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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH hates people and will no longer tolerate people he doesn't like including both our families

320 replies

wendall456 · 27/12/2023 20:40

My DH (possibly undiagnosed autistic) is not a people person and finds people annoying. He really hates my family and isn't overly keen on his either but I like my family - this is where the problem lies. He feels like he is going to explode when around anybody apart from the few people he likes (which is probably 5 different people ). He hates any type of socialising apart from with his 4 friends who he likes. Every christmas we end up arguing about it and he this year he has said if he knew now how annoying my family were he would have dumped me within a few months . We have been together 18 yrs. He knows that there is not much he can do about it as they are my family but he wishes I could see how annoying they are . Last year he really struggled over christmas with having to tolerate people and he made a really good effort all of this year to learn to tolerate people but he has decided he can't live a lie anymore and "pretend" so from now on he is going to only like who he likes and not pretend by tolerating people he doesn't like.

He says life is to short to fake it and he understands that I like my family and I like his family too but he is no longer able to pretend to like people. This means this coming year instead of making an effort he will completely step away as he needs to look after his own mental health and do what is best for him not other people.

My argument to this is that I would never treat people the way he does and although he doesn't actually treat them particularly badly because they aren't his type of people he doesn't want to be around them at all and he is so much happier when he doesn't have to be play happy families.

So this year he wants no contact with either side or made or forced to be social with anyone he doesn't like.

AIBU to think he is being selfish or should he do what is best for him and what keeps him sane?

OP posts:
Autumnleaves89 · 27/12/2023 21:05

Being undiagnosed autistic is not an excuse the be a rude, inconsiderate nobhead.
Undiagnosed neurodiversity is code for “bit of a prick” nowadays it seems. I couldn’t tolerate this OP. I would be mortified explaining to my family for starters! How unfair to you.

ArcticBells · 27/12/2023 21:05

It always amazes me how people as unsociable as your DH find a partner. Has he always hated people/been like this ?

Crazycrazylady · 27/12/2023 21:08

What a miserable existence . I couldn't tolerate this . He clearly doesn't care enough t about you to do what lots of people ( autistic or otherwise) do for a couple of hours each Xmas

Phineyj · 27/12/2023 21:08

DH feels a bit like this (although it's the human race in groups he's not keen on, rather than my family specifically). So he always does the cooking! Great excuse to mostly be in the kitchen and means my mum thinks he is wonderful...

I wouldn't put up with him just refusing, as members of his own family can also be irritating. So we have that in common at least.

Hardbackwriter · 27/12/2023 21:09

he this year he has said if he knew now how annoying my family were he would have dumped me within a few months

This is such a deliberately hurtful thing to say. This isn't just him not being able to tolerate socialising, there is so contempt for you here.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 27/12/2023 21:09

It's OK as long as you continue to do what you want. It must be a significant matter for him to explain its about his MH. Make no demands at all for 12 months and review.

pilates · 27/12/2023 21:13

He sounds delightful 🤨 I couldn’t live my life like that. You must be walking on eggshells all the time.

DinaofCloud9 · 27/12/2023 21:13

He sounds awful and just a mean unkind man.

StarDolphins · 27/12/2023 21:14

I’m in the minority. I think it’s fine for him to be honest & not spend long periods of time with people he doesn’t enjoy spending time with.

As long as he’s civil, nice & polite if they cross paths or he’s ever in their company for a short time then I don’t see why he can’t decide who he wants to spend time with.

He’s not telling you not to spend time with them, he just doesn’t want to.

bananaboats · 27/12/2023 21:14

I'd be seriously re evaluating this relationship, sounds like a miserable existence and I think pps are correct it could quickly become very isolating. Unfortunately I've seen this happen with a friend of mine and I feel desperately sad for her.

Thepeopleversuswork · 27/12/2023 21:16

You'll get a load of people along shortly to tell you they are introverts and also hate people and your DH is being perfectly reasonable and you should indulge him. This sort of thing is increasingly tolerated and indulged as being normal.

But personally no I think he's being a controlling arsehole and I would actually leave over this. No way on earth would I have someone telling me my family couldn't come around to my home. It would be reasonable for him to ask you to limit it in time, not to basically expect you to go NC with your family. Fuck that. He needs to grow up and meet you half way like an adult. And he doesn't get to insult your family because he can't man up for a few hours a year and make smalltalk.

