd be absolutely misersble. He would always ask what time are we staying till and would make me stick to it.
I would dread all events, dread someone saying the wrong thing to him or asking too many questions. He ended up having a bit of a mental health break down where he couldn't work for a few months, he stayed in bed and literally couldn't function, life just got too much.
So I stopped taking him places, stopped inviting him, stopped making excuses and just openly told people he's not coming he can't socialise, he's not in the right headspace. I started to enjoy going without him as I no longer had that worry of 'is he ok, is he going to flip or storm off'.
He never stopped me and the kids from going anywhere, never guilt tripped me, always told me to have a good time etc. Eventually he started to ask to come with me to things, and this year he invited my parents for Christmas at ours.
Now he knows there is no pressure, he is far more relaxed about things.
So my advice is to back off.. let him stay home. As long as he still enjoys spending time with you, then it doesn't matter who else he spends time with!

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 27/12/2023 21:39

Hardbackwriter · 27/12/2023 21:09

he this year he has said if he knew now how annoying my family were he would have dumped me within a few months

This is such a deliberately hurtful thing to say. This isn't just him not being able to tolerate socialising, there is so contempt for you here.

Thank you Hardback for articulating what I couldn't find the words for.

Wendall, it's one thing to struggle with social situations. It's another for him to insult your family to your face. What else does he do that shows contempt to you? I doubt that this will be the only thing.

I left a bf because, amongst other things, he was rude to my mother. In your position I'd be reconsidering my marriage. And I say that as someone who is diagnosed autistic.

Mirabai · 27/12/2023 21:40

He doesn’t hate other people, he hates himself and that’s why he finds it hard to be around others. He doesn’t like the feelings they bring up in him. He thinks if he avoids people he can avoid his uncomfortable feelings.

He can decide to hide away if he wants. You can also make a choice as to whether you want to be with someone who can’t cope with life.

Snowdogsmitten · 27/12/2023 21:41

He sounds absolutely hideous to be around, a total fun sponge who will ruin any and every nice occasion.

Thepeopleversuswork · 27/12/2023 21:42

@SanitySlowlyGoing

It's good that you have learned to tolerate this and make it work for you but, genuine question: why would anyone stay with someone like this? What do you get out of a marriage with someone who "hates people"?

IMustDoMoreExercise · 27/12/2023 21:42

TinyRebel · 27/12/2023 20:47

Part of being an adult is gritting your teeth and making an effort for the sake of people you wouldn’t normally choose to be friendly with for the sake of the person you purport to love.

No it really isn't.

The older I get the more I please myself.

Life is too short to spend time with people you don't like.

Thegoodbadandugly · 27/12/2023 21:43

Porridgeinblankies · 27/12/2023 21:38

Is Unacceptable.

Edited

I agree with this, I know someone that has hfa and they use it as an excuse to blatantly bully people and woman in particular, he is an utter ass.

Bitchassmosquito · 27/12/2023 21:43

Sounds like a controlling narcissist to me.

Except he’s not trying to control her in any way

Caravaggiouch · 27/12/2023 21:43

If he can’t even put himself through a bare minimum of tolerating a small amount of time with family for your sake, he’s being a selfish prick, autism or no. There’s a world of difference between that and you expecting loads of socialising with them which you don’t seem to be.

Banquet · 27/12/2023 21:44

I have a bil the same, haven’t seen him for years, we just accept that’s how he is sil always attends by herself.

Mirabai · 27/12/2023 21:44

he has said if he knew now how annoying my family were he would have dumped me within a few months

He would have found any partner’s family annoying because he doesn’t like how he feels around other people. It’s not particular to yours.

I wonder if you also feel that if you’d known how socially incompetent he would turn out to be, you might have dumped him too.

betterangels · 27/12/2023 21:45

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 27/12/2023 21:20

Everyone’s raving about people living their best lives until they come across someone who’s best life involves very few other people. He should totally have a choice whether to spend time with people or not.

Agree. As long as he isn't stopping you seeing anyone, I don't see the problem. He isn't wrong.

AGoingConcern · 27/12/2023 21:45

You are both being unreasonable if you think you should get to make this decision for the other.

Honestly it sounds like he's struggling. If he will be happier limiting interaction, that's the best move for him right now. Doing that is far preferable to deteriorating mental health or him going around people and being a jerk about it. As long as he's not trying to stop you socializing or treating you poorly, then you would be unreasonable to try to force or coerce him.

But it's not ok for him to demand you stop seeing people or be nasty about it to you or others. It's also not your responsibility to make excuses for him to others or try to maintain relationships on his behalf, so don't martyr yourself doing that.

And if you find that what he needs and what you need are simply incompatible, then you can choose to leave.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 12 13