DH hates people and will no longer tolerate people he doesn't like including both our families

[wendall456]

My DH (possibly undiagnosed autistic) is not a people person and finds people annoying. He really hates my family and isn't overly keen on his either but I like my family - this is where the problem lies. He feels like he is going to explode when around anybody apart from the few people he likes (which is probably 5 different people ). He hates any type of socialising apart from with his 4 friends who he likes. Every christmas we end up arguing about it and he this year he has said if he knew now how annoying my family were he would have dumped me within a few months . We have been together 18 yrs. He knows that there is not much he can do about it as they are my family but he wishes I could see how annoying they are . Last year he really struggled over christmas with having to tolerate people and he made a really good effort all of this year to learn to tolerate people but he has decided he can't live a lie anymore and "pretend" so from now on he is going to only like who he likes and not pretend by tolerating people he doesn't like.

He says life is to short to fake it and he understands that I like my family and I like his family too but he is no longer able to pretend to like people. This means this coming year instead of making an effort he will completely step away as he needs to look after his own mental health and do what is best for him not other people.

My argument to this is that I would never treat people the way he does and although he doesn't actually treat them particularly badly because they aren't his type of people he doesn't want to be around them at all and he is so much happier when he doesn't have to be play happy families.

So this year he wants no contact with either side or made or forced to be social with anyone he doesn't like.

AIBU to think he is being selfish or should he do what is best for him and what keeps him sane?

@Bitchassmosquito

Again the pp who said she thought OPs husband was abusive because hers was doesn’t seem to be getting quite as much grief as me.

Possibly because the DH’s behaviour appears to be much more consistent with abuse than with anxiety or neurodiversity?

Because the world doesn't revolve around you. Everyone has to do some things they don't want to do and which makes them unhappy at some stage - why do a few think that they are somehow more "special" and can therefore live their lives totally according to their wants and to hell with everyone else?

Possibly because the DH’s behaviour appears to be much more consistent with abuse than with anxiety or neurodiversity?

I dunno that it does to be honest. I suppose it would be for the OP to say but she seems to have gone.

@GustyFinknottle how dare you imply from scantly provided info in one post that I am self diagnosed autistic to get out of things I don’t wish to do!

I didn’t go into depth about my life history/ or various close family member’s diagnosis as that was not the point of my post. I was simply explaining a point of view.

You know precisely nothing if my life /experiences and to flippantly imply I self diagnose is beyond insulting. How dare you.

Ok I'll be devil's advocate.

As I sometimes talk about on here, my partners family are the most difficult people I have ever met with traits I'm not keen on and had I known the extent of the problems and fallouts we have had I would have seriously reconsidered my relationship with partner in the early days. If I had my way I'd see very little of them now.

Have there been any problems or fallouts with your family and DH before now? Your husband has tried his best (I assume?) for 18 years but has just had enough. Fair enough to him for being honest, and that's reasonable.
I live in the NW but my mum is from the SW and we saw my GPs once a year when we stayed at their house for a week as children. My dad openly hated it, and buggered off cycling for 3 of those days! If my GPs had lived up north I'd have no doubt he would have said similar to yours husband, in that he had nothing in common with them and wouldn't wish to see them.

What I think is unreasonable is the contempt and unkindness your husband has shown when discussing this with you. The comment about you turning into your mum is very controlling.
I certainly wouldn't like that.
Only you can decide if you can live like this, ie. go out and socialise without him. It's one thing to not want to see other people and keep yourself to yourself, but it's another to be mean controlling and unkind with it. Is he kind to you in other ways? Do you still enjoy his company?

Very easily. You're welcome to be as offended as you choose to be.

I repeat, you've self-diagnosed as autistic — you literally said it yourself in your post — and you're describing perfectly ordinary feelings such as being stressed-out by having to accommodate family for weeks on end as proof that you're autistic. It doesn't work like that.

I am not defending him but I do think I have packed to much social contact in to this week and he just can't cope - hence the nasty remarks about my family - or then maybe I am making excuses for him.