TBH his remark about wishing he'd dumped you when he realised what your family was going to be like is bang out of order. That alone would be a dealbreaker for me.

bloatedbobby · 27/12/2023 21:16

Are there reasons for him to dislike your family as that seems a little extreme?

Do you have dc? I always wonder in examples like this what what happens if a parent dies to the dc & wider family relationships

MILTOBE · 27/12/2023 21:18

Branleuse · 27/12/2023 21:04

Just because you've been with someone 18 years, doesn't mean you have to be with them forever

Yes, this. I don't know how you can bear to live with someone so miserable.

Charlize43 · 27/12/2023 21:18

That may be fine for him as long as he doesn't try to isolate you from your family and friends.

Being misanthropic doesn't sound very healthy or much fun!

LaughingCat · 27/12/2023 21:18

Is he happy for you to socialise and he stay behind or elsewhere? In which case, you do you and let him be his best self. He’s fully accepting you for who you are and would be happy for you to fulfil your needs. If he’s saying, I want you to join me on my rock of solitude so that I can fulfil my needs, he can jog the fuck on. We don’t have that context so hard to see how any of the votes so far can count.

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 27/12/2023 21:20

Everyone’s raving about people living their best lives until they come across someone who’s best life involves very few other people. He should totally have a choice whether to spend time with people or not.

Thepeopleversuswork · 27/12/2023 21:21

ArcticBells · 27/12/2023 21:05

It always amazes me how people as unsociable as your DH find a partner. Has he always hated people/been like this ?

I wondered this for years as well but it's dawned on me that it's invariably men. They basically cover up their essentially sociopathic natures for long enough to attract a spouse or mate.

Once they are domestically ensconced they revert to their basic nature secure in the knowledge that they have a domestic helper who is also a captive audience for their rants about how awful other people are and other stupid conspiracy theories. I've seen lots of women shutting themselves away from society to be with these tedious, solipsistic, society-hating bores.

Thegoodbadandugly · 27/12/2023 21:21

Mental health issues are not an excuse to be a twat! Sorry but he will be coming between you and your family and your friends, if he can't get on with anyone I'm sorry I would be out of there because before you know it you will be alienated and reliant on him alone, he won't change.

Bitchassmosquito · 27/12/2023 21:22

I can relate to your husband tbh 😬 Since middle age hit I really really CBA anymore.
That said you obviously can’t live in near isolation just because he does. I think you’re just going to have to do a lot of your socialising without him.

Thepeopleversuswork · 27/12/2023 21:22

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 27/12/2023 21:20

Everyone’s raving about people living their best lives until they come across someone who’s best life involves very few other people. He should totally have a choice whether to spend time with people or not.

But he isn't only choosing whether to spend time with people or not. He's imposing this worldview on his wife, trying to control her social life and insulting her family into the bargain.

Ossobuco · 27/12/2023 21:22

What a difficult situation OP. Assuming that he is an otherwise kind and loving partner to you. At least I would try to take the pressure of yourself, which could be done by you (as a couple or you alone) telling all the relevant family members of his feelings about not wanting to see people IRL etc.

That would mean that you personally would be no longer trying to keep up a facade that you’re not comfortable with while also feeling hurt about it yourself, which is a very mindfucky thing to have to do.

He feels how he feels about this issue whether he has any kind of diagnosis or not. But maybe it’s something to talk about as a couple, about whether either or both of you feel that having a diagnostic assessment might be a helpful thing to do for the future?

MorningSunshineSparkles · 27/12/2023 21:24

I think he’s got the right idea tbh, life’s too short to waste it on folk you can’t stand. You could always leave him and find someone more sociable if it’s an issue, doesn’t sound like he’s about to change his mind.

Gardeningtime · 27/12/2023 21:24

Is he selfish in other areas of your life together?

Nicole1111 · 27/12/2023 21:25

If he wants to be single then he should continue to prioritise his own needs with little thought for yours and no willingness to compromise.

Fummymummy · 27/12/2023 21:26

It's reasonable for him to set boundaries if it affects him so badly, but it shouldn't stop you from seeing your family / his family and he needs to set the boundaries with those people himself, not leave it to you to sort out (ie if he doesn't want them at your house, he needs to be the one telling them why). Also he needs to find a way to accommodate you seeing those people without having to reject people from your own home too. There will be a way to compromise, but depends if you want to? I think it would be a deal breaker for me as I like spending time with DH and our families together, but depends what you want really.

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