You are making excuses for him. It doesn't matter if thinks he can't cope (he can, he's done it in the past). It doesn't matter if he has autism (his behavior is the problem and the why behind it doesn't change the fact that his anti-social behavior is hurtful to his family and wife). He is selfish. He can't even consider that these pronouncements show his poor role modeling as a parent. He's leaving it all on you to socialize your children and teach basic respect to his family.

There's nothing wrong with setting reasonable limits like, "let's just meet family for a 2-hour lunch, not an all-night event." But his demands are cruel and lack basic human decency.

@Delphinium20

Completely. And no neurodiversity justifies him saying he hates her family. That’s outrageous behaviour. I find it astonishing that people are excusing it.

That's why society is the way it is these days as it's all me me me.

This guy is clearly at the end of his rope and said something unkind in the heat of the moment.

I see all the time on here people asking how to go no contact or “grey rock” or whatever, it’s not unusual to want to make your life more tolerable by cutting out contact with people who make it miserable.

And people really do change as they get older. I find it odd that some posters are saying things like “was he like this when you married him” - well probably not, that ignores the fact of how people change over time, and some of the ways people change are in fact a result of long marriage.

You have to deal with situations based on how things are now, not how they were in the past. I think it would help this guy to be heard, to allow him to cut contact guilt free, realign himself and then come back later in his own time. Simultaneously it would be worth him having a chat with his GP too to see what other support might be available.

The power of being listened to, having his problems heard, getting that notion of space and clarity from a “reset” might really help here.

Because the world doesn't revolve around you. Everyone has to do some things they don't want to do and which makes them unhappy at some stage - why do a few think that they are somehow more "special" and can therefore live their lives totally according to their wants and to hell with everyone else?

It depends. There’s some middle ground between being a doormat and being selfish. You don’t have to be either.
Being assertive means stating your needs clearly but also taking other people’s needs into account also. Neither one is more important than the other. As a pp put it you can’t expect to get your way every time but you should expect to get your way some of the time.

Now I’m not saying OPs husband has managed this, as it sound like he’s dictating rather than negotiating, but speaking in general you don’t have to do things that make you unhappy, at least not all the time. And tbh I don’t see why your family/friends would even want you to.

💯 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼

Well this man could cut himself off from whoever he likes - so what? In OP's shoes I wouldnt be up for listening him bitching about it tho, nor the digs at family. Go off with your friends then & STFU about others is what he needs, not all the ridiculous pandering suggested upthread.

Armchair psychology is nonsense. If you aren't qualified to diagnose then, don't. Equating nasty traits with Autism & ND as standard is horrible Ableism.

I did just that a few years ago and it's been the absolute best decision I've ever made. I don't like people, they are exhausting and leave me drained and depressed.
I am so much happier alone or with the few people I do like, but even then I see them for a limited time. This year I went away for Christmas and it was great, I walked on the beach and didn't have to smile through any mundane conversation, do anything for anybody else.

I do think I am special, I don't have to do anything I want want to do and it's quite empowering when you realise it. More people should put themselves first they would be far happier. My world DOES revolve around me and I have full autonomy over who is in it and when.

@ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming

I think you might benefit from reading this

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/dec/30/the-healthy-guide-to-being-selfish

@Anotherparkingthread

I have reached this stage now. I have put everyone else first , done my duty now it's me me me .

Life's too short to be spent with a miserable bastard, irrespective of a potential diagnosis.
I haven't read for enough to know if you have children, but if you think the situation is hard now, wait until they come along ...

He's selfish, intolerant, inconsiderate and unpleasant.

Another one dressing it up as protecting his mental health, being honest, establishing boundaries.

The comment about dumping you is disgusting. I'd remind him that it's not too late.

@brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

This guy is clearly at the end of his rope and said something unkind in the heat of the moment.

But it’s not just a “heat of the moment” thing. He has on several occasions sought to persuade the OP that her family is a problem with the clear implication that the solution to their problems as a couple would be for the OP to distance herself from them. It’s calculated, deliberate and manipulative.

If he is suffering from “autistic burnout” or anxiety that’s one thing and he does deserve to be heard.

But none of this justifies him insulting the OP and her family and trying to position her being in some way an outlier because she wants contact with people outside the family.

@Anotherparkingthread

Same, thank you for articulating it so succinctly! X